Excellence complex. What is it? Is this good or bad? And let's deal with it.

Some women do everything perfectly all their lives, confirming the fact that you are the best. This applies to all spheres of life: personal, business, social, and sexual. Their lives are continuous aptitude tests. This is the essence of the excellent student complex. The A student complex is a psychological problem associated not only with the control of one's life, but also with the desire to control everything and everyone in a row. How else? If you are doing something great, then you think others should do the same.

How to get rid of the excellent student complex?

Let's look at the image of an excellent woman. At first glance, it seems that everything is great in her life. She is an excellent hostess: her house is clean and tidy, she cooks well, and even sews, knits and embroiders. She is the most wonderful mother: she scolds when necessary and strokes her head. She is a wonderful wife and. In addition, she succeeds in her career. Perfect Look, is not it? Everyone would like this...

On the other hand, can you imagine how much work you need to invest in something in order to do it one hundred percent? How much effort you need to make, so that, God forbid, you don’t disappoint someone, and so that they don’t say that she’s not so good at something! And than more problems, so with great effort it is necessary to solve them. It's like walking up to the 28th floor. I tried, but on the eleventh, for some reason, my legs categorically stopped walking: my breath got lost, my muscles twitched out of habit, I had to stop and look for an elevator. The same thing happens here. From overexertion, a nervous breakdown, mental disorder, stroke and other unpleasant moments can occur. So, by the age of thirty you can play in the "box".

Where does the "legs grow" from this problem? As often happens, all the problems from childhood. Often it is the fault of the parents who wanted to see in their daughter what they might not have been able to do themselves. They assigned the baby many different responsibilities. And the girl tried to justify them, to be always good, afraid to upset them. So a woman has grown up who solves all her personal and financial problems herself. In her soul there was a fear of disappointing herself and others, the fear that she would not be able to cope with some kind of problem.

As psychologists say, the eternal striving for perfection is already a disease that scientific language It's called perfectionism perfect woman can be called a perfectionist. A woman thinks that she is “perfection itself”, but in fact she hides self-doubt, which she successfully disguises as a successful woman, afraid to disappoint everyone. She wants to be useful and in demand by everyone, and without this she cannot imagine life, therefore she draws on everyone and everything, finding satisfaction only when they turn to her for help. From this, such women have only the appearance of success. Often, she also pulls on her husband-loser, who has no choice but to burn life next to such a wife. But such a psychological load at some point may turn out to be excessive, and here you can not do without the help of a specialist. But, as they say, if you don’t help yourself, no one will help you. Therefore, before it's too late, let's look at ways to get out of a state of tension on our own.

How to get rid of the excellent student complex?

1. Accept yourself for who you are: with your strengths and weaknesses. Accept the fact that the people closest to you love you the same way. Feel free to show them your weakness, especially your husband. Don't put yourself on a pedestal and don't act like a superwoman. Remember that you are somewhere in the depths of your soul a fragile and tender creature that needs to be protected, groomed and cherished, and when to do this if not on vacation?

2. Now the most important thing is to arrange a rest for ourselves. We move away from home, change the environment in order to break out of the boundaries of domestic life. Ride alone or with a friend. You are probably thinking: “How can I leave my husband and children? Who will prepare food for them, wash and iron their clothes, collect them for school and work, and clean the apartment? And at work? How is there a new contract without me? Do not be afraid, it will be useful for your children and husband to remain alone - to learn a little independent life. And the work will not go anywhere, there will be enough for your share. So pack your suitcase and go to the sea, the sun, joyful emotions!

3. Now imagine yourself in 10 years. Do you have something to remember besides laundry, cleaning, cooking, diapers? If you have not forgotten what romantic evenings are, dancing until the morning, crazy ideas and deeds, then you have not lost everything. What if you forgot? When did your husband give you flowers for no reason other than your birthday and March 8th? Where is your passion in life? When you babysit your grandchildren, what will you remember? Probably about how you were afraid to be late for work, afraid to leave your children and husband without breakfast? So let's start changing our lives, let you be 25, 35 or 45.

4. Look around. How long have you noticed the birds singing in the trees when you were running to work? How long have you rested your eyes on the sky, rejoicing in the sun? Inhale deeply. There are so many interesting things in the world! And it doesn't compare to your Home-Work-Home routine. Get busy, or are you so carried away by solving other people's problems that you have already forgotten that you yourself can have a favorite thing? What did you dream about in life? So how did your dream come true? Maybe remember her and take a step towards her? In short, remember what you enjoyed and do it. Try right now.

The complex of an excellent student is far from the best thing that can be in your life. Answer the question honestly for yourself: did everything you did in life come easily and immediately or with great difficulty? Relax a little, try to get the most out of life, and tension will begin to leave your life, even relationships with loved ones will change - they will become warmer, and will come much faster than you usually did.

free book

How to drive a man crazy in just 7 days

Hurry up and catch the goldfish

In order to get a free book, enter the data in the form below and click the "Get the book" button.

Is she always the first? Does she feel bad if her work is not evaluated with the highest rating? Do you think she is a person who strives for leadership, and there are no barriers for her? You are wrong. She is just an unhappy woman who suffers from the so-called "A student complex". They are also called "Miss Perfect".

Psychologists say that men are not subject to such a complex, so only women become its “victims”. They want perfection in everything related to the performance of any task or work. If this is cleaning in an apartment or house, then all kinds of cleaning products will be used for this. Everything should shine and be done perfectly!

Why does the "excellent student complex" arise?

The "complex of an excellent student", like all other complexes, is laid down in childhood. It can be caused by excessive demands and tasks. For example, if any four in the diary caused disappointment in the parents, then the development of an "excellent student complex" in a girl is inevitable.

As a rule, such girls, and later women, have low self-esteem. They are afraid to disappoint their parents and lose their love for themselves. Therefore, they strive by all means to win parental respect and love. This desire extends to everyone around.

Oksana Barkova, psychotherapist, gestalt psychologist:

“A 34-year-old woman came to the consultation with complaints of chronic fatigue and unwillingness to do anything. She was the head of the department in big company who built houses. For 8 years of work, the woman has achieved a lot in the professional and financial sphere of her life. But my personal life was not successful, there was no time, I didn’t like anyone, my views or values ​​didn’t match. When they began to understand in more detail, they came to excessive demands on themselves and on people, on the desire for everything to be “perfect”. The woman was very exhausted, forced to be in tension and constant dissatisfaction.

It turned out that her mother was always strict with her and praised for achievements and criticized for "mistakes". A woman in the process of psychotherapy realized that a softer and loving attitude to myself reduces the level of anxiety and delivers more joy and pleasure, I learned to notice my needs and regulate boundaries, I have more strength and desire to live. I met a young man and began to build relationships.

Excellence at work and at home

A woman can suffer from an “excellent student complex”, regardless of what industry she works in, what lifestyle she leads, what position she occupies in society. The excellent student complex is imprinted on her personal life. Unfortunately, these women are very lonely. They choose those applicants for their hand and heart, whom they rated with the highest score. The rest of them are simply unworthy. They try to be "excellent" in bed too. And this is wrong! After all, the main thing here is sincere feelings, and not an excellent knowledge of sexual positions. Such women do not attract, but, on the contrary, scare away men with their abnormal desire for purity and perfection.

How to deal with the complex and should it be done?

Usually, women do not notice the "complex of an excellent student" behind them and cannot get rid of it on their own. However, the “complex of an excellent student” must be fought. After all, it prevents you from enjoying life, and often poisons the lives of those around you: colleagues, friends and closest people.

The first step to getting rid of the complex will be the understanding that everything can’t be “on the top five”, and you need to come to terms with this and concentrate on positive moments, and not get hung up on problems. It is important to prioritize and understand what is important to you and requires maximum effort, and what is not of fundamental importance. To get rid of the A student complex, it is also very important to work with self-esteem. Self-confidence training would be helpful, as well as individual work with a psychologist. The fundamental point is self-acceptance, awareness of their positive and negative qualities. Often the complex makes women dissatisfied with their appearance, does not allow them to notice its merits. A body psychologist works with this problem, which helps to learn how to live in harmony with your body.

Like any other psychological problem, you can get rid of the "complex of an excellent student".

Perfectionism, also called an excellent student complex, is a set of personality traits that makes a person demanding of himself, striving for permanent job over oneself, to the achievement of the ideal, perfection, impeccability. Perfectionists do not tolerate their own flaws and the imperfection of the world around them. People with an excellent student complex are demanding, ambitious, purposeful, hardworking. Perfectionism is a complex psychological phenomenon that has both positive and negative sides.

Advantages and disadvantages of perfectionism
Perfectionism is the engine of development, achievement of a level of mastery in one's business, an incentive for professional growth. Many geniuses of science and culture made their discoveries, wrote great paintings, musical works, novels, bringing them to perfection. Perhaps, without a critical assessment of their work, writers, artists, musicians and scientists would not have given the world a single brilliant creation.
On the one hand, perfectionism gives rise to self-criticism, diligence, a desire to be perfect in one's work, while constantly learning, developing and growing above oneself. People with an excellent student complex, thanks to hard work and talent, achieve significant professional and personal heights. The motto of perfectionists is the phrase: "There are no limits to perfection!".
On the other hand, the owner of an excellent student complex can be a person who is too demanding not only to himself, but also to others. Tediousness, abstruseness, captiousness, irritability - the reverse side of a brilliant medal called "Perfectionism".
What causes perfectionism? Excessive self-criticism, when a person scolds himself for a minor mistake or blunder, leads to the emergence of the so-called “excellent student complex”.
In school years, teachers and parents instill in the child the desire for knowledge, for academic success, for excellent grades. As a result, there are students who get upset if they receive a mark of "good" instead of "excellent". The child perceives this as a personal defeat, his self-esteem drops, and the desire to try further may disappear. A student with an excellent student complex is constantly tense, focused, subject to fear of failure.
External control adults for the achievement of excellent results of the child is transformed into the internal self-control of a mature personality who strives to be an "excellent student" in all areas of life and acquires a complex.
Perfectionism is paradoxical: it simultaneously gives rise to a person's desire to develop, and reduces the effectiveness of his activity in case of failure. The result of the work of a perfectionist can be both an excellent result, and its complete absence.

The complex of an excellent student leads to the following negative consequences:

Recommendations for people with an excess of perfectionism:
Valuelessness. When adults suffer from the need to receive only the perfect results of their work, the principle takes place: the love and recognition of loved ones can only be received by earning an excellent mark. It is important to understand that true love is priceless. You need to learn to love yourself without judgment. Every person deserves love and respect for their personality as such, regardless of victories and achievements.

Ideals and comparisons. Learn to see the ideal as a role model, not a goal. Understand and accept your uniqueness, leave yourself and other people the right to be yourself. Compare yourself in the present with yourself in the desired future, and not with other people.
Priorities. A person with an honors complex will be helped by the ability to set goals correctly, determine a satisfactory desired end result of work, distinguish tasks by importance, and correctly prioritize.

positive reinforcement. Individuals with obvious perfectionism need to be able to grab themselves for the result achieved, even if it is not perfect. It should be understood that errors normal stages in achieving results, and not scold yourself for them.

Rest. The human body cannot work as a soulless mechanism; it needs to rest and relax if a person wants to maintain physical and psychological health.
It is extremely useful for people with excessive perfectionism to be able to enjoy life without trying to make it better, to have hobbies or hobbies for the soul. You need to love yourself and accept the world around you as it is!

Ilya Bazenkov

Some parents believe that children
like vessels you can fill with your own
unfulfilled dreams and aspirations.
Michael Nichols (psychologist)

The essence of the syndrome (complex) of an excellent student is not to always do everything perfectly, but that the main need is to get good grades from others.

One of the frequently encountered requests to psychologists: how to get rid of the excellent student complex?

How to stop wanting to be good for everyone in order to get good mark myself?

Let's first understand why it occurs. How parents and other adults create an excellent student syndrome in a child.

A necessary condition for getting rid of the excellent student syndrome is the awareness of its causes.

So how do adults contribute to the formation of this syndrome?

The child came from school.

How are you doing in school?
- I got a four in history today.
- How? Why four and not five? You upset me. But Petya only gets fives.

The child put things in order in his room.

Why didn't you put this book on the shelf? I'm dissatisfied with you.

The teenager washed the dishes, but the trouble is that there is a stain on one plate.

Badly! All dishes should shine! You made me very sad.

And there is something else.
From day to day, adults instill in the child that he must always be good for everyone, always go towards others in order to get a good assessment of himself.

So parents and other adults contribute to the formation of the syndrome (complex) of an excellent student in children. And with the best of intentions. After all, they want the child to grow up successful, cope well with his duties, do everything well and be no worse, or even better than others.

Studies show that a predisposition to the syndrome of an excellent student can also be congenital, associated with the type of temperament, individual psychophysiological characteristics of a person.

But it arises in childhood as a result of communication between adults (primarily parents) and children. And if in childhood and adolescence the syndrome of an excellent student is often not noticed and even welcomed by the adults surrounding the child, then in the future it brings significant disharmony to a person’s life.

MAIN SIGNS OF A SYNDROME

Hypersensitivity to criticism, even if it is minor;
- constant fear of failure, often leading to the abandonment of any activity due to fear of not coping;
- the tendency to often compare oneself with others, to be jealous when they praise not him, but another;
- unstable self-esteem, highly dependent on the opinions of others;
- the very first failure can cause a depressive mood and a refusal to continue trying to continue doing something;
- stuck on the experiences of their failures, even minor ones;
- Constant need to justify the expectations of others.

Of course, the severity of the syndrome of an excellent student is different. In extreme pathological cases, it is not so common. But even moderately expressed, it still complicates life, leads to a limitation of one's own capabilities and difficulties in relationships.

TYPICAL PREREQUISITES FOR THE FORMATION OF THE SYNDROME OF THE EXCELLENT STUDENT

1. The often repeated belief that love must be earned. good deeds. And the more “correct” you are, the more you will be loved.

2. One or even several close adult pathological perfectionists who seek to raise a child in their own image and likeness.

3. Frequent and strong censure of the child for mistakes and failures. Pushing him to excessive self-criticism, to a style of thinking according to the principle - “if he had done the right thing, then everything would have been fine”, “if he had tried, then everything would have worked out”, “if he had thought carefully, everything would have turned out differently” .

4. Too high demands on the child. Parents expect "perfection" from him.

The formation of an excellent student complex occurs in childhood, and most often begins to manifest itself in early adolescence.

Sometimes the excellent student syndrome is confused with moderate perfectionism - the desire for perfect result. Indeed, extreme perfectionism and the A student syndrome coexist.
But perfectionism, naturally, not expressed in a pathological form, can be quite normal - a person tries to do everything well, to achieve the best result.

And the “excellent student” is not concerned about the result itself, but about the grade that he will receive, he always needs a five in his life. And as a result, there is a shift in the goal from the result to the assessment of this result by others.

People who suffer from an excellent student complex often turn into a twitchy neurotic who is very uncomfortable living. He constantly worries about failures, both imaginary and real. The meaning of his life is to be an excellent student, to get fives at any cost, to fight for them. And if there is a risk of getting a different assessment, then he may not take on something, refuse to implement his plans, ideas, and even career aspirations due to fear of failure.

Yes, and those around him are not easy. How to live and communicate with a person who reacts painfully to any criticism, up to depression? And praise of other people makes him jealous.

Alas, the pursuit of results in studies, expressed not in knowledge, but in grades; vanity of parents; the perseverance of teachers in the struggle for academic performance all this creates fertile ground for the cultivation of the syndrome of an excellent student. Of course, not all children and adolescents acquire this syndrome, even if the environment contributes to this. Much depends on the innate properties of the individual.

A child with a strong type of higher nervous activity is more stable, a teenager can resist through typical teenage reactions, so much so that the surrounding adults "do not seem a little".
But there are many people who suffer from an excellent student complex. Even in a mild form, it brings disharmony into the life of both the person himself and those around him.

There is a persistent myth in society that school grades are an indicator of a person's intelligence and his further professional success. BUT THIS IS NOT SO!

These facts are confirmed by hundreds of studies conducted in different countries:

1. School performance is not an indicator of a person's further success.

2.School performance is not an indicator of intelligence.

Recent research in high school Economics have shown that the professional success of graduates does not depend on their grades during their studies. See the article on our website

It was said above that the predisposition to the syndrome (complex) of an excellent student can be congenital. But often parents who themselves suffer from an excellent student complex pass it on to their children through upbringing, projecting their own fears of receiving a negative assessment for their child. In this case, the parents have an excellent student complex manifested in fears of not looking like an "ideal parent" in the eyes of others, primarily teachers.

There is a continuous struggle for academic performance, where the main importance is attached to grades, and not to the child's own knowledge and interests. Often this applies not only to school grades, but also to other aspects of life. The main thing is to look appropriate in the eyes of others.

And it’s hard to deal with the acquired complex of an excellent student, so people live under this burden - increased sensitivity to critical remarks, touchiness, dependence on the opinions of others, who are always afraid not to get an “A” (and because of this often refuse some of their intentions and desires).

So is it worth it, dear parents, to demand from the child that he always receive only five? Always lived up to the expectations of others? But sometimes it happens when close adults, because of some, in their opinion, the failure of the child, begin to "blackmail" him with their health. "Ah, your grades make my heart ache," says loving mother or a grandmother, not even suspecting what she forms in a child with these words.

And, in the end, what is more important to you? The health and mental well-being of the child, harmony in relations with him or the number of fives in the diary, especially since they do not determine the success of a person.

Often parents like the A student syndrome, although they are unaware of its existence. Really, what else do you need? The child is obedient, studies well, sincerely worries if something does not work out for him. Dream, not a child! And adults are unaware that the most important thing for a child is not the result of his activity, but the desire to be good and “approved”. And he has a feeling that they love him only for the “five”, and not himself. Make a mistake - lose love.

There is a fear of making a mistake, making the wrong choice. And this fear is often fixed for life, along with self-doubt and fears of “looking wrong”, “doing wrong” and even “thinking wrong”. In extreme cases, the fear of making mistakes can turn into a real phobia.

In his life, a person with an excellent student complex experiences a feeling of insecurity, it is difficult for him to build open relationships with other people, it often seems to him that he may turn out to be worse than the expectations of others.

A person who was told in childhood that he was loved only for good grades, for obedience, for some successes and achievements, in later life it will seem that someone needs him only because he meets the expectations of others. Hence the low or unstable self-esteem, the feeling that he is not loved and appreciated, not recognized.

There is an unwillingness to fail, fear of difficulties and self-doubt.

How to get rid of the excellent student complex in a child?

1. Praise your child not for grades, but for the result.

"I'm glad you got an A."
"I'm glad you did well on the test."
Feel the difference?

2. Be interested not in grades at school, but in the learning process, what new things have you learned, what was interesting or uninteresting, difficult or easy.

3. Never associate the assessment of learning outcomes (and not only learning) with personality assessment.

4. Do not compare your child with other children, do not set them as an example to him.

5. Do not condemn the child for any failures, support him better.

6. If the child is painfully worried about the mark received at school, or because of something else that didn’t work out for him, then you can try to devalue the failure, show the child that it doesn’t have of great importance and, moreover, does not affect your attitude towards him. For example: "Think of a triple in math, so what?" Just do not devalue the child's efforts to achieve a result, here, on the contrary, it is important for him to show that he is well done, even if he did not complete everything with 5+.

After all, you love your child not because of his grades or because he is obedient, neat, polite, studies well, etc.?

How to get rid of the complex of an excellent student in adulthood?

1. Realize. that some of your feelings, emotions and actions are not caused by real situation, and fears not to please others, not to meet their expectations. The A-student complex seems to take you back to childhood, and you are afraid of not meeting the requirements of your parents or teachers.

2. Find out if the people around you really expect you to always act "excellent"? By the way, we often tend to attribute to others what they don't really think.

3. Allow yourself the right to make mistakes and not always be the perfect person in everything and always.

4. Recognize when you are controlled by the excellent student syndrome, and when your actions and emotions do not depend on it. In other words. put your complex of an excellent student under the control of consciousness.

5. Stop expecting the constant approval of the people around you, comparing yourself with others. In fact, it’s not you, but the very child who has formed the feeling that he is loved only when he does everything perfectly, should be the best.

6. Wanting the A student complex to stop controlling you. Start fighting with him, take action.

The hardest part about getting rid of the A student complex is allowing yourself to not always live up to the expectations of others.
By the way, we often invent these expectations ourselves. A person with an excellent student syndrome ascribes to others something that they supposedly expect from him. He believes that if you always do good to others, then they will respond to him in the same way.
But in real life this is not always the case. And why should other people live up to your expectations? Where do these beliefs come from? Isn't it from our childhood, when we were taught that we must always be good, and for everyone?

A person with the A student syndrome is often unable to start doing something new or finish what he started. The reason is simple. He needs a five, i.e. you have to strive for the ideal. And the ideal is far and not always achievable, at least in his imagination. And next to it are people who, from the point of view of an "excellent student", are hacking, but at the same time they feel confident and achieve success. What is the feeling of an "excellent student"? That's right, most often resentment and a sense of injustice.

And life is far from always fair, especially from the point of view of "excellent students".

Decide what is more important to you: always achieve results even to the detriment of yourself or your own interests.

Learn to prioritize where your personal interests come first.

Add more selfishness to your actions. Without a moderate amount of it, life is not very attractive, and neither is food without salt.
It is impossible to please everyone, and why?

Think about how you can use your A student syndrome so that it not only interferes with your life, but sometimes helps you achieve your goals. It is their own, and not strangers! He can help do something better than others. But only this must be done for oneself, for the realization of one's goals, and not to earn the approval of others, who most likely will not appreciate it. By the way, many people are annoyed by excessive perfectionism. especially when it is imposed, demonstrated. A person with A student syndrome can often irritate others, because. makes high demands on others. And who likes it?

If the syndrome of an excellent student is controlled, then it is quite capable of not only spoiling life, but also helping in some way. But he cannot be given complete freedom.