baptized Jews. Can a Jew be baptized in a church like a believing Christian? How did the Jews convert to Orthodoxy?

It's worth it, of course, it's worth being baptized! - I will say this at the very beginning, so that my always in a hurry and impatient readers know what to expect, and if they are waiting for another answer, so that they do not suffer, do not spoil their little eyes in vain and do not waste precious time.

Jews treat baptism like old maids - or, say, radical feminists on their wedding night. We heard a lot about it, both about joys and about horrors. But the installation - no way! Everything, but not this. Like in the story about the chicken that ran away from the rooster and got hit by a truck. The old maid saw this and said: “She preferred to die!”

So the Jews love to talk about martyrs who preferred to die rather than be baptized. And there were those who killed their children so that they would not accept the faith of Christ. And here you feel a resemblance to radical feminism, because for those, intimacy with a man is a betrayal of the highest purpose of a woman in their eyes, her complete autonomy.

Old maids have their joys. The Jews also have their joys. There is an imitation of worship, but there is no rejoicing. And if you look closely, there is a constant longing for incompleteness. That's the first difference. Christians have one hard, dreary day of the year - Good Friday. This is the day when the long-awaited Messiah died, and it is not known whether he will rise again. Passion Saturday comes to replace it, when the promise of the resurrection flashes Holy Fire- but there is no resurrection yet. Such are all Fridays and Saturdays among the Jews. There is no Messiah, and it is not known when there will be. He does not send letters and does not call. For Christians, they are replaced by the eighth day of the week - Sunday. Christ has risen and returned to us. For the Jews, the week begins anew - weekdays, longing, practical matters, so that by the end of the week they will again find themselves in a state of expectation and unfulfilled hopes.

And Messiahs are different. The Jews have a national hero who will exalt the kingdom of Israel and resume worship in Jerusalem in the temple. The calves will be slaughtered again. For Christians, the temple has already been restored - this is the body of the risen Christ. Instead of slaughtering calves, we have our communion. Therefore, there is no sorrow, only joy.

Our Christ does not care for all of Israel, but for each of us. He is not a hero, he is God. Only God can save. And the national hero is from the field of state building. The exaltation of earthly kingdoms is not a task at all for Christians qua Christians. So there are no empty expectations.

Why is he needed, the Jewish Messiah? Not needed at all - unless you are a rabid Jewish nationalist. After all, he will not give anything to an individual person - except perhaps a hundred goyim slaves, if you are an orthodox Jew. And Christ saves us from sin, gives us joy, leads us to God.

Judaism is a collective faith, one that is one zero. The Christian faith has a collective, a church, but also a personality. There is the joy of repentance, confession, cleansing - this is the joy of being alone.

But collective joy is the joy of communicating with the people. Not only with the Jews, who are everywhere in the minority, but where they are in the majority - there is little joy from this. You will see how your attitude towards people changes. Common communion breaks down the wall of mistrust and hostility. You will be able - in Israel - to freely pray and commune with the Palestinians. They will no longer be your enemies, but your beloved brothers and sisters. You won't need a separate Jewish state to avoid the society of non-Jews. And in Russia, and in any other Christian country - you don't have to go to the ends of the world in search of a synagogue, you don't have to go through security and show your purse or turn out your pockets. There is always a church near the house. Yes, and believers are prettier, simpler, socially closer.

This is if you are not a banker, not an oligarch. And it’s probably easier for a banker and an oligarch to remain a Jew - the Christian faith does not approve of excess. Of course, the oligarch also has a choice, but it is easier for a camel to go through, as we know, needle eye(there are such narrow gates in Jerusalem) than to save the soul of an oligarch. But a camel can pass through the Eye, and a rich man can also be saved. There is no social or biological determinism.

Discovering Christ is a fabulous moment in life. The Japanese call it satori, but we call it Epiphany. When God appears to you, or you stand before Him, you will experience a feeling of such power that all others will fade.

There were times when a Jew, coming to Christ, parted with all his relatives, friends, relatives. And now we have to part with many, but not with all. So many Jews came to Christ in last years that the Jews are accustomed to this and do not tear their hair, do not wear mourning, do not come to horror. Persecution? Well, they are not so terrible that it is worth thinking about.

You just have to go to the end, do not slow down. The brakes were invented by a coward. It happens that the Jews slow down, try to sit on two chairs. We are, they say, both Christians and Jews, twice elected. I have come across these. I think that this is both wrong in essence and harmful to the soul - if it is not just a missionary tactic. We become ex-Jews – just as Christian as our newfound brothers and sisters in faith, no more and no less.

For the Jews living in Russia, the coming to Christ will also make it possible to coincide in phase with the Russian people, who are now experiencing a huge spiritual upsurge. Remaining with their old faith - or unbelief - the Jews continue to fight with Christ, and not only harm others, but also destroy their souls.

If before the revolution, baptized Jews were suspected of baptism for profit, today there is no self-interest in this - but there is benefit for the soul. And the losses are small - a few unnecessary acquaintances, and some atavisms. History shows that the best of the Jews usually come to Christ. The children of the most famous Jews - Theodor Herzl, Moses Montefiore - were baptized. Baptism opens the heart and soul. It is no coincidence that Russian poets of Jewish origin, whose names are well known, Pasternak, Mandelstam, Brodsky, were all baptized. Jewish faith - not Jewish blood - interferes with the creative impulse. People must be loved, but Judaism teaches that only Jews should be loved.

Theodor Herzl, the founder of political Zionism, wanted to baptize the Jews, just as Vladimir had baptized the people of Kiev. It is possible that things will come to this, but so far - the font is a personal feat. And personal great joy. I remember the feeling of water and oil, the smell of myrrh, the exit from the temple to the sound of bells, the radiance of the Jerusalem sun - give everything for such happiness, and do not feel sorry. For a person with a living soul, baptism is a miracle. And to a person with a dead soul I will say - Christ resurrected the dead Lazarus, already touched by corruption. He can also resurrect your dead soul.

Old maids have their joys. The Jews also have their joys. There is an imitation of worship, but there is no rejoicing. And if you look closely, there is a constant longing for incompleteness. That's the first difference. Christians have one hard, dreary day of the year - Good Friday. This is the day when the long-awaited Messiah died, and it is not known whether he will rise again. Passion Saturday comes to replace it, when the Holy Fire flares up with the promise of resurrection - but there is no resurrection yet. Such are all Fridays and Saturdays among the Jews. There is no Messiah, and it is not known when there will be. He does not send letters and does not call. For Christians, they are replaced by the eighth day of the week - Sunday. Christ has risen and returned to us. For the Jews, the week begins anew - weekdays, longing, practical matters, so that by the end of the week they will again find themselves in a state of expectation and unfulfilled hopes.

This is if you are not a banker, not an oligarch. And it’s probably easier for a banker and an oligarch to remain a Jew - the Christian faith does not approve of excess. Of course, the oligarch also has a choice, but it is easier for a camel to pass, as we know, through the eye of a needle (there are such narrow gates in Jerusalem) than it is for an oligarch to save his soul. But a camel can pass through the Eye, and a rich man can also be saved. There is no social or biological determinism.

There were times when a Jew, coming to Christ, parted with all his relatives, friends, relatives. And now we have to part with many, but not with all. So many Jews have come to Christ in recent years that the Jews have become accustomed to this and do not tear their hair, do not wear mourning, do not come in horror. Persecution? Well, they are not so terrible that it is worth thinking about.

Israel Shamir

Jewish converts in Tsarist Russia

Solomon Dinkevich, New Jersey

We publish excerpts from the new volume of Solomon Dinkevich's book "Jews, Judaism, Israel"

ASSIMILATION

The impetus for the baptism of Anton (1829 - 1899) and Nikolai (1835 - 1881) Rubinstein, Jews by father, merchant of the first guild Grigory Rubinstein and Germans by mother Kaleria from Prussia, outstanding musicians who founded the Petersburg (Anton, 1862) and Moscow (Nikolai, 1860) ) The conservatory was served, according to their mother, by the decree of Nicholas I on the conscription of Jewish children (cantonists) for 25 years of military service. “Jews call me a Christian, Christians call me a Jew, Germans call me Russian, Russians call me German,” said Anton Rubinshetein.

The poet Sasha Cherny (Alexander Glikman, 1860-1932) was baptized at the age of 10. It is unlikely that Isaac Levitan (1860-1900) was baptized, otherwise he would not have needed to leave Moscow in 1891, when the brother of Alexander III, Grand Duke Sergei Alexandrovich, who expelled the Jews from Moscow, became Governor-General of Moscow. As for Mark Antokolsky (1843-1902), according to Marina Luzhikova, his sister's great-great-great granddaughter, he was baptized, otherwise the Academy of Arts would have been closed to him. “At the same time,” she adds, “Antokolsky never worked on the Sabbath and observed Jewish holidays” (Journal “Call of Zion” and article by Maya Bass in the magazine “Spectrum”).

“We have Jews and professors, of whom others were baptized into Christianity (for example, Academician A.F. Ioffe, who converted to Lutheranism - S.D.), but with all their spirit and sympathy belong to their native Jewry and raised them ... (they) are morally no lower than people of Christian culture,” wrote Nikolai Leskov.

In 1903 Theodor Herzl (1860-1907) visited Russia. Police Minister Plehve explained to him the policy of the tsarist government on the Jewish question: "We will shoot a third of the Jews (revolutionaries), send a third out of the country, and force a third to assimilate through baptism."

At this time, 4 million Jews were locked up in the Pale of Settlement. Outside it lived about 100 thousand Jews (~ 2.5%). These were professors, merchants of the first guild, artisans of the highest ranks, former Nikolaev soldiers. For getting higher education Jewish youth were limited to 5% norm, and in both capitals - only 3%. When Tsar Alexander II was assassinated on March 1, 1881, Jewish pogroms swept through the country, which then periodically repeated in the western and southern provinces.

“After the assassination of Alexander II, the Russian authorities began to persecute the Jews even more. They were driven from St. Petersburg, Moscow, Kyiv, from the Volga, from Russian villages. But not only were Jews driven into the physical ghetto, an even more painful and more oppressive ghetto was formed - economic, political, spiritual, scientific ... To break through these bars that separated the Jewish world from the non-Jewish, it was not enough to have talent, money, good connections ”(Osip Dymov).

Justifying the "legal measures" of the government against the Jews, A. I. Solzhenitsyn wrote in the 2-volume book "Two Hundred Years Together" (Moscow, "Russian Way", 2001 and 2002) that "the transition (of the Jews) to Christianity, especially in Lutheranism (which did not require regular attendance at religious services - S.D.), ... immediately opened all the paths of life ... ".

Indeed, what is easier, renounce your parents, all Jewry and you are a full-fledged citizen Russian Empire. But here is what Osip Dymov writes in the book of memoirs “What I Remember” (Israel, 2011).

Beforehand, I note that Osip Dymov (Osip Isidorovich Perelman, 1878-1959), the elder brother of the brilliant popularizer of mathematics, physics and astronomy Yakov Isidorovich Perelman (1882-1942), was a famous Russian writer, one of the authors of the famous " General History”, published by the Satyricon (1911). His plays were successfully staged in the theaters of St. Petersburg, Moscow and the provinces until the October Revolution of 1917. Back in 1913, he left Russia forever and continued to publish in émigré publications, first in Europe and then in America. In America, he published mainly in Yiddish. In the USSR, his name was completely hushed up.

So, Osip Dymov: “In St. Petersburg, where I arrived from Bialystok in 1897, I came into contact with a new type of Jews that I had not met before: baptized and assimilated children of Israel, modern Marans - a distant, but in its own way close echo (of Spanish ) Marans of the times of the Inquisition. Here is one of his stories.

“I remember the incident with the photographer Shapiro, a Jew, a connoisseur of the Hebrew language, a poet. His poems in Hebrew were widely known. When the persecution of the Jews intensified, Shapiro was forced to be baptized. With torment in his heart, clenching his teeth so as not to scream in pain, he entered the church as a Jew and left from there ... an unfortunate Jew. But the inscription in fresh ink on his passport read: "Orthodox."

Shapiro's photography studio was located on Nevsky Prospekt just opposite the magnificent Kazan Cathedral. Shapiro's photographic works were known throughout Russia, not only because of their artistic value, but mainly because he was a former Jew, and now Orthodox, had the right to photograph the tsar and his family. In order to be able to engage in this activity, he was forced to be baptized.

Shapiro continued to write poetry in Hebrew, went to the synagogue, and was a member of Jewish organizations. He bowed before Russian literature, which he knew well and highly appreciated, and was proud that the best, most talented representatives of Russian literature were photographed with him.

At night his torment began. At a certain hour, when it was still dark outside - and the St. Petersburg night is long - the hundred-pound bells of the Kazan Cathedral began to ring, which, as already mentioned, was located just opposite his dwelling. For many years Shapiro lived in this house and did not hear the bells, but after baptism he suddenly discovered that they exist. Their heavy metallic ringing woke him every night, every dark night at the same time. No matter how deeply he slept, the first metal "boom" was like a blow to the head, like a sharp prick in the heart, and he woke up, frightened, confused and trampled by the iron blows, the sounds of which fell upon him.

“Remember,” the bells reminded, “remember that morning when we rang for you in church, and the priest turned to you and ordered that you sign yourself with the cross, and you, with dead lips, with hatred, shame and trembling in your heart, repeated the words a priest? The words were in the Old Slavonic language, but you, knowing this language, nevertheless, did not understand what was being said.

“Boom-beam… boom-beam!” - the bells continued to ring, and again the scene that he experienced, a poet who wrote in Hebrew, he, a Jewish nationalist, came to mind. It is still going on, it has not ended there, in the church, where the priest said prayers over him and overshadowed his face with a cross. In doing so, he used a liquid as viscous as sunflower oil, called myrrh, heavy drops fell on the pale face of the convert. Instinctively he tried to wipe them off, but the priest wouldn't let him.

"Boom-beam...beam-boom!" - the bells tormented him. Their metallic sound penetrated through windows and walls, filled the room, the whole house, his brain and tore apart his Jewish, now certainly Jewish heart.

And so it was every night. Every night he walked the same martyr's path again and again, every night, while the city was sleeping and the bells were ringing, he, a poet who wrote in Hebrew, and a photographer of the king, was baptized. Not once, but dozens and dozens of times, he renounced "the false faith of the rabbis and sages," as the priest made him repeat. Not once, but dozens of times, he abandoned his father and mother ... But the more often he was baptized at night, the more he became a Jew. And the more often the bells “beeped” over his unfortunate head and called him to church, the further he wanted to run away from her. Where to run? Where can you hide?

Of course, he could move to another dwelling where the bells would not be heard. But how to take away with you a photographic studio, a glass roof, tools and an address, this address on Nevsky Prospekt, well known to everyone for many years? And he was forced to stay in the same place, in the center of the city.

But Shapiro could not stand it and, in the end, still escaped. He sold his house, his business, gave up the honor of being "His Majesty's photographer" and moved to a quiet corner, far from the center, where no one knew him and he did not know anyone. Here he died alone, surrounded by his books and Hebrew manuscripts.

Naturally, they buried him in a Christian cemetery, and the sad ringing of bells accompanied him on his last journey, but he no longer heard them. Or - who knows? - maybe you heard? .. ".

And here is another tragicomic story by Osip Dymov, a typical Sholom Aleichem laughter through tears. I am afraid that our children, and even more so our grandchildren, will not understand this: for them it is a pathology.

“There lived a Jew named Medvetsky in Moscow. He lived quietly, had two daughters who did well in the gymnasium. He was a tailor, that is, a craftsman. Craftsmen assigned to a certain workshop had the right to live in the "white stone" as Moscow was affectionately called. Medvetsky was not G-d news what a tailor, his eyesight was poor, and, apparently, he had few orders. With what money, then, did he maintain a house of six rooms, in which there was an expensive piano, rich carpets lay on the floor and which was decorated with paintings and cushioned furniture?

Tailoring for Medvetsky was an outside occupation, nothing more than a boring duty. His real earnings, which paid for paintings, furniture, a piano, etc., consisted in the fact that he constantly underwent a rite of baptism. What does this strange thing mean?

When, for example, some Rabinovich from Minsk really needed to come and stay in Moscow, he contacted Medvetsky. So, they say, and so, Pan Medvetsky, I would like to become a Christian, that is, I don’t want to, but I must ... To this, Medvetsky asked him in a letter: what kind of Christian do you want to become, Mr. Rabinovich? If you are an Orthodox, it will cost you 600 rubles, a Catholic - 400, a Lutheran - a hundred. After the form of Christianity was settled, depending on the client's desire and the required amount, Rabinovich sent his documents to Medvetsky in Moscow. From the moment they were received, Medvetsky ceased to be Medvetsky and became Rabinovich. The new Rabinovich went to the Russian priest (if 600 rubles) or to the Catholic priest (if only 400), and the priest or priest taught him the catechism. Medvetsky-Rabinovich pretended that everything he was taught was heard for the first time - well, how could it be otherwise?

After the catechism was assimilated, Medvetsky made his way to a church or church and underwent a rite of baptism. He then sent the documents back to Minsk with a newly acquired addition regarding religion. A few days later, the true Mr. Rabinovich, a full-fledged Christian, appeared in Moscow ... No one touched him there.

So it was with Rabinovich from Minsk, with Levin from Odessa, with Rosenblum from Pinsk... Medvetsky had quite an extensive clientele: one recommended him to another... Did Medvetsky feel remorse? Did his conscience bother him? But did he himself undergo the rite of baptism? It was Rabinovich, Levin or Rosenblum, not him! He, Medvetsky, remained a Jew, but they became Christians, these foul conversions, so sick of them! Well, how did Rabinovich or Levin feel? What exactly should they have felt? Did they go to the priest? They did not learn the catechism and had never been to church in their lives. Everything was done by this bad boy from Moscow - Medvetsky, so that he was sick, this Jew who sold his soul! ..

They say that forty-two times Medvetsky accepted Christianity in his various forms depending on the wishes of the customers. Two of his Jewish daughters have already graduated from high school and have become brides. My wife went to Carlsbad "on the waters". In his house, instead of one maid, there were already two. But Medvetsky continued to be baptized and, of course, remained a Jew.

And since he continued to be a Jew, the feeling gradually grew in him that in his sewing shop difficulties began. The governor-general of Moscow, Grand Duke Sergei Alexandrovich, the uncle of the tsar, carried out a “cleansing” in the shops to get rid of the Jews.

One fine morning (although you can’t call him beautiful for Berko Medvetsky), the bailiff said that he had to leave Moscow, the city of “Forty Magpies”, as he was called by the people.

I'm finished, - muttered the heartbroken Medvetsky. - Where am I going? Why should I leave?

Listen to me, Berko, - the bailiff wanted to help him, - a certain Rabinovich from Minsk lives on my site. He is a Christian, Orthodox, and I do not touch him. Why don't you do the same?

Rabinovich? I know him well! - Medvetsky could not restrain himself. - Corrupt soul, he never respected his people, his religion! He can be baptized if he wants, but I never! No, mister bailiff, but not me, Berko Medvetsky!

And no matter how much the bailiff tried to convince him, Medvetsky stood his ground: he is a Jew and will remain a Jew, and there is no such force in the world that could force him to retreat.

It ended up that Medvetsky had to leave Moscow, "the city of forty forties", to leave his cozy house with six rooms and a piano - all that he could have only here and nowhere else.

It is impossible not to mention the pre-revolutionary Russian converted Jews who became self-haters - such as Manusevich-Manuilov, who had a hand in creating the fake "Protocols of the Elders of Zion" (see vol. 2, pp. 87 - 92) or Lenin's maternal grandfather Moshe Form. Shortly after his baptism, he wrote two letters to Tsar Nicholas I (June 7, 1845 and September 18, 1846), in which he accused the Jews of hatred of Christianity and called for strict measures to be taken against these vicious enemies of the fatherland.

V. A. Gringmut, a Jew-convert, was one of the editors of the Black Hundred newspaper Moskovskiye Novosti, the author of the Manual of the Black Hundred Monarchist, and a friend of the well-known Jew-eater Purishkevich. This is what Igor Guberman said about them:

Jew of the Slavic spill -
An anti-Semite without a foreskin.

Maybe!!! And break your word - too!

THERE IS A FREE REMEDY - PRAYER FOR BREAKING VOWS!!!

You just need to say the Jewish prayer "Kol Nidre" on Judgment Day (Yom Kippur), which is a sacred day for them (in 2011, the evening of October 7 - the evening of October 8, in 2012, the evening of September 25 - the evening of September 26, in 2013 the evening of September 13 - the evening of September 14).

When Jews go to the synagogue on the Day of Judgment, they read there is a certain prayer, moreover, standing.

This is the only prayer during which a Jew is supposed to stand.

The Jew repeats a short prayer called "Kol Nidre" three times.
In it, the Jew enters into an agreement with his god, according to which any oath, any vow, any promise that a Jew will make during next year, will be invalid:

“All vows, obligations, oaths and excommunications, called “konam, konas” or by any other name, that we promised or swore, or pledged, or with which we pledged from this Day of Forgiveness until the future happy coming of the Day of Forgiveness - we we repent of all of them. May they be considered resolved, forgiven, destroyed, null and void. They will not bind us and have no power over us. Vows will not be recognized as vows, obligations will not be binding, and an oath will not be an oath.

An oath will not be an oath, a vow will not be a vow, a promise will not be a promise.

They won't have any power. Moreover, the Talmud teaches the following: no matter what promise, vow or oath a Jew makes, he must remember the Kol Nidre prayer, which he read on the Day of Judgment.

And so he exempted from doing so.

PS: that is why in many countries in the 18th and 19th centuries Jews could not be witnesses in court!

PS2: there is an opinion that the oath of the president is not obligatory for Jews, and therefore it cannot be trusted...

So is it possible to believe the oath of the President of Russia?

UPD: Saint John Chrysostom. "Against the Jews"

"More I will ask each of the Jews: Have you not often blasphemed against God? Did they not commit all kinds of ungodliness and sins? Why, tell me, has God completely turned away from you? If you are ashamed to say the reason, I will say directly, or rather, not I, but the real Truth itself. For what you killed Christ, for what raised their hands to the Lord, for what shed precious blood- that's why there is no forgiveness for you, there is no apology ... You used to insult the prophets - Moses, Isaiah and Jeremiah, the main evil has not yet been done. And now you have eclipsed all your former iniquities, and after the villainy against Christ, there is no greater crime left for you ...

And you, my Christian brothers, are you not fed up with the struggle with the Jews? Know this: whoever is not fed up with love for Christ will never be fed up with war with His enemies…"

Listening to lectures on the history of religion by A.B. Zubov (by the way, I recommend everything - a very interesting professor and his transition from atheism to Orthodoxy is very interesting, the only problem is that he adheres to the fact that the Earth is millions of years old and, accordingly, following this, faith in a whole echelon of scientific machinations) , discovered a new unexplored topic for himself ... a Jewish anecdote ... and not just a Jewish anecdote ... you won’t believe it - a Jewish anecdote on the topic of God. I didn’t believe it myself - a nation that for centuries was afraid to mention the name of God (which was used by the cunning Jehovah’s Witnesses), was afraid to once again remember Him in vanity (which expressed itself up to an anecdotal fear of writing the very word “God” - they write or “Gd "or simply B.), which is quite characteristic of the Jews with their legally-pharisaic attitude to the commandments of God, suddenly gave birth in its depths to a whole layer of verbal culture. And here we don't know.

I think Zubov just embellished about this feature of the Jewish people, who love to poison jokes about God ... but no ... the search led to a terribly interesting article by Michael Dorfman (see notes at the end), and for completeness, it’s a matter of technology to find other sources .

It turns out that there are even whole parodies of Old Testament stories, so to speak, a humorous Midrash (something looks like atheistic parodies of the Soviet era; I did not quote them here, because they are unnecessarily cumbersome), and this does not offend the Jews themselves in any way (especially that they themselves wrote them).

But it was a hint. And here is the fairy tale itself, i.e. jokes:

An old Jew is dying. He asks his wife:
- Surele, my soul. I feel very bad. Call me a priest.
- God be with you, Abrasha! You must have lost your mind and want to call a rabbi?
- Not really. Call the priest. It is a pity to disturb our old rabbi on such a rainy night.

A Jew prays in the synagogue:
- Gotenyu, Holy God, blessed be your name. Why am I so unhappy? But every day I come to the synagogue, study a sheet from the Talmud and pray to you, pray, pray. Have I ever taken a single step since childhood without consulting you? Is there anyone else who refers to you so often? I'm so poor... Here's my godless epicoirus brother! So he has successful children, and his wife is beautiful, and the business is booming, and the house is rich. Lord, king of the universe, I do not ask why you do not punish him. I'm just asking why? Why did I get such a lot?
After long appeals, the synagogue froze and a voice announced:
“Because all you do, day after day, day after day, is that you come here and torment me!”

Moishe Levy was baptized in a Lutheran church. Before the baptism, the pastor asks what Christian name he wants to choose:
- Martin Luther, - replies the neophyte, - And what spiritual meaning does such a famous name have for you?
- You know, I don't want to change the initials on the laundry linen.

Fievel and Feitel went to be baptized. Fievel went into the font first. After the baptism Feitel asks: -
- Hey Feitel! Well, how was it?
- First, not Feitel. My name is Philip. And secondly, I don't talk to Jews. You have killed our Lord.

The unsuccessful merchant Gurevich returns home empty-handed on the eve of Hannuka. And here on the Methodist prayer house there is a large inscription “Who will accept holy baptism will receive $100. Abramovich went, was baptized and earned $100. He comes home. There, the wife asks for money for lunch. Daughter asks for a dress. The son is on a bike. Mother-in-law - for glasses. He distributed it to everyone and said to himself:
- That's how it always is. Only the unfortunate goy will earn a couple of kopecks, as these Jews will take them away from him.

- Gotenu, my Lord. Didn't I diligently study the Torah and teach it to others? Have I not diligently kept Your Law? Didn't I do good deeds, as commanded in the Teachings of the Fathers? So why is there such grief? Why did my son, my beloved son converted to Christianity.
- Is it only your son? - the voice answered him according to Jewish custom with a question for a question.

in the book "Three Rabbis in a Boat", this anecdote sounds a little different:

The father of the family comes to the rabbi with tears in his eyes.
“Rebbe,” he says through tears, “tell me what to do.” This is something terrible: my son wants to marry a shiksa*!
The rabbi answers:
- But only? I would like your problems. Here my son not only wants to marry a non-Jew, but also to accept Christianity! And they look at me, at the first person in the community, as an example. So do what you know!
There was silence. Then the parishioner asks:
- Rebbe, everyone comes to you with their problems. And who do you turn to?
- To whom else, if not to God?
- And what did he tell you about it?
- He said: "Your son? And you look at mine"
the anecdote itself seems to be so popular that here is another version that is more straightforward
An old Jew prays in the synagogue and cries.
They ask him - what's the matter, grandfather?
Oh, the old man answers, I have such grief, such a misfortune. My son has been baptized!
God's voice is heard from above: "I sympathize, but I can't help in any way - I myself have the same problem!"

our fashionistas and metrosexuals

A deeply religious person saw a dream in which God told him to become younger. He began to play sports, had a hair transplant, put in new teeth, put in contact lenses, went to Florida for a tan. And in this new guise, he stumbled along the edge of the sidewalk and got hit by a heavy truck. In heaven, to his amazement, God paid no attention to him.
Then he called out to God:
- Hey, it's me! You told me to become younger - and I became. It cost me a fortune, and now you don't even want to see me!
God took a closer look at him.
- Don't be mad at me, Irving, I just didn't recognize you.
(variation)
One Hasid fell in love with a Russian girl. He cut his sidelocks, changed his frock coat to an elegant suit, Let go of his little mustache, bought a bouquet of flowers and went on a date. A car came around the corner and hit him. When he appeared before God, he turned to him with a plaintive reproach:
- God! For what? I believed in you so much! Followed all your commandments!
And heard in response:
- Moishe, is that you? But I didn't recognize you!

Kornblum, an amateur mountaineer, thought he had enough skill to climb Mount Horeb. During the ascent, a stone falls out from under his foot, and Kornblum begins to roll down. After a few meters, he manages to grab onto the bough of a tree. He hangs on a branch and calls for help. And suddenly a trumpet voice is heard from heaven:
- My son, do you believe in me?
- Yes, Lord, I believe! And I always believed!
- Do you believe without limit?
- Yes, God, yes!
- Then let go of the bitches.
- Let go?
- Yes, I, your Lord God, command you to let go of the boughs.

and this anecdote will be appreciated by theologians and exegetes:

A young man, about twenty-five years old, knocks on the door of the famous scientist Rabbi Schwartz.
"My name is Sian Goldstein," he says. - I came to you because I want to study the Talmud.
- Do you know Aramaic? - Asked the Rabbi. - No. - And Hebrew? - No. - Have you studied the Torah?
- No, Rabbi. But don't worry about that, I graduated from Berkeley in philosophy and recently completed my Ph.D. thesis (PhD) at Harvard on Socratic logic. And now I want to complete my education by studying the Talmud a little.
- I have serious concerns that you are not ready to study the Talmud. This is the most secret book of our people. However, if you wish, I would like to test how good you are in logical reasoning, and if you successfully pass the test, then I will undertake to teach you the Talmud. The young man agreed.
Rabbi showed two fingers:
- Two people go down the chimney. One came out with a dirty face, and the other with a clean one. Which one of them is washing? The young man stared at the rabbi.
“Is this a test of logic?” The rabbi nodded affirmatively. “The one whose face is dirty is washing his face,” the young man answered boredly.
- The answer is wrong. A man with a clean face is washing himself. The logic is simple. The one whose face is dirty will look at the one whose face is clean and decide that his face is also clean. The one who has a clean face, seeing how dirty the face of another, will decide that his face is the same. Therefore, he who has a clean face is washed.
"Very cunning," said Goldstein. - Give me another task.
Again the Rabbi showed him two fingers:

- We have already established that a person with a clean face washes.
- Not true. Both are washed. the logic is simple. The one with a dirty face looks at a person with a clean face and thinks that his face is also clean. A person with a clean face looks at someone whose face is dirty and decides that his face is also dirty, and therefore goes to wash. When a person with a dirty face sees that the one with a clean face is washing himself, he also goes to wash. And thus both are washed.
“I didn't think of that,” Goldstein says. - I am shocked that I made such a logical error. Give me another task.
And again the Rabbi showed him two fingers:
- Two people go down the chimney. One came out with a dirty face, and the other with a clean one. Which one is washing?
- Washes each of them.
- Not true. None of them wash. the logic is simple. A man with a dirty face looks at one with a clean face and decides that his face is clean. The one with a clean face looks at a person with a dirty face and thinks that his face is dirty. But when a person with a clean face notices that the one with a dirty face does not wash, then he also decides not to wash. And thus, none of them washes.
Goldstein in despair:
- I am qualified to study the Talmud. Please give me another task.
He lets out a groan when he sees the Rabbi showing two fingers:
- Two people go down the chimney. One came out with a dirty face, and the other with a clean one. Which one is washing?
- Nobody washes.
- Not true. Now you see, Sian, why is the logic of Socrates not an acceptable basis for the study of the Talmud? Tell me, how can it happen that two people who go down the same chimney come out one with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? What, don't you understand? The question itself is narishkeit, stupidity, and if you spend your life looking for answers to stupid questions, then all your answers will also be stupid.

The man went to the zoo and ended up in a cage with a lion. There he sees the literal fulfillment of Isaiah's prophecy - a lion and a calf in the same cage. Astonished, he calls the attendant.
- How long do a lion and a calf live in the same cage?
- It's been more than a year.
- How do you do it?
- It is not difficult. Every morning we launch a new calf.

From the Jewish site:

Three proofs that Christ was a Jew:
First, he was thirty-three years old and still living with his mother.
Secondly, he believed that his mother was a virgin.
And thirdly, his mother believed that her son was God.

A Jew dreamed of an angel.
- You lead a righteous life, and God decided to reward you. What do you want: fame, money, power, wisdom?
- Wisdom, thinking, said the Jew.
You have become the wisest of the wise! What do you say?
- You should have taken the money!

- It is said in Scripture: "Gold belongs to me, and silver belongs to me."
So I asked God: "If all the gold and silver are yours, what is for you, Lord, some 10 thousand?! Lend them to me just for one day."
- Why only one?
Because one day for God is like a thousand years. For it is said in Scripture: "And a thousand years for you is yesterday."
- And what did God answer you?
- He told me to wait until tomorrow.

Drought. Jews come to the rabbi and ask him to make it rain.
- No, - the rabbi tells them, - I won't be able to perform this miracle, because you don't have faith in the Lord.
- Why do you say that, Rebbe?
- Because if you really believed, you would come with umbrellas!

A Jew is standing at the wailing wall and has been praying for a week: "Lord! Send me wealth!" The second week he prays, the third ... In the end, how he cries out:
"Lord! You might think: I'm talking to the wall!!!"

- Why is the seven written with a horizontal line in the middle? - Because when Moses came down from Mount Sinai, he began to read the ten commandments to the people and reached the seventh<Не прелюбодействуй>, everyone shouted in unison: "Cross out the seven, cross it out!"

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