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Many young couples divorce after a year life together because they never learned to listen and hear each other. Look for compromises, be flexible, make concessions, solve problems in an adult way. They are not ready for the fact that a crisis can come in a relationship.
It is foolish to think that a stamp in the passport will remove difficulties and obstacles in family relationships.
What to do to maintain normal family relationships? That is what I will talk about in this article. It has the whole psychology of family relations.
Principles of psychology of family relations:
1. New status.
Before marriage, few couples live together, so understand that the girl will not look the same as dating.
When you see her several times a week, she is always beautifully dressed, with makeup, and in a good mood. When people start living together, often they are not ready for the fact that their partner is a living person.
Your girlfriend may be sick, she may be in a bad mood. At home, she will walk around in funny pajamas and curlers. If you are embarrassed by something that marriage is preparing for you, problems can begin.
You must be prepared for the fact that those things that were previously hidden will begin to appear. Your girlfriend doesn't have to put on makeup every day just to please you. She does not always have to be restrained and wise.
You don't always look your best either. And you still snore. But she still loves you. This is a normal family relationship.
2. The main goal of family life.
Almost no one asks such a question before the wedding. Being together is not the goal. It's a desire, a need.
The goal should not be to have children. Children will grow up and leave you, then it turns out that marriage is no longer needed?
Have you asked yourself why you want to marry this woman? Why is it so important for you to do this? Why is it not enough for you to just live together?
Until you find out for yourself the main goal of family life, you will not be able to understand how your girlfriend suits you. Until you yourself know what you want, you will not be able to understand what qualities your ideal partner should have.
3. A family is two adults.
It must be remembered that only two adults and independent people can create a real family.
If you understand that a girl runs to consult her mother for any reason, will she be able to build a family? She can't build her own life without prompting. The girl chooses for herself the model of behavior of a little girl who is not ready for an adult and independent life.
Dependence on parents is what has destroyed so many marriages.
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4. The main functions of the family.
Love is the need of every person. And it is easiest to implement it in the family. But for a marriage to be successful, other needs must be kept in mind.
What are the main functions of the family?
It used to be new, intriguing. Now you see your wife in a dressing gown at home, without hair and in bad mood.
The problem is that you have not yet rebuilt, have not understood that now everything will be different. Because of this stress, sex can be lost. It is impossible to bring to such a state, because the next step will be treason.
Family psychology calls to be frank. Just sit back and discuss the problem. You might say that you don't like it. She will make her claims. Talking about sex and discussing these kinds of issues is normal. It's not okay to be married and not have sex. Be ready to re-learn and discover its hot spots, experiment, be interesting.
6. What is the difference between the role of husband and wife in marriage.
It is very important to properly distribute roles in the family. The man is the earner, and the woman is the keeper of the hearth. Nothing has changed in so many centuries.
Of course, you don't have to take everything literally. But general trends remained the same. Everyone in the family has their own area of responsibility.
As soon as a woman begins to manage, earn money and take everything important decisions, we can assume that the marriage has come to an end. As are your eggs.
In the same way, a man should not stay at home. This will relax him, and the wife will no longer see him as a person who can be relied upon. Keeping a balance in relationships is one of the main rules.
7. The role of children in family life.
When you have children, a new crisis can begin in a relationship that you don’t even know about now.
For example, your wife can do everything free time to give to the child, depriving you of attention. This often happens in young families. And you want affection, support and care. And you can start looking for it on the side.
Cheating with the advent of a child is a common practice, due to which more than one family has collapsed.
You need to understand that you should always come first for each other. You need time that you can spend together. That sex should not disappear from a relationship when a child appears in the house.
Therefore, a nanny is always a good way out.
8. Head of the family.
The first year is the most responsible for a young family. Sometimes a wife wants to do everything for her husband, makes concessions, takes his side in everything and does not contradict him. But sometimes it can lead to serious consequences.
She wants to please so much that she begins to do everything herself, just to make him feel good. Ceases to be a wife and performs the functions of a mother. And he gets used to not taking responsibility, not making any decisions and just going with the flow.
You must teach your wife that it is normal when she turns to you for advice, talks about her problems and asks you to help sort them out. Family is hard work
How happy the young people are at the wedding, how happy they are that they met each other. Everyone wishes them: “Advice and love!” And the people who lived together say: “Patience to you!” Young - again: "Love you, love!" And those who have already lived: “Patience to you!”
It always surprised me at a wedding. “What kind of patience are they talking about? - I thought, - Love, love! And so I want those couples who create a family to be happy. So I want their happiness to be preserved for life.
Have I seen such families? I saw! And not only in photographs of the royal family. It is possible, but it has become rare. Why? Not ready. We now very often have the following attitude: “Take everything from life! Make the most of today! Don't think about tomorrow."
Family is something else. The family presupposes sacrificial love. It involves the ability to listen to another person, to sacrifice something for the sake of another. This goes against the grain of what the media is now suggesting. Now the maximum that is said: "they began to live and make good." And that's it. Good to live! How to treat each other in family life? Unclear. We'll see how it goes.
Why does a young family begin to fall apart? What is she facing, what are the challenges?
Trying out new statuses
Before marriage, during the so-called "conquering period", young people are always in a good mood, look good, smile, and are very friendly. When they have already signed, they see each other day by day as they are in real life.
I remember how one psychologist said this: "It is impossible for a person to walk on his toes all his life." In the premarital period, he walks on tiptoes. But in the family, if a person walks on tiptoes all the time, sooner or later his muscles will cramp. And he will still be forced to stand on his full foot, start walking as usual. It turns out that after marriage, people behave as usual, which means that not only the best things begin to appear in our character, but also the bad that, unfortunately, happens in our character, which we ourselves would like to get rid of. And at this moment, when a person becomes real, and not like standing in a shop window, some difficulties arise.
But it is not normal for a person to always be in a blissful state. That is, loving people they begin to see each other in different states: in joy, in anger, and looking great, and not very. And it happens in a rumpled bathrobe, and it happens in sweatpants. If earlier a woman always looked beautiful, then after marriage, in the presence of her husband, she begins to bring beauty and the like. That is, those things that were previously hidden became visible. There is irritation, and in a sense, disappointment. Why was there a fairy tale before, and now gray everyday life has come? But that's okay! There was simply no need to create castles in the air.
Now you need to understand, to accept a person completely as he is. With its advantages and its disadvantages. At the moment when a person begins to show not only his virtues, but also his shortcomings, new roles of husband and wife appear. And this state is completely new for a person who has just entered into a marriage union. Of course, before marriage, before marriage, each person imagined what kind of husband or wife he would be, what kind of father or mother he would be. But this is at the level of mere ideas, ideals. Being married, a person behaves as it turns out. And compliance with the ideal is either obtained or not obtained. Of course, not everything works out in the best way from the very beginning.
For clarity, I will give an example. One woman said very wisely: “There is no such person who would stand on figure skates for the first time and immediately go and begin to perform complex elements.” Well, that doesn't happen. He will definitely fall and fill bumps. It's the same with starting a family. People entered into an alliance and immediately became the best husband and wife in the world. That doesn't happen. You still have to endure pain, and fall, and cry. But you have to get up. That's life. This is fine.
The husband is expected to behave differently than the groom. And the wife is also expected to behave differently than the bride. Please note that even the manifestation of love should be different in the family from the manifestation of love in premarital relationships. Answer this question for yourself - if the groom, before marriage, puts a bouquet of flowers to his bride, climbing up the drainpipe to the third floor, how will this be perceived by other people? “Wow, how he loves her, he just lost his head from love!” Now imagine that the husband who has the key to this apartment does the same. He climbs up to the third floor to put a bouquet of flowers. In this case, everyone will say: "He's kind of strange." In the second case, this will be perceived not as a virtue, but as an oddity of his thinking. Think if he is sick.
It would seem a trifle, how to present a bunch of flowers. But the expectations from the groom and from the husband are completely different. Why? Yes, because love is something in marriage, it is completely different. Here everything is more serious, more demanding, tolerance, prudence, calmness should be shown much more. Completely different qualities are expected. Returning to the original question, premarital relationships and the beginning of family life are completely different stages in family life. But the beginning of a family, it seems to me, is more interesting, because this is already real life. Premarital relations are a preparation for a fairy tale, and family life is already a fairy tale beginning. Which will be happy or unhappy, but it's up to you.
The difference between a man and a woman in understanding love and family
A man and a woman feel differently at the very beginning of family life. Many women have a desire to maintain the style of premarital relations, so that a man always compliments them, gives them flowers, gifts. Then she believes that he truly loves her. And if he does not give gifts, does not say compliments, a suspicion arises: "Probably fell out of love." And the young wife begins to peer into him, to ask questions. And the man does not understand why the woman is so restless, what happened.
When psychologists began to study this issue, it turned out that at any stage in the development of a family, it is important for a woman that a man say something good and kind to her. A woman is so arranged that she needs verbal support. And men are more rational. And when men are asked about the faded feelings, they are surprised, and most say so: “But we signed, the fact is. After all, this is the most important proof of love. It's clear, what else is there to say?
That is, a different approach for men and women. A woman needs proof every day. And so the man does not understand what happens to her every day. But after all, it doesn’t cost him anything to bring and give a flower. And the woman will blossom after that, the mountains will turn! It is important to her, but the man does not reach. One man said that when a woman gets angry, he does not attack her, but says to her: “Despite the fact that you are angry, I still love you. You are so beautiful!” What happens to the woman? She melts and says, "It's impossible to talk seriously with you." You just need to feel each other and say the necessary words. Since a woman is more emotional, you need to give her this emotional support.
They began to look further, and it turned out that even the very concept of “love and be together” is understood by a man and a woman in different ways. There is such a family of psychologists, husband and wife Kronik. They explored how men and women understand what it means to be together. When concluding a marriage, a man and a woman say: “I marry for love. I love this person. And I want to always be with him.” It would seem that we speak the same language, we pronounce the same thing. But it turns out that a man and a woman put different meanings into these words. Which?
The first and most common. When a woman says "to love and be together", her representation can be depicted in the form of the following model. If you draw circles (they are called Eller circles): one circle and inside it a shaded second circle. This is what it means for a woman to be together. She tries to be in the center of the life of her beloved man. Such women often say: "I love you so much that if you are not in my life, then it loses its meaning." This is the same type of relationship when a woman in family life begins to cry or runs to a psychologist. She doesn't understand what's going on. “But we agreed to be together,” she says.
If you look from an Orthodox point of view, the law is violated here: in the Gospel it is written "Do not make an idol for yourself." This woman makes her husband not just a husband and a loved one, she puts him above God. She says to him, “You are everything to me.” This is a violation of the spiritual law!
FROM psychological point of view, such a woman in these relations takes the role of a mother, and makes a child out of her husband. She re-educates her husband to the level of a capricious child. “Watch how I cook. You have porridge, you have soup. Look how good I clean. How about this or this? You only love me! And let me rock you, I'll sing a song. And the man gradually from the head of the family becomes a child. Who would refuse to be carried in their arms?
Several years pass, and the woman begins to scream: “I gave you my whole life, and you are ungrateful!” “Listen,” the man says, “I didn’t ask you to do this.” And he is absolutely right. She grabbed him in her arms, carried him, and then burst into tears. Who is to blame here? A man should be the head of the family, and the wife should behave in such a way that he feels like the Head. She should not raise a capricious child out of him. You have to know how to love!
The second type of family, common in godless Russia, depicted with the help of Eller's circles. One shaded circle. Style "do not leave a step from me, and I will not leave you." This family is like a prison. Once, in a student sketch, one student described this situation as follows: the wife, as it were, says to her husband, “To the leg, to the leg!” She says this to the head of the family, her husband! But he's not a dog! Why "to the foot"? At the same time, a woman comes to a family consultation and says: “You know, I suffer so much, and he is so ungrateful. He doesn't appreciate me at all! At the same time, she sincerely believes that she is suffering. And she does not understand that her strongest love is for herself. The attitude towards the husband is humiliating, not as to the head of the family, but as to the one to whom you can say “Silence!” and "To the foot!"
The next version of love and interpretation of the concept of "being together." This option is the most normal and humane. If we represent the relationship as wedding rings, they will overlap each other a bit. That is, the husband and wife are together, but not like in the second case, when the family is like a prison. Here the woman understands that her husband is an independent person, he has the right to his experiences, his actions. They do not always have to walk toe to toe and look in one direction, there must be respect for each other, trust. If a man is not at home for some time, this does not mean that he is doing something indecent. No need to tell him “Where have you been? .. And now again, but honestly!” There must be a certain freedom, trust in each other. And a woman feels more comfortable, comfortable when a man is not always in front of her eyes. I want to pay attention, love is still giving another person the opportunity to do something without you. From this, the other person does not become a stranger, from this he grows up, he gains new information, his life becomes richer. A person communicates at his work, he reads books that he likes. Having processed all this, he becomes more interesting in the family, becomes more mature.
Now let's see how men understand what it means to be together. It turned out that the most common option is the following. If you draw two circles, then they will be at a distance from each other, and will be united by something in common: basically, a man and a woman are united by their place of residence (apartment). What does it mean? The man is more independent. He needs more freedom in life. This does not mean that he home man. A man appreciates family life very much. He just needs a normal environment in the family. He does not need a hysterical wife, rushing about, who sees her life in raising her husband as a student. He doesn’t need the one who reproaches all her life, and then says, “Why don’t you appreciate me?”
This misunderstanding between a man and a woman, when they understand differently what “being together” means, is felt especially sharply in the first year of marriage. Because of this, women suffer more often. Therefore, I turn to them. If a man is not always in front of your eyes, do not take it as a tragedy. Moreover, a man must necessarily assert himself at work. If he asserts himself in work, in his profession, he becomes much softer in the family. If something does not work out for him at work, then he behaves tougher in the family. Therefore, do not be jealous of his work. This is also a mistake. Husband and wife should not breathe in and out at the same time. And in life, too, everyone should have their own rhythm, but they should be together. Unity should occur at the level of trust and respect for the other person.
I sometimes suggest to some women: “Imagine that a man would tell you trouble from morning to evening, teach you something from morning to evening.” Such things never occur to women. Women do not understand at all that she is not a teacher in the family, and her husband is not a loser. Quite the contrary: he is the head of the family, and she should be his assistant. Teaching him is not according to the commandments, it is a violation of spiritual laws.
There are physical laws and there are spiritual ones. Both those and others are God's. Both those and others are not cancelled. There is a law of universal earth gravity. A stone is thrown, it must fall to the ground. A heavy stone is thrown, it will hit very hard. The same is true of spiritual laws. Whether we know them or not, they still work. The elders write that "The dominion of a woman over a man is a blasphemy against God," theomachism. If a woman does not behave according to the commandments, she will suffer. Women, beware! Start acting like you're supposed to. Everything will come to life and line up as it should.
Monotone
In the first year of family life, there is such a difficulty as monotony. If, before marriage, they met occasionally with each other, there were dates, and at that time both were in high spirits, everything was festive. In family life, it turns out that they see each other every day. And they already see everyone, and in good mood, and in bad, they see ironed, ironed and not ironed at all. As a result of monotony, monotony, emotional fatigue accumulates. You have to learn how to celebrate. Just drop everything and go out of town together. Another environment, nature, and you both calmed down. Just a change of mind. And when people return from such a trip, everything is already different. Many problems no longer seem as global as before, and everything is simpler. The most important thing is that it be together, and that they rest together, throw off this monotony, get rid of the monotony.
Minor hypertrophy
As a result of monotony, emotional fatigue sets in, the so-called “hypertrophy of small things” begins. That is, trifles begin to annoy.
A woman is annoyed that a man, returning home, does not hang his jacket on a coat hanger, but throws it somewhere. Another woman is annoyed that toothpaste they squeeze out not in the middle, but from above or below (that is, not where she is used to). And it starts to irritate to a nervous chill. A man also begins to annoy some things. For example, why is she talking on the phone for so long. And before marriage, it touched him. “Wow, how sociable she is, how they love her, how many people are drawn to her, and she chose me.” In marriage, the same thing irritates to a nervous tremor. “What can you talk about for so many hours on the phone? he asks. - No, you tell me - about what? When married couples come for a consultation, you see that they are not ready for a compromise, they can hardly restrain themselves physically. Husband and wife often turn to each other with the question: “Do you understand that these are trifles? Well, if it's not that important, why is it so hard for you to give in to me?"
First, the attitude that someone else has to realign for me is not a smart attitude. Even in ancient times, people said, "If you want to be happy, be happy." This does not mean that the whole world should be rebuilt for the sake of our convenience. There must be elementary patience and self-control. Well, what difference does it make how the man squeezed out the paste? It's not a global tragedy that he hung his clothes on a chair and not on a hanger. You can react differently without getting hysterical.
What else is starting to happen? There is a need to run a business. If earlier at home it was possible to do nothing, or to do occasionally, because you were a child, now everything turned out differently. Previously, they told you: “You will gain more in life, you can rest for now.” And when families are formed classic version is as follows: a young wife can only boil an egg or potatoes, fry scrambled eggs, heat cutlets, and a husband can do about the same thing. Is it readiness for family life? The elementary preparation of dinner becomes a feat. Remember the movie, Munchausen says "Today I have a feat on my schedule"? Then everything in the family becomes a feat. Even simple cooking. Everything used to be done by my mother, but then some duties fell. It is very annoying if you are not ready, if you are used to using it.
What to do in this situation? Grow up! Rebuild! You need to make an effort on yourself. It's elementary, if you remember the stage when children move from kindergarten to school, and they have new responsibilities, new lessons, it takes so much time to prepare. Well, that's why they don't drop out of school! Learn, go further and further.
Just laugh at this little thing, turn everything into a joke. This is on the one hand. On the other hand, go towards each other. This is not such a global problem, because you can listen to another person. This is the most reasonable. There is a phrase - "I will die, but I will not worship." Well, why die standing when it's so easy to come up and hang your jacket in the right place, if it's so annoying to another person, especially a loved one? After all, he will be grateful to you, and the evening will turn out to be happier and there will be no scenes. The same for a woman. If she feels that her husband is annoyed by her long conversations on the phone, she must give in to him.
Who is the head of the family or to Caesar - Caesar's
In the first year, it is determined who will be the head of the family. Husband or wife? Very often, women who marry for love begin their family life by pleasing their husband. It is so natural: when you love, to do good to another person. Many women are carried away. They begin to behave in the spirit of “I will do everything myself. After all, the main thing is that you feel good.” If you need to clean up, of course, she herself. To the store? No need, she's on her own. If the husband offers help, immediately “no need, no need, I myself.” If a man starts to decide something, a woman also tries to take an active part “but I think so”, “let's do as I say”. She, simply put, does not understand at this moment that she is unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) trying to take on the role of the head of the family.
A lot of women who get married behave the same way at a wedding, when the newlyweds are supposed to bite off a piece of the loaf. They try so hard to bite off more. They shout to her: “Bite more!” And the woman tries to swallow to the maximum. According to the Moscow proverb: "The wider you open your mouth, the more you bite off." So they try to open their mouth wider, up to a dislocation. They do not even know that a family tragedy begins here. This is the beginning of family pain in several generations. Why? It is normal for a man when he is the head of the family (whether he understands it or not). The woman is weak. The man himself is more rational, cold-blooded, calm. He has a different mindset. Women are more emotional, we feel more, but we capture more in breadth and not in depth. Therefore, the family council should be in the family: one takes more in width, the other in depth. One is more at the level of a cold mind, the other is at the level of the heart, feelings. Then there is fullness, warmth, comfort.
If a woman, without realizing it, intercepts the role of a leader from a man, the following happens: she changes, loses her femininity, becomes masculine. Pay attention, a woman in love and loving can be seen from afar. She is very gentle, the embodiment of femininity and motherhood, calm, peaceful. If we take emancipated modernity, then in many families matriarchy now reigns, in which the woman is the leader of the family. Why?
Very often, women come for a consultation and say, “Yes, where can I get them, real men. I would love to marry someone like that, but where can I find him?” When you start to analyze the situation, it turns out that with her attitude to life and her behavior, only the man who will shut up and step aside can survive with her without a heart attack. Because someone has to be sane. He thinks: “I’d better keep quiet, because she can’t be shouted down.” She shouts to him: “What kind of husband are you ?!” And he was simply already deaf from her scream. “Yes, here I am. Take it easy. You see that you are not alone. Just you feel that you are a woman.
A woman should be feminine, soft and not hysterical. It must radiate warmth. The task of a woman is to keep the hearth. But what kind of keeper is she, if it's a tsunami, a typhoon, a little Chechen War within the family territory? A woman needs to come to her senses, remember that she is a woman!
Women ask me the question “What should I do if he does not take on the role of head?” Firstly, I must say that we do not prepare boys for the role of the head of the family. It was earlier, before 1917, that the boy was told: “When you grow up, you must become the head of the family, you will answer to God, as your wife was behind you (she is a weak vessel). You will answer how the children felt behind your back (they are small, after all). You will have to answer to God what you have done so that they all feel good.” They told him: “You are a protector! You must protect your family, your homeland." Orthodoxy teaches us that there is no higher honor than laying down one's life for one's friends. It's an honor! Because you are a man. And now they say: “Yes, you think! Do you want to join the army? You will die there! Are you crazy or something?!” Now they are brought up in the spirit: “You are still small, you still have to live for yourself.”
And this “little one” creates a family. And everything would be fine, he could become the head of the family if there was a feminine woman nearby. Nearby should be a wife who was brought up in Orthodox traditions who knows that her task is to be such a wife that she wants to return to her house, because she is there, because she is kind and loving, and not shy away from her with the words "Lord, have mercy." She should be such a mother that the children can come to her for help, and not run away from her, seeing how bad her mood is. She should be the hostess so that it would not be a feat for her to cook food. You see, when a man marries a feminine woman, the family structure is different. And in a family with an emancipated woman, the following situation often occurs. She says: “Last time you did not listen to me, and it turned out badly. So be smart, listen to me now! Haven't you realized yet that you're complete (knock-knock-knock) compared to me?"
When I studied at the institute, our teacher once said: “Girls, remember for the rest of your life: clever man and a smart woman are not the same. Why? A smart person has erudition, extraordinary thinking. A smart woman does not stick out her intellect when communicating, especially in a family. She tries to carefully find the very solution, the softest, most painless, which would suit everyone in the family, to help her husband, and so that everything is peaceful and calm. Many of our women do not behave smartly. They go on a frontal attack, they act like wrestlers in the ring, women's boxing starts. What does a man do? He steps aside. "If you want to fight, well, fight."
The Moscow psychologist (God rest her soul) Tamara Alexandrovna Florenskaya said a wonderful phrase: “In order for a husband to be a real man, you must become a real woman yourself.” We must start with ourselves. This, of course, is difficult, but without this, a real man will not work nearby. When a woman is constantly torn and hysterical, a man tries to step aside so as not to go deaf.
It's so simple. When a woman catches her breath and begins to change, at first the man tensely waits for the usual scenes, begins to ask: “Are you all right?” But then, when it really changes, then the husband finally begins to behave like a man, because he is given the opportunity to behave not like a whipping boy, but like a real man. And then, because the parents behave like a normal husband and wife, and the children calm down. Peace comes to the family, everything falls into place.
Some women say, “How can I act like a helper? I can not! Neither my grandmother nor my mother behaved like this. I've never seen this before my eyes."
Really, how? Everything is trite and very simple - it is not necessary to stick out your “I” and put it at the forefront, but simply love the other and take care of it. Then the heart begins to tell.
For example, a woman says, “Here I am discussing family issues with him, but still the right decision I accept. Why lie then? Why waste time on this? This is how an intelligent person behaves, but an unintelligent woman, because she is digging a grave for her family. She seems to be saying: “I don’t see you point-blank. What did someone say? Are you? What did you squeak there?
Is this how they behave with the head of the family? Here, for example, one very smart woman answers my question: “How do you talk to your husband?” She says: “I will tell you the options that came to my mind, but the decision is up to you. You are the head." She told him how she sees the situation, and he makes the decision. And it is right!
I understand it's hard to say. A modern woman is more likely to break, and will act on the principle of "I will die, but I will not bow down." And the family is falling apart.
It is normal for a woman to turn to a man for advice. And the man begins to get used to the fact that he is in charge, what will be asked of him. When there are children, it is normal to say to the child: “Ask dad. As he says, so be it. After all, he's our boss."
When the children are naughty, it’s right to say: “Quietly, dad is resting. He was at work. Let's be quiet." These are trifles, but it is from them that a happy family is formed. This must be learned to do. This is how a smart woman behaves, the keeper of the hearth. Next to such a woman, a man from an inexperienced boy becomes the head. It is such a family, according to a survey of sociologists and psychologists, that is strong, because everything is in its place.
The relationship of a young family with relatives
Family psychologists who have studied so many young families have come to the conclusion that it is better to live separately from their parents. With modern upbringing, if a young family begins to live separately, it does not affect how they master their roles as painfully as if they lived with their parents.
I'll explain why. Modern people are very infantile. Very often, people who create families, they are still determined to be children, so that mom and dad carry them on their hands, so that mom and dad solve their problems. If there is not enough money to help them. If you can't buy clothes, buy more clothes. If the decor isn't good enough, they can help with the furniture as well. And if there is no apartment, they should rent an apartment. This setting is selfish. Their parents, like small children, must be carried on the handles, they must be rolled in strollers. This is not right, because when you create your own family, these are two adults who may soon have their own children. They already have to carry someone on their hands. When creating a family, it is necessary in advance, before marriage, before the wedding, to think about where the young people will live. It is better to find an opportunity, try to earn money in advance. It is desirable that not at the expense of the parents, but at their own expense, at least for the first six months, rent an apartment and live separately.
Why did psychologists come to the conclusion that with modern upbringing, it is better to start family life separately? When a family is formed, young people must master the role of husband or wife. These roles must be consistent. But it doesn't work out that everything goes smoothly. And to become a good wife, a woman must feel for herself what it means to be a good wife. For her, this is still an unusual state. The same is true for a man. Being a husband is unusual, but he is the head of the family, a lot is expected of him. More recently, there was so much freedom, and now there are only responsibilities. A man needs to get used to it. Young spouses need to coordinate their actions so that communication between husband and wife is a joy. And in these painful moments, when everything does not always work out, it is better for young people to live separately. When one person after the wedding comes to another family, he must not only find a common language with this particular person. He will have to join the life of another family in which they lived without him for very many years. For example, consider the relationship in the classroom when a new student arrives. Everyone had been together for a long time, and then a new one came. At first, everyone looks at him. And it happens, like in the movie "Scarecrow". If a person is different from others, then repressive measures will necessarily begin against him, he will be tested for strength. See how he behaves. Why? He is different, and we need to see how much we can find a common language with him.
The Japanese even have a saying: "If a nail sticks out, it is driven in." What does she mean? If a person stands out in something, they try to fit him common standard to become like everyone else. It turns out that a person who has come to another family, in which all relations have already developed, experiences more difficulties. He has to build relationships not only with one person, husband or wife, but also with other relatives. He is no longer equal, it is more difficult for him.
When young people get married, they look at each other and think that the family is two people. And there are still numerous relatives, and everyone has their own idea of how to behave with this family: what time to come to visit them and leave, in what tone to talk, how often to interfere. And these problems with new relatives are quite painful.
How are today's youth behaving? Very often she was brought up in a system of democracy, in the values of universal equality. Elderly people have lived their lives, they have a rich experience. What is the equality here? What a familiar pat on the shoulder? There must be respect for adults! But even adults now have their distortions. It is written in the Gospel that "and a man will leave his father and his mother, and the two will become one flesh." A person must leave his parents. They have the right to intervene in the life of a child when he does not have his own family. When he has his own family, he is, as they say, "a cut piece." The family must make their own decisions, in their own family council. Climbing up to them so actively with advice is not allowed.
Especially often there are problems when a mother interferes in the life of a young family. A man, unlike a woman, rarely intervenes in the family of his child. What is the mother's mistake? The only mistake is that it helps incorrectly. Help, of course, is needed, but not at the level of humiliation and reproaches. The same thing can be said at the level of a reprimand, a public slap in the face. And the same can be said very carefully, one on one. "Daughter, I wanted to talk to you." When it is said with love, the heart always responds. When this is said with the wrong inner attitude, the person starts to reject. We must learn to help another person. Not at the level of the sovereign, who beats with a whip, but at the parental level, having many years of experience behind her and instructing them, fledgling chicks, helping with advice. They will definitely listen!
And another feature: very many young people now, when they are creating families, they begin to call their new parents not “mother” and “dad”, but by their first name and patronymic. Their motivation is as follows: “Well, you know, I have a dad and a mom. And it's hard for me to say "mom" and "dad" strangers". This is not true! We have official style and informal style in clothes, there is a classic suit and there is home clothes. The official style also implies official communication by name and patronymic, here it is indecent to call by name. This style of communication sets the distance. If in a family where there are close relationships, communication takes place at the level of an official reception, then a distance immediately appears. And then the question: why do they treat me with arrogance? It's okay to call your new parents "mom" and "dad" if you're well-bred. “Mommy”, “daddy”, and the answer will be involuntarily - “daughter” or “son”. As it comes around, so it will respond. There is such a law in psychology: if you want to change your attitude towards yourself, change your attitude towards this person. We must feel with the heart of another person.
This is very difficult. Many women in consultations say: “He has such a mother! It's impossible to bear it. Why should I love her?" You understand, if you lack so much kindness, love at least her for the fact that she gave birth and raised such a son to you. She gave birth. And she raised. And now you're married to him. For that, you should be grateful to her. Start at least with this, and the other person will feel it. Necessarily! As it comes around, so it will respond. You need to love your relatives, and not immediately arrange transformations: “I came, and now everything will be different. Here we will rearrange, here we will plant flowers, we will replace the curtains.” If this family lived in its own way, and you came to this family, you must respect it. You need to start by loving other people and learning how to give love. Do not demand, but give!
This is the task of the first year of family life. It's very hard. If a person is brought up in Orthodoxy, it is natural for him. If he was brought up in a modern way: in the spirit of “live, take everything from life”, then these are continuous problems. As a result, the first year ends, and you think, “Before that, life went on calmly, like in a fairy tale. And there are so many problems. Let's get divorced." And people get divorced without realizing that family life can be very happy, you just have to work hard, and then the return can be huge. If at the very beginning of family life this sprout is broken off, then there will be a point, thorns for the rest of your life. That is, you need to let the family get stronger, gain strength so that it gives you warmth.
This painful moment of the formation of a family is common. For example, a baby learns to walk, he gets up and falls, gets up and falls. But this does not mean that now he should not learn to walk. A young family, she also learn to walk. But there is such a feature. When a baby learns to walk, it is necessary that an adult stands nearby, constantly insures, takes by the hand. In the case of a young family, they should hold each other's hand. Together, husband and wife. Psychologists recommend starting to learn to walk separately from other relatives. When they learn to walk with one foot, figuratively speaking, then it turns out that they can already move to the next step. It is possible after some time, after they have lived separately, to move to their parents. And the money that was spent on paying for an apartment can already be spent on other things.
In addition, a separate life helps young spouses grow up. I started with the fact that we have some young people, and even for the most part, when they start family life, they also have consumer attitudes. “Give it, give it, give it! I am still a child, I am still small and there is no demand from me.” But imagine if a person ended up on a desert island. Who will pay attention to whether you are small or rather big, whether you know how to cook or not? You will be forced to look around so that you can eat it, and then you will have to look for a way to cook it. After all, you will not eat raw fish, such as it was thrown ashore? You have to find opportunities, learn how to cook food, how to arrange your life. When young people begin to live separately, they seem to be on that same desert island. It depends only on them what they will eat, how they will live, how they will build relationships. It helps you grow up much faster. And infantile attitudes, such as “carry me in your arms,” must be removed. This is reasonable, and I think parents should not interfere with this. Of course, I want my children to be all right, I want to pick them up in their arms. But it's time for them to grow up. Listen to this. Of course, there are times when young people are already internally mature, when they can build their relationships while being in the family of their parents. But for most young people it is very difficult. These are additional problems.
The appearance of a child
The second stage, the second step. First year. A child appears in the family. I do not take the case of so-called "feigned" marriages (that is, when the bride is pregnant and therefore the marriage takes place). Previously, in Russia it was considered a shame. Why? The word "bride" means - "unknown", synonyms - mystery, purity. Her clothes are white, a sign of purity. In our case, which bride is the unknown? Recently I was shown a fashion magazine for a pregnant bride. Different types of wedding dresses for pregnant brides. Simply accustom deliberately, systematically to debauchery. Previously, it was at the level of shame, but now it is in the order of things.
What happens if the bride is pregnant? The first crisis of family life is superimposed by another - the child. And the family is bursting at the seams. If you look psychologically. And if you know the spiritual laws, then things are already obvious here. The fact is that when a person lives according to the commandments of God, when he is covered with grace, everything happens by itself for him. He goes with gratitude. There is a sense of security. Feeling that God is love and He cares about each of us. When a person starts to sin… there is such a thing as “sin stinks”. The guardian angel departs because our sin stinks. Grace departs from us, we begin to suffer, to suffer. We ourselves have departed from God. We chose this path and suffer ourselves. When the bride becomes so “experienced” (and sometimes more than one man), and then she asks: “Why do I suffer so much, why do my children suffer?” Well, open the Gospel, read it!
When a child was born earlier, they prayed, asked God to send that child who would be a joy to the family, a joy to God. Now often "holiday" children are born. When people get drunk on holidays and in this state they conceive a child. And then the baby is born, and the parents ask: who did he go to, didn’t we have such a family?
Before, when a woman was carrying a child, she always prayed. She confessed often, took communion. Through this, the child is formed. The body of a woman is a house for this baby. She is cleansed, and her condition affects the child. Naturally, everything also affects the relationship with her husband, physical relationships cease. Because this is a hormonal earthquake for the baby. Why do they say "imbibed with mother's milk"? When the mother was feeding the baby, she prayed. And if a mother, while feeding, swore with her husband or watched a film of semi-pornographic content, which is now constantly shown on TV, then what is laid on the baby with mother's milk? Remember how you behaved when you carried a child and fed. And why be surprised after that?
There are no dead ends in Orthodoxy. God is absolute love and He is waiting for our repentance. Only. And as in the parable of the prodigal son, only the son returns, the father ran to meet him. “Father, I am not worthy to be called your son,” says the son, and the father runs to meet him. Here you just need to realize and repent, and repentance means correction. And repentance should not only be at the level of “now I won’t do this.” It is necessary to go to confession, to take communion. We heal then soul and body.
We often would like to cope with our strengths, but we cannot. I remember that in the Soviet period there was a slogan: "Man is the blacksmith of his own happiness." And in one newspaper I read: "Man is the grasshopper of his own happiness." Exactly! A person jumps, chirps, thinks that he is jumping high. What a blacksmith! After all, without God, man cannot do anything. Therefore, you need to go to God, repent, ask for strength, say “I have already done so much in my life, help me, fix it, I can’t, you can. Help! Wise me, direct and fix everything. You could revive four-day Lazarus when he was already a stinking corpse. You revive me, revive my family, which is already stinking, disintegrating, my children who have suffered, you help them yourself. And, of course, you need to start improving yourself. It's all possible.
What happens when a young family has a baby? They expect him and think: now everything will be fine. And it begins that they must assume the new roles of mother and father. There is a feat of motherhood and fatherhood. This love is sacrificial, you have to forget about yourself. But how can you forget about yourself? It's so hard when you're selfish. And when you love, it's not difficult at all.
When a baby is born, how is the load in the family rebuilt? Firstly, if we take the statistics, the workload for household chores sharply increases for a woman, the time for cooking is doubled. For adults, cook for a small one. And all by the hour. In addition, the time for washing increases many times over.
Farther. A newborn baby should sleep 18-20 hours a day. But now in our city, and throughout Russia, only 3% of absolutely healthy babies. In babies, the diagnosis of "hyperexcitability" has become a traditional one. What modern baby sleeps for 18-20 hours? He cries and cries. As a result, when crying stops, a woman can fall asleep both sitting and half standing. The woman has such an emotional overload. What about the man? He thought it would be such a blessing. But it turned out to be the opposite: the wife rushes about, the child cries. And that's what family life is all about.
What happens next? An offer comes in: “Let's get a divorce? So tired! But why get divorced? You just need to grow up. A child will not be a baby all his life. In a year, he will begin to walk, grow, and then the baby has an amazing ability (up to 5 years old) to bring joy. They are such suns in the family, they are so happy with everything. "What is there to be happy about?" - we think. And they are so happy: “Mom, look at the house here, and the house here, and around the house.” And he's so happy. “Oh, mother, look at the bird!” And he is happy. For them, everything is the first time in their lives. This is a lesson for us, adults, how to get joy from everything.
Recording of the conversation - Center for the Protection of Maternity "Cradle", Yekaterinburg.
Transcription, editing, headings - site
A distance (online) course will help to find family happiness .
(Psychologist Alexander Kolmanovsky)
The ship of the family crashes on the ice of selfishness ( Crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
The family needs hierarchy Psychologist Lyudmila Ermakova)
Commitment keeps people together Family psychologist Irina Rakhimova)
Marriage: the end and the beginning of freedom ( Psychologist Mikhail Zavalov)
Does a family need a hierarchy? ( Psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
If you create a family, then for life ( Yuri Borzakovsky, Olympic champion)
The country of the family is a great country ( Vladimir Gurbolikov)
Apologia for marriage ( Priest Pavel Gumerov)
Family relations, the family and its problems are the object of study of a number of sciences - psychology, pedagogy, sociology, demography, economics. Specialists study the dynamics of emotional relationships in marriage, the causes of loneliness in the family and its breakdown, and the features of family education.
The nature of such a complex human and social phenomenon as the family is determined not only by intra-family relations, but also by socio-economic, historical, national and other conditions. The family develops and changes along with society, remaining its most stable and conservative element. At present, changes in socio-cultural conditions sharply exacerbate the contradictions between family and extra-family relations, which are often defined as a “value crisis of the family”.
Society is interested in a spiritually stable family capable of raising a biologically and morally healthy child. The physical, social, moral health of the younger generation is the health of the nation as a whole. It is in the family that the foundations of a citizen's personality, his value attitudes and orientations are formed, the content of which meets the needs of a socially just, legal and economically efficient society. The family, until recently, served as an organizing principle in the performance by the individual of the basic family functions proper, was the source of a person’s mastery of certain labor skills and abilities, which guaranteed successful adaptation in society.
The results of a detailed examination of the state of the modern family are not limited to stating that the family at the turn of the 20th-21st centuries has a different set of characteristics than the family of past eras. The study of the family, its place and role in the life of the individual and society, is important for the following reasons:
The history of the development of mankind shows that so far no society could do without the family (albeit its primitive forms) as the executor of some specific social orders of society;
The family is unique and so far the only one social institution education, reproducing people as carriers of social, cultural, ethnic information;
Not a single public, state, social institution, no matter how humanely it is arranged, today is not able to really solve the problem of the psychological loneliness of modern man.
The processes of successful socialization and identification of a person require a stable rhythm of social relations, suggest long-term interpersonal relationships, the focus of these relations is not on individualistic, for example, hedonistic aspirations, but on the realization of high social and spiritual values.
Social orphanhood, deviant behavior, teenage suicides, social and school maladaptation, child prostitution, drug addiction, alcoholism, crime - this is an incomplete list of asocial phenomena observed today in society, the origin of which is due to the state of the family institution, and the elimination of which, on the other hand, is possible only with the creation of a full-fledged institution of the family. This practical, vital task primarily determines the requirement for a serious scientific and philosophical study of the family, including its modern evolution, and, consequently, the relevance of the chosen topic.
Basics of family relations
Family is complicated social education. Researchers define it as a historically specific system of relationships between spouses, between parents and children, as a small group whose members are connected by marriage or kinship, common life and mutual moral responsibility, as a social necessity, which is due to the need of society for the physical and spiritual reproduction of the population.
Family relations are governed by the norms of morality and law. Their basis is marriage - a legitimate recognition of the relationship between a man and a woman, which is accompanied by the birth of children and responsibility for the physical and moral health of family members. Important conditions for the existence of a family are Team work and a certain spatial localization - dwelling, house, property as the economic basis of her life, as well as the general cultural environment within the framework of the general culture of a certain people, confession, state. Thus, a family is a community of people based on a single family-wide activity, connected by ties of matrimony - parenthood - kinship (blood and spiritual), carrying out the reproduction of the population and the continuity of family generations, as well as the socialization of children and support for family members. The forms of families are diverse, their typology depends on the subject of study.
The psychology of family relations focuses on the study of the patterns of interpersonal relations in the family, intra-family relations (their stability, stability) from the standpoint of influencing the development of the individual. Knowledge of regularities makes it possible to carry out practical work with families, diagnose and help rebuild family relationships. The main parameters of interpersonal relations are status-role differences, psychological distance, relationship valency, dynamics, stability.
The family as a social institution has its own development trends. Today, the rejection of the traditional requirement for a family in its unambiguous sequence: marriage, sexuality, procreation (birth, birth) is no longer considered a violation of sociocultural norms (birth of a child out of wedlock, sexual relations before marriage, the inherent value of intimate relations between husband and wife etc.).
Many modern women do not perceive motherhood as an exclusively marriage attribute. One third of families consider the birth of a child an obstacle to marriage, and women are more so than men (respectively - 36 and 29%). A socio-cultural normative system appeared - procreative ethics: it is preferable, but not necessary, to marry; having children is desirable, but their absence is not an anomaly; sex life outside of marriage is not a mortal sin.
Types and forms of family relations
In a family, each person is individual and unique: family members see and evaluate their family life differently. This determines the characteristics of the family, its type, which is determined by such an indicator as the quality of family relations. American psychologist Muriel James the following types family unions: marriage of convenience, spiritual union, romantic marriage, partnership marriage, marriage based on love.
Marriage of convenience
People who marry for reasons of profit most often see this union as a practical solution to some particular problem. Historically, the oldest basis of marriage has been profit. AT different times marriage solved a variety of problems: political, dynastic, economic, psychological, sexual, etc. Some people see the psychological benefit of marriage in that they save themselves from loneliness. They try to get married out of fear or concern for their lonely future. Usually, if we want to get married for the sake of our peace and psychological comfort, then we are trying to start a family to satisfy our need to take care of someone or in order to feel taken care of. One of the main reasons for marriage of convenience, which unites a man and a woman for a life together, can be considered the desire to create a family. The expected benefit may be child-rearing assistance or financial support. Quite often, the creation of a family is facilitated by the need for the future partner to perform burdensome household functions - washing, cooking, repairing household items, etc. Even more often, marriage is based on economic considerations. Another type of marriage of convenience is the so-called dynastic marriages. This also includes marriages for political reasons.
Marriages of convenience, entered into for purely rational reasons, often provide a practical solution to the most different problems. They can maintain their strength and stability for a long time, as long as the relationship of the spouses remains beneficial to both partners. Sometimes the convenience found in marriage becomes more and more stable, and the marriages themselves gradually begin to include elements of romanticism. As a result, the relationship of partners develop into true love. The internal cohesion of the modern family depends mainly on psychological reasons. One economic and economic interdependence is not enough to unite the family, unlike in the past. The leading role here is played by family ties based on love, the desire of spouses for harmonious relationships, on the unity of views on the main issues of life of all family members, on mutual understanding, respect, mutual responsibility and courtesy, on the unity of the requirements that all adult family members place on children and to each other. A wordless relationship is established between many spouses - the partners feel each other, as if tuned in to the same wave, feeling the complete kinship of souls.
romantic marriage
Muriel James considers romantic love as love to some extent idealized, close to the state of acute love, passion, fueled by strong, exciting erotic feelings. Sometimes passion develops into true love for life, but it can remain just passion. It is not uncommon for couples who marry with such feelings to complain afterwards that "they have no romance left at all," that "the heat of passion has disappeared." The end of the honeymoon for such spouses means, as it were, the end of the period of romantic passion and the extinction of the "fever" that previously caused a mixture of suffering and delight, when the obstacles seemed so difficult, and the torment so strong. The romance of love includes the recognition and attitude towards the beloved as special and beautiful, but not as an adored or idealized person. Romance is necessary for the real daily life of the spouses, but it must also be in the intimate directions of the marital union.
marriage partnership
If romantic marriages are most often created on the basis of abstract dreams and tragic torments, then partnership marriages are much closer to real life. Marriage partnership is often found between spouses for whom romantic relationships in themselves do not bring joy and pleasure, and sexual desires have faded as a result of illness or any other reasons. This is due to the fact that people tend to choose their friends and especially marry those who are their equals not only in terms of intellectual level, but also in terms of attractiveness. Experiments confirm this "level" phenomenon. For older people, this is especially important when there is a person nearby with whom you can share all the joys and sorrows of life, who you can take care of, thanks to whom a person is deprived of loneliness. Therefore, a marriage based on companionship is created with the common interests of both partners.
open marriage
Behind the "open marriage" is a special worldview, excluding such concepts as physical adultery, the guilt that arises as a result of it; the freedom of extramarital sexual contacts of each of the partners is not interpreted by the other as a betrayal. Such a marriage is built on the voluntary acceptance by a couple of principles and desires that suit both partners. The "participants" of such a marriage cease to profess sexual monogamy, commitment to one partner who is a spouse, and begin, with the knowledge and approval of each other, to diversify their sexual contacts, while remaining a faithful and most importantly loving couple. Their supporters sharply and clearly share the physical affection periodically experienced by various partners, and the true feeling that they have for each other.
Love-match
The word "love" is used in a variety of meanings. Defining their relationship, men and women say that they fell in love or fell out of love, lost love. Love is the name given to the feeling that people experience for their family, friends and relatives. All these manifestations of feelings of love are very important for people. The feelings that arise between a man and a woman who show interest in each other can give rise to a real mutual love even when the interest takes the disguised form of some benefit. People who are interested in each other are potentially able to create their marriage for the sake of love. In marriage, love is usually expressed more fully and strongly. It focuses on a particular person, tying together inner essence two people. Marriage, which includes elements of reciprocity, consists of experiences of extraordinary depth and romantic outbursts of delightful passion, a fusion of common interests and manifestations of great and reliable friendship. All these moments cement marriage, create unity, not excluding the possibility of solitude. In a marriage based on a feeling of love, both can successfully coexist.
Problems and crises of family relations
According to studies by sociologists and family counselors, each family goes through several stages of development, and the transition from one to another is usually accompanied by a crisis. It is generally accepted that everyday difficulties lead to complications in family life. But, besides everyday life, there are many reasons that can provoke a crisis in the family, at any stage of its existence. First, problems in family life can begin when one of the spouses experiences his own psychological crisis, such as a midlife crisis. Reviewing his life, feeling dissatisfied with himself, a person decides to change everything, including his family life. Secondly, any of the events listed below entails changes in the family structure. For example, the birth of a child, as well as such life milestones as the child entering school, the transitional age of the child, leaving the parental family.
In addition, the cause of the crisis for spouses is difficulties at work, problems in relationships with relatives, a change in financial situation (both in the direction of its deterioration and in the direction of improvement), the family moving to another city or country. And, of course, more serious stress factors - serious illnesses, deaths, wars, job loss, the birth of handicapped children.
Psychologists conditionally distinguish several of the most explosive ages of the family. According to statistics, about half of all marriages break up after the first year of marriage. Newly made spouses do not stand the test of "everyday life". Disagreements may relate to the distribution of responsibilities, the unwillingness of partners to change their habits.
The next critical age for a family is the first 3-5 years of marriage. It is at this time that children most often appear in the family, and the spouses are concerned about the arrangement of separate housing and their professional problems, career growth. Physical and nervous tension cause alienation and misunderstanding between husband and wife. During this period, romantic love is reborn into marital friendship - the spouses are now comrades-in-arms, and not ardent lovers.
After 7-9 years of living together, another crisis may occur, associated with such a phenomenon as addiction. Life has more or less stabilized, the children have grown up. It is not uncommon for spouses to experience disappointment when comparing reality with what it seemed a few years ago in dreams. It begins to seem to the spouses that now the whole life will be the same, they want something new, unusual, fresh sensations.
Time passes, and if the husband and wife are still together, after 16-20 years of marriage, another worldly reef is possible. It is exacerbated by the midlife crisis of one of the spouses. There is a frightening feeling that everything has already been achieved, everything has happened, both in personal and in professional field.
Foreign sociologists during this period call another crisis period in the life of the family: when adult children leave it. Spouses are deprived of their main "leading" activity - raising children. They must learn to live together again. And women who were exclusively concerned with children and the home need to acquire new life tasks. For our culture, this side of the crisis is less relevant: often adult children stay with their parents. In addition, in most cases, parents take an active part in the family life of their children, raising their grandchildren.
It is important not only to learn to ask for forgiveness, but also to accept apologies. It is dangerous to "sulk" on a partner for several days, making him feel guilty - in the end it will get boring. If you are not ready for a truce, say it directly: "You know, I need time to cool down, calm down." A family crisis is primarily a crisis of communication. More than 80% of couples applying for psychological help complain about difficulties in communicating with each other. While problems with children and their upbringing, sexual or financial difficulties are the cause of family crisis in only 40% of cases.
How to avoid the four biggest mistakes in love
Four symptoms of a love crisis
Love doesn't fall apart overnight. There are symptoms, warning signs, indicating that emotional stress has reached a critical point.
I divide these symptoms into four stages, covering the entire critical period. People fall under the influence of these symptoms all the time. If you do not learn how to manage them, the symptoms will turn into four stages of the extinction of love.
These four symptoms are: RESISTANCE, RESPONDENCE. DISABLED, SUPPRESSED.
Resistance
It is perfectly normal when, when communicating with another person, even very close ones, you resist him. This happens when you do not like something in his words or behavior. You feel dissatisfied, irritated, emotionally detached to a certain extent.
Example 1. You are lying with a partner in bed, about to fall asleep. He suddenly becomes active, clearly wanting to make love. You experience internal resistance, you think: "I wish he showed more tenderness and patience. He is in too much of a hurry."
Example 2: The wife is talking to her best friend and joking all the time about what a bad father you are. Internal resistance is brewing in you, you begin to feel irritation.
Most people ignore the resistance phase, pretending that everything is in order. At the same time, people think something like this: "Don't get upset over nonsense. Don't be nagging, everyone has their shortcomings. It's better to forget about it, why rock the boat?" This is your first mistake. You cannot ignore the feeling of resistance that is brewing in you, otherwise you will soon find yourself in the second stage.
If you suppress the feeling of resistance, do not share it with your partner, the tension accumulates and turns into a second symptom - chronic resentment.
Resentment
I mean chronic resentment, which accumulates in the soul of a person, if he constantly suppresses the feeling of protest, resistance. You are no longer just annoyed by your partner's behavior, it seems unbearable to you! If resistance causes only irritation, then resentment causes anger.
You constantly experience anger, hostility, disappointment, and love feelings are out of the question. That's when you start building an emotional wall between yourself and your partner.
Example 1. Your partner is constantly impatient when having sex, and you do not tell him about your displeasure. In the end, you are simply unable to endure his habits - they become hateful to you. You think: "Why is he pawing me so roughly? How insensitive he is!"
Example 2. Your wife constantly nags you for allegedly not paying enough attention to children. You do not like her criticism, but you prefer to remain silent. In the end, a serious resentment arises in you: “Why does she find fault with me all the time?
If you do not tell your partner about your resentment, the resentment accumulates and leads you to the third stage - the stage of disconnection.
Shutdown
Disconnection means emotional, and, usually, physical separation from a partner. The love crisis reaches this stage when the feeling of protest and resentment completely destroys the emotional intimacy with the partner, so you prefer to separate from him. Shutdown occurs in two ways:
1. Active Shutdown
:
you reject your partner openly. You threaten to leave.
Refuse to fulfill his wishes.
Complain about him to all your mutual friends.
Scold him with your last words.
Refuse to have sexual contact with him.
Try to spend as much time as possible without him.
During quarrels, leave the room, slamming the door behind you.
2. Passive Shutdown
:
your partner may not be aware of your attitude, which manifests itself in a hidden form.
You fantasize about other sexual partners.
You have a romance on the side.
You don't react when you have sex with a partner.
You lose sexual interest in him.
You immerse yourself in work in order to spend less time at home.
You don't listen when your partner is talking to you.
You don't agree with him no matter what.
Secretly, you dream of "freedom" - to break up with your partner and start life anew.
Sexual trip
In the third stage of a love crisis, sexual life is disrupted, if not completely disappears. You cannot be sexually interested in a person who only annoys you, you prefer to switch off. Your sexual desire is weakened, if not completely disappears. It may very well be that you assure yourself: I am not interested in sex at all. The mere thought of intimacy with a partner can make you feel disgusted.
If at the same time the marital relationship continues, your life is constantly filled with either negative emotions or deadly boredom. It depends on what type of shutdown you have chosen: active or passive.
Most couples break up at this stage. Breakups are usually painful because there is a lot of anger and bitterness in the relationship.
If you do not tell your partner that you have "disconnected" from him, the emotional tension continues to build up and takes you to the fourth stage - the stage of suppression.
suppression
Suppression is a state of emotional deafness. When you are tired of resistance, resentment, disconnection, you begin to suppress your negative emotions to feel better.
This process can occur both consciously and subconsciously. Falling into a state of suppression of feelings, you say to yourself:
"Don't fight about it anymore."
"None of that matters."
"We need to somehow get along - at least for the sake of the children."
"I'm too tired to argue with him."
"Everyone has their problems, it's better not to pay attention to them."
"We have to keep up appearances - after all, we have children (neighbors look at us, I have to think about my work, the church does not approve of divorce, etc.). Let's behave in a civilized way."
If you are in the fourth stage, emotional deafness will be your companion for the rest of your life. You lose passion, as if you cease to live. Your mood becomes even, dull, boring. You feel tired all the time, lack of energy. It is possible that you will be able to suppress the pain, but at the same time joy and acuity will leave your life.
Suppression is the most dangerous of the four symptoms, because a person can easily fall into self-deception: he begins to believe that his family relationships are quite normal, although in fact mortal danger hangs over a person. I have often worked with couples in the repression stage. They all thought they had no problems. Of course, they did without sex, without passion, without joy. Usually such people say that they "sorted out their problems." This means that they have learned to suppress their feelings and can now, at the very least, coexist.
From the outside, it may seem that such a married couple is quite satisfied with their lives. Spouses never quarrel, do not argue, they are always polite with each other. At first glance, such a relationship can even cause envy. And then you suddenly find out that this "ideal" married couple got divorced. “I don’t understand anything,” you say. “After all, they were so happy!” They weren't happy, they seemed happy. These people suppressed their unpleasant emotions, and they ended up killing their own love.
To live at this stage is also abnormal from a purely physiological point of view. When a person suppresses hopes, dreams, desires, tension accumulates in him, which affects the general state of health.
I believe that one of the main problems of our society is that there are a lot of people around us who suppress their feelings. When conventional means are not enough, these people resort to alcohol, drugs, tranquilizers, overeating, fanatical industriousness and other inadequate types of behavior.
That's why I took up seminary work because I know that people need to be taught to get rid of emotional tension, to be taught to analyze their feelings and be able to express them. Thousands of people suffering from repression have attended my seminars. It often happened that after just a couple of days they came to life, resurrected to life and love.
Your emotional schema
I spent many years working as a psychotherapist and seminar leader before I understood mysterious world emotions. As a result of the work done, I developed a system that I call "Emotional schema".
The Emotion Chart is a simple yet powerful formula to help you understand your own feelings and the feelings of others. Thanks to her, you will learn to get rid of unpleasant emotions (anger, resentment, fear) and resurrect love. I have found that when a person feels upset or frustrated, he simultaneously experiences emotions, which are divided into five groups.
Five groups of emotions:
1. ANGER, a sense of revenge, the search for the guilty.
2. resentment, bitterness, disappointment.
3. FEAR, uncertainty.
4. REPENTANCE, regret, sense of responsibility.
5. LOVE, tolerance, forgiveness.
When you are upset, one of these emotions comes to the fore: anger, resentment, fear, or remorse. But emotions are located in your soul in layers, like the earth's crust. In the depths there is magma - love and the need for intimacy and communication.
Anger, the search for the guilty, resentment - this is, as it were, the first line of defense that helps you defend yourself and repel an attack. At a deeper level are resentment, bitterness and disappointment - feelings are much less active. Deeper still lies the fear and insecurity that makes you vulnerable. Then follows a layer associated with repentance, regret, a sense of responsibility - faithful companions of failed love. And underneath it all lies love itself. The rest of the feelings are just a reaction that we fall victim to when our love is threatened.
When a person experiences anger, resentment, or another negative feeling, he “turns off love” for a while. ".
Emotional tension can only be relieved when a person consistently passes through all four layers that lie on top of love.
If you "skip" some of the emotional layers, the conflict remains not completely resolved; emotional stress accumulates in the soul. You can not immediately go down to the deepest layer. At the same time, emotional tension does not disappear anywhere - you accumulate it and drag it along with you through life, it accompanies you even when you enter into a new love union.
How to tell the whole truth
Now that you have gained an understanding of the emotional schema, you have a better understanding of what causes your family conflicts.
Most of the problems that arise in human relationships are due to the fact that people do not tell each other the full truth.
When you are upset and trying to tell your partner how you feel, you tend to focus on the emotional layer that is closer to the surface - anger or resentment. The partner behaves in the same way. As a result, you say a lot of unpleasant things to each other, which are quite difficult to perceive.
Let's take a very simple situation as an example. Maria and her husband Alex have just returned from a trip to Japan. Friends have a party in their honor, Maria tells them about the trip. Alex interrupts her all the time, corrects her, inserts all sorts of remarks. Maria is boiling internally, thinking: "Shame on him!" When they are alone, she lashes out at her husband:
Why are you always picking on me? I'm terribly angry with you. You ruined my whole evening!
Is Maria telling Alex the truth? Undoubtedly. She is angry, offended and does not hide it. However, anger and resentment are only part of the truth, the tip of the iceberg of her emotions.
How does Alex behave in this situation? Most likely, it goes into a counterattack.
Maria: Why are you picking on me all the time? I am very angry with you.
Alex: I didn't pick on you, I corrected you.
Maria: You were being impolite.
Alex: Impolite? Relax, do not boil over nonsense.
Maria: Because of the nonsense?! You are so insensitive!
Alex: Look, you just can't please!
And off we go!
And now let's try to figure out what are the feelings of Mary in their entirety.
Anger. Well, we all know about Mary's wrath.
Resentment. Why, exactly, was Maria so mad at Alex? Because he offended her, she felt that he treated her without respect. It is very disappointing when a loved one shows you insufficient respect.
Fear. Fear and self-doubt are rooted behind resentment. Maria, on a subconscious level, thinks: “Is he really tired of me? Probably, I don’t know how to behave in public. Alex is unhappy with me.”
Repentance. Deeper than fear is repentance and a sense of responsibility. Maria does not feel guilty, but she feels that she is drawing herself and her loved one into conflict. This layer of emotions, as it were, says to her: "How could you allow so many inaccuracies in your story? You shouldn't have been so nervous in the presence of strangers. Why did you start this quarrel?"
Love. Even deeper is the desire to keep love. At this level, Maria does not want to conflict at all, she agrees to admit that she was wrong. Maria would like Alex to be proud of her, so that she learns to tell as well as he does.
So, at the heart of everything is love. If Maria didn't love Alex so much, she wouldn't care what he thinks of her. But she loves him, so she is bitter that he did not like her story. She is afraid of losing him, offended by his critical attitude, and angry at him for treating her this way.
This is what Maria would say if she expressed all her feelings, if she would tell the whole truth: "Alex, I want to tell you how I feel in this moment, because they prevent me from feeling close to you, and this closeness is not enough for me. Hear me out to the end before you object. I am very angry with you for being critical of my story. In my opinion, it was impolite, I was embarrassed in front of my friends. You offended me by being critical of my manner of presentation. I'm afraid you're ashamed of me, you think I'm not smart enough. I'm also afraid that I've bored you, and your criticisms are evidence of this. I am very afraid that our conversation will develop into a big quarrel. I'm sorry I didn't speak well enough. And I'm sorry the conversation took such a turn. I really want you to be proud of me, I want us to feel safe. I love you very much, our joint happiness- the most important thing for me. For me it has great importance what you think of me. That's why I got upset."
Here is the truth in its entirety. Maria is angry with Alex because she loves him. When a person expresses the whole truth, the topic of conversation becomes voluminous: Maria can analyze the whole gamut of her feelings, convey it to her husband, and most importantly, anger will not harm her love.
SECRET: Unpleasant emotions conceal love and the desire for intimacy.
Here are a few examples that will show you how to define your feelings in their entirety when something unpleasant happens. Note that the initial feeling is very different from the deep feeling.
Situation 1: The husband is critical of your appearance, making the comparison with another woman not in your favor.
Deep Feelings:
I'm sorry that I don't seem attractive enough to you.
I'm sad that you compare me to another woman.
I'm scared that I'm tired of you.
I'm scared that you'll stop loving me if I don't lose weight.
I'm sorry you're not proud of me.
I regret that recent times completely unraveled.
I want to be beautiful - for you.
I love you and your opinion is very important to me.
Situation 2: Your wife scolds you for not having enough money for your vacation.
Your initial feelings: anger and resentment.
Deep Feelings:
It hurts me to feel like I don't earn enough.
I am bitter that although we both work, there is always a shortage of money.
I'm scared that I'm not as lucky as you would like.
I am afraid that I am not given to be enterprising in everything that concerns money.
I'm sorry we can't travel.
I regret that I cannot provide you with everything you deserve.
I want to earn more money so we can travel.
I love you so much that I would like to provide you with the very best.
If you are stuck
This is what happens when you don't show all levels of feeling. You may think that you are angry, but in fact you are suffering from resentment. You may think that you are depressed, but in fact you are scared. Without expressing the whole gamut of feelings, you cannot get rid of emotional tension, you get bogged down in one state.
Take another look at the emotional diagram and ask yourself, which of these feelings is the most difficult for me? I'm almost sure that you have raised yourself in such a way that you do not feel the emotions of a certain group. This leads to you getting stuck in the emotions of other groups. If you are a man, you may have been taught from childhood that in no case should you show resentment or fear, because this will indicate weakness.
The only emotion that men can show in any quantity is anger. You were hit - give back, the main thing - do not sit and whine.
SECRET ABOUT MEN (FOR WOMEN): When a man experiences a strong feeling, he often discharges emotional stress in the only way he knows well - he falls into a rage.
If a man is afraid to show his vulnerability, he often falls into anger or withdraws into himself, pretending to be impregnable. Remember, if you are offended when your love is threatened, it is very difficult for you to show your defenselessness. Most often, you pretend that you do not care, although in fact you are hurt and offended.
Anger is one of the ways we resort to when we are trying to deal with resentment. Of course, this applies not only to men, but also to women, although women are less afraid to show their defenselessness.
Have you noticed that you get angry more often than you like? It is very likely that a sense of resentment is manifested in this way. You use your temper as an excuse - to hide from feeling fear and resentment. Ask yourself what exactly offends you, what exactly you are afraid of in each case. Do not be afraid to cry more often, turn to the child who lives in the bowels of your soul and needs love. When you give yourself permission to freely express resentment, fear, remorse, you experience incredible emotional and physical relief, as a result, anger and irritation subside.
Maybe you have a partner who gets angry very often? If you suspect that he is covering up his vulnerability in this way, help him:
Don't answer his rage with your rage.
- Ask how you offended him, what he is afraid of. By doing so, you kind of give your partner permission to freely express their feelings.
- Perhaps the partner himself does not know about his deepest feelings, so help him, tell me what the true motives of his discontent may be. For example: "Darling, you must have been offended when I said that your fishing venture is sheer stupidity. You must be afraid that I will nag you for your addiction to fishing and that we will constantly quarrel about this."
- Imagine that your partner is a small offended child who wants, but cannot ask for comfort and encouragement. This will help you respond to his behavior not with anger, but with love.
Maybe, on the contrary, anger is difficult for you? There are people who suffer from a problem of the opposite nature: they are organically incapable of being aggressive. Many women are brought up in such a way that they are used to believing that being angry is "indecent." For women of this circle, rage is a manifestation of vulnerability, that is, something just the opposite. It is "decent" for women to cry, to pretend to be frightened. A woman can grieve, suffer, show her vulnerability in every possible way. Very often, tears become camouflage for aggression. There are also men who have been taught from childhood to extinguish rage in themselves. Such men usually replace anger with self-deprecation.
Another kind of camouflage for anger is being critical and sarcastic. How often people who do not dare to be angry harass their partner with nit-picking and caustic remarks. Thus, they evade the need to show rage, to face a partner directly.
Result of anger suppression
The main result is depression.
Depression is not an intense feeling of bitterness. This is repressed anger transferred from a partner to oneself.
If you cannot constructively release your anger, it builds up in your soul. It takes a huge amount of energy to suppress anger, so a person experiences fatigue, a decline in vitality, hopelessness, and depression. Weight vital energy spent on it. to keep anger in check.
If you are depressed and you know for sure that its cause is not related to physiology, ask yourself: maybe you are suppressing anger in yourself? Give yourself permission to get really angry, don't ignore this layer of human feelings.
The easiest way to hide your anger is if your lover or friends do exactly the same thing. A couple who are afraid to show their anger openly, as if enters into a silent agreement: both spouses do not give each other permission to be angry. As a result, both suppress their feelings, and such love is usually devoid of passion and openness.
If your partner is just as afraid of anger as you are, discuss the issue with them. Try to explain to him why you behave in this way, what you are afraid of.
What happens when you don't tell the truth
In an atmosphere of dishonesty, love dies. It is impossible to suppress unpleasant emotions - anger, resentment, fear, without muffling positive feelings at the same time. If in a love relationship you do not tell your partner the whole truth, passion dies. After all, passion is the fruit of intense feelings. By suppressing the truth, you muffle your ability to feel, and when a person stops feeling, he stops loving.
You yourself know perfectly well when you are not telling the whole truth. At the same time, the state is violated in you inner world, you feel out of place, your self-esteem suffers. You seem to be out of sync with your personality. There is only one way to regain spiritual integrity - learn to tell your partner the whole truth and, of course, tell the whole truth to yourself. You have no idea how much your relationships with others will improve.
Any relationship in the world arises from the communication of the male and female principles. They deepen in marriage, go through different stages and periods of crisis.One of the postulates family psychology it sounds like this - the weather in the house depends on both partners, on the depth of their communication, awareness of their duties and their fulfillment. If spouses value each other and strive to save the family, they will have to overcome the stages of cooling relations and direct opposition of interests. However, as a reward, they are waiting for true love, friendship, deep understanding and respect for each other.
Stages of development and levels of family relations between husband and wife
The stages of development of family relations can be called:
Relations in the family between husband and wife have their own levels:
| Level name | Peculiarities |
| Falling in love, relationship chemistry, sweets and bouquets | Strong attraction to each other. Ignoring the character flaws of the partner. Desire to conquer, conquer. Only attributes and appearance are taken into account. |
| Lapping and nitpicking, addiction | Notice the partner's shortcomings. Defending your interests life values, priorities. Conflicts and quarrels, confrontations between husband and wife. The first doubts about the correctness of the choice, thoughts about divorce. Often broken relationships. |
| Compromise, stability of family relationships | The realization that it is impossible to live in the mode of the previous stage leads the spouses to develop the skills to negotiate, to find a way to solve problems that is convenient for everyone. The model of behavior in the family is changing - spouses choose equality, matriarchy or patriarchy. |
| Boredom, routine, routine | Predictability of partner's words and actions. Fatigue, lack of a surge of emotions and joy from communicating with each other. Loss of the meaning of family relationships. Thoughts about adventures on the side and, often, their implementation. |
| Maturity | In relationships there is awareness, gratitude for the joint experience of overcoming difficulties, respect, common interests. The development of fear of loneliness makes spouses hold on to each other. |
Crises in family relationships
Crises in family relationships, if left without them constructive solution, inevitably lead to the degradation of both partners in every sense and even to the death of one of them (more in the article:). People lose their human face, sink to antisocial behavior, rudeness and assault.
Table of crises in family relationships and their characteristics:
| Crises, no. | Dominant character traits | Characteristic | |
| Husband | Wives | ||
| 1 | Irritation | Manifested at the stage of disgust. The husband relaxes, his life is monotonous, there is no global goal. A woman feels this and rolls up scandals. It does not accept monotony, it requires development and satisfaction of new desires. | |
| 2 | Aggression | stealth | The absence of aspirations in a man causes the closure of the heart in a woman. She ceases to open her thoughts to him, to speak openly about her desires. At the same time, in her head, she gradually replaces her husband with the image perfect man. The husband feels it and rages. His aggression pours out in everything, in any trifles. The wife is frightened, avoids such situations, her secrecy increases. |
| 3 | Greed | deceitfulness | The husband perceives his wife’s betrayal, even at the level of thoughts, in such a way that he stops caring about her, shows greed. She tries to come up with loopholes to maintain the previous standard of living of the family, descends to lies. |
| 4 | Cruelty | envy | A man degrades to the use of obscenities against his wife and children. In some cases, he begins to raise his hand to them. Such behavior finally disappoints a woman in the opportunity to become happy, she becomes a gossip. She is interested in the lives of other people, especially those who are happily married. She does not hesitate to discuss and humiliate her husband in conversations with strangers. |
| 5 | pickiness | Rough speech | The crisis is dangerous because the disintegration of spouses as individuals begins. The wife becomes rough with her heart, emotions, her speech. Swear words and insults are increasingly heard from her lips. The husband answers her the same, he finds fault with everything that she does, how she looks. It is unbearable for a normal psyche to hear. Quarrels in raised tones become permanent. |
| 6 | Jonah | fears | A crisis from which the couple can not get out. She loses everything - property, friends, work, contact with relatives. A man has problems with alcohol, health. He feels like a complete failure in life. The wife experiences animal fear at the thought of being left alone. She tolerates inappropriate behavior and harsh words from her husband just to stay together. |
Family psychology gives a different classification of crises depending on the number of years lived:
- 3 years, when the family is replenished with a child. The couple are moving to new stage development, become parents, learn to interact with each other in these roles.
- 7 years - coincides with the stage of satiety. Character and habits are studied, a person becomes predictable in his actions. There is a high probability of cheating to get new sensations.
- Marriage midlife crisis. They are driven by fears that some goals have remained unattainable. There is a desire to break family ties and start a new page in your life.
- Children leaving home. The couple realizes that they have done everything important in life, it's time to live in peace for themselves. Spouses can move to the suburbs, go on a trip together.
Rules for a happy marriage
In the psychology of family life, there are postulates that underlie relationships happy men and women in marriage. How many couples, so many secrets of happiness in their families. However, there are general rules, without which the rest lose their relevance and force:
Conflicts in the family and ways to resolve them
As follows from the stages of development of relationships and crises in families, conflict situations inevitable. Spouses will quarrel, argue, discuss in a raised tone, possibly scandal. The reasons for conflicts are:
- different views on a problem or question;
- mastering new roles, for example, after the birth of a child;
- everyday problems;
- difficulties in the professional sphere, for example, the low salary of the husband, the difference in the level of remuneration of men and women in favor of the second;
- intolerance to the shortcomings of the partner.
However, the devastating consequences of such situations can be avoided if you can resolve conflicts in a timely manner. Ways can be:
- ask for forgiveness, apologize first, regardless of who was the initiator;
- a joint trip to a family psychologist;
- dialogue in calm tones, turning into conciliatory sex.
