Recognize a lover without words: how to understand a man's sympathy by non-verbal signals? Sympathy

How to understand that a man likes you? These questions are asked by women at any age. In fact, it is enough just to closely observe the behavior of the stronger sex to understand whether they have sympathy for you or not.

General signs of sympathy

Sympathy often grows out of friendship. Men who are passionate about a girl try to learn as much as possible about her and become faithful and reliable friends with her.
Constant random meetings are a sign of obvious attention. For example, a male colleague who feels sympathy for a lady may come across a girl not only at work, but also on the street, in a cafe or with mutual friends. When such meetings more than three for a short time period, you can talk about feelings.
If a young man sees in a girl those character traits and spiritual qualities that are invisible to others, then the rest of the advice is superfluous, because sympathy is obvious.
When stronger sex a woman is not indifferent, common interests are always needed to establish contact. If a man suddenly fell in love with books and films that are similar in taste to ladies, this speaks of hope for a relationship;
Signs of attention may not always be public and romantic. Some men, on the contrary, turn on the mode of aggression and ignoring, avoiding the girl they like.

Appearance

Sometimes just one look at the appearance of a guy is enough to determine that he has a strong sympathy for the girl with whom he communicates.

When meeting with a lady of the heart, a man will always be well-groomed and perfectly dressed. He will constantly smooth and correct something to look even more beautiful.
When a face turns pale or reddens sharply when a woman appears, we can talk about the indifferent attitude towards her on the part of a man.
If a girl praised some item of clothing or a guy's perfume, he will definitely use these things more often, especially when meeting with his beloved.
A man's style and appearance can change after meeting a girl he likes. Romantic feelings push for something new.

Gestures and postures (nlp)

Non-verbal sources of information, according to psychologists, can tell much more truth than words. Watch how a man meets you or escorts you home.

If a guy constantly adjusts his clothes, then he definitely wants to look prettier in the eyes of his companion.
When sympathy is really sincere, then you want to touch a person. Therefore, multiple touches of the girl’s hand or hair speak of real interest.
The facial expressions of a young man in love often repeat the habits of the object of sympathy. Men unconsciously adopt the gestures and movements of those women who are not indifferent to them.
To show self-confidence and strength, men can often put their hands on their belts.
The object of sympathy always causes embarrassment and timidity, so the stronger sex in a conversation with women often scratches the back of the head.
To appear more solid and taller next to a beautiful lady, men straighten and slightly raise their shoulders, and also pull in their stomachs.
If a guy looks at a girl with his mouth open, he is definitely delighted with her appearance.
To their sympathy, men try to position themselves as openly as possible, so their chest, shoulders, toes will always unconsciously turn towards an interesting woman.
The palms of the hands, like the whole body, expresses sympathy for the indifferent lady. Therefore, as a rule, even if the hands are on the knees, the palms are always open.
In romantic excitement, men feel insecure, and are constantly looking for support. A sign of this condition is a leg put forward when meeting a girl.
In addition, men always want to subconsciously be closer to the object of their sympathy. Therefore, they will reduce the distance between themselves and the lady of the heart during the conversation.
Not knowing how to behave and what to say leads to constant unconscious button twirling.
To appear more attractive, men often smooth their hair and casually rub their chin or cheeks.
A sign of sympathy for the interlocutor in the dialogue is slightly raised eyebrows.

Looks (eye play)

Since the eyes are the mirror of the soul, sometimes it is enough to take a closer look at the direction of your acquaintance's gaze.

A brave young man will always give you interested looks for a long time.
A stranger can also like you. Usually, guys cast meek, timid glances at pretty strangers, and immediately avert their eyes when their eyes meet.
Dilated pupils when looking at a girl are a sure sign of sincere sympathy from a guy.
If a man's gaze is focused on the area of \u200b\u200bthe female forehead or bridge of the nose, then most likely we are talking just about business relationships.
But the wandering gaze, sliding from the eyes to the lips and back, speaks of an offer of friendship.
When a man looks askance, his eyes are filled with tenderness, and he smiles, we can talk about great sympathy.
Even in the company of friends or in the crowd, the guy will not lose sight of the girl he likes.

deeds

The behavior of a man in love always changes, regardless of his age. He pays a woman maximum of his attention and will always be there in difficult times.

If you listen to a dialogue between two people, you can always determine by the intonation and content of the conversation who likes whom more.

A man will never allow rudeness and disrespect on his part to a girl who is attractive to him.
Guys try to avoid controversial situations and demonstrate compliance in a conversation with their sympathy.
There will always be jokes in the conversation to maintain a positive and good mood.
Compliments constantly sound from the lips of a guy in the direction of his sympathy.
When the topic of conversation concerns the future, a man in love will talk not only about himself, but also about his companion.
The guys listen to the stories of their beloved girl very carefully and remember all the little things.
Men themselves are also frank in dialogue with the object of adoration. They share stories from the past and are not afraid to look sentimental or worried.
Guys calmly discuss family and children issues with a pretty girl.
Being separated from their beloved, young people always say that they are bored.
Not a single man will discuss other girls in the presence of his sympathy.

Sympathy of an unfree man

How to determine what you like married man? Some hints will help you in watching him:

at first, the attitude of a married guy may be completely indifferent or uncertain, because he will try to suppress these feelings in himself;
all your own free time he will spend with you, trying to come up with reasons for the absence of the house;
he will not talk in your presence about his wife and children, if any;
he will hint or decisively declare to you that he is ready for a divorce for the sake of a new relationship.

Adult male sympathy

It is easy for an adult man to like you if you are young and beautiful, but it is much more difficult to understand the seriousness of his intentions:

older guys tend to be decisive. Therefore, they will take the first step and invite you on a date;
they will not disappear after the start of a relationship, they will definitely get in touch by phone or on the Internet;
adult men always remember the need to buy flowers for a meeting and the importance of unexpected gifts;
if for your sake an adult and serious guy goes to reckless acts, he is definitely not indifferent to you;
also know that career and work are important for any adult man. If he's willing to put you above that, he's most likely truly in love.

Sympathies of the zodiac signs

How to understand that a girl likes a man? If you know who the young man you are interested in is according to the horoscope, then you can easily identify signs of his increased interest in you.

Capricorn

Capricorn men are equally polite and gallant with all the ladies.
True sympathy, however, they always keep in their field of vision, keep up a conversation with her, comment on jokes and take her position in any dispute.
Unusual dates from Capricorn can not wait. Conservatives in love, representatives of this zodiac sign express their interest in ordinary everyday actions.
First, Capricorns try to get to know the girl better, and then call on dates and give gifts.
If a lady is not indifferent, such men will always prepare to introduce her to their family.
For Capricorns, a career is very important, so if a man shares all the news from work with just one girl, sympathy is on his face.

Aquarius

The creative nature of this zodiac quickly loses interest in everything. Therefore, if after a couple of dates a man has not disappeared, he definitely has sympathy for a woman. Also, Aquarians in love often call and send SMS to the girl of interest.
With sympathy, Aquarius men are very shy. They often look away and smile in bewilderment. When this zodiac is in love, he ceases to be the center of attention when the object of his adoration appears.
Representatives of this sign are not very punctual, so they come on time only to meetings with those people who are really dear to them.
Aquarians are ready to make any surprises and do the most unexpected things for people they like.
The love of such men resembles the behavior of a child. They are constantly in a cheerful mood, humming something and smiling for no reason.
Aquarians suffering from absent-mindedness always remember the stories of a person they are interested in to the smallest detail.

Fish

The sympathy of this sign is expressed in timidity and tenderness. Confident and courageous Pisces men become affectionate and soft.
Pisces always share their emotional experiences with those who care about them. Sincerity in conversations is very important to them.
Men actively gesticulate and move sharply in the presence of an interesting lady.
Pisces are very jealous of their object of adoration.
This zodiac sign loves grooming. Compliments and gifts will be very romantic.

Aries

Aries men are very straightforward. They begin to conquer the girl and express their feelings immediately.
This sign loves classic courtship with flowers and dates in a secluded setting.
In love, this zodiac will not be recognized. But he will prove his sympathy with loyalty and decency.
Aries are very understanding and gallant. They will not behave aggressively if they see that circumstances require a woman to be alone.

Taurus

Taurus men do not show their sympathy immediately. They need time to sort out their feelings.
This sign has few emotions. However, he gives gifts with attention and flowers. But if the coldness disappears, we are talking about great sympathy and trust.
Taurus like to impress, so they are prone to unusual behavior and surprises. In addition, they surround the object of their adoration with great care.
Representatives of this zodiac take all the initiative in the relationship and are positioned immediately as leaders.
Confessions of love and talking about your own feelings are also not a characteristic feature of closed Taurus. But they are ready to discuss the family future and exchange interests with pleasure with those who are not indifferent to them.

Twins

Gemini men are not too constant, so if they have been showing interest in a woman for a long time, it is worth talking about serious intentions.
Geminis sincerely love to give compliments and surprises.
Also, representatives of this sign are ready to show themselves in at its best, therefore, they amaze women with gallantry and unpredictability.
Young people with the Gemini zodiac are changeable in their mood. However, if, despite the gloomy mood, a man goes on a date, the woman is very dear to him.

crayfish

Cancer men hide feelings because of their strong emotionality and subtle mental organization.
Being in love, this zodiac closes, begins to be embarrassed and embarrassed in the presence of his sympathy.
Cancers are terrible jealous people. They can express it openly or they can wind themselves up with no visible signs.
This sign loves maximalism. Therefore, he is ready to fulfill any whims of the chosen one.
Such men will never show their weaknesses. They try to stay strong and courageous in dealing with a lady.
For the sake of the object of sympathy, Cancers are ready to change, abandon old habits and open up to new ones.

lions

Leo men completely dissolve in their feelings. When they see their beloved, their eyes burn and shine, although their gaze may be running or lowered to the floor.
Representatives of this zodiac are ready to express their sympathy through creativity. They will write poems and songs to their beloved with complete sincerity.
Lions will definitely try to share all the interests of a girl they like. Men will imitate the object of their admiration in behavior, hobbies and points of view on various issues.
This sign will definitely impress a woman. Lions sometimes compliment themselves more often than their companion. They love surprises and unpredictability in behavior.
An integral sign of Leo's sympathy is very strong jealousy.

Virgin

Virgo men will not show signs of attention and invite you on a date right away. Romance is not their forte.
The main indicator of Virgo's sympathy is frequent heart-to-heart talk.
Representatives of this zodiac show their interest quite extraordinary. They may begin to criticize, point out, and give advice.
When Virgos are determined with their feelings, they do not skimp on gifts. But they will always be very useful and practical.
Men of this sign are also distinguished by extraordinary fidelity and devotion to their beloved.

Scales

The desire to be perfect for a pretty companion leads Libra men to carefully monitor their appearance and are very fussy if they notice some flaw in themselves.
Libra loves to talk beautiful words and compliments to those who really deserve them, in their opinion.
In the presence of the object of your sympathy given zodiac often hides his eyes and tries not to cross his eyes.
Among the gifts, this sign will always choose the most unusual. Such men always try to be original.

scorpions

Scorpio men hide their feelings. But if they want, they can very quickly open up to an interesting person.
Scorpios are ready to take the most unexpected and risky actions in order to win a girl.
This zodiac sign will change for the sake of love. He will be happy to adapt to the object of his sympathy.
Complex in nature, such men immediately become gentle and caring.
Scorpios also do not skimp on gifts, and they do not pay attention to money.

archers

Sagittarius men do not immediately reveal their feelings, they need time to appreciate the chosen one.
Sagittarians always try to be close to their sympathy and be understanding themselves.
The candy-bouquet period of this zodiac is unpredictable. They arrange unusual dates and give many gifts.
In everyday matters, the attitude of Sagittarius is almost not manifested. They are not very practical, but they are ready to cancel any important meeting for the sake of a date.
Sagittarians are very jealous. They will never forgive betrayal and will not agree to attention being paid to someone else but them.

Sympathy is the basis of the desire to communicate and admire other people. The meaning of the word "sympathy" is due to the fact that it comes from the Greek συμπάθεια, which translates as "attraction" or "internal disposition." In fact, sympathy for a person means his attractiveness for us. Mutual sympathy- the basis of successful and pleasant communication.

One of the conditions that allows sympathy to arise is the common space of two people. Thanks to the common space, people can contact and discover in each other what brings them together.

Theoretical aspect

Ilyin divides the causes of occurrence into conscious and unconscious. Among the perceived reasons, there is a similarity ( general ideas values, attitudes, interests). Unconscious reasons include the status of a person, his manners, character traits, appearance.

Sympathy was considered by the Stoics, implying a commonality of objects, here there is a connection with sympathy, which is rather close to. The meanings of the words "sympathy" and "empathy" have been confused for many centuries.

The main role in the emergence of sympathy is played by the behavior that a person adheres to during contacts with people, his personal qualities, values and ideals. On the other hand, no matter how worthy a person is, he sometimes repels people, and a scoundrel attracts.

Spontaneously, sympathy often arises as a result of a person's association with nice and affable people from our past. Antipathy awakens towards people who look like enemies from our past.

Likes and dislikes are very relative, they depend on characteristic features people interacting, from the context, from the specifics of communication and the situation in which it arose, as well as time. An experiment conducted in 1985 clearly illustrates this feature of our attitude towards other people.

Photographs of two women shown to students elicited approximately the same number of responses to the question "Which of them is friendlier?" When other students talked before the experiment with a very friendly woman who looked like one of the photographs, students voted six times more for this photo during the study.

The relativity of liking is easy to observe in the Gtiffitt experiment, when students perceived people more positively when they were in better conditions ( cozy room compared to a stuffy and hot room). Those people who appear in an attractive environment (exquisite furniture and soft light compared to dirty and shabby rooms) are also positively perceived.

That is, in this case, a positive attitude towards the situation was transferred to the attitude towards a person, that is, people receive a certain assessment already in our perception. The manifestation of negativity on the part of the experimenter led to the fact that students gave questionnaires to a person who did not look like him.

Practical aspect

So, the conditions under which people communicate affects how they perceive each other. People feel sympathy, being in a pleasant, cozy, refined environment.

The sympathy of a man for a woman and vice versa will increase or decrease depending on the circumstances under which they met each other. Maintaining relationships, as Walster rightly pointed out, is impossible without associating them with things that give pleasure.

In addition, charm is of great importance. It is easy to feel attracted to people who are sincere, open, alive, full of energy. This is a kind of charm, and its key components are: presence, strength and warmth (Kabane). Everyone can become a person, the main thing is to work on the non-verbal information that the individual sends to the world.

Everyone likes a charismatic person, he evokes admiration and the impression from others (not with words, but with his behavior) that he has many opportunities, strengths and he likes the people around him. Next to him it becomes good, so they strive for his company.

Here are some tips that will quickly lead to an increase in charisma: lowering intonation at the end of a sentence, slight nods, two-second pauses between messages. The more fundamental factors are:

Presence. It is necessary to be completely with the person, any distraction is very noticeable. Focusing on communication greatly increases our attractiveness to others.
Strength and warmth. A friendly, caring and strong, powerful person is dizzy, you want to attract and keep such a person, because he is extremely useful, and his attention flatters his interlocutors.

The most important thing is sincerity. Attempts to portray something usually run into rejection from other people, because they solve our game. Harmony lies in the correspondence of the internal and external, therefore, first you need to put the internal in order.

signs

How to determine that we have attracted attention? Empathy usually helps in this, empathy allows you to recognize the state of another person, but special gestures of sympathy can also be distinguished: touching, the desire to correct something, besides, male sympathy is usually expressed in frequent glances at the girl and attempts to be closer to her.

The sympathy of a man for a woman must be supported so that it develops into something more. In response, you need to show your own sympathy, no matter whether it manifests itself in approving glances or in a smile, the main thing is that it should not be aggressive.

How to distinguish love from sympathy? The sympathy of a man from love can be separated by the confidence and frequency of steps that a man takes towards a woman, by his care, desire to help, care, by the desire to continue communication. The strong sympathy of a man for a woman is different in that he tries to prove his worth, demonstrates his capabilities.

It is more important to distinguish politeness from sympathy, since the actions of a woman in relation to a man will depend on this. This difference is expressed in the amount of attention shown and the balance of emotional investments.

A sympathizing man responds to every action of a woman with his own and initiates contacts himself, you rarely need to wait for something from him for a long time. If a woman openly showed sympathy, and a man is uninitiated and only occasionally responds to her signs of attention, most likely, he is led by politeness.

You can recognize female signs of sympathy by her concern for the comfort of a person, interest in him, and initiative. So if a woman feels sympathy for a man or a man for a woman, the main indicators of this are interest, initiation of light tactile contact, provocation (mimicry) and high spirits. Author: Ekaterina Volkova

What is sympathy? Sympathy is a feeling of emotional predisposition towards an object. From Greek. "sympatheia" - "attraction", which means the subjective impression of attractiveness and desirability of something. Associated with the concepts of synchronicity, mutual attunement. In some cultures, it can mean empathy and the desire for happiness. Under the influence of the Stoics and ancient Greek philosophers of the early (IV - V centuries AD), the concept of sympathy fell into the vocabulary of mystics, romantics, and philosophers. At that time, it was about cosmic sympathy. Cosmos was called nature, the elements, and it was about the emergence of natural (cosmic) sympathy. Even then, both unconscious (natural) causes and social ways of the emergence of sympathy were considered, since they believed that the cosmos (nature), society and the individual exist according to uniform laws. The emergence of sympathy between people is explained by unanimity, commonality of views and interests, subjective selective positive reaction to the person of the other.

Sympathy is seen as an instinctive inclination resulting from a sense of kinship. External manifestations are an active expression of interest, goodwill, attentiveness. The opposite is a feeling of antipathy. Interest, what is sympathy, the definition of this sensation is inherent in man.

What is sympathy for a person?

A person is interested in a feeling called sympathy, what it is. Feeling sympathy implies a positive attitude, determining whether an object likes it or not. It allows us to associate a certain person with potentially good ones for us. It is a positive, socially approved feeling, a desirable attitude for a person, because we like to feel it.

Sympathy for a person is perceived as an unreasonable, at first glance, the continuity of another, a tendency to him, a feeling of spiritual kinship (that's why it was perceived as a cosmic connection). This is a manifestation of an early, irrational form of trust. There are versions that one of the sources of this sensation is a different set of genes, which manifests itself in different external stimuli - smell, features, figure, and therefore is of interest for further communication in order to enrich the genome. Another version speaks of similar characteristics that inspire confidence due to their similarity and understandability. The second version has more arguments on its side, since the opposite can cause a positive reaction if the ratio of the unknown and the interest is outweighed in the direction of the interest.

Sympathy is more associated with continuity and a sense of unity, which is easier to feel for a person who is similar and understandable. It can arise as a sense of community, joint activities, common interests is clarified or formed, when the difference becomes expressive enough to distinguish individuality, but not clearly opposite, to give the impression of a demonstrative difference.

The emergence of sympathy is possible both in a conditionally random way, and as a result of building relationships, forming a community, from the mood of people. A person is social, therefore it is irrational to give all the reins of the emergence of emotions and relationships only to the factors of physical attractiveness, and more and more attention is paid to ways of social formation of a sense of mutually positive relationship between people.

Sympathy is associated with compliance personal boundaries, individual space. People who invade personal space, physical, individual, are associated with aggressors and, accordingly, cause antipathy. Access to personal boundaries is also considered a manifestation of a trusting relationship. Those. sympathy arises as a result of respect for someone else's space (including psychological) and the result will be access to it.

The frequency of social contacts creates the basis for the emergence of sympathy, because. people feel the need to trust their environment and unconsciously seek to establish a connection with a permanent environment. Therefore, a person may feel guilty if he does not experience positive emotions to someone who treats him well. Sympathy shown is a stimulus for the formation of internal, as a response to behavior. For this, a certain social exchange is carried out, when individuals provide each other with small services, as well as etiquette interaction, the exchange of words of politeness.

What is like and dislike?

Experts are often asked questions - antipathy, sympathy, what is it. Antipathy (from Greek - "against", and "passion"), which means a feeling opposite to sympathy. In a pair, they refer to the motivational factors of interpersonal and intergroup communication. This is a feeling of inner disposition, hostility, disgust.

Antipathy is also an initially unconscious attitude, but it can also be formed in the process. social interaction. Antipathy essential tool for social communication. Being based on a biological nature, when potentially life-threatening objects cause rejection, in a social manifestation, antipathy is also a signal of potential danger, objectively or subjectively perceived. Also in communication, she helps the other understand the reaction that his persona evokes. It is practically difficult for a person to understand neutral signs, the psyche is focused on certainty, clarity and clarity of signals, and antipathy is just as necessary for building mutually acceptable relationships.

The source of antipathy is the idea of danger, rejection, disgust, opposition, both formed as a result of personal experience and as a result of genetic or learning.

Feelings of sympathy and antipathy can be equally present in relation to the object, then they speak of a relationship when a person is overwhelmed by conflicting, mutually exclusive feelings. A manifestation of such behavior may be the inconsistency of non-verbal and verbal signals and behavior. AT early age when the social psyche is understandably unformed and infantile, this can be expressed in contradictory attention in the form of bullying, provocations (the notorious pigtails and catch-ups).

As a person grows up and gains social experience, he learns to form relationships with a perceived balance of opposite, mutually exclusive relationships, when a person is capable of acceptable and close communication, while realizing the other has negative or unacceptable qualities and habits, his otherness. In this case, ambivalence occurs in individual cases. If the social is poorly formed, a person often experiences such contradictions, which is expressed in the inconsistency of the expression of non-verbal and verbal signals, the formation and construction of relationships.

What is sympathy for a girl?

What is sympathy definition of the concept is often interesting to young people. If we share sympathy for a person of the sex of interest, as a person, and sympathy, as a feeling of personal and erotic interest, then in relation to a girl it is associated with intimate interest. It can be seen as a manifestation good relationship, the desire to spend time together, providing services and attention to the girl, material expression.

If we talk about non-verbal signs, then it should be remembered that in most situations a person always experiences some kind of emotion in relation to another and they have some kind of sign (positive or negative). Positive signs - mean the absence (on this moment) negative, and not necessarily expressed by a positive reaction. And in such a situation, an active intrusion in order to attract attention, an attitude towards a positively neutral attitude, as a promise of sympathy, can be perceived as an attack and turn the sign to the opposite. In this case, the active demonstration of increased activity and an unreasonable demand, as well as the expectation of further confirmation of a positive attitude, can be perceived as aggression and obsession.

It should also be borne in mind that from an intimate point of view of a person, to one degree or another, all non-tabooed (by age, social, kinship) representatives of the sex of interest are interested. And if the object does not cause dislike, it potentially causes pleasant emotions. Those. some expression of a successive, positive attitude, especially in a certain community setting, does not necessarily single out a particular girl in the eyes of a guy, but rather has a general signal of continuity. Accordingly, non-verbal and conditional manifestations of sympathy in the form of a smile, a friendly gaze, open positions and politeness should preferably be attributed to the general personal expression of sympathy and politeness of communication in a non-aggressive society.

Correct signals should be considered only those expressed verbally or by actions in the form of attention, time, material expression. If a young man talks about his sympathy for a girl, strives to spend most of his time, and also take a useful part in her life, help her, do something that causes joy and a smile, then we can assume the presence of pronounced sympathy.

What is sympathy for a guy?

Like a girl, liking a guy is a combination of an interest in an individual with an intimate interest. Also, by analogy, a desire to spend time together, provide attention and services can be a manifestation of sympathy. Non-verbal signs indicate the absence of a negative attitude. The feeling of such a positive attitude towards another person, necessary for social and interpersonal communication and in application to a particular person, can be considered as the potential for the formation of a deeper relationship and communication, and not a guarantee and promise of it.

A girl's sympathy for a guy can have both a general personality and an erotically directed character, initially, but it should be remembered that, as in the opposite case, and in any other cases, it is not static.

But, if you focus on heterosexual relationships, in the case of communication between a guy and a girl, the gender moment intervenes, since in most cultures a lot of initiative at the beginning of communication is assigned to the guy. In this case, non-verbal signs in the form of a smile, a friendly look can push you to the first steps towards showing attention and demonstrating expressed individual sympathy. But here it is also necessary to remember that non-verbal signs indicate the absence, at the moment, of negativity, and are not a promise of mandatory stable sympathy. And if the girl smiled, but refused the offer of communication, then the smile should be attributed to the manifestation of politeness and the manifestation of a positive attitude towards the person in general, and not the manifestation of direct intimate interest.

It should also be remembered that the relationship is a dynamic process, the manifestation of sympathy at the moment may change to antipathy in the next, if the response signal is not pleasant. For example, gross violation personal boundaries, physical and individual, can quickly, abruptly and permanently (sometimes forever) cross out positive impressions and cause antipathy.

Incorrect, rude, aggressive, obsessive behavior can provoke a change in a positive sign to a negative one. The more accurate and attentive attitude of individuals among themselves takes place, the more chances there are to strengthen the feeling of sympathy and increase the chances of moving to a deeper and closer level of communication. This is true of both love and friendship relationships, regardless of gender differences.

At the time when a woman and a man awakens sympathy for each other, and their relationship enters into a series of romantic dates and meetings, the degree of passion for each other begins to quickly gain momentum. At this stage, feelings literally overflow, thoughts soar in “pink” clouds, people see life without each other as impossible, and they are in a state called “falling in love”.

The first stage of development of relations

This stage lasts an average of 3-6 months, sometimes a little less or longer. This is the easiest time to get married. Man and woman languish mutual love and for the "reunion" with the second half, they are ready to go to all real and unrealistic deeds and feats. At this point, it is necessary to follow the saying "strike while the iron is hot."

Almost all young people who later entered into a marriage union were firmly established in the decision to create an official unit of society already at the dawn of the development of their relationship. And this is quite understandable and understandable. After all, the choice of a future spouse is similar to the choice of an evening dress - you can see whether it suits you right away or not. You do not need to fiddle with a ruler in front of your dressing table all evening, nervously determining whether the outfit sits well on you or dangles, as if on a hanger. Everything becomes clear to you when you just try it on.

In my life, I have met couples who dated for about ten years, then entered into a formal relationship, and divorced six months later. It does not take a very long time to fully get to know a person and enter into a marriage alliance with him. And certainly, one should not stretch the stage of “preliminary” acquaintance for several years! For example, my husband and I got married after five months of our acquaintance, and now we are coming to the end of the twelfth year of our happy marriage.

Second level

If you didn’t get married during the first period of meeting a man, your romantic relationship will certainly move into the second stage of its development. This stage is characterized by great calmness regarding the feelings between partners and the stability of their relationship. As a rule, on average, the stage of "stable equilibrium" lasts from six months to one and a half years, but I remember cases when it lasted 2 years and even longer.

The second level of development of your acquaintance is a good moment for concluding an official family union. The stage of passionate mutual love is in the past, but your relationship with a man is gaining momentum and deepening. A marriage created in this also has every chance of success.

Level three

If you do not marry the second level of acquaintance, then your relationship will sooner or later move into the third part of its evolution and begin to slowly fade away.

On the initial stage it's not noticeable. At times, reflections of mutual passion may still flare up between you, but such moments will become more and more rare. Differences in the contradictory traits of your characters will become more noticeable, internal tension and dissatisfaction with each other will begin to gain growth, which will ultimately lead to the predominance of feelings of fatigue and disappointment in your relationship, replacing everything romantic that served to grow your affection in the first period of acquaintance. As a rule, in this situation, the relationship in a couple begins to gradually fade, losing viability.

At this level of acquaintance, the conclusion of a family union will not lead to anything good. Since the partners at this stage decide to marry, either in order to stop the salvation of the destruction of their relationship, or because of a sense of obligation to each other.

The optimal time for marriage is the period when the future spouses experience mutual feelings of pleasure from this prospect, when none of the partners compromises for the sake of resolving the baggage of problems and the couple, with painful longing in their eyes, does not wander down the aisle, tired of the burden of mutual internal obligations. A woman and a man who have done everything on time will have a greater desire to jointly solve emerging difficulties, which only contributes to the growth of their mutual affection and the strengthening of relations.

Appearance is not the only factor on which our attitude towards people depends. When we get to know a person, then, in addition to appearance, we immediately note his other properties that enhance or, conversely, reduce the impression that his appearance made on us. We note the mindset, tastes, habits, sense of humor of a new acquaintance. There are certain preconceived notions about what should be positive person. So, many of us are convinced that a girl should be beautiful, and a man should be smart. If you look at it, the requirement is quite cruel: it is clear that not all girls are beautiful, just as not all men are very smart (after all, when we say “smart”, we mean that he is smarter than others, smarter than most, singled out from the majority). It turns out that we are ready to recognize as worthy of attention only some privileged part of fellow citizens, defining all the rest an order of magnitude lower. In everyday life, of course, we don’t think about it, we don’t analyze this stereotype so deeply, like all other stereotypes, as if we don’t take it seriously. But it lingers in consciousness, takes root, and getting rid of it, moving away from it, it turns out, is not always easy.

The next circumstance on which the emergence of sympathy depends is the dissimilarity or similarity of partners. It is often said that these people got along because they are similar to each other. It is no less often said that people got together just because they are very different. Depending on the situation, either one or the other is significant.

In addition, in order for people to like each other, the nature of the interaction is important. Communication is an interaction, and how it develops, sympathy may or may not arise. The famous book by Dale Carnegie, which opened the mechanism of psychological patterns to the general reader in America and Europe, is built on one of the principles of interaction. “Do good to a person,” the author repeats in different variations, and the concept of the book boils down to this, “and you will be pleasant to a person.” Under certain conditions, with a certain type of relationship, a person becomes, regardless of his qualities, more sympathetic to us.

And of course, we all know how much the situation means in the development of relations. Everyone understands that it is very difficult to make an acquaintance or arouse sympathy from someone in a crowded trolleybus. Even the most benevolent people will breathe a sigh of relief when they get off at the bus stop. Indeed, some experience suggests that there are situations in which it is easier to please each other.

Finally, we may like a person not only because he is smart and attractive, or because we did some work together, but also because at that moment we are ready to feel sympathy, to love people. It's not about the person, not the situation - it's about our own properties and our condition.

The idea of the reasons for the emergence of sympathy can be useful to us in everyday life, to warn against some behavioral errors. Such information will be especially instructive for the young reader, for our children - those who are especially acutely experiencing a new acquaintance, relationships with comrades.

So, what properties of the object, besides beauty, do we care about?

We like the mind, erudition, high position in society, energy, optimism. Meanwhile, even such seemingly obvious merits are not equally appreciated by us.

Here is what one experiment showed.

In four rooms, groups of men and women were shown the same video. The man was answering the questions of the quiz show. The texts accompanying the video were different. In one case, a person seemed to us extremely lucky: he studied brilliantly at school and at the institute, occupied a good position in society, he had an excellent family, he was passionate about work. Answered the questions of the quiz also brilliantly. In another case, he was presented as a completely ordinary person: he studied so-so, and the salary was low, and he answered questions with errors.

The final video also had two options: in one case, the quiz ended without any incident, in the other, when taking the offered cup of coffee, business people accidentally poured it on their trousers. Both the loser and the “darling of fate” poured out, and he behaved not like a superman - he was very upset, complained that the suit was expensive and probably disappeared.

Now let's offer the reader a small test - put this book aside and answer which of the four characters in the video aroused the greatest sympathy - the loser or the "superman" who did not spill coffee, or one of the two who spilled it.

It turned out that more than others aroused sympathy ... "superman", who found himself in an awkward situation and upset by coffee spilled on his trousers.

Why not the one who held on with dignity to the end and avoided such an oversight? "Superman", who withstood his role to the end, was much less liked. Because he was too perfect. Because his virtues, so obvious and pleasant, all together alienated his image from the audience, made it inaccessible. And that is why the people sitting in the hall unconsciously began to look for some shortcomings in him, unpleasant features, he seemed not so pretty. Only because he surpassed the audience in all respects!

So it is in life: we involuntarily compare ourselves with an interlocutor, a new acquaintance, we involuntarily evaluate our own and his qualities. Ideal communication for us is an approximate equality of advantages and disadvantages. If we are clearly superior to the partner in intelligence, erudition, social status, breadth of interests, and so on, or if the partner is far behind in most parameters, it will not be very interesting to communicate with him.

Communication will continue only if the partner surpasses us in some other parameters (say, the national champion in Japanese wrestling).

But on the other hand, if we feel that the partner is much superior to us in everything, we also will not strive for such a person. However, our consciousness, protecting our interests better than any army, will not explain this as our imperfection. Subconsciously, we will begin to look for unpleasant features in the "superman" and, without suspecting it ourselves, we can even come up with non-existent flaws. Because it's better in some way. Probably, the stereotype “very beautiful means evil, bad” was affirmed with the help of just such a mechanism. And the unwillingness to communicate with the "superman" we will explain not by the inequality of our merits, but by the fact that this, of course, an unpleasant person has nothing in common with us, naturally, positive in all respects.

Many young people are unaware of such a seemingly illogical feature of human perception and, for example, getting to know girls, getting into an unfamiliar company, from the very first minutes they make a serious mistake: they exaggerate their merits, attribute sometimes non-existent achievements to themselves - and here it is. a kind of image of a knight without fear and reproach, a tennis player who defended his dissertation at the age of twenty-five, and reads fluently in three languages, and is sent abroad on business trips, and manages to play jazz. It seems that such an image is the best way to contribute to the successful development of relations. But it happens otherwise. Having met such a wonderful person, a girl can brag about him to her friend, she can visit him or go to a cafe a couple of times - for the same purpose. But it is unlikely that she will decide to continue the acquaintance - the same “protective mechanism” is triggered. For a serious acquaintance, the girl will prefer outwardly quite an ordinary person.

Because the girls, like the spectators who participated in the experiment, like all of us, like only those who are somewhat similar to us, the most ordinary people. Who have little human weaknesses. The super-positive person on the screen allowed himself a weakness - he was just as excited about spilled coffee on the suit as the most ordinary person. He, for all his invulnerability, showed a natural human trait, and he gained the sympathy of the audience. After all, none of us is able to love our neighbor only for virtues - we love both for weaknesses and for shortcomings.

In general, the image of Superman, a man of exceptional virtues, is one of those masks that many of us often try on in the hope of success. And that's what gets in the way of success. This state of affairs is well illustrated by the collision of the film "Office Romance". Both heroes discovered each other, began to live a real, full life only after they threw off the masks familiar to those around them - the “reinforced concrete” boss and the eternally guilty klutzy subordinate.

What qualities still contribute to the emergence of sympathy? There are no such qualities. The fact is that, depending on the situation, the same property of a person can be evaluated both positively and negatively, there are no absolutely “bad” and “good” properties. After all, if you figure out what it means, for example, "totality"? The generosity of a stupid person. And generosity is definitely a positive quality. What is cunning? The mind of a bad person. We can condemn the stingy person. But this is also relative - in a different situation, we will no longer talk about stinginess, but about thrift, that is, about something without which in family life, for example, is difficult.

We can also condemn the same person for unscrupulousness, encourage for kindness and resent insensitivity towards loved ones.

And there is nothing strange here - because one cannot be kind at all, just like courageous and generous, one can only be in a certain situation, in relation to specific people. Not always even seemingly obvious advantages bring good luck.

Remember the famous epigram "and you are beautiful inopportunely, and you are smart inappropriately."

To achieve good luck, however, it would be good to remember some patterns related not so much to personality traits as to behavior. For example, one of the main recommendations of the already mentioned Carnegie - "smile" - as a rule, justifies itself. It is always more pleasant to deal with a friendly person than with a gloomy, gloomy person. It is more pleasant for us to talk with a person who looks into the eyes, and does not study the landscape outside the window, while we prove something to him. It is more pleasant with those who trust us. However, there must also be a measure of trust: a person who passionately tells a casual acquaintance the most intimate details of his biography will most likely not inspire sympathy.

Meanwhile, there is one feature that almost always causes sympathy for a person. This is luck. One very common stereotype is that good man- lucky. And we are drawn to the one who is lucky.

A group of subjects took part in an intellectual game. The contribution of all participants was the same, but from time to time the experimenter rewarded one of them for success in the game. Of course, everyone understood that in fact everyone had exactly the same success, but after a while, when asked whose contribution was greater, many answered that it was the one who was awarded who showed himself the best.

Most modern people do not believe in fate, in the secret forces of nature and the like. But quite often a fully educated modern person gets the impression that luck (both in big and small) seems to be predetermined by some kind of regularity. For example, we tend to think that if someone tosses a coin ten times in a row, and it falls ten times in a row on the same side, this is no coincidence.

Vladimir Makanin has such a story - "Klyucharev and Alimushkin", it is about how one person suddenly became unspeakably lucky, while another was not lucky in all respects. The more one rose, the more miserable was the other. The story is full of the author's irony, but there are reasons for it - our ideas, not fundamental, basic, of course, but everyday, daily, are somewhat close to the feelings of the characters. We do not want to put up with the fact that luck, luck visit a person just like that, for no reason.

We don't want to, if only because we tend to think that the world is inherently, immanently fair. Without any of our efforts, good, in principle, must defeat evil, as in a children's fairy tale. We want to believe that this is how it will be in our life. This naive belief is based on prejudices, and perhaps some kind of protective mechanism is triggered, because when it comes to the fate of countries and peoples, we think quite scientifically, realistically. But our everyday experiences are often based not on scientific data, but on those little things that we hear from childhood from loved ones, about which we guess, in which we begin to believe without thinking too much.

Yevgeny Yevtushenko has one early poem, in which the conversation is about an icicle hanging from the roof. And the author, who stands up for a just order of the world, calls on an icicle to fall on the head of a bad person.

Unfortunately, in life we are often convinced that she really will fall on her head. bad person. And if so, let the loser cry.

To illustrate, let's cite one foreign experiment showing what such a seemingly harmless belief in a fair arrangement of things can lead to.

A group of students from an American driving school was shown a video recording: a traffic accident, a pedestrian was hit, the driver is to blame. In one version of the recording, the pedestrian was almost not injured, in another, he was seriously injured. It was proposed to determine the degree of guilt of both. The result was staggering: if the pedestrian was slightly injured or even bruised, the driver's fault seemed unconditional to the subjects. If the condition of the pedestrian, as reported, was severe or he died, some of the subjects were inclined to lay a share of the blame on the innocent victim.

How so? The fact is that, believing in an initially just world that surrounds us, we, as it were, entrusted the care of ourselves to the forces of nature. It is they who must ensure that we do not accidentally get hit by a car. So that they don’t get into an accidental traffic accident, they don’t experience undeserved misfortune. We do not want to believe that we can innocently, like this pedestrian, fall under the wheels.

That is why some subjects blamed the pedestrian: any misfortune, according to their unconscious belief, must be a retribution for some misconduct. Otherwise, it turns out that everyone can become a victim of circumstances at any moment. The unexpected cruelty was dictated by a deeply hidden sense of self-preservation, which found support in prejudice.

In another foreign experiment, the subjects were also shown a video recording: a person on the screen solved the tasks offered to him. If the answer was incorrect, the person received a mild blow. electric shock. Each of us, reading these lines, will rightly be indignant: how can one punish a mistake in this way! But the participants in the experiment behaved ambiguously. Many, watching what is happening on the screen (of course, they did not demonstrate a real experiment), when asked what kind of person receiving an electric shock, they answered that he was endowed with many unpleasant features. The more he suffered from pain (the actor on the screen showed in the course of the action that he was in more and more pain), the less sympathy he aroused.

If it was reported that an experiment taking place in next room, the vast majority of viewers demanded an end to the inhuman ordeal.

What does all of this mean? How can this unexpected behavior be explained?

We are all, as a rule, ready to help a person in the event that something depends on us. We are humane when we have responsibility for what is happening around us. We are responsible for the fate of the person on the screen, when it is in our power to interrupt the experiment, and we will not let him suffer.

But if its fate does not depend on us, and we are unable to change anything? It turns out that some people in this situation may not feel sympathy for someone else's suffering. And not only not to feel sympathy - they can even look for some justification for his deplorable situation. That is why someone on the screen seemed unpleasant to someone. And although the experiment was conducted abroad and from an ethical point of view, not everything in it can suit us, its conclusions are directly related to us.

And the main conclusion is that our behavior very much depends on how developed our sense of responsibility is. Responsibility is the key to moral education, something you should never forget. First of all, those who work with young people. Isn't the cruelty of teenagers often rooted in the lack of responsibility for what is happening around? And not just teenagers. Let's analyze our own actions. It is unlikely that anyone will leave without the help of a friend or relative, or a neighbor in a train compartment, if he suddenly became ill. We kind of answer for it. But then a man fell on the street - and passers-by go by. There are no responsible.

If we try to analyze our attitude to this or that situation, to the hero of the movie, we will also notice that often involuntarily, without noticing it ourselves, we justify a large number of injustices and cruelties. And we sympathize not so much with the victim for a just cause, but with the winner, the lucky one. After all, winners are not judged... What a dangerous stereotype fraught with the most unexpected consequences!

We must tirelessly explain to our children that the lucky one is not always the good one. That the only quality that guarantees success in communication is naturalness. (This has been proven by numerous experiments.) A young man invents himself because he is not sure of own forces, in his own merits, in that he can please the way he is.

We foresee the objection: many will remember that it was natural behavior, when they were themselves, that did not succeed. But here the matter is different. Remember a physical education lesson at school or a class in the section - you are preparing to jump high, and the coach looks at your preparations with skepticism. You scatter, and the coach mutters under his breath that you’ve taken up this matter in vain, you’d better play chess, - so the run is not the same, and the size of the foot is not suitable ... Most likely, in such conditions you will bring down the bar, even if it costs well below your limit.

So, in communication, the main thing is to convince your inner opponent. Or - if he does not want to listen to your arguments - try to "turn down the volume" of his voice. Try to treat yourself with sympathy - and you will see that your feelings will begin to be shared by others.

We must always remember that in most cases it is possible to win the sympathy of a particular person. But it is impossible, of course, to please everyone. Not only because everyone is different. Focusing on the sympathy of the majority of others can lead to certain difficulties. How many examples we know today of how a person who made a discovery, put forward a bold hypothesis, quite recently found himself in isolation, the majority did not agree with him. Moreover, the majority did not sympathize with him: we all know that in other times "every decent person with all his heart wished to see a "heretic" at the stake." If Galileo and Copernicus aspired to be pleasing to everyone around us, we would probably still think that it is not the Earth that moves, but the Sun.

In addition, striving to please everyone, a person is unlikely to be happy.