In everyday life between people, due to the difference in temperaments, conflict situations often occur. This is due, first of all, to the excessive emotionality of a person and the lack of self-control. emotions? How to "take over" your own feelings and thoughts during a conflict? Psychology provides answers to these questions.
What is self-control for?
Restraint and self-control is something that many people lack. This comes with time, constantly training and improving skills. Self-control helps to achieve a lot, and the least of this list is inner peace of mind. How to learn to control your emotions, and at the same time prevent intrapersonal conflict? Understand that it is necessary and find agreement with your own "I".
Control over emotions does not allow aggravation of the conflict situation, allows you to find with completely opposite personalities. To a greater extent, self-control is necessary for building relationships with people, whether business partners or relatives, children, lovers.
The impact of negative emotions on life
Disruptions and scandals, in which negative energy is released, adversely affect not only the people around, but also the instigator of conflict situations. your negative emotions? Try to avoid conflicts and not succumb to provocations from other people.
Negative emotions destroy harmonious relationships in the family, hinder the normal development of the individual and career growth. After all, few people want to cooperate / communicate / live with a person who does not control himself and, at every opportunity, starts a large-scale scandal. For example, if a woman cannot control herself and constantly finds fault with her man, which leads to serious quarrels, then soon he will leave her.
In raising children, it is also important to restrain yourself and not give vent to negative emotions. The child will feel every word spoken by the parent in the heat of anger, and subsequently remember this moment for the rest of his life. Psychology helps to understand how to learn to restrain emotions and prevent their manifestation in communication with children and loved ones.
Negative emotions also have a big impact on business and work activities. The team always consists of people of different temperaments, therefore self-control plays an important role here: negativity can spill out at any moment when a person is put under pressure, they are required to do overwhelming work. And instead of the usual dialogue, where the parties can reach a consensus, a scandal develops. How to learn to restrain emotions in the workplace? Do not respond to the provocations of employees, try to start a casual conversation, agree with the authorities in everything, even if the tasks set are difficult to accomplish.
Suppression of emotions
Constantly holding yourself back within certain limits and preventing the release of negativity is not a panacea. Suppressing accumulates negativity in itself, and therefore, the risk of developing psychological diseases increases. It is necessary to “splash out” the negative from time to time somewhere, but in such a way that the feelings of other people do not suffer. How to learn to restrain emotions, but without harm to the inner world? Go in for sports, because during training a person spends all his internal resources, and the negative quickly disappears.
For the release of negative energy, wrestling, boxing, hand-to-hand combat are suitable. It is important here that a person mentally wants to give vent to his emotions, then he will feel relieved and he will not want to take it out on anyone. However, it should be borne in mind that everything should be in moderation, and overwork during training can provoke a new influx of negativity.
Two ways to keep your emotions in check:
- Do you dislike a person so much that you are ready to destroy him? Do it, but, of course, not in the truest sense of the word. At that moment, when you become uncomfortable from communicating with him, do mentally with this person whatever you want.
- Draw a person you hate and write down on a piece of paper next to the image the problems that appeared in your life thanks to him. Burn the leaf and mentally put an end to your relationship with this person.
Prevention
How to learn to restrain emotions? Psychology gives such an answer to this question: in order to control one's feelings and emotions, prevention is necessary, in other words, emotional hygiene. Like the human body, his soul also needs hygiene and disease prevention. To do this, you need to protect yourself from communicating with people who cause hostility, and also, if possible, avoid conflicts.
Prevention is the most gentle and optimal way to control emotions. It does not require additional training of a person and the intervention of a specialist. Preventive measures allow you to protect yourself from negativity and nervous breakdowns for a long time.
The main thing that helps to get the better of your emotions - over your own life. When a person is satisfied with everything in his home, work, relationships, and he understands that at any moment he can influence and adjust all this for himself, then it is easier for him to restrain the manifestation of negative emotions. There are a number of preventive rules that help manage your own feelings and thoughts. How to learn to control your emotions and manage yourself? Follow simple rules.
Unfinished business and debt
Complete all the planned tasks in a short time, do not leave the work unfinished - this can cause a delay in deadlines, provoking negative emotions. Also, "tails" can be reproached, point out your incompetence.
In financial terms, try to avoid delays in payments and debts - this is exhausting and prevents you from reaching your goal. Understanding that you have not repaid a debt to someone causes negativity, helplessness in the face of the circumstances.
The absence of debts, both financial and other, allows you to fully spend your own energy resources and forces, directing them to the realization of desires. A sense of duty, on the other hand, is a hindrance to mastering self-control and achieving success. How to learn to restrain emotions and control yourself? Eliminate debts in a timely manner.
Cosiness
Create a comfortable workplace for yourself, equip your home according to your own taste. Both at work and at home, with your family, you should be comfortable - nothing should cause irritation or any other negative emotions.
Time planning
Try to competently make plans for the day, strive to ensure that you have both time and resources for the implementation of the tasks set a little more than you need. This will avoid the negative associated with the constant lack of time and worries about the lack of finances, energy and strength for work.
Communication and workflow
Avoid contact with unpleasant people who waste your personal time. In particular, with individuals who are called "energy vampires" - they take not only time, but also your strength. If possible, try not to intersect with overly temperamental people, as any incorrect remark directed in their direction can provoke a scandal. How to control your emotions in relationships with other people? Be polite, do not exceed your authority, do not overreact to criticism.
If your job brings you nothing but negative emotions, then you should think about changing your place of work. Earning money to the detriment of your soul and feelings, sooner or later, will lead to a breakdown and disorder of peace of mind.
Border marking
Mentally create a list of things and actions that cause you negative emotions. Draw an invisible line, a line beyond which no one, even the closest person, should cross. Make a set of rules that restrict people from interacting with you. Those who truly love, appreciate and respect you will accept such demands, and those who oppose the settings should not be in your environment. To communicate with outsiders, develop a special system that will avoid violation of your boundaries and the formation of conflict situations.
Physical activity and introspection
Playing sports will bring not only physical health, but also mental balance. Give sports from 30 minutes to 1 hour a day, and your body will quickly cope with negative emotions.
At the same time, analyze everything that happens to you during the day. Ask yourself questions about whether you did the right thing in this or that situation, whether you communicated with the right people, whether there was enough time to complete the work. This will help not only to understand yourself, but also in the future to eradicate communication with unnecessary people that cause negativity. own emotions, thoughts and goals allows you to fully develop self-control.
Positive emotions and prioritization
Develop the ability to switch from negative to positive emotions, try to see the positive side in any situation. How to learn to control emotions in relationships with relatives and strangers? Be positive, and this will help you defeat your own temper.
A well-chosen goal is a great help in achieving self-control. When you are on the verge of a surge of negative emotions, imagine that as soon as you stop being nervous and paying attention to provocations, your dreams will begin to come true. Choose only realistic, achievable goals.
Environment
Take a close look at the people around you. Is there any benefit in talking to them? Do they bring you happiness, warmth and kindness, do they make you happy? If not, then the answer is obvious, you need to urgently change to switch to individuals who carry positive emotions. Of course, it is unrealistic to do this in the workplace, but at least limit yourself from communicating with such people outside the workspace.
In addition to changing the environment, expanding the circle of friends will help to achieve the development of self-control. This will give you new opportunities, knowledge and a positive charge for a long time.
Today, in the self-help section, you will learn How can you manage your emotions and feelings? with a simple cognitive therapy technique
How to learn to manage your emotions
You are presented with the cognitive technique of Socratic self-talk in order to learn to manage your emotions and feelings.
For example, you are angry at your friend for his behavior (this is the emotion of anger), and are already ready for aggressive actions, against yourself if you are an introvert, or against others if you are an extrovert.
How to bounce back and get rid of anger, especially if it is really unreasonable, and how not to become aggressive at the same time?
To find out how to manage emotions, let's understand the cognitive model.
Its essence is: “As I think, so I feel, and as I feel, so I behave (including the physiological reactions of the body)”
That is, our feelings and emotions, and with them behavioral and physiological reactions (blood pressure, rapid or slow breathing, increased sweating, a lump in the throat, reddening of the skin, and so on), directly depend on our thinking, on our interpretation of a traumatic , stressful situation (in our example, the behavior of a friend).
The scheme of the process of cognitive error (error of thinking) is as follows:
Stressful situation - Dysfunctional automatic thought (Autothought) or representation (image) - Emotion (feelings) - Behavior (and / or physiological reactions).
In fact, in order to return to normal well-being, we can break this chain anywhere, for example, by changing the situation: there will be no thoughts about it - there will be no emotions ...
But the situation cannot always be changed, especially since the unfinished situation with autothinking and unprocessed emotion is preserved in the head, in the depths of the psyche, and then manifests itself, for example, in relationships.
The emotion itself, or the behavior associated with it, is difficult to change, especially when you are experiencing it at the moment. Therefore, we will detect and change dysfunctional automatic thoughts (abbreviated as autothoughts).
Let's move on to the practice of using this technique to manage emotions.
So, you are angry… You need to imagine the moment when you started to get angry… what was the situation… what was the friend’s behavior… and ask yourself the question: “What was I thinking then?”Maybe I thought what a nice friend I have, how attentive he is to me?
Hardly! Probably, I thought that he does not love me and does not respect me, since he behaves like that? (thoughts are fast, so you need to catch them intuitively)
Well, that thought fits, "He doesn't respect me," so I got pissed off and was ready to nail him down.
Ask yourself the question: “How much do I believe in this idea that my friend does not respect me?” (from 0 to 100%)… say 90% (write down)
How strong, how intense is my emotion of anger? (from 0 to 100%)… let's say 80% (write down).
To do this, we conduct a dialogue with ourselves: we ask and answer ourselves the following questions:
1) What is the evidence supporting this idea?
We write out proofs (arguments) of ten pieces.
For example: He does not respect me, because he did not give me a loan.
And we prove...
2) What is the evidence that contradicts this idea?
Here we find more evidence than in the previous question.
For example: He respects me because….
3) Are there alternative explanations for this idea?
For example: It’s not that he doesn’t respect me, he just had a bad mood ... he didn’t have money ....
4) What's the worst thing that can happen if he doesn't respect me?
For example: we will stop being friends
5) Imagine that this happened and ask yourself: “Will I be able to survive this?”
6) What's the best thing that can happen if he doesn't respect me?
For example: he will respect me.
7) What is the most real thing that can happen if he does not respect me?
For example: we will find out the relationship, and continue the friendship.
8) What are the consequences of my belief in this idea that he does not respect me?
For example: I will accumulate negativity, and we will quarrel.
9) What are the consequences of changing this thought?
For example: I will stop getting angry, accumulate negatives, and I will be able to solve this problem.
10) What should I do about this?
For example: change your attitude (thinking) to a certain situation….
11) What advice would I give to a loved one who is in the same situation?
We write down a large adaptive response, for example: "MY MOOD DOES NOT DEPEND ON OTHERS RESPECT ME." (Later, it can be re-read several times to consolidate the result).
How much % do I now believe in this idea that he does not respect me? For example 30%. (or not at all).
What is the strength (intensity) of my anger? For example: I no longer have anger (or so much).
If you did everything right, then the belief in autothought will decrease or disappear altogether, as will the strength of the emotion, and you will feel better!
Similarly, other emotions and feelings, autothoughts and behaviors can be controlled, including obsessions….
As soon as you feel a change in mood or a manifestation of a negative emotion (feeling), immediately ask yourself: “What did I just think about?”, and find an adaptive response.
Psychological journal.
If you have reached the understanding that you yourself are responsible for everything that happens in your life, and not external circumstances and other people, then here you will find a deep answer, how to form the most important skill - managing emotions and feelings. The most important quality you can instill in yourself is your ability to control your thoughts, emotions, and feelings. This is the skill that will take you anywhere.
Previously, I did not know how to manage my emotions, I was too emotional a person, I reacted very sharply to everything. Then I began to figure out what really determines my emotions?
Hormones, some inexplicable things? Not! And one day it dawned on me that my emotions are determined by my thoughts.
I realized one important thing:
To control your emotions and feelings, you need to learn to control your thoughts.
Managing emotions and feelings. Simple explanation.
Emotions are always a derivative of our thoughts.
Since I am conscious of building my life, I became interested in how to establish contact with my thoughts, and at the same time with emotions.
I began to study ways to manage emotions and found for myself one exercise that trained me to manage my emotions through thoughts.
During the day, when some emotion or an unpleasant feeling of irritation, depression, anger, discontent arises, you just need to stop and ask yourself:
- At what point did I start to feel this emotion?
- When did my mood change?
The main thing here is to listen carefully to yourself, to be honest with yourself.
And the more I practiced rewinding the tape and going back to the moment and catching it when that same emotion appeared, I always found, without exception, that the emotion followed the thought.
Therefore, if you think that emotions are uncontrollable and difficult to manage emotions, it is only because you think that emotions are something in themselves, as they come and they go.
To understand what the technique of managing emotions implies, one must accept the fact that emotions are the result of thoughts. And as soon as you understand this, you immediately begin to control your thoughts.
Remember, no one but you can control your thoughts.
Managing emotions and feelings. The concept of "mind" and "consciousness".
But why, then, do some people think that thoughts come without their knowledge and supposedly? Here it is necessary to understand that there is a mind and consciousness.
The mind grabs at everything that is shown to it, what it sees, it's like a monkey that can grab a banana and a grenade according to the principle - give it, take it, everything in a row and indiscriminately.
And consciousness is the master, controlling what the mind can grasp. After all, grabbing everything in a row, you can harm yourself and that’s why
Useful:
Before, I just didn’t think about it - well, some thought came to my mind, so it’s necessary. I didn't realize that as long as a negative thought was in my head, it was creating unwanted events.
How to help yourself at the initial stage and learn to control your thoughts, observe them, choose what you want?
Firstly,
remove everything that introduces into a state of passive thinking (negative).
You take in the information and it goes round and round in your head on a regular basis. For example, watching TV, where there is a lot of negativity. Or communication with eternally whining people who like to complain, discuss someone.
All this is a negative influence, and it is up to you to decide whether it is worth protecting yourself from this and whether you need to exclude negativity from your life.
I hope your answer is yes, because it is not for nothing that you are interested in managing emotions and feelings.
To help you think the way you want to, you need to turn to inspiring examples and people you want to be like.
Look:
How to watch them?
When you communicate with people who think differently, you listen to them, in fact, you begin to think in their key and adopt their thinking. This is an essential part of building your new mindset.
Secondly,
learn more about your nature, about the nature of other people. For example, take an interest in psychology.
It will help you to understand yourself and other people, to distinguish the important from the unimportant.
No one else controls your thoughts except you. Even now, only you determine what you will think about in the next second.
Only you, through your own efforts, can shift the focus from the negative to the good. Replace thoughts of fear, anxiety, irritation with thoughts of gratitude, dreams, expectations, joy.
It's like exercising the body. For example, last year I signed up for a Latin American dance studio. Passionate, captivating, they always fascinated me and I wanted to learn how to dance beautifully for a long time.
It was a completely new activity for me, and at first it was not easy for me to teach my body to move correctly, to train my muscles to respond more quickly, accurately.
But with each new workout, I honed my technique more and more. And soon the necessary plasticity, activity, vigor appeared, the body began to obey, I became more confident, well, I built it.
Now our team is invited to city events, we even danced at weddings. And most importantly - I just love to dance and one of my wishes came true.
You can bring the control of your thoughts to the same maximum.
Managing emotions and feelings. Internal dialogue
But do not forget that we still live in a world where there is a lot of negative information. Information that will make you doubt your abilities, undermine your confidence, so you always need to keep your finger on the pulse so that your mind does not clutch at everything in a row.
Most people don't care about the internal dialogue that's always going on in their head. It can be chatter, savoring some events, internal disputes / comments.Many simply treat it as a natural background, unaware that all this can be controlled.
That is why most people do not live the life they would like.
Your inner dialogue determines your life. It determines how you feel, how you treat yourself and other people as well. And as a result, it determines how you behave. And that is your character.
By the way, and are also thoughts. If you control your thoughts, you control the level of your confidence and the level of your self-esteem.
- Happiness in the family is thoughts.
- Financial abundance is a thought.
- Slenderness and beauty are thoughts.
The most important investment of your time and effort is the investment in learning to control your thoughts, learn to choose them and, as a result, learn to control your emotions.
Controlling thoughts and emotions is just a skill and one follows from the other. And it will take effort and perseverance.
Getting rid of negative thoughts
You don't need to get rid of negative thoughts, you just need to replace them.
It is impossible to think about several things at the same time, so choose what you think about.
If a sad thought comes, the corresponding emotions of depression and anger will appear after it. At this point, ask yourself:
- What could I be thinking about now instead?
- What positive thoughts can I replace negative thoughts with?
- What can I be grateful for?
If you think that you can't deal with negative thoughts, you simply don't want to give up your habitual state, sacrifice, hopelessness, etc. The choice is yours.
You are the rightful owner of your thoughts. You just don’t need to sit passively and watch how your monkey grabs everything in a row that is in its field of vision, but choose for yourself what you want to think about at the moment. What you think about now creates your tomorrow.
You are what you think. Your life is what you imagined for yourself.
If you improve the skill of managing your thoughts, you can achieve anything in relationships, and in, and in health.
About another necessary skill
Another necessary skill is the development of the imagination. It is imagination that helps to create in your life something that has never been before or to increase what you want.
We all know from experience that when it comes to making decisions and setting a course of action, feeling takes into account every little thing no less, and often more than thinking. That is why in the late 90s. psychologists increasingly began to say that for the successful realization of a personality in life and activity, the most important thing is to have the ability to effectively interact with other people, be able to navigate in various situations, correctly determine the personal and emotional characteristics of others, and find adequate ways to communicate with them.
Today, in order for you to be a whole person, you need, in addition to a high intelligence quotient (IQ), also a high emotionality score (EQ). These two indicators are inextricably linked. Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a person's abilities that are involved in the awareness and management of their own emotions and the emotions of others.
American scientists "invented" emotional intelligence Peter Salovey and Jack Meyer in 1990. Then together with David Caruso the researchers proposed their own model of emotional intelligence, a model of new abilities. What? First of all, these are the abilities of perception, insofar as emotions contain information about us, about other people and about the world around us. Emotions are a kind of data, which is why it is so important to accurately determine what we experience and what people experience. Our emotions (mood) determine our thought processes. In a bad mood, we think and behave in a completely different way than in a good one. Simple manifestations of emotional intelligence are the key to health, gaining leadership, and also increase vision, ambition, self-esteem and promote better mutual understanding.
American psychologist Daniel Goleman developed the ideas of his predecessors and proposed a model of emotional intelligence, which is based on five core competencies. It is not necessary that all five points be explicitly expressed, it will be enough if they are emotional knowledge of oneself and correct self-esteem.
1. Knowing yourself
The more we learn about ourselves, the better we can control ourselves and choose the line of behavior necessary in a given situation. It aims to make us strive for change. Without self-knowledge, our emotions could direct us to do what we don't want to, turn us into people that are not at all what we would like to be.
How to develop?
Understand the difference between: "I think" and "I feel." Ask yourself how you feel throughout the day, but be honest. If your heart is beating fast or you are short of breath, then this is a normal subconscious reaction. Ask the question: “How does it make her feel?” Name this feeling - fear, excitement, calmness, etc. Talk about your feelings more often with friends and family. Over time, you will become more accurate in determining exactly which feeling / emotion you have at this particular moment.
2. Self-control
As we listen and explore our inner feelings, taking a step-by-step path towards self-discovery, self-control regulates and coordinates these same feelings for a positive, not a negative result. Self-control gives the rational side time to sort out feelings when necessary. It also helps us act thoughtfully and responsibly in doing what we say.
How to develop?
Watch what you say to yourself mentally. Recognize the fact that you are human and can experience any emotion. Be prepared for emotional outbursts caused by repetitive situations and learn to manage them. Turn an unpleasant and annoying situation into a problem-solving exercise. When you encounter something that requires an unwanted emotional response, contain your anger by focusing on your behavior. Change the situation in such a way that the behavior becomes problematic, and not the person at whom your anger is directed. Use humor to see new facets of the situation.
3. Self-motivation
Self-motivation is directing the power of our emotions to something that can inspire us to do different things. It allows you to clearly see the goals and the steps needed to achieve them.
How to develop?
Be aware that you can control and choose what you feel or think about. Put in more effort and visualize your desired future as often as possible. Communicate with people who share your values and principles and follow their dreams. Keep learning, because the pursuit of knowledge will strengthen your character strengths and provide the necessary information that may be useful to you now or in the future.
4. Empathy
Emotional intelligence helps to treat others in a dignified manner, with compassion and empathy. It is good when a person knows how to separate the emotions of other people from their own. Empathy begins with the ability to listen, which means connecting with a person. People who do not know how to empathize are more focused on their own needs and pay little attention to the problems of others.
How to develop?
Try to listen more to the interlocutor and "feel into" his experiences. Studies show that in communication, the interlocutor perceives only about 7% of words, intonation accounts for 38%, and 55% - for facial expressions, gestures and eye contact. What you say out loud and what you convey to others without words should not differ from each other. This serves as proof of your honesty and builds trust. Try to see the situation from the other person's point of view in order to better understand them.
5. Effective relationships
This competency concerns making successful contacts and the ability to manage the emotions of others. If a person has a variety of social communication skills, then he is better placed to establish cooperation.
How to develop?
Talk to your friends and colleagues about your ideas and interests because it's infectious as hell! Organize a creative exchange of views - this builds trust and promotes an atmosphere of interaction. Be willing to pass on experience and knowledge to others or become a mentor, and be open to other people's knowledge and experience. This is very important, especially in a work team. By sharing your own experience and knowledge with others, you show your ability to perceive other people's ideas and thoughts, and that you do not consider yourself a know-it-all.
In this way, emotional intelligence expands our understanding of what it means to be smart. Often people with a high IQ but a low EQ do not reach their full potential and lose their chances of success because they think, interact and communicate in an unconstructive way. The ability to create a certain atmosphere of communication is one of the most important skills that determine communicative competence. Skillful management of emotions makes it easier to cope with difficult life situations. Emotional intelligence helps maintain self-confidence and determination to achieve a goal, adapt to change.
