How to survive the shame and disgrace after theft. How to deal with public shame

sorry for the grammar. Alice, you must be very beautiful. there are some things that do not depend on us. if you think they will ever understand and justify, then hope it is so beneficial for them. you must be strong. if you set yourself a specific goal, then this gossip you will be helped to go forward. I wish you success and luck.

  • anar
  • Tuyaara

    Someone important to me found my old VKontakte page with terrible photos and comments, I can't delete this damn page because I don't have access to it. He will continue to come to this page to laugh and be disappointed in me, and not only he will look. It's too hard for me, I can't think about anything, my knees are shaking, I can't sleep, I'm in constant sadness, I even think about suicide. How to deal with this? help ...

  • Alice

    I was very offended by one person! I met him and left him. Now he is spinning obscene gossip about me. These rumors got into the team and they stopped respecting me at work. I can’t quit yet, because I live in a small town where it’s very difficult to find a job. Sooner or later, these gossip will find me at a new job.

    I always value my reputation, but it collapsed. And this gossip is of an intimate nature. They just mixed me with dirt. It feels like they are poking fingers at me in the city. At work, everyone laughs at me and looks at me as if I were something………….What should I do, how should I beat….? I want to die, I can't live with it.

  • Sveta

    But I would advise, a wedge knocks out a wedge! If possible, restart the rumors, laugh in the face of all the rumors, as if this is how it should be .... Well, he said that there were several men, well, tell me that he was also placed in this circle, he said that you fell, well, tell me how he fell at that time, the most important thing is not to make excuses, but to laugh in your face! Let there be rumors against him! Of course, it’s not beautiful, but it will be easier for you, and there’s nothing to spread rumors!

  • mixa

    Hello Alice, I don’t know if this will help you, but in my opinion it should.
    I have a friend, a former classmate, I won’t write his name, he went to prison only after graduating from 9 classes, he came out spoiled (it’s a pity that it happened, I wouldn’t wish this on my enemy), we have such people in our city they don’t pull their hands when they meet, because they know that they can ask for it, and so, he has a girlfriend who loves him, he continues to live as if nothing had happened, now you think, if he lives with such a burden, then can't you live with made-up gossip about you? you must, in spite of all of them, rise even higher, so that they understand that while they were wasting time on gossip, you have already risen to that height where you cannot hear them.

  • OR

    Elena! Best of all, forgiveness helps from shame: forgiveness of oneself, forgiveness of the situation, forgiveness of the offender!

    Forgiveness! Only in forgiveness is salvation. Saints, before becoming saints, were originally sinners. And they became saints because they repented of their sin! They confessed their sin. They asked for forgiveness. AND NEVER DO THIS AGAIN! That's all holiness. It's hard for you to admit your guilt openly. Believe me, when people forgive, it doesn't hurt. Have you forgiven anyone in your life?

    Proper Forgiveness

    I forgive you what you did to me.

    I forgive myself that I have absorbed this bad.

    I ask forgiveness from my body (organ) that I thereby did him badly.

    I love my body (organ).

    1. People fight among themselves and it makes me feel bad.

    I forgive you that with your quarrel you make me feel bad.

    I forgive myself for taking it into myself.

    2. Someone got sick, I'm anxious and scared.

    I forgive the patient that he hurts me with his illness.

    Man has taken upon himself the obligation to worry. One who does not worry about the other, as if he were not a person at all. And anxiety is negativity. So, you need to get rid of anxiety and the bad things caused by it. When treating children, such forgiveness is ideal. With forgiveness, I release the negative connection that arose between the child and myself, which exhausted us both. Inflammation of the lungs goes away in 3-4 days without medication.

    3. Someone died.

    I forgive the deceased that he hurts me with his death.

    I forgive myself for taking her into me.

    On this topic, there is an interesting parable. Once upon a time there was a rich Raja. And he had his best friend, the Vizier, who always said: "Everything is for the best!" The Raja always consulted his friend Vizier on any issue. And then one day, the Raja went hunting, and the Vizier, of course, with him! On a hunt, when Raja was aiming a bow at a deer ... suddenly the bowstring was pulled very hard, it burst and tore off Raja's little finger! The Raja groaned and wept. All the servants immediately ran to him, and the Vizier said: "Everything is for the best!" Raja got angry and ordered to put the Vizier in a dungeon! A year has passed. And so Raja again went hunting with his retinue. And they ended up with the most terrible cannibals !! Cannibals attacked the retinue and brought them to him! Raja was examined by the very first one, because he was the best dressed and quite well-fed. It was necessary to examine all the people to make sure that the fresh meat was not spoiled! BUT! Raja has a defect! He didn't have a finger!! And they let him go! And the rest were eaten. And so, the Raja barely came home and immediately ordered the Vizier to be released from the dungeon and brought to him! The vizier came, listened to the Raja's story and smiles! And then the Raja asked him: "Why are you smiling? How will you explain now that everything is for the best?" And the Vizier replies: "Dear Raja! If your finger had not been torn off by a bowstring, cannibals would have eaten you! And if you had not put me in a dungeon ... Then now, I would already be boiled in a cauldron!" ALL GOES TO GOOD!!!

    Leonova Natalia Vyacheslavovna, psychologist Kaliningrad

    Good answer 4 bad answer 1

    In the life of each of us there are situations when we experience the strongest attack of negative emotions. So tangible that sometimes it seems: this is the end, nothing can be fixed. The most striking example is a sense of shame, a feeling of boundless shame for what they have done. How to get rid of shame? How is the guilt?

    Many of us succeed, having mobilized all internal reserves, to overcome this test on our own, but there are also many who need help and support. Because shame is also fear. These two feelings go hand in hand, because the first thought that follows a shameful act, in your opinion, is the fear of what others will think? Are you familiar with this question? Then our little advice will be useful for you!

    We start to understand

    In its original meaning, the word shame was associated with a spectacle, something public, open. Today, by this term, we understand the situation when a person experiences humiliating, shameful feelings, feeling dishonored in the eyes of society.

    Shame is a somewhat milder form of experience. It appears in a person who believes that his own behavior, appearance or actions in a particular situation do not correspond to generally accepted stereotypes. From the very beginning, we focus your attention on the fact that it is the “culprit” himself who thinks so, already punishing himself with this alone, although often he is biased towards his own personality! And on how severe this punishment, his further actions depend - up to the adoption of the most irreparable decisions. Therefore, it is necessary to get rid of the burdensome burden called "experienced shame" as soon as possible.

    How to get rid of this feeling depends on the circumstances. Sometimes it’s enough just to find the courage and apologize. Before a specific person or society. After this, relief will come and life will sparkle again with all its colors.

    7 ways to deal with shame

    If it's much deeper, check out the seven "magic" tricks - they will tell you how to deal with guilt.

    Determine the reasons

    Remember, we first talked about objectivity towards ourselves? Analyze the situation again, look at it from the outside, perhaps it does not contain elements of "crime" and you are exaggerating the problem, making a molehill out of a molehill? Often the cause of shame is excessive and not at all obligatory demands on yourself and expectations from others - a consequence of the peculiarities of home education or the environment that has surrounded you since childhood. If yes, then everything is in order, forget it, move on!

    Look for the responsible

    Figure out if you are not taking on someone else's fault? Perhaps, by humiliating yourself, you are unconsciously trying to shield a person who is dear to you or once was one? If this is the case, it is quite possible that you are simply being subtly manipulated, for one reason or another, seeking to instill a sense of shame. Discover this person (not necessarily literally) and you will be freed from the burden of shame.

    Do personal therapy

    If you still feel guilty, calmly, soberly and without panic, develop a step-by-step plan to overcome the crisis, taking into account all the mitigating arguments. And follow this plan, which is sure to be followed by a cure.

    Don't lock yourself in

    In such circumstances, it is very important to feel that there is someone who is on your side, or at least he will just listen and understand you. Native person, friend, colleague, neighbor. Anyone you trust. Speak out, let go of emotions. And if there are simply no such people, contact a psychologist: he will deal with your psychological problems and tell you how to survive humiliation.

    Don't run from the problem

    She will still get you. Look her straight in the eye, as boxers do before a decisive fight. Feeling your strength and determination, she will be the first to look away, we assure you!

    forgive yourself

    This is very difficult, because you were offended and betrayed by the dearest person - yourself. Offended by putting him in such an awkward position. Accepting your own apology is a crucial step in releasing the oppressive feeling of shame. It is also an opportunity to love yourself again and restore self-confidence. And understand: no one is immune from mistakes, and you are no exception.

    draw conclusions

    By this point, you should already have a clear and clear picture of what happened, the analysis was done, forgiveness followed. It remains to learn a lesson, and exclude the possibility of a repetition of this.

    Video: Speech by Annetta Orlova on radio "Mayak" with the topic "How to get rid of feelings of shame?"

    Strange as it may sound, but a sense of shame, like any other emotion, is necessary for us to maintain inner harmony and peace of mind. Another thing is that you should not get hung up on it and from time to time return to the events that caused it! And, speaking between us, the cause of seeming disgrace is often a trifle, even unworthy of our attention.

    Life is beautiful, friends, and not a single, even the most shameful act, is worth it to overshadow it with constant experiences, fettering your individuality with conventions, often far-fetched, suffering and thinking about how to survive shame. Be happy!

    People tend to hide their complexes, bad inclinations, vices and everything that makes them different from others. Therefore, they are so worried when the secret becomes clear. How to survive such a shame? It turns out that there is a way to adequately get out of the situation - to honestly admit that there is a problem, but to show that you coped with it. The stars who dared to do this only won in the end.

    Kirkorov repented and was forgiven

    Philip Kirkorov more than once incurred the wrath of society because he was rude to journalists, among whom were women. Many times he got away with it, then there was a scandal with a journalist from Rostov-on-Don, which ended for the singer with a boycott of many people and the need to ask for forgiveness from the journalist. But even after that, there were many conflicts on the same ground, and the last of them ended for Kirkorov with condemnation not only from ordinary people, but also from artists. It seemed that the reputation was over ... But Philip made a knight's move. He publicly repented and admitted that he was sick, that he could not control himself, having done this on television. And oddly enough, people not only believed the artist, but even began to feel sorry for him. After all, you can not blame the one who cries. It was after public repentance that the scandal was somehow quickly forgotten, and now Kirkorov feels quite confident.

    Dogileva admitted that she drank

    There are plenty of drinkers in the creative environment. But usually this is only whispered on the sidelines, and the person himself calmly appears at events with a serious face. Like, what are you talking about? But Tatyana Dogileva was not afraid to tell the truth. In a frank interview, she stated that for many years she could not cope with the craving for drinking. She frankly admitted that alcohol brought her to nervous breakdowns, to a clinic of the appropriate profile.

    – I could not live without vodka! And I know what this hell is, - the actress said bluntly. “And God forbid someone else go through this too!” I had the third, last stage of alcoholism. This is when the destruction of the personality is already underway. But I firmly believed that everything was under control!

    Now the actress says that she is fine, she does not drink. Periodically, however, she faces similar accusations. Recently, for example, in the fight against the construction of the Mikhalkov Hotel, which the actress is actively leading, the police hinted that she was drunk. So the actress passed the alcohol tests and, proving that she was undeservedly insulted, filed a lawsuit. She is not afraid of crooked looks and smirks, and perhaps it is precisely this wariness of society that keeps her in her hands. After such confessions, Dogileva cannot afford to stumble again ...

    Lolita revealed a terrible secret

    After a divorce from Alexander Tsekalo, the singer suffered a terrible depression. She dropped out of the promoted duet "Academy", lost many friends, show business forgot her ... The singer began to drink, smoked a lot and ate almost nothing. As a result, her friends saved her, who advised her to see a specialist. Later, Lolita found the courage to talk about it, because she understood that this information could help women who were in a similar situation.

    “I literally did not want to live, and I thought that I would not get out of this,” the singer admitted. – But now everything is over, and I understand that time really heals.

    Sharon Stone almost died losing weight

    Now the 53-year-old actress can no longer be afraid that she will ruin her career. She is still in demand and successful. That is why she talks about her negative experience so that others would be discouraged. So, remembering her modeling past, the actress admits that, being a young fool, she almost died from diets. One day, she went to a private doctor who injected her with a mixture of sheep embryos and the urine of pregnant women. The result of this "experiment" was the worsening condition of Sharon. She was so weak that she could no longer get out of bed, she began to hallucinate, she was tormented by headaches. The actress understood that she was dying, but still did not dare to go to the doctors for fear that she would be fired and her career would end. Stone now recalls that incident with horror and shares his thoughts on this topic to show women who dream of losing weight: life is more expensive than diet!

    Ricky Martin stopped hiding his orientation

    Last year, the singer wrote a shocking confession on his blog: “Proud to say that I am a happy homosexual man. It's a blessing for me to be who I am. Every word in this letter is filled with love and acceptance. This letter for me is a serious step towards my inner world and a part of my life evolution. And part of the celebration." It was a conscious step on the part of the singer, although many discouraged him from confessing what others are silent about. But the singer's career did not deteriorate at all after this recognition. On the contrary, many praised him for his frankness. After all, gays who pretend to express admiration for women are even more annoying.

    Nicole Kidman admitted that she did not give birth herself

    The actress, now 43, announced the birth of her second daughter earlier this year. Kidman did not hide the fact that she did not give birth to a child herself, but used the services of a surrogate mother. The woman who carried the child, the actress settled in her country estate, and there she was able to hide from the eyes of the paparazzi. A month after the birth of her daughter, the journalists did not know anything, because the actress herself continued to work and go out as if nothing had happened. But soon Nicole admitted that she had a daughter. The actress already has three children - one daughter and two adopted children who live with foster father Tom Cruise.

    Anyone who has ever participated in parties, corporate celebrations and just gatherings with friends in the presence of alcohol, he probably experienced a feeling of guilt the next day. Remembering yesterday morning, you just burn with shame, even if everything went smoothly. So why, then, is it so embarrassing after drinking?

    Feelings of guilt can arise after any act. Most often, it becomes uncomfortable after any actions committed while intoxicated. People with a strict upbringing, who have a clear internal framework, are especially inclined to experience such a feeling. It is for them that memories of any trick in a state of intoxication can become unbearable. If the guilt has a real basis and such a person has done something indecent, then, of course, he is confused and does not know how to act in such an awkward situation. There is a fear to appear to people who witnessed the act, and this is reflected in the general physical condition.

    The feeling of shame arises from time to time in any person. This feeling is developed under the influence of cultural education, which contributes to the observance of certain norms in human society. Conscience warns a person against committing bad deeds, is a kind of moral consciousness. Common signs are:

    • embarrassment;
    • anxiety;
    • confusion;
    • protection from shameful desires and impulses.

    Feelings of guilt and shame are somewhat different. Guilt is an exclusively personal emotion that arises when you intend to do something bad, and shame appears only when you understand that bad behavior can become public and will not be approved.

    Sometimes, in a state of intoxication, when self-control is significantly reduced, people really commit rash acts. But not always unpleasant feelings have a real basis. There is a term “psychological hangover” for this painful feeling. What actions most often give reason to be ashamed of their behavior?

    Aggressive behavior. Violation of subordination with management. hypersexual behavior. Abusive behavior towards someone. All these are the consequences of drinking. Feelings of shame can be strengthened by memories of one's behavior, the realization of the impossibility of changing the situation. Even if the act is seen as positive, funny, or heroic, the person may feel uncomfortable doing so.

    Psychological reasons

    Alcoholic beverages are a powerful regulator of emotions. As a rule, people drink alcohol for its effect on emotions. Someone wants to relieve stress or tension, someone struggles with a bad mood or a decline in mental strength in the hope of stimulating themselves.

    However, the human psyche is extremely complex. It has its own systems of regulation, including the emotional sphere. This system develops as a person grows up, under the influence of culture, education and with its active training.

    The less a person paid attention to his psychological state, the more emotional trauma and complexes he manages to accumulate. Such a person will have more reasons to resort to the help of alcohol. The internal mechanism of regulation of emotions will be destroyed. As a result, the entire emotional sphere is destroyed:

    • dysregulation of emotions;
    • blindness;
    • excitability;
    • lability;
    • rigidity;
    • the predominance of negative emotions.

    Such disorders occur with the regular use of alcoholic beverages and lead to depletion of the emotional sphere. Not only the system of regulation of emotions suffers from alcohol. A person also cannot cope with a bad emotional state on his own. He has to resort to strong drinks again. As a result, the condition worsens.

    Physiological causes

    Alcoholic beverages have a negative impact on almost all organs and tissues of the human body. The CNS is no exception. The higher the dose of alcohol and the stronger the drink, the stronger the effect on the brain.

    First of all, the cerebral cortex is affected. This area is responsible for thought processes. After alcohol, a person's perception of information slows down: visual and taste perception, touch and smell are difficult. The pain threshold rises. The person becomes more liberated, talkative, self-confident. Ethanol has a depressing effect on the nervous system. As a result, self-control decreases. Against this background, a person commits acts that are not characteristic of him, for which he will have to blush in the morning. Even small doses of alcohol have a stimulating effect.

    The impact of ethyl alcohol on the limbic system of the brain causes memory loss, as well as a surge of emotions. Therefore, people under the influence of alcohol often experience strong delight, or complete despondency, or anger. The cerebellum is also exposed to the negative influence of ethyl alcohol. Since this structure is responsible for the coordination of movements, it is disturbed in a state of intoxication. Therefore, a person in a state of intoxication has a shaky and unsteady gait, loss of balance.

    The hypothalamus is responsible for sexual behavior and sexual activity. Under the influence of ethyl alcohol, the sexual reaction increases, excitement sets in. However, sexual activity is reduced. As a rule, this leads to sexual failures, and as a result, an awkward situation arises. Also, a small area of ​​the brain called the leash of the epithalamus is responsible for the occurrence of this painful feeling. When this area is inactive, negative experiences do not arise.

    Ethanol has a toxic effect on the entire body as a whole. Causes inflammatory reactions. Affects the vascular wall, disrupting the normal blood supply. Reduces blood sugar levels and lack of energy resources. Irritates the mucous membranes of the digestive tract.

    Also strong drinks often contain additives. The presence of such additives directly affects the severity of a hangover. After drinking brandy, tequila, vermouth, scotch, dark beer and red wine, hangovers can be significant. Biochemical changes caused by the action of alcohol also lead to "adrenaline" longing. All these reasons push people to actions that make them blush later.

    How to get rid of this feeling?

    How to survive such a state? What can be done to reduce these unpleasant experiences? Wine after drinking is the same manifestation of a hangover syndrome, like a headache or thirst. In this case, you should deal with this feeling in the same way as with a hangover. He can get rid of feelings of guilt only if it is caused by alcohol intoxication, and not by real events.

    When dealing with a hangover, you need to detoxify your body. To this end, you need to drink plenty of fluids. Non-carbonated mineral water, freshly squeezed fruit juices, unpasteurized kvass, weak tea with lemon, herbal decoctions, sour-milk drinks are suitable. Strong tea and coffee should not be used for this purpose. The caffeine and tannin contained in them will lead to arousal and only worsen the situation. Enterosorbents will help cleanse the stomach and intestines from accumulated toxins in the body.

    You can restore glucose levels and water-salt balance with a balanced diet. With a hangover, it should not contain fatty, spicy, fried foods so that the liver does not receive an additional load. In this case, preference should be given to soups cooked in chicken or beef broth, oatmeal with honey, vegetables and fruits. Sports nutrition and drinks can also quickly normalize electrolyte levels.

    Toxins are excreted not only by the kidneys, lungs, but also by the sweat glands. Therefore, you can take a contrast shower, a non-hot bath with sea salt, go to the bath or sauna. Good effect give walks in the fresh air. Breathing exercises or simple physical exercises also have a positive effect on the body. In this case, the process of excretion of alcohol metabolites will be significantly accelerated.

    Drug treatment of a hangover syndrome will significantly speed up the elimination of toxins, help to cope with a headache, and restore the acid-base balance. Glycine contained in some of these preparations will help restore the nervous system, milk thistle will restore liver function, succinic acid will restore metabolism. Examples of such drugs are:

    • "Alcoseltzer".
    • "Alco-Prim".
    • "Alco-Buffer".
    • "Buffalo".
    • Medichronal.

    All this will help to level the adverse effects of ethanol on the body and remove the root cause of the painful feeling of guilt. Vigorous activity to improve the body will distract from the unpleasant feeling in the soul.

    What to do if the feeling of guilt did not arise out of the blue and has real ground? How to survive the shame and look others in the eye? Even then, there is a way out. And you can help yourself. The human brain is a fairly powerful weapon that can change emotions.

    The first way to help yourself is to influence the emotion. You can suppress an unpleasant feeling, get used to it, not allow yourself to think about shame. However, shame is a strong enough emotion and forces a person, after getting used to it, to change their worldviews and beliefs. The second way is to provide an opportunity for the negative to come out.

    This consists in creating life situations that are directly related to the feeling of shame. To survive the shame, and get out of the situation with minimal losses, you need to follow just a few rules. You must admit your guilt. Don't pretend like nothing happened. Forgive yourself. Constant self-flagellation and experiencing the situation will not bring benefits to the psyche and will not change the situation.

    It is important to apologize to all participants in the events, even if they were simply witnesses of indecent behavior. It is very important to maintain dignity. Rest assured this won't happen again. Do not forget that only relatives can infinitely forgive, and even then not always. In the work team, endless apologies will not be taken as they should. The team can change its attitude. It is worth remembering what dose and what kind of drinks lead to a loss of control over the situation, if it is difficult to refuse strong drinks. All these unpleasant sensations after alcohol should not be repeated. Otherwise, you will have to experience shame every time.

    Auto-training gives a good effect. You can imagine a situation when at the same party you behave quite dignified and restrained. Do not drink too much, do not do terrible things, do not say stupid, shameful words. Imagine how you could spend this time in a sober state, what would you say, how would you behave. How would your personality behave, not intoxicated with alcohol. Envision and play out the party the way you wanted it to happen, in a positive way.

    If a person is able to avoid comparing his actions with the expectations of society, then such a person is protected from such experiences. He is in harmony with his I. This means that he will not experience feelings of shame.

    Help from a specialist

    If the physical manifestations of the hangover have passed, apologies have been made, and the feeling of shame for a small misconduct does not disappear, then in this case, you can seek help from a psychologist. The causes of the painful feeling may lie in the subconscious. And strong drinks just pulled them to the surface.

    This is especially true for those who often resort to alcohol to get rid of emotional discomfort. Alcoholic drinks by themselves are unable to solve any problems. They bring only a temporary improvement in mood, reduce perception. After the release of ethanol from the body, all adversity returns. All this destroys both the psyche and the physical health of a person. And he gets into a vicious circle.

    Social ties, family life are destroyed, problems arise with work. A person is torn out of normal life. However, not everything can be returned to its original state. Health is often damaged irrevocably. If the situation is not running, you can get by with conversations with a loved one, a friend who will help you sort yourself out. Sometimes, a friendly conversation is enough for emotions to return to normal. If the situation gets out of control, it is extremely important to contact a professional.

    Modern psychology and psychotherapy have enough methods to help with these kinds of problems. Psychotherapy has developed very actively over the past 150 years, and has accumulated more than enough tools for help over this period:

    • suggestive therapy;
    • psychoanalysis;
    • behavioral influence;
    • cognitive therapy;
    • existential therapy;
    • rational therapy.

    These are just the main methods, their number today is more than 500. These methods are used both in individual and group classes. All actions of the psychotherapist are aimed at relieving emotional stress, solving intrapersonal problems and correcting the situation. The main weapon of the psychotherapist is speech, words. They are directed at a person, affect his emotional state, change him.

    If words alone are not enough, the problem is too deep, then dancing, music, drawing, modeling and games come to the aid of the psychotherapist. This helps to identify the underlying causes that led to the traumatic situation. Qualified help from a psychologist or psychotherapist helps to alleviate emotional discomfort, find an incentive for a fulfilling life, fight alcoholism and restore social ties.

    In any case, if the feeling of guilt or shame has taken up too much space and interferes with a normal life, there is no need to pretend that nothing is happening, do not expect that everything will resolve itself. Conservation of such a problem in oneself can lead to depression, and it is much more difficult to cope with it.

    Shame, guilt and alcoholism are constant companions of each other. They feed and support each other, lure a person into a vicious circle of alcoholism. In some cases, a person can help himself with simple tricks, in others, the problem is so deep that a person cannot cope on his own, and the help of a specialist is needed. The best way to avoid shame and remorse is to observe the measure in the use of strong drinks. This will help save not only physical health, but also such a complex thing as the psyche.