Comic horoscope for zodiac signs. Comic love horoscope Funny zodiac signs

Humor and positive. Three themes in one:
1. Evaluation of the signs of the zodiac from the position of Thinks-Speaks-Does.
2. Behavior of signs after sex.
3. Life principles of the signs of the zodiac.

Aries: Thinks a lot. He says little. Does it right.
Calf: Thinks about many things. He speaks persuasively. He does what he does.
Twins: Thinks about himself. Says what he thinks. Does - thinks very well.
Cancer: Thinks all the time. He says it's tempting. Does what they say.
A lion: Thinks exactly. He says it's redundant. He does what he couldn't get out of.
Virgo: Thinks one. Says something else. Does - the third, but well.
Scales: Thinks it's redundant. He says honestly. Does it responsibly.
Scorpion: Thinks in focus. He says exactly. Does what you like.
Sagittarius: He thinks - that only he ... He says - that everything except him .. He does it - by proxy.
Capricorn: He thinks what comes to mind. He says what he thinks. He does what he can.
Aquarius: He thinks - "what do you need?" Says - "well, if necessary" Does - the best.
Fish: Thinks no one knows. He speaks - he is smart. Does - depending on whether they check the work.

After sex. Jokes about zodiac signs

Aries: Okay, here we go again!
Taurus: I want to eat! Pass me the pizza!
Gemini: Where's the TV remote?
Cancer: When will we get married?
Leo: Wasn't I (a) great (great)?
Virgo: Let me see the sheets
Libra: If you liked it, I liked it too
Scorpio: Perhaps now you can untie
Sagittarius: Don't call me, I'll call myself
Capricorn: Do you have a business card?
Aquarius: And now let's try WITHOUT clothes!
Pisces: So what do you say your name is?

Life principles of the signs of the zodiac.
In every joke, they say, there is a share of humor)))

Aries:
1. It's better not to argue with me.
2. First I will do it, then I will think.
3. Where the rest slow down, I step on the gas.
4. I will be forever young.
5. Do as I do, because you can’t do better anyway.
6. The most difficult thing is to listen to the interlocutor to the end.
7. Stubbornness is not a vice.
8. It is easy to control the situation, it is more difficult to control your emotions.
9. One Aries is good, two Aries is a lot.
10. I don't attack first. But God forbid you hurt me.

Calf:
1. Do not feel sorry for the money to buy, sorry for the party.
2. I don't need someone else's, don't touch mine.
3. A bad peace is better than a good quarrel.
4. Do not disturb the one who is well seated.
5. Better a beautiful sofa than a beautiful sunset.
6. Food is a serious thing.
7. An affectionate calf sucks two queens.
8. When you ride second, you save energy.
9. I hate disposable lighters!
10. The taster is my true calling.

Twins:
1. Today I am not the same as yesterday.
2. Who owns the situation, he owns the information.
3. One mind is good, but two is better, especially if both belong to the same person.
4. Figaro here, Figaro there.
5. The idea, like other products, should not be stale.
6. One TV, telephone in the house is good, but three is better.
7. Who did not have time, he was late.
8. I move through life like a scooter on water - I don’t go deep, but quickly.
9. I don’t answer “for the market” at the market.
10. I love quantity because there is not enough time for quality.

Cancer:
1. My home is my castle.
2. Babysitting others is my true calling.
3. It would be nice to stock up on everything in the world, and patience and jam.
4. Everything comes to the one who knows how to wait.
5. Meet your friends at home, not in a cafe.
6. Nothing warms the soul like the sight of a stocked refrigerator.
7. It is better to save up, but buy a worthy thing.
8. It's hard to live where there is nowhere to hide.
9. I carry my past with me like a backpack.
10. Is it really possible to wear out a coat in twenty years?

A lion:
1. I will lead you into the distance of light.
2. It is better to give support than to receive it.
3. Nice manners are half the battle.
4. The sun shines on Leo.
5. A beautiful sign on the office door is more important than a high salary.
6. I like to earn well, and even more - to spend.
7. A grand piano in the house is better than a piano, even if there is no one to play it.
8. Despite my friendly appearance, I am a dictator at heart.
9. If you do - so in a big way.
10. Why do you need the sun if I'm with you????

Virgo:
1. Patience and work will grind everything.
2. Modesty adorns not only a girl, but also a maiden.
3. Everyone lives for himself, but serves others.
4. Order is needed everywhere: both in thoughts and in the kitchen.
5. Prove to me strictly logically that we are made for each other.
6. Crooked hanging shelf drives me crazy.
7. On a large scale, I get lost.
8. I have a hard time getting the pits out of a whole bucket of cherries.
9. In every Virgo lives a cool lady.
10. Fly agaric certainly needs to catch the eye, and white mushroom - and so good.

Scales:
1. Without a partner - like without hands.
2. The most disgusting thing is to argue.
3. Win by agreeing.
4. Only fools are principled.
5. Involve anyone in anything.
6. Beauty will save the world.
7. Everything must be done according to the mood.
8. The most difficult thing is to make a choice.
9. Not all "and" should be dotted.
10. I myself don’t know if I’m for the Whites or the Reds.

Scorpion:
1. Sorry, no one to sting.
2. Every event is like a sofa: it must have hidden springs.
3. There must be a good reason to smile.
4. You can get rid of everything, but not from your own passions.
5. I sing a song of love on the battlefield. 6. Not everyone can stand my gaze.
7. My passions rarely come out, like a shark that rarely comes to the surface.
8. The world is lost without knights.
9. Otella has not yet died out in the land!
10. I look like a cactus - my fabulous flower is revealed for the elite.

Sagittarius
1. There should be many good people.
2. To whom I owe, I forgive everyone.
3. The best vacation is a trip around the world.
4. The main thing in the problem is its scale.
5. My ideal is Ivan Tsareevich.
6. It is impossible to be angry with me.
7. Remorse - what is it?
8. Obligation adorns only mediocre people.
9. Worrying in advance is stupid, let's look at the situation.
10. Not an obligatory person, it is simply obliged to be obligatory.

Capricorn:
1. I'm not a springer or even a stayer. I am a marathon runner.
2. And one warrior in the field.
3. Do not break the laws - another will do, but you will be caught.
4. For myself, I need very little. My property is just a mirror of my successes.
5. Life is like a train that arrives at every station exactly on schedule.
6. It's nice to talk about distant countries while sitting at home.
7. Real Capricorn, like cognac, is distinguished by aging.
8. It is worth climbing to the top all your life in order to spit down from there once.
9. Only I get younger with age.
10. I’m going - I’m going, I don’t whistle, but when I hit it, I won’t let it go.

Aquarius:
1. How boring it is to be like others!
2. If I came up with you, become what I want.
3. Prejudices are for fools.
4. The future just has to be great.
5. It's hard to be an angel, but it's necessary.
6. Good intention is more important than good deeds.
7. To become an innovator, you must first forget about tradition.
8. Sex? There are more important things in life.
9. First friends, and then family ... if, of course, there is time left.
10. I am not kinder, I am not more cheerful.

Fish:
1. Sympathy is more important than helping.
2. I can not refuse alcohol, like a fish from water.
3. Order was invented by boring people.
4. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
5. You never know what I can promise...
6. Working in a hurry is the same as swallowing without chewing.
7. Ready to understand everyone, but not yourself.
8. Willow bends in a storm, and oak falls.
9. Everyone knows that I am always busy, but few people know what exactly.
10. Do not put pressure on me, otherwise I will slip away like a fish out of my hands!
Source /www.liveinternet.ru/users/in-light/post209299345/>
STEP on the RAKE:
Aries: stepping on a rake, he will become so enraged that he will break them, but in the process he will get five more times in the head with them.
Taurus: will step on the rake again and again until it breaks.
Gemini: will be able to decide where to go only after stepping on all the rakes.
Cancer: This alone will make him take a step forward.
Leo: Will tell everyone how cool it is and encourage everyone to do the same.
Virgo: will advance slowly and methodically. I am sure that if you step in the right way, everything will work out.
Libra: they will doubt for a very long time, and, having made the only right decision, they will step on the biggest ones.
Scorpio: if he notices that it was, he is unlikely to think about it.
Sagittarius: will definitely try to take revenge and come again.
Capricorn: stepping on a rake will understand that he stepped on them, but this hardly means anything.
Aquarius: will only step on the rake he likes.
Pisces: they will blame themselves for this all their lives. The only consolation is that thanks to them, someone else did not step on the rake.

funny horoscope 3.40 /5 (5 votes)

Aries is an emotional bastard.

If he is passionate about something, he does not bother to explain his actions to others, he simply acts as he sees fit. To ask for forgiveness - pride does not allow. I am convinced that the truth is in it.
Excuses: “Something rolled up”, “Damn beguiled” etc.

Taurus is a greedy bastard.

Obsessed with buying. A targeted avenger, always calculates the trajectory of the blow, to be sure.
Excuses: "You deserve this fate".

Gemini is a careless bastard.

She loves games, jokes, funny companies. The eternal dichotomy of evil and good. For the sake of a joke, he devalues ​​the rules and traditions, depriving them of drama, sincerely not understanding what he is doing and quickly forgets about it.
Excuses: “Are you offended? WHY?"

Cancer is a miserable bastard.

Because of his vulnerability, vulnerability, susceptibility, he is always an "angel-like creature" innocently injured, while the opponent is a monster in a "devilish guise" even if Cancer himself is a champion in filth and dirty tricks. He will also make sure that the whole world knows how you have treated him unfairly.
Excuses: "It's your fault that I'm like this!"

Leo is a pompous bastard.

Well, everything is clear here, the crown presses, the greatness of the world distorts. Everything is divided into “He” and “the rest.” He is great, others are dust underfoot.
Excuses: "I so wanted to."

Virgo is a vindictive bastard.

In the eternal pursuit of perfection, impeccability and correctness, she draws her portrait of “God in the flesh on earth”, such a walking messiah and do not let you be imprudent to speak unsatisfactorily, unprofitably about her. Can wait long and hard for the right chance to remember.
Excuses: Triumphant "Do you remember …"

Libra is a mercantile bastard.

Windy and changeable. Great virtuosos extricate themselves from sticky situations. A real politician pursuing his own interests, if necessary, will promise, lie, slander.
Excuses: no. Got drunk and fled.

Scorpio is a top notch bastard.

A lover of creating a veil of mystery around himself such that he himself gets entangled in it, plus an unquenchable thirst for an ideal clouds their minds, forcing them to position themselves as an instrument of justice and retribution. If from their point of view you broke any rules, you should be punished.
Excuses: no.

Sagittarius is a bastard.

A very complex being, eager to prove himself in the field of social activity and quite successful in this matter. Tram squabbles, bazaar skirmishes, all kinds of quarrels and conflicts in which you can take your soul away - this is his element.
Excuses: raised tone, meaningless text, obscene language.

Capricorn is a stupid bastard.

Just as an ostrich hides its head in the sand, believing that there is no danger, so a capricorn, resting its horns “anywhere” does not want to see, feel and make decisions. Moreover, he firmly believes that if he persists in this way, the problem will be resolved by itself, and even according to his scenario, and when he sees the ashes around him, he will be stupidly surprised: “How did it happen?”.
Excuses: "It happened".

Aries is always pleased with himself, which is reflected on his face. He rarely thinks, says and does the same thing. Usually he does everything wrong, but just dare to tell him about it. Then you will regret that you were born into the world. There are legends about the stubbornness of Aries, and not surprisingly, a ram, he is a ram.

If he rests, you can't move him from his place. He always has two opinions on all events and phenomena, one is his, the other is wrong. Aries says that he is never wrong, and therefore he believes that God was most likely an Aries.

In love, Aries are just as stubborn as in everything else. And if he achieves someone's location, then he does this until the object of his passion gets tired of refusing him. And when he achieves the location of a partner, he himself does not know why he needed it.

In the process of the siege (it lasts a very long time), the object loses its attractiveness for him. Those who fall in love with Aries should only be sorry.
In the family, Aries loves to point out, but does not want to do anything. And from such a comfortable position for him, he would never be moved.

Cheerful horoscope for Taurus

Taurus is very stubborn, in this, he is similar to Aries. Only one who will admire Taurus, tell him that he is always right, and, meanwhile, passing off his ideas as the ideas of Taurus, will be able to convince him. Taurus women are very emotional and trusting.

She talks about her love relationships only in superlatives. And, if a man tells her that he cannot live without her, she really believes it.

Taurus men are hoarders and hoarders. They drag into the house everything they can get their hands on: old household appliances, broken furniture, a woman they don't need. And then they wonder why the house is so crowded and noisy (the noise is from a woman who also cannot understand why she was brought here).

Taurus are very fond of various conflicts and gladly take the most ardent part in them, not being interested in the cause of the conflict. And when they find out the reason for the showdown, they beat their chest and say: “Oh my, because of what nonsense they fought!”.

Cheerful horoscope for Gemini

Gemini are two very similar people rolled into one. Since they are very similar, it annoys them and they argue all the time. If one says, “I want this woman,” the other necessarily objects, “What do you need this slut for?” And as a result, the Gemini man chooses another, and then is surprised, “And what did I find in her?”.

Gemini women are contradictory and fickle in their passions. They change men so often that sometimes they don’t even have time to remember the name of the next partner. And in order not to completely get confused in the names of their counterparts, they call everyone the same “my Hercules”, until the next lover turns out to be a short, skinny man.

He, of course, takes such an appeal as a mockery. In everyday life, Gemini is very indecisive. They cannot make the right decision quickly, because one Gemini pulls in one direction, the other - (out of harm) in the other. And it turns out, as in the immortal work of V.I. Lenin "One step forward, two steps back"

Cheerful horoscope for Cancer

Cancers are very cowardly and shy. They are constantly afraid that they will be accused of what, so they try to please everyone and give everyone a bunch of impossible promises. They speak mainly in slogans and stereotypes, so that others do not suspect them of some kind of ulterior motives.

Crayfish lie without blushing (red crayfish are only boiled) and very inventive. Not without reason, among politicians, there are so many Cancers.
In love, Cancers are very careful, meticulously and carefully choose a partner for themselves, even for life, even for the night. Rummaging and sorting out, as in the collapse of second-hand.

And when friends are surprised at such a long search for their beloved (beloved): “What are you choosing a cow for?” Cancers thoughtfully answer: “You can sell a cow, but with this (this) you will suffer all your life (night).

At work, Cancers are sycophants and sycophants, their bosses are gods and celestials, but if the opportunity arises (and it will be safe for Cancer), they will gladly set their feet on their beloved boss.

Cheerful horoscope for Leo

The lion is the king of animals in nature. People of the Leo zodiac sign never forget this. They are arrogant, selfish, always confident in their superiority and do not tolerate other people's opinions. You will be Leo's best friend if you constantly flatter him and praise his virtues.

Lions are very fond of hanging their portraits on the walls, and the larger the images, the better.
Lion women, like the females of the "black widow" spider, if they do not destroy their chosen one immediately after the night of love, then they gnaw at him for the rest of their lives, or until the partner has enough patience.

Leo men love only themselves, they are simply not capable of loving someone else. Therefore, they choose for themselves women who know only two words "yes" and "I obey."

Cheerful horoscope for Virgo

If your zodiac sign is Virgo, then your family and friends are terribly unlucky. You are obsessed with order, scrupulousness and cleanliness. Virgos are extremely accurate and methodical. The need to tidy up and restore cleanliness turns into a passion for them. If you get up from an armchair or sofa in Virgo's apartment, she immediately begins to smooth the cape and shake off non-existent dust from it.

If Virgo gets into a small car accident, then the first thing she says to the inspector who comes up about the second participant in the accident is: “No wonder this teapot had an accident, look how dirty his car is!”.

A mandatory item in the house of the Virgo is a magnifying glass. With her help, she examines all the furnishings in the house, so she is looking for dust particles.
Virgo also strictly plans love relationships, meetings, and sex with her partner take place on schedule.

Cheerful horoscope for Libra

Scales are languid and graceful and full of incomprehensible mystery and incomprehensible, to the rest of mankind, nobility. They love to dress fashionably and carefully follow fashion. Their craving to look fashionable is so great that if someone assures them that it is fashionable: Libra women will put on a skirt inside out, and men will wear a shirt instead of trousers and tie it in a knot at the waist.

Libra loves to teach everyone and explain everything to everyone. For example, with tenacity worthy of a better application, they will tell you how coffee latte differs from coffee with milk. And it is useless to object to them that they are one and the same.

In love, Libras are mysterious and unpredictable. Sometimes the chosen one (chosen one) of Libra cannot understand what the Libra partner is trying to say. Either he invites you to an intimate date, or he says goodbye forever.

Cheerful horoscope for Scorpio

Scorpios consider themselves irresistible personalities, they can look in the mirror for hours and admire their own person. They are great inventors and are always full of grandiose plans, but as soon as it comes to putting these plans into practice, they stop at the very first difficulties, while saying “I didn’t really want to.”

Scorpios are very loving and obscenely sexy. They are proud of their love victories and talk about it on every corner. Here is just one small nuance, Scorpio men like such women, looking at whom the rest of the men say: “No, I can’t drink so much vodka,” and Scorpio women choose for themselves such chosen ones, about whom we can say that they just climbed down from a tree yesterday or crawled out onto land.

Cheerful horoscope for Sagittarius

Sagittarius are such adventurers that it is simply dangerous to be near them. They may offer you to jump with a parachute, assuring you that they have done it a hundred times and even offer to fold your parachute. Do not agree to anything, otherwise, their satisfied face will be the last thing you see in life.

Do not try to introduce your chosen one (chosen one), if it is Sagittarius, to your parents. The ancestors will be shocked.
Sagittarians are careless and unfaithful lovers. Having parted with you in the evening, assuring you of his passionate love, in the morning he may simply not remember you.

Cheerful horoscope for Capricorn

Capricorns are a kind of mixture of Leo and Virgo. They believe that they are as charismatic as Leos and as logical as Virgos. In fact, they have the self-importance of Lions and the despondency of Devs.

Capricorns are terrible workaholics, but they work with such a gloomy and dull look that they just want to say: “Put on a different face, a little more fun.”

In love, Capricorns are pessimists. His chosen one (chosen one) can prove his love a hundred times, but Capricorn is firmly convinced that he will certainly be abandoned. What happens most often is that the partner gets tired of fighting the universal despondency of Capricorn.

Cheerful horoscope for Aquarius

Aquarians are the most "knowledgeable" people in the world. Ask Aquarius what Nadezhda Krupskaya was ill with in childhood or what stars the Sagittarius constellation consists of, and he will tell you everything with a smart look and very extensively.

Aquarians are very fond of their body, they love to be naked, and therefore they are very willing to visit nudist beaches.
Aquarians are wonderful lovers, and if you still listen to them constantly, agree with everything and admire their vast knowledge, Aquarius will love you like Romeo.

Cheerful horoscope for Pisces

Pisces are very vindictive creatures, God forbid, offend this sign. Outwardly, they will not show that they are offended, but later on you will regret for a long time that you offended Pisces.

Pisces are very slow in everything, and they are the same drivers. If you see that a car is driving along the highway at a speed of 40-50 km per hour, be sure that a representative of this sign is driving.

In love, Pisces are cold and predictable, it's about them they say "snulled fish." But they consider themselves to be almost Scorpions in a love relationship.

ARIES
How to love an Aries

Like Taurus, Aries is often best killed, but if you already love him, be prepared for the fact that you are always "worse than him." He has such a strong desire to rule and control that he simply will not let you really do anything yourself - and with a sigh “you have to redo everything for you”, he will move you away from all things.
Humble yourself. Wait for the moment when Aries screw up. Suggest your solution to the problem. Wait for Aries to screw up for the third and thirtieth time. Don't disturb him. After that, he will start to trust you a little more, and your feelings of guilt and annoyance will decrease. If you are ready to always be on the sidelines, your place is next to Aries. If not, then be prepared for the fact that Aries will pursue you harshly in order to understand why you will not enter into his spell. Your authority in his eyes will fall as soon as you behave. Therefore, even if you are passionately in love, do not show it. Ten years is enough for you.
When it comes to sex, Aries always knows what he wants and gets it. His passion is almost pointless and not connected with a partner, fantasies are less important to him than the process itself. Everything is fine with his physiology, so partners can be very different and this is not connected with love and falling in love. The passion of Aries is always dangerous and destructive for a partner, as Aries are demanding and not inclined to compromise. They make good sadists, and if you're a masochist, go ahead. The whip will always be in his hand. He will gladly take responsibility for your life if you obey unquestioningly. The only time an Aries tends to show tenderness is when he is sick. Then, perhaps, you will be able to caress him and he will calm down on your chest almost like a tender kitten. For five minutes.
TAURUS
How to love a Taurus

I'm skeptical that it's better to kill him right away, but if your hand doesn't rise, you'll have to be patient.
Stand up straight, feet shoulder width apart. No, a little wider. Get your feet firmly on the ground. Bend over a little. See that at this moment Taurus does not come up from behind, otherwise everything is down the drain. Is he a misunderstanding or half asleep in front? Great.
Lean towards him and tightly wrap your arms around his twisted horns. You are fighting. Fight, I said! Do not try to let go of your hand for a moment and stroke his delicate velvet nostrils - you will have a perforation with a horn immediately. And you don’t need to look into his supposedly sad eyes - he will immediately roll out a tender large tear the size of your fist, especially to pity and lull your vigilance.
Now press very hard on his horns so that he steps back. See how firmly he rests his hooves in the roadside dust. Did you manage to get him to retreat a millimeter? This is an illusion. Your task is to make sure that he does not press your back against something unpleasant, such as a fence. Press on his horns softly and gently, but firmly and harshly. You do not know how to do it at the same time? Then you'd better shamefully run away right now.
So stand, fighting and not giving up, blowing your bangs from your forehead, be silent and do not try to loosen your grip. Sometimes, to make it more fun, you can lean in and kiss him on the nose and explain that it doesn't mean anything. This is the relationship with Taurus.
When it comes to sex, it's still more exciting. Have you ever screamed with rage during an orgasm? You have lost a lot. You can pat him on the back. When he sleeps with his horns against the wall. If you want him to say a few kind words to you after sex, break off or shake his breasts. What you shake out will be affectionate words. By the way, he tries his best. I do not rule out that some Taurus, if handled correctly, can even prepare breakfast for you - if in the evening you poured water into a glass, cut bread and put it all in a prominent place.

TWINS
How to love Gemini

They are reputed to be frivolous for one simple reason - because of excessive romance. They are such idealists that if you hear a Gemini's inner monologue, you will be amazed at how similar it is to the monologue of a little girl or boy during a period of fascination with princesses, princes and dragons. Geminis always look at the world with anticipation and curiosity, and always doubt if there is something more suitable around the corner.
To captivate a Gemini for a long time, you need to leave him suddenly and with special deceit. Only in this case, they will be distracted for a long time from calculating more romantic options, and will turn their eyes on you, full of tears and a silent question. Explain to them that they are the love of your life, that you saw a girl or boy like them in your favorite book of childhood about princesses and dragons, and you cannot allow a childhood dream to be endangered by their frivolity. You left to save your love for them. This will impress them, and the Gemini is in your pocket.
As for sex, for Gemini it does not exist without gentle and beautiful words. So if you are a great silent man, learn at least quotes from Shakespeare and whisper them in your ear during the foreplay. The twins will appreciate, open up and trust, and then they will brag to their girlfriends and friends that everything is like in a fairy tale. In sex, Gemini is not particularly hot, but this will pass with time - when they are convinced that after sex everything looks like a relationship of magical heroes. Then the tenderness of Gemini will shake you to the core.

CANCER
How to love Cancer

You know, he won't tell you anything. And the first four hundred times he will forgive you wholeheartedly. And on 401 he will collect his belongings and quietly close the door behind him. Therefore, I ask you to be attentive to Cancers. Don't rely on their shell to protect them from injury. With those they love, they are without a shell, and only your own thick skin can drive them there. They are gentle. Very. And they are attentive. Very. You will quickly get used to the fact that your favorite brand of tea is on the table and that in the morning your love moves tactfully and carefully around the room, trying not to wake you up. They know how to be careful with their loved ones, learn to answer them the same. They are more used to giving than taking. Therefore, it is so difficult, but so necessary to please Cancer with at least something!
They can really forgive you everything except lack of culture - in all its senses. You can be haphazardly dressed, but you can’t arbitrarily and say anything - this will quickly disappoint them. Cancers are smart but undemanding to others, and would rather bypass difficult places, people and situations than try to change something. Therefore, if your Cancer is silent and it seems to you that you are getting away with everything, know that he is looking closely and drawing conclusions.
In sex, they are ready to go to the most complex and risky experiments, and the same cold-blooded readiness will be required from you, even if you are shocked or not ready for something. The result will be immense surprise to yourself and to him - and your general ability to open up.

lions
How to love a Leo

Oh, he doesn't take criticism at all. But this is the only sign that, not enduring criticism, nevertheless listens to it very carefully and secretly from you. If you tell him not to wear green, he will growl so that you cover your head with your hands. But in three weeks, not a single green thing will remain in his wardrobe. Unless, of course, he considers you an authority.
In order for your Leo to consider you an authority, you must be infinitely honest with him. If you tear and torment, and curse at him, he will treat this with more respect than your silent humility, with which you, God forbid, were going to swallow tears and resentment. In general, he appreciates open manifestations of feelings, but here's the paradox - he appreciates restraint almost more. He will treat you with silent admiration if he sees that you have held back the storm and clearly, point by point, outlined to him what you want.
And Leos love tenderness so much - they simply need it. It's hard to be a Leo all the time, sometimes you want to lie down and be scratched behind your ear. And for scratching behind the Leo's ear, you will need all his trust in you. Be persistent and serious, demanding and calm - be loving, but do not dare to lisp.
In sex, Lions are not so much interested in the physiological process as in the emotional surroundings - he must feel his influence on you, so listen carefully to his touches and whispers, listen with all your skin. And always react honestly, although it doesn't hurt to turn up the volume a little: if you are dying of pleasure, moan. And if out of rage - growl. Louder! He needs to hear it. A silent, pseudo-mysterious creature in bed will cause Leo outright boredom.

VIRGO
How to love a Virgo

Get some silver cutlery and monogram your tablecloths. Fight crumbs and dust every 15 minutes. Strictly look at those who hold the fork incorrectly and drink without dabbing their lips with a napkin. Condemn it. Your floors should shine clean. Your clothes must be ironed.
And you still can't outdo Virgo. The only way to win her heart is to find fault with her endlessly. Virgo is the only one of the signs who sees in this the desire to achieve perfection from her. Virgos love to be perfect and will be infinitely grateful to you for being indifferent to her imperfections. Praise her sparingly, and grunt skeptically in response to her tales of accomplishment. "You can do better!" – this should be your refrain. Then Virgo will become yours - after all, everyone else does not pull her strict scale of values. Demanding and demanding again - that's what Virgo is a symbol of your serious intentions. And only in one you can be gouging - choose something harmless for yourself, such as the inability to immediately find the desired channel on TV or some stupidity in relations with Yandex. Let Virgo feel her superiority - she will immediately become affectionate and pat you on the head.
As for sex, Virgo is a puritan at heart. Implement all your depraved fantasies into life very carefully. In no case, not under the slogan "I want this so much!". But only under the slogan "We must deal with this!" and "You can do better!" This stimulates the Virgo's erogenous zones better than any foreplay. If you stimulate her properly, she will become the champion of any pornographic fantasy. Just try not to look her in the face at this time - instead of inspiration or pleasure, you can easily see sports concentration there. But that's forgivable, because she's doing it for you.

SCALES
How to love a Libra

Libras, by and large, are rather boring creatures, let's admit it to ourselves already. Why boring? Because they have in their heads a book invisible to the world, where their Spring Rules are written. And if other signs of the Zodiac have the Criminal Code or a collection of comics as such a book, then for Libra it is more like a recipe book for the Tikhosvyatsky Convent. Nothing modest, everything is just lean, from your garden, and a little bit of beet tops as an entertainment.
If you want to captivate Libra, then show them your "mental" book. Fake the name if you really need it: instead of "Picture Pornography", write "The Code of Rules of the Suvorov School". Explain that in general the word “rules” is key for you in life. Dictate the first Rule to Libra: your rules are the most correct. Let them write it down. Then, when they are used to writing, carefully show them the first chapter. Say that this is taught in the Suvorov School. That it is noble and promotes digestion. And if they weigh the pros and cons too long and painfully, just tell them that you love them. Especially if it's true. Then Libra will cry and trust you, even if you are a scoundrel. Or a rascal.
As for sex, first you still have to marry Libra. Well, or get married. Look what gender they are. If you still haven't done it, don't be fooled - Libra has no doubt that you will, and have already prepared the text of the invitation cards. Only after your signature under it will you persuade these cautious stubborn people into a funny pose “A woman and a man as a factor in the world revolution”: where it is not clear who is on top.

SCORPION
How to love a Scorpio

Nobody loves me, says Scorpio, and goes to lie face down on the sofa. In a niche, he thinks sad detailed thoughts - why they don’t like, why they don’t like, how exactly they don’t like.
Please, those who love Scorpio, remember - if he says that he was unsuccessfully cut, do not say - "nothing, it will grow back." Scorpio begins to grieve so that the heart breaks. And why? Because Scorpio understands that you, his love, admit the idea that he is scary in this hairstyle / bald head. Scary right here and now.
So, if you want to continue to love Scorpio, you must say: they can’t cut you unsuccessfully! You are the most beautiful! Always. Among all. The best. And God forbid you say - "I love you in any way." What are you!! Scorpio does not happen "at least some"!
But you know, if Scorpio is sure that he is loved, then it is better not to find a sign. He is capable of everything and does everything better than anyone else. He is demanding of himself and of you. And if you respond to his demands, then together you will make a very powerful union, to which the devil himself is not afraid.
And, please, your Scorpio girl or boy, know that it is very important for him how you look. You must have external and internal discipline, and do not even hope that they will give excuses in the style of "it will do."

Please, please, be silent with him in sex, just do what you want with him and don't be afraid of his resistance. Scorpios get tired of always being the strongest. And then look into his eyes and see how happy and generous he can be. This is the most generous, in every sense, sign of the Zodiac. Generous for emotions, for gratitude, for attention, for tenderness.

archers
How to love Sagittarians

They don't complain. Almost never. They carry the entire burden of their problems alone, not trusting anyone. And also because they believe that this is their own burden - and no one is obliged to help them. Close people are trampling around, stretching out their hands to take some of the weight on themselves - but Sagittarius shove them with their elbows.
So that they understand that you are not a random person in their life, make sure that they accidentally hear you praising them to someone. This will be a real discovery for them: “How, next to me is a person who really appreciates me??” Sagittarius are proud, but such masochists that they will be stubborn for a couple more months before they tell you about problems at work or with health, or simply bury themselves in your shoulder. But if they do, do not flatter yourself that it will always be so. You will have to tame them again and again, and you will if you really need a Sagittarius.
As for sex, you can’t find a softer and more tender Sagittarius, but because of fatigue and incredulity, he does not reveal himself in full force. It is useless to provoke him. He needs a massage, just caresses, just tenderness, and only with this will you light him up. If in the morning Sagittarius, singing, bakes pancakes in the kitchen, it means that at night you did everything right.

CAPRICORN
How to love Capricorn

The main feature of Capricorn is its terrible secrecy. He, on pain of death, does not admit that he is really tormented, worried and worried. He shows tenderness only if he thinks that he is saying goodbye to you forever. It is so painfully difficult for him to talk about love, as if he betrays the secret of the Cuban partisans, and if you shake it out of him, then he will avoid you and be embarrassed for a long time. And all why? Because Capricorn is actually terribly vulnerable, terribly gentle and obsessed with passions. His devotion to you is not obvious, and you will encounter it at the most unexpected moment. Capricorn is one of the most loving signs of the zodiac. Love for him is a serious undertaking that rarely happens to him, so he gives himself to it entirely and completely, not exchanging for petty nit-picking and betrayal.
If you get into a relationship with Capricorn, you will be amazed at the magnitude of mutual feelings. This sign is not capable of small romances and passions, and sooner or later you will find that your relationship has taken your whole life with it, like a funnel. So if you don’t have love torment in your plans, stay away from Capricorn, you still won’t be able to swim shallowly with him. And if you still need it, don't give up. He is stubborn, and you are even more stubborn!
As for sex, Capricorn at first may seem like a hypocrite to you. He hardly speaks obscenities, he does not boast of victories on the sexual front. But if for some reason he trusted you, then you will find that your sex has become like boiling lava - scary, exciting and beautiful at the same time. If Capricorn allows himself everything that he has forbidden himself before, then you will see an element that resembles a crazy thunderstorm - uncontrollable and striking with lightning exactly on your erogenous zones. True, for this you need absolutely nothing - to coincide with him in his fantasies and inspire complete confidence in him. How to do it? There are no recipes.

AQUARIUS
How to love Aquarius

Aquarius is his own enemy. He does not believe that he can be loved just like that, for what he is. He believes that special merits are needed. He strives to measure his merits in figures and biography facts, and his own list is always unconvincing for him. Therefore, he does not believe in declarations of love and suffers bitterly, suspecting a partner of unknown self-interest.
If you want to convince him, make a scene for him. Shame him. Say that he torments you with his distrust, especially since Aquarians know how to do this. They slam shut at the most unexpected moment, negating all your efforts, and you can tell by the stubborn crease between the eyebrows that Aquarius is again extremely skeptical. He is not convinced by words or deeds. Only your suffering can convince him. Spread the word that you're drinking or shooting if Aquarius has rejected you. And just sit back and wait. He will drag himself downcast and guilty, he still won’t believe in your love to the end, but he will come to terms with the fact that for some unknown reason you want to be with him for some reason. Aquarians often hear from their mothers: “What a fool you are, he loves you so much!” and answer - "Oh, mom, I beg you, what love!"
So Aquarians suffer themselves and torment people who love them. Therefore, if you get in touch, show firmness of character and be prepared for the struggle of Aquarius with you and with yourself.
As for sex, Aquarians are shy about their passions. And after a stormy night, they can become closed in order to compensate for the balance of tenderness and skepticism in the body. If you play along with Aquarius, he will be even more upset and decide that everything seemed to him at night. Therefore, embrace the gloomy morning Aquarius and confirm everything that was said and done at night. - the truth and he did not dream. For three days you will get a chirping, cheerful Aquarius. Further it will be easier. He will get used to the good and thaw.

FISH
How to love Pisces

Never use foul language with Pisces during premarital dating. Don't even mention the word "ass". Be skeptical about the occult and mysticism, but then, taking Pisces aside, say the following phrase: “You seemed to me the only person here who was trustworthy. The thing is, I see an aura and it scares me.”
For the next six months, Pisces are yours. From notorious agnostics, over the course of their lives they become almost psychics and believe in a higher mind. Who doesn't believe in him? But Pisces are looking for confirmation of the existence of subtle worlds with all their fishy meticulousness. And, despite the analytical mind, they hope a little childishly that they exist, other worlds are magical, magical, and we just forgot the door through which we got into them before. Support Pisces in this hobby.
There should be philosophy in your life, but there should not be extreme sports. There should be traditional values ​​and some otherworldly experience. Such a mixture of sober practicality and at the same time a penchant for mysticism will make Pisces trust you unconditionally. They feel that everything is not so simple in this world, with their whole skin they still feel some currents of reality hidden from us, they are embarrassed to talk about it and therefore they will gratefully accept you into their lives as a like-minded person. If at the same time you look great and know how to count money, then your union will rush straight into the serious waters of a mutual romance.
As for sex, praise them endlessly. Finds unused words. If you lose your head with them, tell them about it. Then they will want you several times a day for many years in a row. There should be no laughter and humor in bed. Pisces is the most serious sign of the Zodiac in this regard and the most gentle. Sex for them is a continuation or a threshold of love, and the very physiology of sex is seen by them through the haze of your extraordinaryness and chosenness. Pisces are not inherently depraved, although they sometimes pay tribute to sex without a relationship in order to gain experience. Do not try to agree to this - you will only convince them that you do not need them.

Comic horoscopes cheer up, but they also contain some truth. Find out what life principles are characteristic of your Zodiac Sign. Among the funny offers you can find useful information and change for the better.

Horoscopes, no matter how comic they are, are based on the observations of astrologers. It is known that planets and constellations influence the nature and behavior of people, which means that the jokes are not so far from the truth. The site site team has compiled a funny horoscope for you, in which the characteristics of each Zodiac Sign fit into short and capacious expressions. We hope that they will help you not only cheer up, but also get rid of your weaknesses.

Aries

Aries can describe themselves. Capacious phrases fully reflect their contradictory and purposeful nature.

1. It's useless to argue with me. You won't redirect me.
2. I will do it first, and then I will think.
3. I don't slow down where everyone slows down.
4. I'll stay young forever, because it's boring to become an adult.
5. You can do the same as me. You still can't do better.
6. Please speak faster. I don't have the patience to listen to you.
7. My stubbornness is not a vice, it was simply born ahead of me.
8. It is much easier to control any situation than emotions.
9. I won't hit you first, but you'd better not touch me.
10. It's good to be honest - unnecessary people themselves stop communicating with me.

Taurus

If Taurus could characterize themselves in a joking manner, they could use the following phrases.

1. You never feel sorry for money for buying things, but always for entertainment.
2. I don't need someone else's, and don't you dare touch mine.
3. It is better to be bad friends than to quarrel kindly.
4. It is better to stay in the usual comfort of four walls than to admire the colors of nature.
5. Food is a wonderful invention of mankind.
6. It is better to go second to save energy.
7. Tasting delicious food and wine is my passion.
8. Be gentle and then you can achieve more than the rest.
9. No need to pull someone who is well settled.
10. Disposable things were invented for disposable people.

Twins

Ten capacious phrases that reveal their character and demeanor are suitable for restless Gemini.

1. Today I am not the same as I was yesterday.
2. It is useful to own the situation - you get more information.
3. One mind is good, but two is better. Especially if both belong to you.
4. Today I am here, tomorrow I am there.
5. Ideas should not gather dust on the shelves with old books.
6. If you didn't make it, then you're late. Need to speed up.
7. You need to move quickly through life so as not to get bogged down in “textures”.
8. I rarely answer for my words, but with humor.
9. There is not enough time for quality, so I take quantity.
10. There should be more means of communication.

Cancer

Cancers will be able to recognize themselves and their manner of behavior by the following interesting phrases, which in a playful way reflect their style of behavior.

1. Life is hard only where it is impossible to hide in a secluded place.
2. Behind the stone walls of my fortress, I am invulnerable to the cruel world.
3. Stocks need to be replenished so that they never run out.
4. Being a babysitter is great. It doesn't matter how old your ward is.
5. If you know how to wait, happiness will eventually find you on its own.
6. With friends you need to meet at home, and not walk around the cafe.
7. The abundance of food in the refrigerator is a real happiness.
8. Money should only be spent on quality items.
9. My past is always with me. And it doesn't bother me at all.
10. Ten years is not a long time for good clothes.

a lion

Proud Leos do not always agree with the characteristics that people around them give them. However, in every joke there is some truth, which is worth listening to.

1. It is much more pleasant to help people than to be in the role of asking for help.
2. Follow me, I know the right way.
3. Good manners are the key to personal success.
4. The sun shines exclusively for Leo.
5. It's nice to make good money, but it's much nicer to spend it.
6. A dictator sometimes needs to be hidden behind a mask of prudence and benevolence.
7. I don't understand how you can not admire me.
8. I need more gold, more pathos and more admiring glances.
9. Even if the thing is not needed, I must have it. Especially if it is expensive and looks chic.
10. The sign on my office door must be spotless.

Virgo

Virgos sometimes need to look at themselves from the outside in order to change their attitude to life. Ten humorous phrases will help you with this.

1. If you work hard, you will surely come out of it.
2. All things should be in their places.
3. Modesty adorns any Virgo.
4. Logic should be in everything, even in love.
5. Everything must look perfect. No crooked paintings.
6. You need to live not only for yourself, but also in order to help others.
7. Large scales are frightening - it is difficult to put things in order in them.
8. Beauty will save the world, especially if you create it with your own hands
9. Throwing away old things is not necessary. They can come in handy at the most unexpected moment.
10. Less hassle, more routine.

Scales

For Libra, the following statements may be familiar. Perhaps they will help you to doubt less and change your behavior for the better.

1. Any business must be done with the appropriate mood.
2. You can win by agreeing.
3. Making a choice is one of the most difficult and tiring activities.
4. Kindness can move mountains.
5. Beauty should be in everything: in the image, in the house, and in the workplace.
6. Information is needed like air.
7. Laziness is the engine of progress.
8. One of the dumbest things to do is argue. It takes too much energy.
9. Doubt sometimes helps to avoid trouble.
10. Not all i's need to be dotted.

Scorpion

If Scorpios could talk about themselves in capacious short phrases, then the following expressions would suit them.

1. You need a good reason to smile.
2. It is a pity that sometimes there is no one to "sting".
3. This world lacks knights.
4. I'm like a cactus: flowers open only for the elite.
5. Revenge should be served cold, but only to those who really deserve it.
6. Even if there is a hurricane inside you, remain outwardly calm.
7. The world needs stations to fill people with emotions.
8. You need to go to the breach, even through the windbreak.
9. People are like books: you just have to open them.
10. You need to take risks constantly, otherwise there will be nothing to remember in old age.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius could make a presentation of themselves and their character in the following humorous terms.

1. Remorse is experienced by those who have it. Mine doesn't bite.
2. It makes no sense to panic ahead of time, I’ll figure it out when it “presses.
3. The spirit of competition allows you to be better in everything.
4. Do you want to cheer yourself up? Ask me how.
5. I forgive everyone I owe.
6. An argument is another opportunity to show off your intellect.
7. I'm not obligatory, but immensely charming.
8. I hang noodles on my ears for free and professionally.
9. I know how to become a philosopher in five minutes.
10. Commitment saves more than one life.

Capricorn

For Capricorns, which people may not understand, the site's experts have selected the following funny sayings. We hope that they will help to cheer you up and smile more often.

1. Even one in the field can be a warrior.
2. The laws of meanness work for me.
3. I'm like cognac: I only get better with age.
4. It is good to talk about beautiful places and countries while sitting at home.
5. Financial advisor. Long, expensive, with a guarantee.
6. You can afford to spit down from the top if you climb it all your life.
7. Life is a train that stops at its stations exactly according to the schedule.
8. If necessary, I can become the head of the universe
9. There is no place for sprints in my life. I am a true marathon runner.
10. Stubbornness can "gore" anyone.

Aquarius

The ten sentences that characterize Gemini may seem naive, but for many representatives of this Sign they can be useful.

1. There is no greater boredom than being like others.
2. I create my own ideas.
3. Living with prejudices is the lot of fools.
4. Everything will be great in the future.
5. To be an angel? Why not?
6. Sometimes a good intention is enough. It is not necessary to perform it.
7. Family is great, but friends are more important.
8. There are no lonely thoughts in my head. They are friends and create chaos.
9. I can be in several places at the same time, because there should be many good people.
10. There should be stops in life, not safe havens.

Fish

Pisces, with their world of illusions and unwillingness to explain their behavior, can use the following succinct phrases.

1. My profession is professional sympathy.
2. There is no point putting off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
3. I can promise. I love, I know, I practice. But I won't be in a hurry to do it.
4. I understand everyone, but not myself.
5. Don't pressure me or I'll disappear.
6. Yes, I'm busy, only what, few can understand.
7. We need more handkerchiefs and vest people.
8. Food needs to be chewed, work needs to be done.
9. Maintain order in the house - who needs it?
10. The world of illusions and fantasies is beautiful. There is no need to leave him for a long time.

A comic horoscope can reflect your inner state. In any case, even funny statements about your Sign should not be ignored. Be careful in your actions and desires so that there is no place for disappointment in your life. Attract good luck and be happy. We wish you all the best, and don't forget to press the buttons and