The husband has a despotic character. Family despot and how to recognize it in advance (psychologist's commentary): Medical blog of an ambulance doctor

Despotism- a property of a person, characterized by complete and unconditional submission of those around him to his will, severe suppression of other people's rights and freedoms.
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The aggressive behavior of the despot feeds on his fears, constant doubts and self-doubt. A subconscious feeling of dissatisfaction, deprivation makes the tyrant take revenge on others, thus restoring undermined self-esteem. Trying to impose his will on others, the despot often uses his moral and physical superiority, asserting himself by humiliating the victim.

Psychotherapists and sociologists see the cause of despotism in childhood. Usually tyrants become people who childhood were influenced by domineering and authoritarian parents. In the future, they copy the behavior of their father or mother, "transferring" resentment to their children or spouses. Cultivating in a child a sense of self-importance, uniqueness and originality also lays the foundation for self-confidence and despotism in character.

To get rid of the manifestations of despotism, it is necessary to realize the meaninglessness of tyranny as a way of self-affirmation - a way that in no way helps to achieve what the despot is implicitly striving for - neither love nor respect from others.

• Despoticism is a tendency to psychological and physical violence.
• Despotism is the rigid imposition of one's will on others.
• Despoticism is the fear of losing control over others.
• Despoticism is revenge for one's inferiority.
• Despoticism is self-affirmation at the expense of the weak.

Disadvantages of Despoticism

• Despoticism provokes quarrels and conflicts.
• Despoticism excludes mutual respect and cooperation.
• Despoticism leads to the infringement of other people's rights and freedoms.
• Despoticism breeds hostility and vindictiveness.
• Despoticism leads to misunderstanding, rejection and loneliness.

Manifestations of despotism in everyday life

• Power. Despotism was one of the forms of autocracy, the unlimited power of tsars, which was formed in Russia as a result of the rule of the Golden Horde. bright historical example despotism was Tsar Ivan the Terrible (popularly nicknamed the Tormentor), who, allegedly for "treason" often subjected people objectionable to him cruel torture and is widely known for having killed his own son in a fit of rage.
• Family life. Despotism in family life is a frequent occurrence. The main methods of a domestic tyrant: verbal humiliation, jealousy, constant control. Despotism often thrives in families where one partner (often the wife) is dependent on the other.
• Childish despotism. Unreasonable desire for leadership, refusal to make concessions, willfulness, manipulation of parents are the main features of childhood and adolescent despotism. The problem often intensifies during periods of crisis (3-4 years and 14-15 years) and is a reflection of the child's acute need for self-affirmation, respect and a sense of his importance in the family.
• Hitler. Hitler's desire to trample on the rights and interests of other nations is a vivid example of the cruel despotism of the head of the Third Reich, who, in order to achieve his personal goal, did not disdain anything - neither the destruction of cities, nor torture in concentration camps, nor burning alive in gas chambers.

How to overcome tyranny

• Get rid of the inferiority complex. A self-confident person does not see the point in suppressing others, while imposing one's will for a despot is often the only way prove your worth. Focus on developing your real virtues - and there will be no need for an imaginary "exaltation" of yourself.
• Find other sources of self-affirmation. The habit of asserting oneself at the expense of others is a sign of weakness. Give up destructive behavior and find constructive sources of self-realization, using any of them: creativity, communication or professional development.
• Show respect for those around you. Any person, by the right of his birth and in accordance with the Constitution of the Russian Federation, has the right to independence, free expression of will and personal freedom, which you have no right to restrict.
• Learn to admit you're wrong. The ability to accept the existence of other worldviews is evidence not of weakness, but of wisdom. " Smart man always admits that he is wrong, while a fool will stubbornly stand his ground. Recognize the other person's right to their own opinion - and you will earn his respect without being forced to do so.

Golden mean

Despotism

Liberal, democratic

Inclination to connivance, indulgence, indulgence

Winged expressions about despotism

Only the history of free peoples is worth our attention; the history of peoples who lived under the yoke of despotism is just a collection of anecdotes. - Nicholas-Sebastian Chamfort - The more complete the despotism, the better everything looks on the surface. - Kadi Elizabeth Stanton - Almost all great people are despotic, but despots are rarely great people. - Pierre Boist - A good constitution is immeasurably better than the best despot. - Thomas Macaulay - P.V. Zasodimsky / Despotism: Its Principles, Their Application, and the Struggle for Despotism 1911 edition, consisting of essays on history state structure- about limited, unlimited despotism and democracy. A. Cronin / Brody Castle The story of a despotic and tough father of a family who kept his household in unconditional submission. James Brody's narcissism led to the complete collapse of the family: his wife, tired of enduring humiliation, died of cancer, the weak-willed son became an empty dandy and dandy, and the youngest daughter, who did not receive a prestigious school award, hanged herself out of fear of her father's wrath.

Before that, they had been dating for a year. I loved him very much, he said that he loves, but now it seems to me that this was not so. No doubt he liked me a lot. Honestly, if it were not for the child, we would not have thought about the wedding. but it worked out the way it did. When we met, he could look at my mail, phone, like me in principle. I never cheated on him and didn’t give him reasons. He was caught a couple of times in correspondence and communication with some girls (I was already pregnant), he asked for forgiveness, I forgave. And from the moment we got married, there was not a single reason on his part (I don’t suspect him of anything now, I’m not jealous). after marriage, they began to live with my mother, before that they had great relationship, we went on vacation together and he was with us very often. after 10 months of living together, he left after I expressed (very gently) that I did not like his behavior. In general, it’s the norm for him to leave a little, so not only with me, but also with his parents. With a parent, he is rude, rather corrupt, that is, as he needs something, he can help, and so he does everything with reluctance, close relations with the family. no, he says that they do not authorize him like no one else. since then we have not lived together. he is with his father and makes repairs there so that the child and I move, and my daughter and I still live with my mother. AT recent times relations with my mother began to improve and began to stay here on weekends. I understand that in general this is some kind of guest marriage, but I don’t want him to be here every day. I'm out of the habit, I'm so calm. We often quarrel, we never really solved problems, he can only come up to hug, kiss - this is his solution to the problem.
But the most important thing is that he constantly controls me - why are you in the store for so long, you can’t go alone to a friend’s house, not to mention meeting somewhere in a cafe, etc., you can’t run in the morning, you can’t dye your hair, I wanted I didn’t do makeup at all, you can’t wear dresses above the knees, once I took a long skirt, I started looking into the light so that the silhouette of the legs did not shine through. it is advisable not to greet acquaintances of the male sex, and so on. list can be long. This year I decided to go to college. He categorically disagrees, tore up the textbooks on which I study for admission, quarreled for 2 months. He said that he was worried that I would not get tired at work, he said that he would buy a diploma, do an internship, the main thing was that I would stay at home and not go anywhere without him, only a walk with the child. then he admitted that he thought that someone would look at me, someone would see me, I would just say hello to someone. I can't work properly either. although on this moment cannot provide for us. in principle, my mother provides me with a child, and he helps a little. I don't give up on mine. then he began to constantly talk, write to me about love. I realized that this did not help, began to be aggressive, to threaten that he would beat me if I did. He says go file for a divorce, but even after the divorce, I will not leave you alone. I’m just tired, I understand that I don’t want to live like this anymore, although I’m a rather flexible person. But each time his jealousy of control kills my feelings. Offering him to go to a psychologist together, he believes that everything is in order with him and he will not go anywhere. If it were not for the child, we would have fled a long time ago, but now it is more difficult. He doesn’t go out to tos, he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke. In general, he doesn’t treat me badly, but he doesn’t have my opinion, desire, personality. All these prerequisites for his jealousy, dictatorship were at the beginning, but it was not at all so obvious, and due to my inexperience I could not understand this. I don’t know what to do now, I think that everything will only get worse in the future. But still I want to try to save my family. Please give an assessment of the situation.

First, let's answer the question, who is despot.. First of all, this is a person who has unlimited power and enjoys using it, - explains the psychologist Lilia Akhremchik. - Such power over another person provides for the militant seizure of someone else's personal territory, trampling on other people's psychological boundaries and the destruction of all those who disagree. Moreover, all this can be done with sincere confidence in the need for such actions for the victim. Viewing without permission Email, reading messages on mobile phone, personal correspondence in social networks, the imposition of tastes in clothes, when watching movies, listening to music, and so on - all this is trampling on the personal boundaries of another person, signs of pressure on a woman in the future, after marriage registration. But there is a nuance to which I would like to draw the attention of the representatives of the beautiful half of humanity. Almost all men know “how to” and can give some advice to their beloved honestly - without the desire to impose their point of view. In doing so, they may draw your attention to what is best to wear, how to use cosmetics (for example, what kind of lipstick you should get rid of), what can be considered a good movie, and what is a waste of time. They may even criticize your telephone correspondence, but this will not be a pathology as long as the man asks your permission to enter yours, and you allow him to do so.

Recognize the future family despot is difficult, but possible. To do this, a woman needs to listen to a man very carefully. Need to pay Special attention on what he considers valuable, significant for himself, what his views on different things are. If a man says to you: I believe that a woman should know her place" or " I am a man and I know better what is needed”, think about it. It is unlikely that you will be something significant in his life. Most likely, you will be assigned only secondary roles in marriage.

If the "bright side" of the family despot is the image of the Master(which, by the way, attracts many women), then " dark side" - This image of a cannibal-destroyer. Yes, such a man provides for the family, preserves and improves well-being, is responsible for everything that happens in the house and with the family. He's like " stone wall beyond which no worries of the outer world penetrate. A woman next to him feels confident in the future. But the price for such confidence is sometimes very expensive - family despot inevitably seeks to establish his superiority over household all the means that come to his mind, controls his wife and children in everything and is quite tough. And the joy of staying for " stone wall”disappears, and the woman’s colored world fades.

What to pay attention to when meeting a man to avoid such a scenario in marriage?.. In place of the mother in the family of the bride and groom. If violence against a woman, humiliation of her dignity is a common occurrence in the groom's family, then it is very likely that the young husband will consider this normal and copy the behavior of his father. If in the bride’s family the mother is always in secondary roles, beaten and humiliated, then the young wife in marriage is likely to behave like “ second class person". Besides, a girl can at the subconscious level, look for the same husband like her father - that is, the family despot.

But, of course, there are exceptions. If what happened in the parental families, a woman and a man do not like it, they can behave differently in your marriage. Then, if a man starts to "carry", then it will be possible to influence him with a number of questions. For example: " And remember, your father used to say that to your mother! Did you enjoy it?».

Should a woman put up with a life of pressure and fear?.. No! When she has some doubts He did so much for me, learned, pulled on new level, gave new status, welfare”), then you need to think: do I relay my thoughts? Are doubts imposed by a despot husband? Actually a woman owes nothing to a man. He should take care of the family, ensure well-being, and the woman should strive to make the house cozy, filled with tenderness and love. Caring, tenderness and love are already a sufficient payment on the part of a woman for what a man does for her and for children. Unlimited power over households is already too much. Appreciation is a good thing, but only if it does not turn into blind worship. It is impossible to endure violence against oneself only out of gratitude ...

Despotic behavior of men is not uncommon. Many despots are able to skillfully disguise their essence, and even a very insightful girl cannot recognize a mentally unstable man at the first stages of acquaintance. They can convince their chosen one that she herself provokes him to inappropriate behavior.

Signs that you are dealing with a despot:

• Such men apply psychological pressure and even physical. To achieve his goals, he is ready for anything. These are, as a rule, experienced psychologists who will not find it difficult to splurge and present themselves in the best possible light.
• These men demand unquestioning obedience to themselves, they threaten the woman that she can provoke him to be rude. In fact, such despots justify their unstable psyche, and a woman is only a victim. A woman may behave perfectly normally from the conventional point of view, but it is one despot who will be annoyed by her behavior. Other people will wonder what is wrong with the girl's behavior. But the despot will be furious and nervous. Any manifestation of the girl's individuality and getting out of control of the despot will lead him to indignation.
• If the girl of such a despot is humiliated by other men, he will blame her for this, finding an explanation for his actions.
• Such men will blame the girl for her defiant behavior in order to explain their own fits of anger. Fearing to lose control over their beloved, they will convince her of unattractiveness. They can tell her that no one needs her except him.
• When a woman, frightened by the behavior of a despot, begins to cry, this causes even greater fits of rage. A despot may decide that in this way she wants to make him feel guilty, and this is unpleasant for him. In addition, a despot may take this for a theatrical performance and become even more angry.
• Despotic men can publicly humiliate their chosen ones in front of strangers. It can be sharp jokes, offensive statements. If a woman makes a remark to him, then the despot will immediately be "offended" and reproach her for her lack of a sense of humor. The despot frankly does not give a damn about what emotions a woman experiences during such jokes.
• Despots always speak ill of women in general. They can publicly talk about how stupid, mercenary, narrow-minded, hysterical, etc. all women are. But when circumstances so require, the despot will behave with the lady very politely and courteously.
• Despots almost never compliment, but only criticize their ladies. They do this in order to underestimate the woman's self-esteem. This makes it easier to control.
• Despots can direct a woman's maternal instinct against her. Pretending to be a small helpless child, they can dump all household duties on her, explaining this by the fact that this is not a man's business. Even if partners work equally, such men will persistently refuse their part of household duties.
• The ideas and thoughts of a despot are always correct in his opinion. If something does not work out for him, then people, circumstances or the woman herself will always be to blame. He will always find a way to make her feel guilty.
• Despots speak of women as stupid, helpless creatures that have to be constantly controlled. That is why they forbid them a lot. They allow themselves a lot.
• The despotism of a man does not appear immediately. But the polite and gallant gentleman is soon replaced by an impudent and aggressive type. All the information received from the woman, they use against her.
• When a despot feels that he is wrong, he begins to defiantly take offense and accuse the girl of spoiling his mood. He begins to argue that the woman is unfairly and aggressively disposed towards him. The soft female nature does not stand up, and the victim agrees with all the charges. This is what the despot needs in order to gain maximum control.
• The despot categorically does not accept criticism addressed to him, but he constantly criticizes his woman, accusing her of wrong behavior. He tells her that she does not behave like normal girls and he has to constantly control her. As a result of long years spent next to a despot, a woman becomes fearful and notorious, afraid to express her opinion.

Every woman wants to have a caring companion nearby. But unfortunately, it happens that an attentive man turns out to be a real domestic despot. Many women themselves do not understand how they failed to consider this dangerous quality in their chosen one. But the more pressing question is not “where were my eyes”, but what to do if there is a despot, how to live with him, and most importantly, is it worth doing.

What does "family despot" mean?

When it comes to a despot in the family, many imagine a drunkard husband who regularly beats his wife. But the meaning of the word "despot" is much broader; a person who does not use physical violence against his loved ones can fall under such a definition. Despotism can also be expressed in coercion to fulfill the desires of another person, humiliation, constant prohibitions. It is especially unpleasant that the husband does not immediately turn into a tyrant and despot, often it all starts with harmless whims, covered up by a manifestation of sincere concern. Therefore, it is not easy to recognize such a person; the following points in behavior should alert.

1. Despot-tyrant. He constantly criticizes you, says that you are doing everything wrong. And when you begin to act on his orders, there are reasons for new nit-picking, and often reproaching you, he contradicts himself.
2. Often insists on his own, explaining that he does everything for you, says that it will be better for you. But for some reason he forgets to ask your opinion or, having asked, does not hear it.
3. Forbids you to work in general or in any particular organization, and all his arguments can be reduced to the phrase "I do not want to."
4. Jealousy, often not justified, which is called "to each pillar."
5. Prohibitions on the use of cosmetics, on the purchase of new things, justified by the fact that you already have a husband, and therefore there is no one to preen for.
6. It does not allow you to communicate with relatives, girlfriends and friends, or chooses with whom you can be friends and with whom you cannot.
7. Imposes his point of view, interests, specific model behavior, because only his actions and desires can be the only true ones.
8. The husband is a cruel despot and tyrant and will not refuse assault.

The reasons why a man makes him do his will can be very different:

• the lower status of the wife;
• financial dependence on her husband;
• shared secret.

Usually a person with a very high tries to humiliate others, thus trying to prove his worth. By the way, a woman can also be a despot, imposing her will, more often on children than on her husband. But more often the despot in the family is not the mother, but the father. As a result of such upbringing, the child also grows up to be a despot, adopting the behavior of one of the parents or growing up with a huge number of complexes and low self-esteem, which is then compensated by the humiliation of the weaker ones.

How to behave with a man if he is a tyrant and a despot?

If the case is not started, then the behavior of the tyrant can be corrected by rebuffing him. It is possible that he will look for other forms of behavior. So, how to deal with a despot?

It also happens that nothing can help, the oppression of family tyranny does not stop, the husband willingly dissolves his hands, mocks the children, in this case there is no other way out - you have to leave.