Smile, gentlemen!
Sympathy signals are recognized quite easily, because a person “opens up” to you, he wants to please and tries to appear before you in all his glory.
Naturally, the very first expression of enthusiasm and goodwill towards you is a smile. Moreover, if the smile is symmetrical and both corners of the lips are in the same parallel line, this means that the person is really smiling sincerely.
At the same time, if one of the corners of the lips “goes” down, it is worth considering that the interlocutor may well be disingenuous. And if the object of your sympathy shows his teeth in a smile - that's all - he shows complete trust and calmness, being in your company. Laughter is also a sign of openness. After all, we do not hesitate to openly laugh in a well-known company, whose members treat us kindly.
But if the smile looks more like an animal grin, revealing all the teeth of the upper and lower jaws to the public, be careful. Especially with a rounded look - such facial expressions speak of aggression and negativity.
A complex approach
It is important that when you turn on the “body language analyzer” button in your head, you must remember that when “reading” a person, you must be guided by a complex of movements, gestures, postures and gaze. When one gesture is emphasized by another. When behavior and gestures are harmonious in context specific situation. After all, a single movement can speak of different characteristics behavior readable person. At the same time, if the words of the interlocutor contradict his gestures, you need to trust the gestures!
How girls act
Usually a woman, communicating with a man she likes, lowers her voice to a sexual hoarseness. She speaks more slowly than usual, in a singsong voice. And a girl who is embarrassed by her feelings and emotions is likely to chirp and chatter, often straying, laughing unnaturally and loudly.The first thing you should pay attention to is the look. Before starting a conversation, she “shoots” with her eyes. He will hold his gaze on you, and then, as if nothing had happened, switch to something else. If such a "trick" is repeated, then you can safely go into battle. Especially if she smiles sweetly at the same time.
Is the girl fixing her clothes or her hair while talking to you? This is a clear sign that she wants to please.
fun fact: on occasion, the girl asks for her handbag or moves it closer to you - such actions indicate that she is ready to trust you.
Women have softer "tricks" than men. She, of course, will demonstrate the beauty of her legs by throwing one over the other. Demonstrate the delicate skin of the wrist, “shoot” with eyes, fix her hair. Moreover, throwing hair off the face with a sharp movement of the head back is a clear sign of sympathy. So she shows herself lioness r-r-r-r-r. By the way, at the same time, it doesn’t matter if the girl’s hair is short or long. And, of course, the look. Languid with a veil, a little sideways, because of fluffy eyelashes. And eye to eye contact alone speaks volumes.
What about guys?
The voice of a man will be soft, velvety, a little poetic. At the same time, he will involuntarily preen himself, straightening his tie, or smoothing his hair. To fix your eyes on certain parts of your body for longer than decency allows. You can also identify unconditional sympathy if a man came too close to you and, as it were, fenced you off from the outside world. This behavior is indicative of possessiveness. He will repeat your gestures, whether it be head nodding or torso position. When demonstrating himself, the man will begin to raise his chin, tilting his head back a little.
Observe, provided that the guy changes his manner of speaking, facial expressions when you appear - you are definitely in the area of \u200b\u200bhis interest. He will always try to come to the rescue, support, especially if it is his personal initiative, and not a reaction to your request.
Attention
If a person brings a third party into your conversation, it may mean that he has no interest in you. Thus, he is trying to build an invisible wall between you, so as not to meet eyes. The interlocutor openly yawns, constantly looks away from you with an indifferent look, switches to different objects - you are not interesting. Find yourself another conversation partner."Reading" such signs is not at all difficult. After all, when someone likes us or makes a choice ourselves, our sensual heart comes to the rescue. Do not be afraid to take the first step, who knows, maybe now your destiny is in front of you.
At a time when a woman and a man awakens sympathy for each other, and their relationship enters into a series of romantic dates and meetings, the degree of passion for each other begins to quickly gain momentum. At this stage, feelings literally overflow, thoughts soar in “pink” clouds, people see life without each other as impossible, and they are in a state called “falling in love”.
The first stage of development of relations
This stage lasts an average of 3-6 months, sometimes a little less or longer. This is the easiest time to get married. Man and woman languish mutual love and for the "reunion" with the second half, they are ready to go to all real and unrealistic deeds and feats. At this point, it is necessary to follow the saying "strike while the iron is hot."
Almost all young people who later entered into a marriage union were firmly established in the decision to create an official unit of society already at the dawn of the development of their relationship. And this is quite understandable and understandable. After all, the choice of a future spouse is similar to the choice of an evening dress - you can see whether it suits you right away or not. You do not need to fiddle with a ruler in front of your dressing table all evening, nervously determining whether the outfit sits well on you or dangles, as if on a hanger. Everything becomes clear to you when you just try it on.
In my life, I have met couples who dated for about ten years, then entered into a formal relationship, and divorced six months later. It does not take a very long time to fully get to know a person and enter into a marriage alliance with him. And certainly, one should not stretch the stage of “preliminary” acquaintance for several years! For example, my husband and I got married after five months of our acquaintance, and now we are coming to the end of the twelfth year of our happy marriage.
Second level
If you didn’t get married during the first period of meeting a man, your romantic relationship will certainly move into the second stage of its development. This stage is characterized by great calmness regarding the feelings between partners and the stability of their relationship. As a rule, on average, the stage of "stable equilibrium" lasts from six months to one and a half years, but I remember cases when it lasted 2 years and even longer.
The second level of development of your acquaintance is a good moment for concluding an official family union. The stage of passionate mutual love is in the past, but your relationship with a man is gaining momentum and deepening. A marriage created in this also has every chance of success.
Level three
If you do not marry the second level of acquaintance, then your relationship will sooner or later move into the third part of its evolution and begin to slowly fade away.
On the initial stage it's not noticeable. At times, reflections of mutual passion may still flare up between you, but such moments will become more and more rare. Differences in the contradictory traits of your characters will become more noticeable, internal tension and dissatisfaction with each other will begin to gain growth, which will eventually lead to the predominance of feelings of fatigue and disappointment in your relationship, replacing everything romantic that in the first period of acquaintance served to grow your affection. As a rule, in this situation, the relationship in a couple begins to gradually fade, losing viability.
At this level of acquaintance, the conclusion of a family union will not lead to anything good. Since the partners at this stage decide to marry, either in order to stop the salvation of the destruction of their relationship, or because of a sense of obligation to each other.
The optimal time for marriage is the period when the future spouses experience mutual feelings of pleasure from this prospect, when none of the partners compromises for the sake of resolving the baggage of problems and the couple, with painful longing in their eyes, does not wander down the aisle, tired of the burden of mutual internal obligations. A woman and a man who have done everything on time will have a greater desire to jointly solve emerging difficulties, which only contributes to the growth of their mutual affection and the strengthening of relations.
Sympathy is the basis of the desire to communicate and admire other people. The meaning of the word "sympathy" is due to the fact that it comes from the Greek συμπάθεια, which translates as "attraction" or "internal disposition." In fact, sympathy for a person means his attractiveness for us. Mutual sympathy is the basis of successful and pleasant communication.
One of the conditions that allows sympathy to arise is the common space of two people. Thanks to the common space, people can contact and discover in each other what brings them together.
Theoretical aspect
Ilyin divides the causes of occurrence into conscious and unconscious. Among the perceived reasons, there is a similarity ( general ideas values, attitudes, interests). Unconscious reasons include the status of a person, his manners, character traits, appearance.
Sympathy was considered by the Stoics, implying a commonality of objects, here there is a connection with sympathy, which is rather close to. The meanings of the words "sympathy" and "empathy" have been confused for many centuries.
Spontaneously, sympathy often arises as a result of a person's association with nice and affable people from our past. Antipathy awakens towards people who look like enemies from our past.
Likes and dislikes are very relative, they depend on characteristic features people interacting, from the context, from the specifics of communication and the situation in which it arose, as well as time. An experiment conducted in 1985 clearly illustrates this feature of our attitude towards other people.
The relativity of sympathy is easy to observe in the Gtiffitt experiment, when students perceived people more positively when they were in best conditions (cozy room compared to a stuffy and hot room). Those people who appear in an attractive environment (exquisite furniture and soft light compared to dirty and shabby rooms) are also positively perceived.
That is, in this case, a positive attitude towards the situation was transferred to the attitude towards a person, that is, people receive a certain assessment already in our perception. The manifestation of negativity on the part of the experimenter led to the fact that students gave questionnaires to a person who did not look like him.
Practical aspect
So, the conditions under which people communicate affects how they perceive each other. People feel sympathy, being in a pleasant, cozy, refined environment.
In addition, charm is of great importance. It is easy to feel attracted to people who are sincere, open, alive, full of energy. This is a kind of charm, and its key components are: presence, strength and warmth (Kabane). Everyone can become a person, the main thing is to work on the non-verbal information that the individual sends to the world.
Everyone likes a charismatic person, he evokes admiration and the impression from others (not with words, but with his behavior) that he has many opportunities, strengths and he likes the people around him. Next to him it becomes good, so they strive for his company.
Here are some tips that will quickly lead to an increase in charisma: lowering intonation at the end of a sentence, slight nods, two-second pauses between messages. The more fundamental factors are:
- Presence. It is necessary to be completely with the person, any distraction is very noticeable. Focusing on communication greatly increases our attractiveness to others.
- Strength and warmth. A friendly, caring and strong, powerful person is dizzy, you want to attract and keep such a person, because he is extremely useful, and his attention flatters his interlocutors.
The most important thing is sincerity. Attempts to portray something usually run into rejection from other people, because they solve our game. Harmony lies in the correspondence of the internal and external, therefore, first you need to put the internal in order.
signs
The sympathy of a man for a woman must be supported so that it develops into something more. In response, you need to show your own sympathy, no matter whether it manifests itself in approving glances or in a smile, the main thing is that it should not be aggressive.
How to distinguish love from sympathy? The sympathy of a man from love can be separated by the confidence and frequency of steps that a man takes towards a woman, by his care, desire to help, care, by the desire to continue communication. The strong sympathy of a man for a woman is different in that he tries to prove his worth, demonstrates his capabilities.
A sympathizing man responds to every action of a woman with his own and initiates contacts himself, you rarely need to wait for something from him for a long time. If a woman openly showed sympathy, and a man is uninitiated and only occasionally responds to her signs of attention, most likely, he is led by politeness.
You can recognize female signs of sympathy by her concern for the comfort of a person, interest in him, and initiative. So if a woman feels sympathy for a man or a man for a woman, the main indicators of this are interest, initiation of light tactile contact, provocation (mimicry) and high spirits. Author: Ekaterina Volkova
Can't figure out what feelings a man has for you? Throw away unnecessary guesses and carefully look at his behavior. If a man is really interested, you will certainly see it. It is enough to know the main signs of sympathy on the part of a man.
It is generally accepted that it is men who are the initiators of romantic relationships. However, according to the behavior of some representatives of the stronger sex, it can be difficult to understand whether he sympathizes with you, or whether he shows signs of attention out of politeness. Due to their natural low emotionality, sometimes men cannot openly express their feelings, preferring to let the situation take its course. But, fortunately, there are signals that literally "scream" about his interest. We are talking about gestures, words and deeds that are manifested in the behavior of guys in love.
Signs of sympathy from a man
Here are 7 signs of sympathy that say a man is interested in a woman.
Sign #1 - Gestures of sympathy
Facial expressions and gestures are the non-verbal "language" of our body, which is almost impossible to control. Being in the company of a woman who arouses sympathy in a man, his body literally “rushes” towards her. This is expressed in copying your gestures, open eye contact, a smile, gentle touches, etc. If a man wants to please the object of his passion, he unconsciously uses "preening gestures", namely, straightening his collar or tie, smoothing his hair, etc. In addition, the guy's sympathy is expressed in a piercing and attentive look. It has been proven that if a man is in love, then when talking, most of the time he looks into the eyes and on the face of his interlocutor.
Sign #2 - He initiates communication
In every man in love, the instinct of a hunter wakes up. In modern representatives of the stronger sex, this instinct is expressed in the fact that they unobtrusively "seep" into the life of their beloved, becoming an integral part of it. A man who is truly interested in a woman will do his best to spend time with her more often. If the relationship has not yet entered the category of friendly-romantic, he will initiate communication even on the most insignificant occasions. If you are already in the candy-bouquet period, a man in love will try to spend as much time with you as possible, even to the detriment of his personal affairs, relaxation and meetings with friends.
Sign #3 - He's joking with you
"If you want to make a woman fall in love with you, make her laugh." That's what it says folk wisdom, which is perfectly manifested in the behavior of interested representatives of the stronger sex. A man in love will not “burden” you with his problems and mental trauma, because subconsciously he understands that you can only evoke sympathy in return with the help of positive emotions. That is why, at the beginning of a relationship, many guys play the role of “merry fellows” and “starter”, who sprinkle jokes and funny stories from their childhood.
Sign #4 - He is caring and considerate
falling in love - the best remedy to develop caring and attentiveness in men. When a man is genuinely interested in a woman, he puts her interests and needs ahead of his own. That is why he always makes appointments where it is convenient for you, remembers your plans, tries to please your tastes and interests. When the interest is deep, the guy is not only interested in your affairs and well-being, but also tries to make your life better. He meets you from work, invites you to cozy cafeterias, helps with the housework, and also does many other pleasant little things.
Those we truly love become the most important people in our lives. This means that their opinion is very important to us. You can understand that a man’s sympathy develops into sincere interest by a very simple sign - he begins to consult with you and be interested in your opinion on a particular issue. It can be anything from work problems to buying a new suit. By consulting with you, a man wants to involve you in his life so that you become even closer.
Sign #6 - He pleases you with gifts and surprises
By making gifts, a man not only increases his importance in your eyes, but also tries to give you pleasant emotions. On the male language love gifts and surprises without a reason are the highest degree of care and attention. With the help of your favorite sweets, cute bouquets and funny souvenirs, a man expresses his sympathy and interest. If you received an unexpected gift from a man, you can be sure that he really likes you. And here it is not the gift itself that is important, but the fact that the man spent time and effort choosing it.
Sign #7 - He introduces you to his friends and family
If a man invites you to vacation with his friends or relatives, it means that he already sees you as his girlfriend. For the most part, the representatives of the stronger sex are very dependent on the opinions of others, so they will not introduce into their “own” circle those with whom they do not intend to build a serious relationship. In addition, getting to know your loved ones can mean a desire to “boast” about you. In any case, this signal only says that you are really very interested in him.
Even though we are all different and endowed different characters and demeanor, falling in love makes people similar to each other. If a man is really interested in you, certain signs of sympathy will definitely appear in his behavior.
Appearance is not the only factor on which our attitude towards people depends. When we get to know a person, then, in addition to appearance, we immediately note his other properties that enhance or, conversely, reduce the impression that his appearance made on us. We note the mindset, tastes, habits, sense of humor of a new acquaintance. There are certain preconceived notions about what should be positive person. So, many of us are convinced that a girl should be beautiful, and a man should be smart. If you look at it, the requirement is quite cruel: it is clear that not all girls are beautiful, just as not all men are very smart (after all, when we say “smart”, we mean that he is smarter than others, smarter than most, singled out from the majority). It turns out that we are ready to recognize as worthy of attention only some privileged part of fellow citizens, defining all the rest an order of magnitude lower. In everyday life, of course, we don’t think about it, we don’t analyze this stereotype so deeply, like all other stereotypes, as if we don’t take it seriously. But it lingers in consciousness, takes root, and getting rid of it, moving away from it, it turns out, is not always easy.
The next circumstance on which the emergence of sympathy depends is the dissimilarity or similarity of partners. It is often said that these people got along because they are similar to each other. It is no less often said that people got together just because they are very different. Depending on the situation, either one or the other is significant.
In addition, in order for people to like each other, the nature of the interaction is important. Communication is an interaction, and how it develops, sympathy may or may not arise. The famous book by Dale Carnegie, which opened the mechanism of psychological patterns to the general reader in America and Europe, is built on one of the principles of interaction. “Do good to a person,” the author repeats in different variations, and the concept of the book boils down to this, “and you will be pleasant to a person.” Under certain conditions, with a certain type of relationship, a person becomes, regardless of his qualities, more sympathetic to us.
And of course, we all know how much the situation means in the development of relations. Everyone understands that it is very difficult to make an acquaintance or arouse sympathy from someone in a crowded trolleybus. Even the most benevolent people will breathe a sigh of relief when they get off at the bus stop. Indeed, some experience suggests that there are situations in which it is easier to please each other.
Finally, we may like a person not only because he is smart and attractive, or because we did some work together, but also because at that moment we are ready to feel sympathy, to love people. It's not about the person, not the situation - it's about our own properties and our condition.
The idea of the reasons for the emergence of sympathy can be useful to us in everyday life, to warn against some behavioral errors. Such information will be especially instructive for the young reader, for our children - those who are especially acutely experiencing a new acquaintance, relationships with comrades.
So, what properties of the object, besides beauty, do we care about?
We like the mind, erudition, high position in society, energy, optimism. Meanwhile, even such seemingly obvious merits are not equally appreciated by us.
Here is what one experiment showed.
In four rooms, groups of men and women were shown the same video. The man was answering the questions of the quiz show. The texts accompanying the video were different. In one case, a person seemed to us extremely lucky: he studied brilliantly at school and at the institute, occupied a good position in society, he had an excellent family, he was passionate about work. Answered the questions of the quiz also brilliantly. In another case, he was presented as a completely ordinary person: he studied so-so, and the salary was low, and he answered questions with errors.
The final video also had two options: in one case, the quiz ended without any incident, in the other, when taking the offered cup of coffee, business people accidentally poured it on their trousers. Both the loser and the “darling of fate” poured out, and he behaved not like a superman - he was very upset, complained that the suit was expensive and probably disappeared.
Now let's offer the reader a small test - put this book aside and answer which of the four characters in the video aroused the greatest sympathy - the loser or the "superman" who did not spill coffee, or one of the two who spilled it.
It turned out that more than others aroused sympathy ... "superman", who found himself in an awkward situation and upset by coffee spilled on his trousers.
Why not the one who held on with dignity to the end and avoided such an oversight? "Superman", who withstood his role to the end, was much less liked. Because he was too perfect. Because his virtues, so obvious and pleasant, all together alienated his image from the audience, made it inaccessible. And that is why the people sitting in the hall unconsciously began to look for some shortcomings in him, unpleasant features, he seemed not so pretty. Only because he surpassed the audience in all respects!
So it is in life: we involuntarily compare ourselves with an interlocutor, a new acquaintance, we involuntarily evaluate our own and his qualities. Ideal communication for us is an approximate equality of advantages and disadvantages. If we are clearly superior to the partner in intelligence, erudition, social status, breadth of interests, and so on, or if the partner is far behind in most parameters, it will not be very interesting to communicate with him.
Communication will continue only if the partner surpasses us in some other parameters (say, the national champion in Japanese wrestling).
But on the other hand, if we feel that the partner is much superior to us in everything, we also will not strive for such a person. However, our consciousness, protecting our interests better than any army, will not explain this as our imperfection. Subconsciously, we will begin to look for unpleasant features in the "superman" and, without suspecting it ourselves, we can even come up with non-existent flaws. Because it's better in some way. Probably, the stereotype “very beautiful means evil, bad” was affirmed with the help of just such a mechanism. And the unwillingness to communicate with the "superman" we will explain not by the inequality of our merits, but by the fact that this, of course, an unpleasant person has nothing in common with us, naturally, positive in all respects.
Many young people are unaware of such a seemingly illogical feature of human perception and, for example, getting to know girls, getting into an unfamiliar company, from the very first minutes they make a serious mistake: they exaggerate their merits, attribute to themselves sometimes non-existent achievements - and here it is. a certain image of a knight without fear and reproach, a tennis player who defended his dissertation at the age of twenty-five, and reads fluently in three languages, and is sent abroad on business trips, and manages to play jazz. It seems that such an image is the best way to contribute to the successful development of relations. But it happens otherwise. Having met such a wonderful person, a girl can brag about him to her friend, she can visit him or go to a cafe a couple of times - for the same purpose. But it is unlikely that she will decide to continue the acquaintance - the same “protective mechanism” is triggered. For a serious acquaintance, the girl will prefer outwardly quite an ordinary person.
Because the girls, like the spectators who participated in the experiment, like all of us, like only those who are somewhat similar to us, the most ordinary people. Who have little human weaknesses. The super-positive person on the screen allowed himself a weakness - he was just as excited about spilled coffee on the suit as the most ordinary person. He, for all his invulnerability, showed a natural human trait, and he gained the sympathy of the audience. After all, none of us is able to love our neighbor only for virtues - we love both for weaknesses and for shortcomings.
In general, the image of Superman, a man of exceptional virtues, is one of those masks that many of us often try on in the hope of success. And that's what gets in the way of success. This state of affairs is well illustrated by the collision of the film "Office Romance". Both heroes discovered each other, began to live a real, full life only after they threw off the masks familiar to those around them - the "reinforced concrete" boss and the eternally guilty klutzy subordinate.
What qualities still contribute to the emergence of sympathy? There are no such qualities. The fact is that, depending on the situation, the same property of a person can be evaluated both positively and negatively, there are no absolutely “bad” and “good” properties. After all, if you figure out what it means, for example, "totality"? The generosity of a stupid person. And generosity is definitely a positive quality. What is cunning? The mind of a bad person. We can condemn the stingy person. But this is also relative - in a different situation, we will no longer talk about stinginess, but about thrift, that is, about something without which in family life, for example, is difficult.
We can also condemn the same person for unscrupulousness, encourage for kindness and resent insensitivity towards loved ones.
And there is nothing strange here - because one cannot be kind at all, just like courageous and generous, one can only be in a certain situation, in relation to specific people. Not always even seemingly obvious advantages bring good luck.
Remember the famous epigram "and you are beautiful inopportunely, and you are smart inappropriately."
To achieve good luck, however, it would be good to remember some patterns related not so much to personality traits as to behavior. For example, one of the main recommendations of the already mentioned Carnegie - "smile" - as a rule, justifies itself. It is always more pleasant to deal with a friendly person than with a gloomy, gloomy person. It is more pleasant for us to talk with a person who looks into the eyes, and does not study the landscape outside the window, while we prove something to him. It is more pleasant with those who trust us. However, there must also be a measure of trust: a person who passionately tells a casual acquaintance the most intimate details of his biography will most likely not inspire sympathy.
Meanwhile, there is one feature that almost always causes sympathy for a person. This is luck. One very common stereotype is that good man- lucky. And we are drawn to the one who is lucky.
A group of subjects took part in an intellectual game. The contribution of all participants was the same, but from time to time the experimenter rewarded one of them for success in the game. Of course, everyone understood that in fact everyone had exactly the same success, but after a while, when asked whose contribution was greater, many answered that it was the one who was awarded who showed himself the best.
Most modern people do not believe in fate, in the secret forces of nature and the like. But quite often a fully educated modern person gets the impression that luck (both in big and small) seems to be predetermined by some kind of regularity. For example, we tend to think that if someone tosses a coin ten times in a row, and it falls ten times in a row on the same side, this is no coincidence.
Vladimir Makanin has such a story - "Klyucharev and Alimushkin", it is about how one person suddenly became unspeakably lucky, while another was not lucky in all respects. The more one rose, the more miserable was the other. The story is full of the author's irony, but there are reasons for it - our ideas, not fundamental, basic, of course, but everyday, daily, are somewhat close to the feelings of the characters. We do not want to put up with the fact that luck, luck visit a person just like that, for no reason.
We don't want to, if only because we tend to think that the world is inherently, immanently fair. Without any of our efforts, good, in principle, must defeat evil, as in a children's fairy tale. We want to believe that this is how it will be in our life. This naive belief is based on prejudices, and perhaps some kind of protective mechanism is triggered, because when it comes to the fate of countries and peoples, we think quite scientifically, realistically. But our everyday experiences are often based not on scientific data, but on those little things that we hear from childhood from loved ones, about which we guess, in which we begin to believe without thinking too much.
Yevgeny Yevtushenko has one early poem, in which the conversation is about an icicle hanging from the roof. And the author, who stands up for a just order of the world, calls on an icicle to fall on the head of a bad person.
Unfortunately, in life we are often convinced that she really will fall on her head. bad person. And if so, let the loser cry.
To illustrate, let's cite one foreign experiment showing what such a seemingly harmless belief in a fair arrangement of things can lead to.
A group of students from an American driving school was shown a video recording: a traffic accident, a pedestrian was hit, the driver is to blame. In one version of the recording, the pedestrian was almost not injured, in another, he was seriously injured. It was proposed to determine the degree of guilt of both. The result was staggering: if the pedestrian was slightly injured or even bruised, the driver's fault seemed unconditional to the subjects. If the condition of the pedestrian, as reported, was severe or he died, some of the subjects were inclined to lay a share of the blame on the innocent victim.
How so? The fact is that, believing in an initially just world that surrounds us, we, as it were, entrusted the care of ourselves to the forces of nature. It is they who must ensure that we do not accidentally get hit by a car. So that they don’t get into an accidental traffic accident, they don’t experience undeserved misfortune. We do not want to believe that we can innocently, like this pedestrian, fall under the wheels.
That is why some subjects blamed the pedestrian: any misfortune, according to their unconscious belief, must be a retribution for some kind of misconduct. Otherwise, it turns out that everyone can become a victim of circumstances at any moment. The unexpected cruelty was dictated by a deeply hidden sense of self-preservation, which found support in prejudice.
In another foreign experiment, the subjects were also shown a video recording: a person on the screen solved the tasks offered to him. If the answer was incorrect, the person received a mild blow. electric shock. Each of us, reading these lines, will rightly be indignant: how can one punish a mistake in this way! But the participants in the experiment behaved ambiguously. Many, watching what is happening on the screen (of course, they did not demonstrate a real experiment), when asked what kind of person receiving an electric shock, they answered that he was endowed with many unpleasant features. The more he suffered from pain (the actor on the screen in the course of the action showed that he was hurting more and more), the less sympathy he aroused.
If it was reported that an experiment taking place in next room, the vast majority of viewers demanded an end to the inhuman ordeal.
What does all of this mean? How can this unexpected behavior be explained?
We are all, as a rule, ready to help a person in the event that something depends on us. We are humane when we have responsibility for what is happening around us. We are responsible for the fate of the person on the screen, when it is in our power to interrupt the experiment, and we will not let him suffer.
But if its fate does not depend on us, and we are unable to change anything? It turns out that some people in this situation may not feel sympathy for someone else's suffering. And not only not to feel sympathy - they can even look for some justification for his deplorable situation. That is why someone on the screen seemed unpleasant to someone. And although the experiment was conducted abroad and from an ethical point of view, not everything in it can suit us, its conclusions are directly related to us.
And the main conclusion is that our behavior very much depends on how developed our sense of responsibility is. Responsibility is the key to moral education, something you should never forget. First of all, those who work with young people. Isn't the cruelty of teenagers often rooted in the lack of responsibility for what is happening around? And not just teenagers. Let's analyze our own actions. It is unlikely that anyone will leave without the help of a friend or relative, or a neighbor in a train compartment, if he suddenly became ill. We kind of answer for it. But then a man fell on the street - and passers-by go by. There are no responsible.
If we try to analyze our attitude to this or that situation, to the hero of the movie, we will also notice that often involuntarily, without noticing it ourselves, we justify a large number of injustice and cruelty. And we sympathize not so much with the victim for a just cause, but with the winner, the lucky one. After all, winners are not judged... What a dangerous stereotype fraught with the most unexpected consequences!
We must tirelessly explain to our children that the lucky one is not always the good one. That the only quality that guarantees success in communication is naturalness. (This has been proven by numerous experiments.) A young man invents himself because he is not sure of own forces, in his own merits, in that he can please the way he is.
We foresee the objection: many will remember that it was natural behavior, when they were themselves, that did not succeed. But here the matter is different. Remember a physical education lesson at school or a class in the section - you are preparing to jump high, and the coach looks at your preparations with skepticism. You scatter, and the coach mutters under his breath that you’ve taken up this matter in vain, you’d better play chess, - so the run is not the same, and the size of the foot is not suitable ... Most likely, in such conditions you will bring down the bar, even if it costs well below your limit.
So, in communication, the main thing is to convince your inner opponent. Or - if he does not want to listen to your arguments - try to "turn down the volume" of his voice. Try to treat yourself with sympathy - and you will see that your feelings will begin to be shared by others.
We must always remember that in most cases it is possible to win the sympathy of a particular person. But it is impossible, of course, to please everyone. Not only because everyone is different. Focusing on the sympathy of the majority of others can lead to certain difficulties. How many examples we know today of how a person who made a discovery, put forward a bold hypothesis, quite recently found himself in isolation, the majority did not agree with him. Moreover, the majority did not sympathize with him: we all know that in other times "every decent person with all his heart wished to see a "heretic" at the stake." If Galileo and Copernicus aspired to be pleasing to everyone around us, we would probably still think that it is not the Earth that moves, but the Sun.
In addition, striving to please everyone, a person is unlikely to be happy.
