The guy went to the bathroom. Bath jokes

A father and his little son are taking a bath.
“Dad,” the son shows with his finger, “does mom have such a thing?”
- No, son, she uses mine.

If a naked man accidentally gets into a women's bath, women squeal and splash boiling water into him. And if a naked girl is dressed as a man's, all men are very happy, friendly and hospitable! This once again proves the kindness of a man's heart!

Two little boys in the bathhouse saw a man with a huge belly. Suitable for him:
- Uncle, what do you have there?
— Bomb!
“Let's blow it up,” one boy says to another.
- Nope. We won’t have time to escape, the wick is too short.

Three men in the bath, two girls came to them:
- Oh, there are three of you, let's call a girlfriend or pay extra?
- Girls, everything is fine, there are two of us, and Lyokha is reconciling with his wife today.

Two men came to the bath. One has shaved in the groin:
- What, the friend says with sympathy, mandavoshki?
— No, blowjob with gum!

- Would you, Vasily Vanych, even start a blog, adits?
- Fleas, Petka, will start themselves if you don’t go to the bathhouse for a long time ...

A Chukchi is walking, leading a cow on a leash and dragging a pipe under his arm. Towards another Chukchi.
- Hello, neighbor!
- Great!
- Where are you going?
- However, here, geologists invited me to the bathhouse.
- Why a cow? - They said, however, to come with their heifer. - What about the pipe? "But we'll be buzzing all night."

Two friends are steaming in the bath:
— Oh, Zin, your legs are crooked!
- And what, they are good to go to work.

- Where are you going?
- Buy eggs. - To the store?
- No, in the bath ...

- Hey, mine is banned ...
- He got a job with you, che, a system administrator?
- I walked around the baths with the girls!

In ancient China, baths were not divided into women's and men's, but when the population exceeded a billion, everyone realized that this was a mistake.

A man caught a goldfish and made a wish to her in order to experience an orgasm with his wife at the same time. A week later he comes to the fish and says:

- Cancel your wish!
- Why?
- Yes, it’s somehow uncomfortable, it turns out: we sit with friends in the bathhouse, drink beer and suddenly I finish!

- The terminator went to the bathhouse, drops the soap, leans over it. Suddenly a system message: - A new device has been detected.

— Kindergarten teachers left two Moldovan children in the sandbox. By evening they had built a dacha, a bathhouse and a swimming pool.

Girls in the bath
— Val, why do you have bruises all over your ass? Are you working as a prostitute?
- Well no. I go to Zaporozhets.

According to statistics, 70% of sauna visitors forget to wash, but 90% of them do not regret it at all.

A man and a woman came to the bathhouse, but the attendant did not give them one number. The man insists:
But this is my wife!
- Oh, what a neat lady she is! Today is the fourth time in the bath goes!

- Three people came to the bathhouse: a hard worker, a director and a deputy. Undress, look - everyone - up to the knee ... - The hard worker has hands, the director has a belly, the deputy has a tongue ...

A man enters the bathhouse, and there the Negroes are washing. All blacks have black members, and one has white. The man asks:
“Why are all of you black and that one white?”
We are not blacks, we are miners. And he got married yesterday.

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One man says to a friend:
- I don't go to the bathroom anymore. They are not allowed into the women's room, but the men's room is not interesting.

Five Georgians come to the bathhouse, take out soap and suddenly it falls on the floor. One of them says:
- Well, damn it, and washed.

Call at 3 am:
- Is this a bath?
- Not?
- Why are you standing in shorts?

- Hello, is this a morgue?
No, it's a bath.
— Damn, I need a morgue.
- Well, you wash yourself first.

In the bath, one Chukchi rubs the back of another:
- Well rub, however, the T-shirt has already appeared!

One blonde to another
- Every year, on December 31, my girlfriends and I go to the bathhouse. What can you do, a thing of bucks is not superfluous ...

In the bath:
- Gogi, pick up the soap.
“You'd better pick up the soap, Givi.
- Okay, let's raise it once, and let's go.

In a rural school, due to the lack of anatomy textbooks... a hole in the wall of the bath was approved by the Ministry of Education!

— Hello, dear, I'm in the sauna ...
— And how is it?
- Everything is as you always say - no women, only men!

The men are sitting in the bath. The mobile is ringing. One picks up the phone:
“Yes, dear, what do you want?” - A fur coat?
- Yes, you certainly may! Do you know where the money is? Good! More boots! Yes please! And buy a bag!
Turns off the mobile and asks:
Guys, whose phone is it?

Hello, is this a brothel?
No, it's a sauna...
— How can I call the brothel?
- Call back in an hour and a half or two.

The guy and the girl decided to go to the bath. They approach, and the guard at the entrance says:
“Sorry, young man, but we can’t bring our own!”

Petka and Vasily Ivanovich are taking a bath, and Petka says:
- Vasily Ivanovich, your heels are dirtier than mine.
So I'm much older than you!

A Georgian walks through the city, sees a beautiful woman and says to her:
- Girl, girl, come with me to the bathhouse.
"Fool, impudent, idiot!"
Well, if you don't want to wash, go dirty!

Olya and Masha always dreamed of visiting the Tretyakov Gallery, but for some reason they were always taken only to the sauna ...

- Estimate, my sister went crazy: she pretended to be a peasant and went to serve in the army.
- But she will have to go to the soldiers' bath! With men! Someone will definitely pass!
— Yes, who will hand over something?!

Vovochka washes with her mother in the bath and notices her curly triangle.
“What is it, Mommy!?”
- This is such a washcloth! Mom answers.
“You know, dad’s is better,” Vovochka remarks in a businesslike way, “he has a pen!”

Female and male: “Aaaaaa!!!”, when an individual of the opposite sex appears in the bath, they sound differently.

Foreman Petrov can't finish building his dacha, because he steals bricks from himself and builds a bathhouse out of it.

Two men enter the sauna and immediately jump out of the steam room, scalded. The temperature is outrageous. They go to complain to the director, they say, it is impossible to endure.
“You will forgive our new attendant. He only masters the temperature regime. All the hand will not fill in any way - a couple of days, as he was transferred from the crematorium.

Fire in the women's bath. Firefighters arrive, a man is standing near the bathhouse:
- Late, brothers, late!
- How late, the bath is on fire?
- The bathhouse is on fire, but the naked women have already fled!

If you dream that you are in a bath, then the dream portends you with profitable deals and success.

If you accidentally entered the bathhouse in a dream, then you will have many difficulties that you do not expect. You will be able to safely cope with all the difficulties and troubles if in a dream you leave the bathhouse "dry".

If the bath is too hot, then expect trouble through your relatives.

A cold bath in a dream is a bad omen.

To be dressed in a bath is a harbinger of worries and disappointments. See interpretation: clothes, wash, soap.

If in a dream you see a bathhouse and watch what happens there, then you will be upset, powerless, hopeless, deceived and disappointed.

To see a woman in a bath is a harbinger of grief and worries; to see a man is a harbinger of imminent financial difficulties.

Undressing in the bath, but not washing is a harbinger that someone will be angry with you for a while.

The blood that you see in the bath is a bad omen and warns you of mortal danger.

To dream of people dancing and having fun in a bath is a harbinger of an imminent and serious illness. The dream warns you that you should take care of your health. See interpretation: water, dance.

Steaming in a bath is a bad society that you will soon get tired of. Sometimes a dream predicts that you will be undeservedly offended.

However, if you felt very comfortable there, then pleasures and good news and profits await you. For a patient, such a dream predicts recovery from the disease.

The dream in which you wash in the bath predicts that you will soon have problems at home or at work, caused by rumors and slander that your enemies spread about you.

The dream portends that shame and disgrace await you if you continue to behave imprudently and tell too much about yourself to everyone you meet. Sometimes such a dream portends you an illness or a stop in business.

Washing with hot water is good for the sick. Healthy, such a dream predicts obstacles in business. See interpretation: bath, swim.

If in a dream you see how others wash in the bath, then soon you will have to find out interesting news about the people you are interested in.

The poor to be in the bathhouse and see how someone helps him is a sign of an imminent and prolonged illness.

Singing songs and having fun in the bath is a dream that portends obstacles, losses, and sometimes imprisonment. See interpretation: music.

Defecate in the bath - to shame and dishonor. In addition, you should beware of the intrigues of envious people and beware of taking part in dark and risky affairs. See interpretation: shit, urine.

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Pinocchio, are you going to the sauna?
Is there a wood stove or an electric stove?

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Kuzmich is walking with a bag from which a broom sticks out, a woman is sitting on a bench.
- Where are you going, Kuzmich?
- Yes, "buy" eggs.
- So you got money?
- No, I'm going to the bath.

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A man came to the bath. The attendant looks at him and marvels: the peasant's underpants are made of lead!
- Hey, man, I'm sorry ... I've seen everything, but this! Why do you need this armor?
- Yes, you understand, radiation, Chernobyl ... hooligans, again ...
Why don't you have toes?
- Yes ... once the rubber band burst ...

Chukchi, why are you in the bath with a vacuum cleaner ?!.
- Washing! However…

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In the bath, two kids saw a naked man with a big belly.
They ask him:
- Uncle, what's in your stomach?
- Bomb.
One speaks quietly to the other.
- Let's blow it up.
- Dangerous. The wick is very short.

A man and his wife came to the bathhouse, and the attendant said:
- I won't let you in one room!
Man:
- How? This is my wife!
Bath attendant:
- But like this! Out of principle. What kind of clean-up was found - for the fourth time today he is going to bathe.

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The new Russian is talking to the designer of his new dacha:
- In short, listen, I want 5 more pools to stand near my bathhouse: the first pool with hot water, the second cold, and the third - so that there is no water at all!
Designer:
- Everything is clear, except for the third pool - why without water ???
New Russian:
- Well, you're an eccentric, what's not clear. What if I have guests who don't know how to swim?

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The husband says to his wife:
- Honey, I want to go fishing with my friends in two days,
and then to Lenka in the bathhouse, we will drink beer, rest,
but don't worry - there will be only men, not a single woman. You do not mind, do you?
His wife replies:
- Of course, dear, go, no one will hold you by the horns.

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A man came to the bath.
He took a steam bath, so happy, joyful, he leaves the steam room for the dressing room ... and suddenly discovers that he forgot the towel at home. He looks around in confusion and then notices an announcement on the wall:
"Citizens, please do not wipe yourself with curtains!"
With a satisfied smile, he exclaims: - Oh, and this is an idea !!!

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One new Russian after a bath asks another:
- Hey, you don't know why we, new Russians, have red faces after a bath???
- These are all damned jackets, they shed!

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A man came to the bathhouse, stands at the cash desk and asks:

M. -Is the bathhouse functioning?
From the checkout. - What-what?
M. - Well, does the bathhouse work?
From the checkout. BUT! Works-works!
M. Does hot water circulate?
From the checkout. - Chevo-chevo?
M. - Well, is there hot water?
From the checkout. - BUT! There is water!
M. - Then give me a ticket for ONE PERSON. From the checkout.
- Look what! Why don't you wash your ass?

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Sauna. A bunch of brothers after drinking lies side by side in different corners.
Cell phone rings. One of the brothers takes the pipe:
- Yes?
- Honey, here is a Mercedes 600, mother-of-pearl, I always wanted one, can I buy it?
- Take...
Some time passes, again the call. The same brother picks up the pipe:
- Well?
- Oh, dear, there is such a necklace with bryuliks, I always dreamed about this, can I buy it?
- Take...
Some time passes, another call. Brother can't stand it.
- Per...! Bros, WHOSE CELL?!

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Call girls on call:
- Good night, tell me, girls can be ordered?
- Oh sure.
- Will you take me to the bathroom?
- Yes, of course, in half an hour will be.
- Tell me, are there any boys?
- Yes, are you interested in active or passive ones?
- Yes, in general, it doesn’t matter, here we are in the bathhouse, take a steam bath, drink beer, p .... msya - it would be necessary for the logical conclusion to be some kind of pi .... to fill your face yourself.

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Woke up by a phone call. After yesterday's corporate bath
it was extremely cruel. The slightly coarsened voice of our Mashenka:
- Hey, I hope I didn't wake you up.
- No, what are you... I usually don't sleep at all - I don't have such a habit.
- Excuse me, listen, but you didn’t tr ... l yesterday?
- No, of course not, why all of a sudden?
“But you don’t know who could have me ... well ...
- No one seemed to be torn ... I don’t know ...
- (disappointed) then, probably, the husband ...

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A father and his little son are taking a bath.
- Dad, - the son shows his finger, - does mom have such a thing?
- No, son, - the father sighs, - my mother does not have such a thing, she uses mine.

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Wife to husband:
- I went to the bathhouse with my friends, do you have any wishes?
- No, of course, you won’t take a video camera with you all the time.

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A man comes to the bathhouse, and women's day is in the bathhouse.
The man says to the watchman:
- Come on, while there is no one, I will quickly wash myself and leave.
The watchman allowed him. The man is happy, lathers, washes, steams.
And, as luck would have it, two women came up to wash.
The man from the sink heard them, stood under the door and listens.
- Man! And I was in America in the bathhouse, there are such statues in the sink, you pull on the penis, and she gives you a broom, you pull again and she gives you a basin.
Well, the man, without thinking twice, grabs a broom, a basin and stands in the corner like a statue.
- Man look and we have the same set!
Then the woman came up, pulled once - the man gave her a broom, the second time she pulled - the man gave her a bowl. And the second one came up, pulled, pulled, and said:
- Lyubka! Look! She also gives shampoo!

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Sweaty and happy:
- Korean after dinner.
- French after sex.
- Russian after the bath.

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Snow White went to the bathhouse, and seven dwarfs decided to peep... Well, they come to the bathhouse, and there is a window at the very top. We decided this: we stand on each other's shoulders, and the top one will tell everything. Made...
top says:
- Came in.
(From top to bottom): entered ... entered ... entered ...
- Sela. Village ... village ... village .. (7 times)
- Undressing. undressing..(7 times)
- I got up And I have ... and I have ... and I have ... and I have ... and I have

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The bath is divided into two parts: Finnish sauna and Russian porn.

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Putin and Clinton argued over who has a better bath. Clinton says: "I have" - ​​and invites Putin to wash. Putin comes to the bathhouse and presses the red button. It is washed, steamed and dressed. Then Putin invites Clinton to his bathhouse. Clinton presses the red button, but nothing works. He washed, went out and said offendedly:
- Something your red button does not work.
- How does it not work? Yes, you were shown on TV for an hour.

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The hedgehog asks the hare:
- Here my left hand itches, what is this for?
- To the money.
- What if it's right?
- To the guests.
- And if the right leg?
- You will walk a lot.
- And if the left leg?
- Hedgehog you b, washed or something!

Morse was very fond of going to the bathhouse with the peasants. He used to sit and watch people wash. He created his alphabet like this:
- One long, two short, three short, one long...

Vasily Ivanovich, Anka is a provocateur!
- It can't be, Petka, where did you get it?
- I'm walking past the bathhouse, and from there Anka leans out and waves her arms. I fly naked into the bathhouse, and they have a party meeting there ...

The husband follows his wife into the women's bath. The attendant stops him and turns to the lady:
Your husband is not allowed here!
- Why?
- Because he is a man.
- He's not a man. He is impotent.

The New Russian went into depression. The brothers don't know what to do
- Do you want something? There is enough money. We organize everything.
New Russian:
- I do not want anything. The money got me already. Maybe, if only - in nature. Relax.
Bratva:
- Canaries? Maldives? Malta?
New Russian:
- Well no. To a forest village. To the bath. To the lake.
Brothers straight in the suburbs. We found a lake in the forest. The village was built. Bath bought, brought. An area for a beach in the forest was cut down on the south side of the lake. They were covered with sand. Electric heaters were put into the lake (to maintain the water temperature). Trout were released into the lake. Fighters hired - to disperse the clouds. The New Russian has arrived. Fished. Steamed in the bath. Bathed. Sunbathing lies, and thinks:
- Yes. Nature! No amount of money can buy.

Putin and Trump argued over who has the best bath. Trump says:
- I have - and invites Putin to wash.
Putin comes to the bathhouse and presses the red button. It is washed, steamed and dressed. Putin then invites Trump to his bathhouse. Trump pushes the red button, but nothing works. He washed, went out and said offendedly:
- Something your red button does not work.
- How does it not work? Yes, you were shown on TV for an hour.

A man enters the bathhouse and there all the blacks wash themselves. All blacks have black members, and one has white. A man asks one:
- Why do you blacks all have black members, and that one is white?
- We are not blacks, we are miners. And that miner got married yesterday.

One man says to a friend:
- I don't go to the bathroom anymore. They are not allowed into the women's room, but it's not interesting in the men's room.

Five Georgians come to the bathhouse, take out soap and suddenly it falls on the floor. One of them says:
- Well, damn it, and washed.

A man relaxes in a bath with girls. Suddenly the wife calls.
- Honey, it's ten o'clock already. Where are you disappearing?
- Yes, I'm standing in a traffic jam, be it wrong!
- Yes? .. Come on, beep.

A Chukchi marries a Russian. After the wedding, the wife sniffed the air and asked:
- Have you ever taken a bath?
- Yes! But the first time I went - the war began. The second time I went - Stalin died. The third time I went - I lost my jersey.
- Until you wash yourself, you will not lie down in bed with me.
The swirling poor fellow with soap and a washcloth left for the bath. Comes back clean and happy. The wife asks:
- Well, did you like it?
- Not in this case! Found a sweatshirt. She was under the shirt!