When parents properly raise their children, from an early age they teach them to take responsibility, to be responsible for their words and actions, to control deeds. In a word - to be an adult. This is good, but sometimes a person grows up and begins to obsessively follow the instructions of his parents, not paying attention to the fact that there should be a balance in everything.

Remember how we were taught: "If you want it to be done efficiently and on time, do it yourself." Hence the problem arises - a person tries to control everything. As a result, dissatisfaction with oneself and life.

Well, a person cannot control everything - the sun will rise without his control. Excessive desire to manage everything must be disposed of in the same way as unwillingness to take responsibility.

We will look at 8 reasons for the desire to control everything, and how you can get rid of it.

This item fits perfectly. A person gets used to the fact that he knows everything by “five”, and everyone else is content with triples. Everyone falls short of the status of a “guru”, so he better do all the work and be sure that the end result is done perfectly.

But you are not the smartest! There is always someone dumber, someone smarter.

distrust of others

Such a person cannot shift responsibility to someone. He just doesn't trust anyone. It seems to him that as soon as he gives the topic to another, he will definitely forget about it, break the deadlines, postpone it for later, etc.

It is very difficult to live without trust, but, unfortunately, delegation is not among the priorities of overly responsible people.

Suspicion

Such a person is sure that if he allows a grip of control, then everyone will immediately relax and make a fool of themselves. And then they completely forget to do it.

Such people start the morning by giving a million tasks to their household members.

"Go brush your teeth." And after 5 minutes: “Have you brushed your teeth?”. Along the way, it is imperative to check whether the washbasin remains wet, whether the cap from the tube of toothpaste is screwed on, etc. Total control of everything, because all households will definitely do bad things.

It's easier to do it yourself than to explain to others

Many mothers do not have enough time to tell and show their child how to put on tights, fasten a jacket and tie the laces with a bow. It takes a long time to learn, but the result is needed. It's easier to do everything yourself.

With this approach, the mother will have to deal with the child until retirement, and until the child's pension. As a result, the child will grow up dependent, and the mother will kill (if you add up all the time) a couple of years of her life to pull on tights.

Caring for loved ones

The desire to dictate to everyone how to live, what and when to do has received a special term - control freak. And there is no hidden word “care” in this phrase. There is no concern here. This is a suffocating feeling in which there is no warmth and love. There is pressure, edification and tugging on trifles. Everyone gets tired of this.

To truly care is to give freedom, to help, to share.

And not patronize until the other person realizes that he is helpless, hopeless and useless.

Let go of the grip and let the person make their own mistakes. Well, the child forgot the pen at home - let him get out at school. He won't forget her tomorrow.

Lots of things to do

The controller has to wake up and fall asleep not in the arms of her husband (wife), but with a plan of small things for today. After all, for them, the “case” is to pull the husband so that he does not forget mobile phone at home, and the child to fold the briefcase. And there are thousands of such "cases" per day. It seems to the controller that if he pulled a person, then this is his business, which is done.

Feeling of self worth

Such a person cultivates a sense of dignity and indispensability. He does a sea of ​​deeds, which he then reproaches those around him. I did this and that, but you didn’t do that, and you missed that. He gets taller than others.

He rushes about with his indispensability and is sure that everyone should be grateful for such help.

So the mother-in-law can break into her daughter's house and rebuild everything in her own way, and squeeze out gratitude to herself for this. She will tell you what time the son-in-law should get out of bed, how the children should sit at the table, what to say, and the daughter should put carrots in the roast only after onions. All family members walk on the line and are afraid to cough in the presence of the mother-in-law. There is no life for everyone.

The controller is sure that if he hadn’t asked again at the door if the iron had been turned off, it would definitely not have been turned off, and the apartment would have burned down.

In principle, control is justified and it protects humanity from negative consequences, including from real disasters. It is not known what would have happened to humanity if vigilant people had not been on the alert.

Anxiety

People-controllers always elevated level anxiety. They are always trying to anticipate certain situations that theoretically may or may not happen. They often worry in vain. And when faced with a situation in which they cannot control anything, such as flying on an airplane, they fall into fears and even phobias. Often those who are accustomed to take responsibility and answer for everything.

It is good when people-controllers are convinced that their participation is only an illusion, that their vigilant control is not able to protect loved ones from any troubles. It's bad when they don't understand.

The levels of control vary and the initial stage is right approach, however, like other stages up to the "red mark on the chalet of anxiety." The extreme degree refers to a nervous breakdown, this condition is also called. Such people will check the lights a hundred times and wash their hands many times before each meal. In this case, the help of a specialist is indispensable.

Loosen your grip

Try to gradually let go of the grip and deviate from the usual rules.

Delegate a small fraction of the tasks to subordinates, family members and friends. Follow them, but carefully. Make sure everything is fine.

The world will not collapse even if the husband forgets his phone at home. I forgot myself - I will get out myself. And the fact that you don’t drink him later for this will give him strength and faith in himself. Choose tasks small and unimportant. Do not immediately dump a pile of problems on fragile shoulders in order to shout out once more: "I knew it, you failed the case."

Ask questions

Ask yourself a series of questions, such as: “Does total control really help you, or does it just make life more difficult?”. The answer does not have to be “yes” or “no”. Here, the pros and cons are more important. Write the answers in a notebook and understand the origins of these beliefs. Perhaps the roots go back to parental upbringing or environment (school, yard). Here is a sample list of questions to help you.

• What am I afraid of?
• What happens if I just stop being in control of this situation?
• Is this problem mine?
• If you “let go” of someone else’s task, will there be more free time?
• What do I get from total control?
• Is this what I really need?
• Do I understand that apart from death, nothing can be certain?

We dare to suggest that in the whole wide world there is not a single person who has never been lazy. After all, even a true workaholic at least once in his life gave himself a slack and spent the whole day doing nothing. But an isolated case is trifles, compared with chronic laziness, which simply needs to be fought. We tell you how.

self-hypnosis

This method really works. All you need is to force yourself to take on the most difficult and unpleasant work that you constantly put off until later. How to force? Yes, just tell yourself that you will work for 5-10 minutes and quit if you don’t feel like it. As a rule, when a business moves from a standstill, a person has a motivation to finish it as soon as possible and never remember it again.

Planning

Reward

For self-hypnosis to work, you need to promise yourself a reward for the work done. For example, you can treat yourself to a new thing, your favorite sweet, entertainment. But remember, the amount of remuneration should correspond to the amount of work - the more you did, the more you got. You can always come to the method when your existence turns into a lazy seal day.

Gradually, you will develop a conditioned reflex “work - prize” and, perhaps, the reward will no longer be needed, and you will start doing everything automatically.

Organize your space

Sort out the desktop - remove unnecessary items, put documents in folders, put books and magazines in their places. It is important that there is order around, otherwise it will distract you from work. In the end, you will do nothing and will only find excuses for yourself.

Splitting up

The method of splitting large tasks into smaller ones helps to tune in. For example, you need to do general cleaning, but laziness does not allow you to get down to business - divide it into small tasks and spread over the week (for example, today you clean the kitchen, tomorrow - the living room, on the third day - the bedroom, etc.). So, you will be less tired, and the cleaning will be better. The same can be done with large work projects, presentations, speeches, and the like.

Training

Some things you just need to accustom yourself to, so that they become a habit, and you do them with ease. For example, these cases include morning work-out, early rise, household chores, reading books, drafting important documents. At the beginning it will be very difficult, but actions regularly repeated through force will soon not make you remind yourself.

Rest

At first glance, this is very strange advice, but it actually works. This, first of all, refers to laziness at work. Very often, from overwork, people begin to be capricious, lazy and put off everything for later. But after resting for a couple of weeks in another country (or in a boarding house), not remembering work and household chores, you will gain strength and recharge your batteries for another year. If you can’t take a vacation or go far away, you can unload and shake yourself up in other ways - go in for extreme sports or sign up for some interesting courses.

Change of activity

Often, laziness is associated with routine and monotony at work. When you do the same thing day after day, communicate with the same people, and there are no prospects for development, this results in laziness or depression. To cope with both of these conditions, you need to radically change the type of activity to a more interesting and lively one. Of course, this may not work out, but trying to radically change your life and find yourself a job that will not seem like hard labor is still worth it (“Learning to quit the right way”).

Ecology of Life: Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D. in industrial and organizational psychology at Clemson University, spoke about what prevents people from managing their own lives.

How to learn to manage your own life

Benjamin Hardy, PhD in Industrial and Organizational Psychology at Clemson University, said, what prevents people from managing their own lives.

Although in flight there is turbulence and other troubles, due to which the aircraft does not fly exactly to the target 90% of the time, the vast majority of flights arrive at their destination on time.

The fact is that the flight is subject to certain rules, in addition, the navigation system has some inertia, and, as a result, the aircraft's course has to be constantly adjusted. However, when this happens in a timely manner, nothing terrible happens. If the correction is not made in time, a catastrophe can happen.

And so in everything - the little things, if they are not taken into account, stick together into a snowball.Ask yourself a few questions:

How do you manage your life?

What feedback get?

How often do you check your navigation system?Do you have such a system at all?

What is your goal?How do you plan to achieve it?

Are you on course at the moment?If not, how long have you lost it?

• How do you know if you're following a course or not? How to minimize turbulence and other problems that cause deviations from the route?

1. Organization of life

I am rather sloppy and not organized enough in many areas, and I don't think I'm alone in this, because we are all busy people.

Keeping everything in order is very difficult. In addition, you may not need order in all matters. On the other hand, if you remove the roughness, it will become easier to move forward. After all, we are constantly wasting energy, and if we take on too much - physically or emotionally - it is more difficult to go.

In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey says that among our cases there are urgent, and there are important. At the same time, most people prioritize urgent but small matters (for example, it can be answers to emails or some everyday worries).

Few organize their lives to prioritize what really matters - education, health, relationships with a partner, travel, and their long-term goals.

No one but you will take care of your success - if you do not treat life carefully, then you simply are not responsible enough and do not deserve what you want to achieve.

Environment and Energy:

How is your house arranged?Is everything in order there or is it lying around anywhere, dirty or clean?

Do you have a lot of unnecessary things, such as clothes that you no longer wear?

If you have a car, is it clean or is it just another place to store junk?

Does the environment you live in make you feel good?

Does it replenish your energy or, on the contrary, drain it?

Finance:

Do you have extra debts?

Do you know how much you spend per month?

Are you earning as much as you want?

What is holding you back from increasing this amount?

Most people don't keep track of their spending, and some categories of spending, like food, can surprise you.

If the finances are not in order, then with any income, money may not be enough, and until you take full responsibility for this part of life, you will remain a slave to money.

Relations:

How do you rate your relationships with people? Is it a pleasant part of your life - or not?

Do you spend enough time on them?

Are you in an unhealthy relationship that has only been burdening you for a long time?

Are you sincere and honest in your dealings with people?

As with finances, people often go with the flow when it comes to relationships. But this is a very important part of life, which means that it is better to build it consciously.

Health:

Do you think about what foods you eat?

How does food affect other areas of your life?

Do you have an ideal body from your point of view? Is it healthy and lean enough?

Are you healthier now than three months ago?

Health is wealth, and if you spend all your time in bed, then what difference does it make how wonderfully organized your life is in other respects. At the same time, health is easy to start - start not getting enough sleep, using stimulants and eating low-quality food.

And the little things, as already mentioned, stick together in a snowball, and sooner or later it will catch up with you.

Soul:

Do you have meaning in life?

Are you resigned to life and death?

How much control do you have over your own future?

Death is not so terrible as, being on its threshold, to understand that you have never truly lived.

An orderly spiritual life allows you to understand what is worth and what is not worth wasting time on, to figure out what is really important and what can be relegated to the background.

Each person has a moral vector that guides his behavior, albeit not always clearly defined. For example, most people strive to be honest and good. However, until you develop a system for yourself, you will continue to face internal conflicts and sometimes act contrary to their values.

Time:

How much of the time do you really control?

Maybe you're wasting time on things you don't like?

Does everything you spend time on bring you closer to perfect image future?

Do you spend most of your time moving towards your own goals or someone else's?

Is there something extra in your life?

What part of the day do you waste?

What does your ideal day look like?

What tasks could you delegate or automate?

As long as you don't organize your time, it goes away.

For an organized person, time flows more slowly, richer, and he himself determines how he wants to fill this or that gap. Control time, don't follow it.

Drop everything and organize your life

Organized and aware of the circumstances (home environment, finances, relationships, goals and time) allows you to start building the future.

To get ahead quickly, you don't need to do more - first stop doing unnecessary things.

Let's say if you want to lose weight by giving up bad habits, you will achieve much better results than by starting to cultivate useful ones.

Before exercising, give up junk food, because until you stop harming your body, every step forward will be followed by two steps back.

Before you focus on increasing your earnings, cut your expenses - cut out the frills and learn to be content with what you have. Until that happens, you will continue to spend whatever you earn (or more).

It is a question of responsibility and organization. Rather than striving to get as much as possible, it is better to learn how to manage what you have wisely. Imagine that your life is a garden. What's the point of planting trees without preparing the soil and pulling out the weeds?

Why do most people fail to succeed? They cannot organize their lives: they are trying to earn more money, increase work productivity, or find new approach, but without organization, all this is in vain.

2. Plan for and invest in your future

“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best moment is now.” - Chinese proverb

To achieve an image of an ideal future, it is imperative to take the various fundamental areas of life and put them in order.

Very few consciously plan their lives. It is striking how small a percentage of Americans invest money - for example, most millennials are afraid of long-term investments and the stock market. Most Baby Boomers, on the other hand, never invested systematically, but supported the dependence of the American economy on consumption.

But remember that you have complete power over your life - you just need to decide to take the reins of power into your own hands. What does it mean? This means fixing or ending a problematic relationship and learning to let go of what feels like a waste of time to you. Make up your mind immediately.

"If you don't plan for anything, you plan to fail!" - Benjamin Franklin

First of all, forget about the question "what to do" - you should be interested in "why".

"Why" is the source of your motivation, and "what" is only its expression in the form concrete action. For example, my “why”: I want to help people understand their own lives and help them achieve their goals faster. The means can be anything - it can be blogging, raising children, studying, going to dinner, and so on.

Many people think that formulating their vision of the future means coming up with a precise plan for 20 years, but this is not so. The problem with this long-term approach is that sooner or later it will slow you down.

For example, Tim Ferris, instead of composing detailed plan, puts 3-6 monthly experiments on the topic of interest to him at the moment. At the same time, he says that he has absolutely no idea what the result of his experiments will be, and this illustrates the futility of long-term planning. While we never know what doors will open for us, he wants to be open to all possibilities.

However, his "why" does not change.

When you actively create in collaboration with other people, the whole becomes greater than the sum of its parts, so you can't plan everything. At some point, you will reach a level where your personal needs don't matter, because you will realize that with the help of others you can do things a thousand times more meaningful than alone.

Without expecting any definite result, you will be sure that everything will turn out the best way- such is the result of creativity and cooperation, and it surpasses the understanding and abilities of an individual. Human collaboration and synergy lead to innovation and ultimately move humanity forward. At the same time, the old rules are changing and the world is changing.

Invest in the future

Whenever you decide to give up immediate pleasure for long-term success, you are investing in the future. Most people don't succeed.

They are unable to purposefully invest resources in their finances, relationships, health and time. But, when you invest in yourself (and your future), you improve your future and present.

Thus, your life will get better and closer to the ideal image that you keep in your head.

3. Track results

Being organized and investing in the future is useless if you don't track the impact of your efforts.- This key aspects life, and they need to be controlled.

It's hard, and if you've ever tried it, you've probably given up after a few days.

Meanwhile, research has repeatedly shown that when a behavior is monitored and evaluated, it dramatically improves. If you're not tracking results in the areas that matter most to you, you're probably off track, and if you were honest with yourself, you'd be surprised how out of control your life is. As James Barry, the author of the Peter Pan story, wrote:

“The life of every person is a diary in which he is going to write one story, and writes another; and his most miserable hour is the one when he compares the scale of what he actually achieved with what he was going to do.

But I want to please you:when you get together, make a plan, and start tracking results, the changes you want come quickly.

First of all, prioritize. As Jim Collins said in Good to Great:

"If you have more than three priorities, you don't have any."

Priorities are what your life is built around, they should reflect your “why”, and not vice versa. It can be:

1. Relationships that are important to you;

2. Business and finance;

3. Self-improvement (for example, health or effective use time).

You choose your priorities, but I promise that when they are chosen and you begin to treat them consciously, you will be able to manage them, become more confident in yourself, and life will become easier.

Simplicity and organization will enhance the quality of your life; there will be more responsibility, but responsibility is the same as freedom.

4. Prayer

Nowadays, people spend their days in a bustle. Fuss, bustle, bustle. But no matter how you fuss, if you go the wrong way, it will not help at all. You will make mistakes, get up and make mistakes again, and so on ad infinitum.

The poet Thomas Merton once said:

“A man can spend his whole life climbing the ladder of success only to find, when he reaches the top, that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall.”

It happens - we are drowning in a swamp of trifles and realize too late that the goals we were striving for were strangers.

Therefore, it is necessary to set aside a significant part of the time for prayer.- this will help you see more clearly what is happening to you, and open your mind to the possibilities that elude you while you are immersed in the hustle and bustle.

For example, a few days ago I prayed all night, thought a lot, listened to uplifting music, and wrote in my diary. And after a few hours, a brilliant idea came to my mind.

In addition, during this time I understood something about relationships that were important to me, and immediately wrote letters to people I thought about. The result was an amazing collaboration experience.

Our thoughts have a very great power, they control not only you, but also the people around you.. If you think well of someone, his life becomes better. That's why people "send positive energy" or pray for others - it really works.

Your thoughts create endless waves of consequences around you.

If you make regular time to pray, the power of your thoughts will increase and interesting things will start to happen - if the idea of ​​a miracle scares you, think of it as good luck.

Whatever you call it, if you spend part of your time reflecting every day, good luck will not keep you waiting.

For example, during my recent deep dive into myself, one of my favorite authors stumbled upon my blog. He retweeted one of my articles and wrote a private message, and now we have become friends and chat on the phone for hours.

If you are skeptical about these ideas, just give it a try. Why do you think almost everyone does this in one form or another? successful people?

In addition to our world, there is another, higher one, and, having penetrated into it, you will receive unlimited possibilities.

And the only thing holding you back is your mind.

5. Move towards your goal every day

How many days ago did you last time did something to move towards your goal?

If we do not make a conscious effort, life with its little things overwhelms us, leaving no time for self-improvement and movement in the chosen direction, and soon, having grown old, we will turn back and ask ourselves where the time has gone.

Writer Harold Hill said:

“If you keep putting everything off until tomorrow, someday you will find that you have only a lot of empty yesterdays left.”

If you have managed to organize, plan, learn to track results and accustom yourself to prayer, the rest will follow automatically - you will be focused on the right things and you will be in a suitable state to carry out your plan.

It is better to do such important things in the morning, when you have the maximum volitional resource.

And remember: nothing gets done on its own, and by the end of the day you will run out of steam and get bogged down in small things. There are always a million reasons to put off something until tomorrow, except that tomorrow never comes.

So here is your mantra: unpleasant in the first place. Start the day with the most important thing, and repeat tomorrow.

And, if every day you take a step towards the goal, very soon you will find that it is not as far away as you thought.published

Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D. in industrial and organizational psychology at Clemson University, spoke about what prevents people from managing their own lives.

Although in flight there is turbulence and other troubles, due to which the aircraft does not fly exactly to the target 90% of the time, the vast majority of flights arrive at their destination on time.

The fact is that the flight is subject to certain rules, in addition, the navigation system has some inertia, and, as a result, the aircraft's course has to be constantly adjusted. However, when this happens in a timely manner, nothing terrible happens. If the correction is not made in time, a catastrophe can happen.

And so in everything - the little things, if they are not taken into account, stick together into a snowball. Ask yourself a few questions:

1. Organization of life

I am rather sloppy and not organized enough in many areas, and I don't think I'm alone in this, because we are all busy people.

Keeping everything in order is very difficult. In addition, you may not need order in all matters. On the other hand, if you remove the roughness, it will become easier to move forward. After all, we are constantly wasting energy, and if we take on too much - physically or emotionally - it is more difficult to go.

In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey says that some of our tasks are urgent and some are important. At the same time, most people prioritize urgent but small matters (for example, it can be answers to emails or some everyday worries).

Few organize their lives to prioritize what really matters - education, health, relationships with a partner, travel, and their long-term goals.

No one but you will take care of your success - if you do not treat life carefully, then you simply are not responsible enough and do not deserve what you want to achieve.

environment and energy

• How is your house arranged? Is everything in order there or is it lying around anywhere, dirty or clean?
• Do you have a lot of unnecessary things, such as clothes that you no longer wear?
• If you have a car, is it clean or is it just another place to store junk?
• Does the environment you live in make you feel good? Does it replenish your energy or, on the contrary, drain it?

Finance

• Do you have extra debts?
• Do you know how much you spend per month?
• Are you earning as much as you want?
• What is holding you back from increasing this amount?

Most people don't keep track of their expenses, and some categories of spending, such as food, may surprise you unpleasantly.

If the finances are not in order, then with any income, money may not be enough, and until you take full responsibility for this part of life, you will remain a slave to money.

Relations

• How do you rate your relationships with people? Is it a pleasant part of your life - or not?
• Do you spend enough time on them?
• Are you in an unhealthy relationship that has only been burdening you for a long time?
• Are you sincere and honest in your dealings with people?

As with finances, people often go with the flow when it comes to relationships. But this is a very important part of life, which means that it is better to build it consciously.

Health

• Do you think about what foods you eat?
• How does food affect other areas of your life?
• Do you have an ideal body from your point of view? Is it healthy and lean enough?
• Are you healthier now than three months ago?

Health is wealth, and if you spend all your time in bed, then what difference does it make how wonderfully organized your life is in other respects. At the same time, health is easy to start - start not getting enough sleep, using stimulants and eating low-quality food.

And the little things, as already mentioned, stick together in a snowball, and sooner or later it will catch up with you.

Soul

• Do you have meaning in life?
• Are you resigned to life and death?
• How much control do you have over your own future?

Death is not so terrible as, being on its threshold, to understand that you have never truly lived.

An orderly spiritual life allows you to understand what is worth and what is not worth wasting time on, to figure out what is really important and what can be relegated to the background.

Each person has a moral vector that guides his behavior, albeit not always clearly defined. For example, most people strive to be honest and good. However, until you develop a system for yourself, you will continue to face internal conflicts and sometimes act contrary to your values.

Time

• How much of the time do you really control?
• Maybe you're wasting time on things you don't like?
• Does everything you spend time on bring you closer to your ideal image of the future?
• Do you spend most of your time moving towards your own goals or someone else's?
• Is there something extra in your life?
• What part of the day do you waste?
• What does your ideal day look like?
• What tasks could you delegate or automate?

As long as you don't organize your time, it goes away.

For an organized person, time flows more slowly, richer, and he himself determines how he wants to fill this or that gap. Control time, don't follow it.

Drop everything and organize your life

Organized and aware of the circumstances (home environment, finances, relationships, goals and time) allows you to start building the future.

To get ahead quickly, you don't need to do more - first stop doing unnecessary things.

Let's say if you want to lose weight by giving up bad habits, you will achieve much better results than by starting to cultivate good ones.

Before exercising, give up junk food, because until you stop harming your body, every step forward will be followed by two steps back.

Before you focus on increasing your earnings, cut your expenses - cut out the frills and learn to be content with what you have. Until that happens, you will continue to spend whatever you earn (or more).

It is a question of responsibility and organization. Rather than striving to get as much as possible, it is better to learn how to manage what you have wisely. Imagine that your life is a garden. What's the point of planting trees without preparing the soil and pulling out the weeds?

Why do most people fail to succeed? They cannot organize their lives: they try to earn more money, increase productivity or find a new approach, but without organization, all this is in vain.

2. Plan for and invest in your future

“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best moment is now.” - Chinese proverb

To achieve an image of an ideal future, it is imperative to take the various fundamental areas of life and put them in order.

Very few consciously plan their lives. It is striking how small a percentage of Americans invest money - for example, most millennials are afraid of long-term investments and the stock market. Most Baby Boomers, on the other hand, never invested systematically, but supported the dependence of the American economy on consumption.

But remember that you have complete power over your life - you just need to decide to take the reins of power into your own hands. What does it mean? This means fixing or ending a problematic relationship and learning to let go of what feels like a waste of time to you. Make up your mind immediately.

"If you don't plan for anything, you plan to fail!" - Benjamin Franklin

First of all, forget about the question "what to do" - you should be interested in "why".

“Why” is the source of your motivation, and “what” is only its expression in the form of specific actions. For example, my “why”: I want to help people understand their own lives and help them achieve their goals faster. The means can be anything - it can be blogging, raising children, studying, going to dinner, and so on.

Many people think that formulating their vision of the future means coming up with a precise plan for 20 years, but this is not so. The problem with this long-term approach is that sooner or later it will slow you down.

For example, Tim Ferris, instead of making a detailed plan, puts 3-6 monthly experiments on a topic that interests him at the moment. At the same time, he says that he has absolutely no idea what the result of his experiments will be, and this illustrates the futility of long-term planning. While we never know what doors will open for us, he wants to be open to all possibilities.

However, his "why" does not change.

When you actively create in collaboration with other people, the whole becomes greater than the sum of its parts, so you can't plan everything. At some point, you will reach a level where your personal needs don't matter, because you will realize that with the help of others you can do things a thousand times more meaningful than alone.

Without expecting any definite result, you will be sure that everything will turn out for the best - such is the result of creativity and cooperation, and it exceeds the understanding and abilities of an individual. Human collaboration and synergy lead to innovation and ultimately move humanity forward. At the same time, the old rules are changing and the world is changing.

Invest in the future

Whenever you decide to give up immediate pleasure for long-term success, you are investing in the future. Most people don't succeed.

They are unable to purposefully invest resources in their finances, relationships, health and time. But, when you invest in yourself (and your future), you improve your future and present.

Thus, your life will get better and closer to the ideal image that you keep in your head.

3. Track results

Being organized and investing in the future is worthless if you don't track the impact of your efforts - these are the most important aspects of life and need to be controlled.

It's hard, and if you've ever tried it, you've probably given up after a few days.

Meanwhile, research has repeatedly shown that when a behavior is monitored and evaluated, it dramatically improves.

If you're not tracking results in the areas that matter most to you, you're probably off track, and if you were honest with yourself, you'd be surprised how out of control your life is. As James Barry, the author of the Peter Pan story, wrote:

“The life of every person is a diary in which he is going to write one story, and writes another; and his most miserable hour is the one when he compares the scale of what he actually achieved with what he was going to do.

But I want to please you: when you get together, make a plan and start tracking results, the desired changes come quickly.

First of all, prioritize. As Jim Collins said in Good to Great:

"If you have more than three priorities, you don't have any."

Priorities are what your life is built around, they should reflect your “why”, and not vice versa. It can be:

1. Relationships that are important to you
2. Business and Finance;
3. Self-improvement (for example, health or efficient use of time).

You choose your priorities, but I promise that when they are chosen and you begin to treat them consciously, you will be able to manage them, become more confident in yourself, and life will become easier.

Simplicity and organization will enhance the quality of your life; there will be more responsibility, but responsibility is the same as freedom.

4. Prayer and meditation

Nowadays, people spend their days in a bustle. Fuss, bustle, bustle. But no matter how you fuss, if you go the wrong way, it will not help at all. You will make mistakes, get up and make mistakes again, and so on ad infinitum. The poet Thomas Merton once said:

"A man may spend his whole life climbing the ladder of success, and peaks find that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall."

It happens - we are drowning in a swamp of trifles and realize too late that the goals we were striving for were strangers.

Therefore, you need to set aside a significant part of the time for meditation or prayer - this will help you see more clearly what is happening to you and open your mind to opportunities that elude you while you are immersed in fuss.

For example, a few days ago I prayed all night, thought a lot, listened to uplifting music, and wrote in my diary. And after a few hours, a brilliant idea came to my mind.

In addition, during this time I understood something about relationships that were important to me, and immediately wrote letters to people I thought about. The result was an amazing collaboration experience.

Our thoughts have a very great power, they control not only you, but also the people around you. If you think well of someone, his life becomes better. That's why people "send positive energy" or pray for others - it really works.

Your thoughts create endless waves of consequences around you.

If you make regular time to pray or meditate, the power of your thoughts will increase and interesting things will begin to happen - if the idea of ​​a miracle scares you, think of it as good luck.

Whatever you call it, if you spend part of your time reflecting every day, good luck will not keep you waiting.

For example, during my recent deep dive into myself, one of my favorite authors stumbled upon my blog. He retweeted one of my articles and wrote a private message, and now we have become friends and chat on the phone for hours.

If you are skeptical about these ideas, just give it a try. Why do you think almost all successful people practice these things in one form or another?

In addition to our world, there is another, higher one, and, having penetrated into it, you will receive unlimited possibilities.

And the only thing holding you back is your mind.

5. Move towards your goal every day

How many days ago was the last time you did something to move towards your goal?

If we do not make a conscious effort, life with its little things overwhelms us, leaving no time for self-improvement and movement in the chosen direction, and soon, having grown old, we will turn back and ask ourselves where the time has gone. Writer Harold Hill said:

“If you keep putting everything off until tomorrow, someday you will find that you have only a lot of empty yesterdays left.”

If you manage to get organized, make a plan, learn to track results, and accustom yourself to prayer or meditation, the rest will follow automatically - you will be focused on the right things and will be in the right state to accomplish your plan.

It is better to do such important things in the morning, when you have the maximum volitional resource.

And remember: nothing gets done on its own, and by the end of the day you will run out of steam and get bogged down in small things. There are always a million reasons to put off something until tomorrow, except that tomorrow never comes.

So here's your mantra: the unpleasant first. Start the day with the most important thing, and repeat tomorrow.

And, if every day you take a step towards the goal, very soon you will find that it is not as far away as you thought.

Prepared by Taya Aryanova

Feel like everything is under control

In we discussed an experiment in which dogs were given electric shocks and were artificially rendered helpless as a result. This is precisely the experience that helped to establish that if an individual does not have control over the situation, he sinks into depression, feels like a loser and can no longer take a hit.

When you can change something, influence the course of events, make something happen, you have the very foundation that allows the brain to feel in control of the situation. A person comes into the world with a desire to control, and if he loses this opportunity, he becomes unhappy, helpless, loses hope and sinks into depression.

A special study was conducted, during which the patients of the nursing home were divided into two groups: with a high and low degree of control. They were given houseplant. The high control group was told that they were to take care of the plant, while the low control group was told that the plant would be looked after by staff. 30% of the members of the low control group died at the end of the experiment, while the percentage of deaths in the high control group was half that.

A follow-up study confirmed the results. Now the researchers went to another nursing home and paired off college students and patients at home. One group of elderly subjects (with a low degree of control) could not influence the time of student visits, the students themselves set suitable date. The highly controlled group could tell students when to come. After two months, subjects in the high control group were much happier, healthier, more active, and on less medication than subjects in the low control group.

If feeling in control of a house plant can prolong life, imagine the effect on happiness, confidence, and resilience that feeling in control of more important things will have.

Internal and external locus of control

In the 1950s, psychologist Julian Rotter theorized that a person's behavior could be explained by the type of locus of control he had: internal or external. Locus in Latin means "place", and this category reveals what controls the personality: internal (internal) or external (external) factors. People with an internal locus of control believe that their behavior is controlled by their own actions and decisions. People with an external locus of control believe that their behavior is controlled by fate, luck, and other external factors. Usually people do not go to extremes, just categories represent opposite ends sticks. Locus of control influences behavior.

People with an internal locus of control:

• confident that they can be successful;
• leaders by nature (manage people with an external locus of control);
• are better able to control their behavior;
• study a lot;
• take responsibility for their actions;
• deal with stress better
• use life's trials to become stronger;
• turn change to their advantage;
• worse obey the authorities.

People with an external locus of control:

• feel like a victim
• blame everyone but themselves;
• want to be led to the goal;
• avoid responsibility;
• more prone to stress, anxiety and depression.

Individuals with an internal locus of control are achievement-oriented and are more likely to achieve professional and academic success. They believe that they are in control of their own destiny, they boldly accept the challenge, while people with an external locus of control are more likely to say: “Why bother? It doesn't matter what I do anyway." People who believe that their lives are controlled by external forces behave in ways that confirm their own theory. People who know they can improve their lives behave accordingly.

There are plenty of locus of control tests online, so if you're interested, google it and take a look. Although this is already quite obvious.

Stop being a victim and start taking control of your life

In men, the internal locus of control is much more common than in women, which is why they strive for constant control over their destiny and are directly associated with power. However, various stresses and global crises can change the natural behavior of men, who may begin to believe that outside forces influence their lives. Today, everything is not our fault, but rather the result of social illness, addiction or chemical imbalance. At least we feel comfortable doing so.

The good news is that one locus of control can change to another, for example, from external to internal. Rotter justified his ideas of locus of control with the following theory: the likelihood that a person will act depends on how he evaluates a particular outcome and how much he believes that the action will produce a result.

If to speak in simple words, we blame others and play the victim when we don't believe we can fix the problem on our own.

Unstable people constantly refer to the many different "if only ..." These guys say that they would be who they want, "if they had time to train." “If my wife didn’t put so much pressure on me.” "If only my boss would stop being an idiot." They constantly put off their happiness, waiting for the right circumstances or people to come and do everything for them.

Where is the truth? People do not change. And if you want to be happy just start taking control of your life. If you allow your co-workers/friends/girlfriend to "make" you feel bad, you can stop it by being proactive.

A resilient person understands that the only thing he can control is himself. Only he can change circumstances and only he can control how to respond to stimuli. Circumstances do not dictate to you how to live - you dictate. A resilient person does not wait for someone to solve his problem, he always tries to do it himself.

Learn to solve problems

The key to taking control of your life lies in developing your problem-solving skills. When you learn to solve problems, you will become more confident and believe that you can take on any challenge that life throws at you. To learn how to solve problems, there are three different methods.

Analytical problem solving

We as men should aspire to this method. Here we need logic, analysis and reason. What steps should be taken?

1. Understand exactly what the problem is. Ask questions, think, observe. Find out as much information as you can about what's going on.
2. Ask yourself: "What do I want?" What is your desired outcome?
3. Consider two or more possible ways problem solving. Weigh all the pros and cons of each of them.
4. Take action. Make a decision and start implementing it.
5. See what the effect is. What helped? What didn't help?
6. Learn from reviews. So you can find an even more effective approach in the future.
7. Modify your efforts.

The analytical way of solving problems is good, for example, to keep finances under control. If you feel that everything is sinking, sit down, calculate the debit with the credit, add and subtract - calculate yourself a new budget.

Practical problem solving

There are people who learn life from books and those who learn life on the street. Ideally, it is better, of course, to combine both. Practical problem solving is to not let your emotions consume you when you are faced with difficulties. Such people do not get angry and do not focus on the question of the series: “Well, why should it be me?” Studies conducted on a group of people who survive in extreme situations have shown that instead of trying to challenge reality and come to terms with it, they embrace everything that happens. You can scream, "This shouldn't be happening!" whatever, but already happening. And you'll have to do something about it.

Those who solve problems in a practical way begin immediately to work on finding solutions. They choose action over words and introspection. They prepare for the coming hardships because they know that if they are prepared, they will have nothing to fear.

creative solution problems

When we talk about resilience, perhaps the most important ability is to get creative. Creative problem solving is the ability to think outside the box, spontaneously find solutions and generate new ideas that have not been tried before.

Creative problem solving is vital because resilience comes from the ability to embrace change positively. And the world is constantly changing. Resilient people are the first to try new things, while fickle people get scared and shunned.

Unstable people build their happiness on stability. They create a certain order for themselves and never leave their comfort zone. When they are forced to deal with a new reality, their world simply falls apart, and it is very difficult for them to adapt to the new order of things. They try to do things the old way in the new conditions, they fail, they are depressed. It's like sticking a square part into a triangular hole - a useless and fruitless process.

They cannot adapt to new reality because they don't want to. They close their eyes, and for them new information that literally climbs into their eyes does not matter, they refuse to change their minds. "My child does not take drugs." "My girlfriend is not cheating on me." "I won't be cut." These people are always the last to know. They refuse to believe the truth that is right under their noses, and then suddenly they are faced with hard facts and they can't do anything about it.

There are companies that have existed for many years thanks to the fact that they keep up with progress. They don't try to do business the way they did 30 years ago. If they had tried, they would not have survived. You can act like people from the past who said that television will not displace radio in any way, but you can be creative in everything and remain modern.

How to learn to solve problems in a creative way? Be curious.

Creative people maintain a childlike curiosity. Do you remember how, as a child, you explored the world, asked questions, leafed through book after book? Adults who retain their childish curiosity are still surprised by new things at work and receive from the world. new information. They are reading. They ask questions. "What's happening?" "How it works?" "What do people feel?" "What are they all thinking about?"

Creative people open to everything new and constantly absorb information. They let it flow into their brains and look at things without labeling them as good or bad. They don't think like, "This is a bad idea." "These people are crazy." "That's the way to do it."

It doesn't mean that creative person has no opinion and believes in everything, regardless of whether it is right or wrong. This means that he wants to know how things work, just to know it. He believes that any knowledge is useful, regardless of whether you agree with it or not. They remember everything, believing that you never know when you will need this or that knowledge, from which you will enjoy.

When you saturate your mind with information and experience, then they come to your mind at the right time and completely unexpectedly. You can brush your teeth and come up with a new business idea at the same time.

Creative people understand that inspiration can come from anywhere, just like ideas and problem solving. But they know these things won't come to mind if you keep doing the same thing and don't feed your brain. Watch new movies, travel, listen to music, read different books, visit museums, go out into nature, meet new people. You can look at an incomprehensible avant-garde picture and suddenly realize why you are constantly arguing with your girlfriend - this is a strange mechanism.

Apply these principles to life

Are you still waiting for the bus that will take you to a happy future? Do you feel like a small cog in a machine? Do you expect other people to make you happy? Do you check your mail a hundred times a day in the hope that there will be something that will change your life?

Stop relying on someone else. It's time to take control of your life. Instead of being a passenger on a ship, become its captain.

When life is full of discord, it's difficult. It's the same as if each musician of the orchestra played his own melody. The sounds would not be like music. You have to be the conductor and make every instrument sound right to create something beautiful.

Start with a list of the things you are unhappy with in your life. Pick one problem, come up with a plan to solve it, and take action to fix it. All you need for this is a pen and a notepad. And do not get up until you remember everything to the smallest detail. Once you have a plan, stick to it with extreme precision. If nothing can be changed in the situation, work on your perception. Don't let other people define your feelings. Control your emotions, decide for yourself what you should feel - that's what men do.

When you successfully solve one problem, you will be more self-confident and gain experience in getting out of difficult situations. You will gain a sense of control over your life, you will become more resilient and self-confident. And so endlessly.

Your life is moving. And you can control it. It often seems that there is no way out, but there is one and it is in action. Do it, don't wait. Go ahead and do it dude.