Preface
There is no need to explain what history as such is, since everyone should know this with their mother’s milk. But what is ancient history? A few words need to be said about this.
It is difficult to find a person in the world who, at least once in his life, to put it scientifically, would not get into some kind of story. But no matter how long ago this happened to him, we still have no right to call the incident ancient history. For in the face of science, everything has its own strict division and classification.
Let's say in short:
a) ancient history is a history that happened extremely long ago;
b) ancient history is the history that happened with the Romans, Greeks, Assyrians, Phoenicians and other peoples who spoke stillborn languages.
Everything that concerns ancient times and about which we know absolutely nothing is called the prehistoric period.
Although scientists know absolutely nothing about this period (because if they knew, they would have to call it historical), nevertheless they divide it into three centuries:
1) stone, when people used bronze to make stone tools for themselves;
2) bronze, when bronze tools were made using stone;
3) iron, when iron tools were made using bronze and stone.
In general, inventions were rare then and people were slow to come up with inventions; therefore, as soon as they invent something, they now call their century by the name of the invention.
In our time, this is no longer conceivable, because every day the name of the century would have to be changed: Pillian Age, Flat Tire Age, Syndeticon Age, etc., etc., which would immediately cause strife and international wars.
In those times, about which absolutely nothing is known, people lived in huts and ate each other; then, having grown stronger and developed a brain, they began to eat the surrounding nature: animals, birds, fish and plants. Then, dividing into families, they began to fence themselves off with palisades, through which at first they quarreled for many centuries; then they began to fight, started a war, and thus a state, a state, a state of life arose, on which the further development of citizenship and culture is based.
Ancient peoples were divided by skin color into black, white and yellow.
Whites, in turn, are divided into:
1) Aryans, descended from Noah’s son Japheth and named so that it was not immediately possible to guess from whom they descended;
2) Semites - or those without the right of residence - and
3) rude people, people not accepted in a decent society.
Usually, history is always divided chronologically from such and such a period to such and such a period. You can’t do this with ancient history, because, firstly, no one knows anything about it, and secondly, the ancient peoples lived stupidly, wandered from one place to another, from one era to another, and all this without railways , without order, reason or purpose. Therefore, scientists came up with the idea to consider the history of each nation separately. Otherwise you will get so confused that you won’t be able to get out.
East
Egypt
Egypt is located in Africa and has long been famous for its pyramids, sphinxes, the flooding of the Nile and Queen Cleopatra.
Pyramids are pyramid-shaped buildings that were erected by the pharaohs for their glorification. The pharaohs were caring people and did not trust even the closest people to dispose of their corpse at their discretion. And, barely out of infancy, the pharaoh was already looking for a secluded place and began to build a pyramid for his future ashes.
After death, the body of the pharaoh was gutted from the inside with great ceremonies and stuffed with aromas. From the outside they enclosed it in a painted case, put it all together in a sarcophagus and placed it inside the pyramid. Over time, the small amount of pharaoh that was contained between the aromas and the case dried out and turned into a hard membrane. This is how the ancient monarchs spent the people's money unproductively!
But fate is fair. Less than tens of thousands of years had passed before the Egyptian population regained its prosperity by trading wholesale and retail the mortal corpses of their overlords, and in many European museums one can see examples of these dried pharaohs, nicknamed mummies for their immobility. For a special fee, museum guards allow visitors to click the mummy with their finger.
Further, the ruins of temples serve as monuments of Egypt. Most of them have been preserved on the site of ancient Thebes, nicknamed “hundred-gate” by the number of its twelve gates. Now, according to archaeologists, these gates have been converted into Arab villages. This is how sometimes great things turn into useful things!
Egyptian monuments are often covered in writing that is extremely difficult to decipher. Scientists therefore called them hieroglyphs.
The inhabitants of Egypt were divided into different castes. The most important caste belonged to the priests. It was very difficult to become a priest. To do this, it was necessary to study geometry up to the equality of triangles, including geography, which at that time embraced the space of the globe at least six hundred square miles.
The priests had their hands full, because, in addition to geography, they also had to deal with divine services, and since the Egyptians had an extremely large number of gods, it was sometimes difficult for any priest to snatch even an hour for geography during the whole day.
The Egyptians were not particularly picky when it came to paying divine honors. They deified the sun, cow, Nile, bird, dog, moon, cat, wind, hippopotamus, earth, mouse, crocodile, snake and many other domestic and wild animals.
Ancient history (Nadezhda Teffi)
Preface
There is no need to explain what history as such is, since everyone should know this with their mother’s milk. But what is ancient history? A few words need to be said about this.
It is difficult to find a person in the world who, at least once in his life, to put it scientifically, would not get into some kind of story. But no matter how long ago this happened to him, we still have no right to call the incident ancient history. For in the face of science, everything has its own strict division and classification.
Let's say in short:
A) ancient history is a history that happened extremely long ago;
B) ancient history is the history that happened with the Romans, Greeks, Assyrians, Phoenicians and other peoples who spoke stillborn languages.
Everything that concerns ancient times and about which we know absolutely nothing is called the prehistoric period.
Although scientists know absolutely nothing about this period (because if they knew, they would have to call it historical), nevertheless they divide it into three centuries:
1) stone, when people used bronze to make stone tools for themselves;
2) bronze, when bronze tools were made using stone;
3) iron, when iron tools were made using bronze and stone.
In general, inventions were rare then and people were slow to come up with inventions; therefore, as soon as they invent something, they now call their century by the name of the invention.
In our time, this is no longer conceivable, because every day the name of the century would have to be changed: Pillian Age, Flat Tire Age, Syndeticon Age, etc., etc., which would immediately cause strife and international wars.
In those times, about which absolutely nothing is known, people lived in huts and ate each other; then, having grown stronger and developed a brain, they began to eat the surrounding nature: animals, birds, fish and plants. Then, dividing into families, they began to fence themselves off with palisades, through which at first they quarreled for many centuries; then they began to fight, started a war, and thus a state, a state, a state of life arose, on which the further development of citizenship and culture is based.
Ancient peoples were divided by skin color into black, white and yellow.
Whites, in turn, are divided into:
1) Aryans, descended from Noah’s son Japheth and named so that it was not immediately possible to guess from whom they descended;
2) Semites - or those without the right of residence - and
3) rude people, people not accepted in decent society
Usually, history is always divided chronologically from such and such a period to such and such a period. You can’t do this with ancient history, because, firstly, no one knows anything about it, and secondly, the ancient peoples lived stupidly, wandered from one place to another, from one era to another, and all this without railways , without order, reason or purpose. Therefore, scientists came up with the idea to consider the history of each nation separately. Otherwise you will get so confused that you won’t be able to get out.
East
Egypt
Egypt is located in Africa and has long been famous for its pyramids, sphinxes, the flooding of the Nile and Queen Cleopatra.
Pyramids are pyramid-shaped buildings that were erected by the pharaohs for their glorification. The pharaohs were caring people and did not trust even the closest people to dispose of their corpse at their discretion. And, barely out of infancy, the pharaoh was already looking for a secluded place and began to build a pyramid for his future ashes.
After death, the body of the pharaoh was gutted from the inside with great ceremonies and stuffed with aromas. From the outside they enclosed it in a painted case, put it all together in a sarcophagus and placed it inside the pyramid. Over time, the small amount of pharaoh that was contained between the aromas and the case dried out and turned into a hard membrane. This is how the ancient monarchs spent the people's money unproductively!
But fate is fair. Less than tens of thousands of years had passed before the Egyptian population regained its prosperity by trading wholesale and retail the mortal corpses of their overlords, and in many European museums one can see examples of these dried pharaohs, nicknamed mummies for their immobility. For a special fee, museum guards allow visitors to click the mummy with their finger.
Further, the ruins of temples serve as monuments of Egypt. Most of them have been preserved on the site of ancient Thebes, nicknamed “hundred-gate” by the number of its twelve gates. Now, according to archaeologists, these gates have been converted into Arab villages. This is how sometimes great things turn into useful things!
Egyptian monuments are often covered in writing that is extremely difficult to decipher. Scientists therefore called them hieroglyphs.
The inhabitants of Egypt were divided into different castes. The most important caste belonged to the priests. It was very difficult to become a priest. To do this, it was necessary to study geometry up to the equality of triangles, including geography, which at that time embraced the space of the globe at least six hundred square miles.
The priests had their hands full, because, in addition to geography, they also had to deal with divine services, and since the Egyptians had an extremely large number of gods, it was sometimes difficult for any priest to snatch even an hour for geography during the whole day.
The Egyptians were not particularly picky when it came to paying divine honors. They deified the sun, cow, Nile, bird, dog, moon, cat, wind, hippopotamus, earth, mouse, crocodile, snake and many other domestic and wild animals.
In view of this abundance of God, the most cautious and pious Egyptian had to commit various sacrileges every minute. Either he will step on the cat’s tail, or he will point at the sacred dog, or he will eat a holy fly in the borscht. The people were nervous, dying out and degenerating.
Among the pharaohs there were many remarkable ones who glorified themselves with their monuments and autobiographies, without expecting this courtesy from their descendants.
Babylon
Babylon, known for its pandemonium, was nearby.
Assyria
The main city of Assyria was Assur, named after the god Assur, who in turn received this name from the main city of Assu. Where is the end, where is the beginning - the ancient peoples, due to illiteracy, could not figure out and did not leave any monuments that could help us in this bewilderment.
The Assyrian kings were very warlike and cruel. They amazed their enemies most of all with their names, of which Assur-Tiglaf-Abu-Kherib-Nazir-Nipal was the shortest and simplest. As a matter of fact, it was not even a name, but a shortened affectionate nickname, which his mother gave the young king for his small stature.
The custom of Assyrian christenings was this: as soon as a baby was born to the king, male, female, or another sex, a specially trained scribe immediately sat down and, taking wedges in his hands, began to write the name of the newborn on clay slabs. When, exhausted by work, the clerk fell dead, he was replaced by another, and so on until the baby reached adulthood. By this time, his entire name was considered to be completely and correctly written to the end.
These kings were very cruel. Loudly calling out their name, before they conquered the country, they had already impaled its inhabitants.
From the surviving images, modern scientists see that the Assyrians held the art of hairdressing very highly, since all the kings had beards curled in smooth, neat curls.
If we take this issue even more seriously, we may be even more surprised, since it is clear that in Assyrian times not only people, but also lions did not neglect hairdressing tongs. For the Assyrians always depict animals with the same curled manes and tails as the beards of their kings.
Truly, studying samples of ancient culture can bring significant benefits not only to people, but also to animals.
The last Assyrian king is considered, in short, Ashur-Adonai-Aban-Nipal. When his capital was besieged by the Medes, the cunning Ashur ordered a fire to be lit in the square of his palace; then, having piled all his property on it, he climbed up with all his wives and, having secured himself, burned to the ground.
The annoyed enemies hastened to surrender.
Persians
There were peoples living in Iran whose names ended in “Yan”: the Bactrians and Medes, except for the Persians, who ended in “Sy”.
The Bactrians and Medes quickly lost their courage and indulged in effeminacy, and the Persian king Astyages gave birth to a grandson, Cyrus, who founded the Persian monarchy.
Herodotus tells a touching legend about the youth of Cyrus.
One day Astyages dreamed that a tree grew out of his daughter. Struck by the indecency of this dream, Astyages ordered the magicians to unravel it. The magicians said that the son of Astyages' daughter would reign over all of Asia. Astyages was very upset, as he wanted a more modest fate for his grandson.
And tears flow through gold! - he said and instructed his courtier to strangle the baby.
The courtier, who was fed up with his own business, entrusted this business to a shepherd he knew. The shepherd, due to lack of education and negligence, mixed everything up and, instead of strangling him, began to raise the child.
When the child grew up and began to play with his peers, he once ordered the son of a nobleman to be flogged. The nobleman complained to Astyages. Astyages became interested in the child's broad nature. After talking with him and examining the victim, he exclaimed:
This is Kir! Only our family knows how to flog like that.
And Cyrus fell into his grandfather’s arms.
Having reached his age, Cyrus defeated the Lydian king Croesus and began to roast him at the stake. But during this procedure Croesus suddenly exclaimed:
Oh, Solon, Solon, Solon!
This greatly surprised the wise Cyrus.
“I have never heard such words from those who were roasting,” he admitted to his friends.
He beckoned Croesus to him and began to ask what this meant.
Then Croesus spoke. that he was visited by the Greek sage Solon. Wanting to throw dust in the sage's eyes, Croesus showed him his treasures and, to tease him, asked Solon who he considered the happiest man in the world.
If Solon had been a gentleman, he would, of course, have said “you, your Majesty.” But the sage was a simple-minded man, one of the narrow-minded, and blurted out that “before death, no one can say to himself that he is happy.”
Since Croesus was a king precocious for his years, he immediately realized that after death people rarely talk in general, so even then there would be no need to boast about their happiness, and he was very offended by Solon.
This story greatly shocked the faint-hearted Cyrus. He apologized to Croesus and did not finish cooking him.
After Cyrus, his son Cambyses reigned. Cambyses went to fight with the Ethiopians, entered the desert and there, suffering greatly from hunger, little by little he ate his entire army. Realizing the difficulty of such a system, he hastened to return to Memphis. There at that time the opening of the new Apis was celebrated.
At the sight of this healthy, well-fed bull, the king, emaciated on human flesh, rushed at him and pinned him with his own hands, and at the same time his brother Smerdiz, who was spinning under his feet.
One clever magician took advantage of this and, declaring himself False Smerdiz, immediately began to reign. The Persians rejoiced:
Long live our king False Smerdiz! - they shouted.
At this time, King Cambyses, completely obsessed with beef, died from a wound that he inflicted on himself, wanting to taste his own meat.
Thus died this wisest of the eastern despots.
After Cambyses, Darius Hystaspes reigned, who became famous for his campaign against the Scythians.
The Scythians were very brave and cruel. After the battle, feasts were held, during which they drank and ate from the skulls of freshly killed enemies.
Those warriors who did not kill a single enemy could not take part in the feast for lack of their own dishes and watched the celebration from afar, tormented by hunger and remorse.
Having learned about the approach of Darius Hystaspes, the Scythians sent him a frog, a bird, a mouse and an arrow.
With these simple gifts they thought to soften the heart of their formidable enemy.
But things took a completely different turn.
One of Darius' warriors, Hystaspes, who was very tired of hanging around behind his master in foreign lands, undertook to interpret the true meaning of the Scythian message.
This means that if you Persians do not fly like birds, chew like a mouse, and jump like a frog, you will not return to your home forever.
Darius could neither fly nor jump. He was scared to death and ordered the shafts to be turned.
Darius Hystaspes became famous not only for this campaign, but also for his equally wise rule, which he led with the same success as his military enterprises.
The ancient Persians were initially distinguished by their courage and simplicity of morals. They taught their sons three subjects:
1) ride a horse;
2) shoot with a bow and
3) tell the truth.
A young man who did not pass the exam in all three of these subjects was considered ignorant and was not accepted into the civil service.
But little by little the Persians began to indulge in a pampered lifestyle. They stopped riding horses, forgot how to shoot a bow, and, while spending their time idly, cut the truth. As a result, the huge Persian state began to quickly decline.
Previously, Persian youths ate only bread and vegetables. Having become depraved, they demanded soup (330 BC). Alexander the Great took advantage of this and conquered Persia.
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“General History, processed by the Satyricon” still occupies a unique and undisputed place: before us is almost the only example of black humor we have - especially black, if we remember what kind of continuation this “History” had in the 20th century.
A book created by the great satirists of his time - Teffi, Averchenko, Dymov and O. L. d'Or.
What was fun at the beginning of the 20th century remained just as funny (and educational) at the beginning of the 21st century.
..........................................................................
Copyright: General History: Satyricon
Rus'-Empire
Peter the Great
Peter the Great was a giant on a bronze horse. Before Peter, Rus' was an impassable, bearded country. Everyone - from the first boyar to the last groom - had long hair.
One of the noble foreigners, sent to Russia as a skilled carpenter, but who later became a historian, describes the Rus' of that time as follows:
“... This large country,” writes a foreign carpenter, “is all thickly overgrown with beards. Because of the beards, heads are not visible. The Russian thinks with his beard, drinks tea with his beard, eats cranberries with his beard and hugs and kisses his wife with it. Italian writer, living in Capri, he claims that Russia is a provincial state. What a deep mistake... Russia is simply a bearded state.”
Peter the Great decided to weed the country and ordered the Germans to invent an appropriate machine for this purpose. The Germans, without thinking twice, invented scissors and a razor, which made a strong revolution in the laws of physics and chemistry. For the first time, the famous four-part formula was later heard on the streets of Moscow: “They cut their hair, they shave, they draw blood.”
Those who did not want to get their hair cut and shave were “bleeded.”
Horror gripped the boyars, who were accustomed from an early age to wearing a long gray beard. Some of them fled, saving their beards, to their distant estates. Others resorted to various tricks: they went to the king with a report shaved. Having arrived home, they grew long beards and trimmed them complacently, rejoicing that they had outdone young Peter. They did this every day.
However, it was not easy to deceive the sharp-sighted Peter. The cunning people were caught and punished...
When all the beards were cut off, it was discovered that under the beards the highest dignitaries wore wide, long-skirted caftans. The “sexual problems” of boyar caftans were also solved with the help of scissors.
When everyone became beardless and sexless, Peter said:
Now let's get to work! It’s enough to kick ass and make your neighbors laugh. Let's start beating our neighbors and making them cry.
The boyars sighed, but there was nothing to do. They began to learn to beat their neighbors to please Peter.
Raising Peter
Peter was raised at home.
He was first taught by clerk Zotov. But it soon turned out that clerk Zotov was illiterate and not only could not write, but also could not read in Russian.
They began to look for other teachers, but could not find a competent one.
There are many teachers, but few literate ones! - the boyars complained.
But Peter, from his infancy, showed tremendous persistence and willpower. The head of a literate man was valued at ten thousand. Messengers traveled around the country, gathered gatherings and asked:
Whoever is literate, raise your hand! But illiterate Rus' stood with arms down before the young king, thirsting for knowledge.
Who is literate? - was heard painfully in Rus'.
And one fine day I heard:
Those around him were generally unhappy that Peter decided to learn to read and write.
It’s not acting according to custom! - the boyars and people grumbled into their beards. - It departs from the precepts of antiquity.
Sagittarius and funny
When Peter grew up and became a young man, he began to become interested in government affairs. The first thing he paid attention to was the archers. These were people hung with reeds, self-propelled guns, knives, curved and straight sabers, clubs, Tsar Bells and Tsar Cannons.
Are you warriors? - Peter asked them.
Warriors! - answered the archers.
Who did you fight with? The Sagittarius proudly answered:
Go, Tsar, to Zamoskvorechye, look at the merchants, clerks, service and non-service people, and you will see for yourself with whom you fought. Tea, you won’t find a single whole nose there. Our courage is written on the face of every Moscow resident. Young Peter looked mockingly at the archers.
Do you know how to fight alien enemies just as bravely? The Sagittarius were offended.
“What did you want to say, sir,” they said bitterly. - So that we show our national face to the filthy infidels! Much honor! We show them our national back most of all in battles... And they added, after thinking:
And how can you fight with him, the infidel, when he has weapons? It's not like your brother is a clerk.
After this conversation, Peter called the chiefs of the Streltsy and asked them:
Are there many vegetable gardens near Moscow?
A lot of! - answered the Streltsy chiefs.
Is there enough Sagittarius for every garden?
In this case, I order you: place archers in the gardens as scarecrows.
The Sagittarians were finally in their places, but at least for the first time. Then the birds stopped being afraid of them. And Peter began to create a new army from “amusing” companies.
Since the “amusing” ones were not managed by inspectors of public schools or heads of assay tents, things quickly went smoothly. The “amusing” ones did their best to grow up faster, and in exemplary battles they beat the archers hard.
Peter rejoiced, looking at them, and thought:
We'll show ourselves soon! And it really shows.
Peter's first victory
Peter won his first victory over the Turks. This amazed both the victors and the vanquished alike.
Are we really beaten?! - the Turks were surprised. - Can't be! This is a miscarriage of justice!
Beaten, beaten! - showed all the peoples of Europe and Asia. - We saw you running. The Turks continued to interrogate witnesses:
Maybe we were running behind, and the Russians were ahead? But the peoples stood firm on their ground and showed:
No, you ran in front, and the Russians ran behind and hit you in the back. Look, there are probably still bruises there.
The Turks looked at each other’s backs and were forced to admit:
Actually bruises...
They sadly lowered their Turkish noses onto Turkish sabers, then they themselves sat down on Turkish carpets and, out of grief, began to drink Turkish coffee.
The Russians also did not believe that they had won, and carefully questioned the eyewitnesses:
Were we running ahead of the Turks or behind? Eyewitnesses reassured them:
Do not doubt! You drove the Turks and deftly beat them.
The soldiers cheered up.
It turns out that winning is easy! - they said to each other.
Much easier than being defeated.
Much more capable. Here you hit, and they praise you. And there they beat you and scold you.
After the first victory came the second, then the third, fourth and all the other victories. The war ended with the taking of Azov from the Turks. The latter soon learned to speak and write Russian. Subsequently, he completely lost his temper and began writing feuilletons in Russian newspapers, signing his full name: “Vl. Azov.”
Peter was very proud of the victory over the Turks and the taking of Azov from them.
The clergy began to grumble.
Peter the Navigator
Before Peter, the Russian people were a people of river navigation. The Russians swam very bravely, bathing in the river in the summer. They swam quite well both on their back and on their stomach. But they had a very weak concept of courts. One day, Peter, examining the barns of Nikita Ivanovich Romanov, saw there the “grandfather of the Russian fleet.”
“Grandfather” was completely eaten away by worms, and rot fell out of him as if from a member of the State Council.
What it is? - asked Peter. Peter's entourage could not give the correct answer.
This is a trough! - said one close person.
Trough? For what?
Our foremothers bathed their newborn children in such troughs. The people in those days were tall. Each newborn was five fathoms tall.
Peter shook his head in disbelief. Another confidant, wanting to drown the first confidant, folded his lips into a malicious smile and said hotly:
Don't believe this flatterer, sir! He wants to curry favor, and therefore says that this unfamiliar object is a trough. This is not a trough, but an old gun.
“He’s lying,” the first close one shouted. - This is not a gun, but a trough!
The Russian people would have argued for a long time, but at that moment the German Timmerman appeared and explained that the object found was an English bot. Peter immediately accepted the Englishman into Russian service and ordered him to be repaired with an axe, saw and plane. The “Grandfather of the Russian Fleet” soon sailed across Lake Pereyaslavl, guided by the mighty hand of Peter.
In a short time, the “grandfather” had comrades who rushed merrily along the waves. Those close to the young king looked reproachfully at young Peter’s new idea and, shaking their beards, sighed:
Is it okay for a Russian person to sail on a ship? We don't have enough land, or what? Why else do we need water?
Peter first tried to object:
But the British swim... But they answered him:
That's how the British are. They have two arshins of land. They needed the sea. What do we need? The people also grumbled:
Water is given to us for drinking and bathing. It would be a sin to sail on it in some kind of ark.
Peter continued to build ships. Sails began to flicker more and more often on the Yauza and Lake Pereyaslavl.
Rumors began to spread among the people that Peter was the Antichrist. Sailing was already too disgusting for religious souls...
War with the Swedes
Why the war with the Swedes broke out is unknown. In such cases, historians constantly hide the true reason.
But the warrior was kindled. Charles XII reigned in Sweden at that time.
Even though you are twelfth, I will beat you! - said Peter.
Karl belonged to the sect of "runners". All his life he had been running to someone or from someone.
He fled to Mazepa in Poltava, but Vorskla and the Russian soldiers made a depressing impression on him, and he fled from Poltava to the Tatars. Among the Tatars, he was dissatisfied with kumis and fled to the Sultan. Having learned that the Sultan has many wives. Charles XII hastened to flee from temptation to his homeland, where he did not have a single wife. From Sweden he fled to the Poles. He ran away from the Poles somewhere again. Death, pursuing Charles on his heels, barely managed to overtake him in some battle, and she hastened to take advantage of this opportunity.
Peter stood in one place all the time and went about his business - building, planing, sawing, hewing. As a result, Peter remained the winner.
Battle of Poltava
The east was burning with a new dawn. Already on the plain, guns were thundering across the hills. Purple clouds of smoke rose to the heavens to meet the morning rays.
The guns did not thunder out of their own free will. Each time they were loaded from the breech and forced to fire at the Swedes. The Swedes also fired, but poorly. Charles XII, after another flight, injured his leg and could not walk.
At the very beginning of the battle, Peter ordered his troops to win, and the troops did not dare to disobey. Charles XII did not think of doing this, and his troops did not know how to behave: win or suffer defeat.
After a little hesitation, the Swedes chose the lesser of two evils - defeat...
The presence of the Little Russian Hetman Mazepa in their troops greatly contributed to the defeat of the Swedes. The hetman was a very educated man and until the end of his days he retained a strong love for marriage. In the art of marriage, Mazepa knew no rivals, but he was a bad governor. He infected the entire Swedish army with his inability to fight, and it could not withstand the onslaught of Peter's troops.
The Swedes fled. Those who were too lazy to run surrendered to Peter. Karl and Mazepa were not lazy and ran. After the Battle of Poltava, the Swedes hung their noses at the fifth. That's how they still hang. The Russians, led by Peter, raised their heads high. The troops returned proudly to St. Petersburg to the sound of music.
The people outwardly rejoiced and shouted “hurray,” but inwardly they grumbled at Peter.
Window to Europe
Having defeated whoever he should, Peter decided to open a window to Europe.
It’s time,” he said, “to look at people and show yourself!
Secular and spiritual dignitaries began to admonish the king.
You have not started a godly business! - said the dignitaries. - The window is a sinful thing. You are not acting according to the holy old times, Tsar. Secular dignitaries approached from the diplomatic side and said:
The window, sir, is a dangerous thing. You cut a window, and the Swede will fit through it.
And we'll put it in his neck! - Peter laughed. - He will leave.
A Swede will leave, a German will climb through the window.
Why does a German need to look out the window? We let him in the door too.
Then the German will climb out of the window.
Why does he need to get out?
And this is a German habit. If you don't let him in the door, he'll climb in the window. If you let him in the door, he will climb out the window. This is the character.
Peter laughed and continued to cut through the window. Peter cut the hole, and secular and spiritual dignitaries came at night and boarded up the window. Peter did not lose heart and persistently continued his work. When the work was completed and new light poured through the cut window, the dignitaries became drunk with horror and screamed:
Woe to us! Woe to us!
And a secret struggle began between them and Peter. Every night the dignitaries stubbornly covered the cut window to Europe with pillows. In the mornings, Peter took out the pillows, and exiled and even executed those found guilty. But at night new dignitaries came and brought new pillows. And until Peter’s death this secret struggle continued.
The Russian people never managed to see Europe properly during Peter’s lifetime.
Peter the editor
A. S. Suvorin was only ten years old at that time, and “New Time” did not yet exist. And the newspaper was necessary.
From time immemorial, the Russian people were famous for the fact that they could not live without a newspaper. The hoteliers were incredibly bored, deprived of the pleasure of giving bribes to tabloid reporters. The ministers mourned:
There is no one to praise our actions. Half a kingdom for a horse... to blame, for the writer! Great people cried:
When we die, who will write our obituaries? We’ll die, as the crests say, “and we won’t give away an obituary.”
Then Peter himself decided to publish a newspaper. Without thinking twice, he applied for permission to publish a newspaper called “Chimes about all sorts of affairs of the Moscow State and surrounding states.”
The newspaper was run quite boldly. It affected not only the police, Germany and the clergy, but also the highest dignitaries. However, the newspaper was never confiscated and the editor was never fined or even sent to Kresty.
We can safely say that during the Chimes, newspaper workers enjoyed complete freedom of speech.
This was the best period in the Russian periodical press.
The people grumbled.
Sciences and Arts
The Merciful God saved pre-Petrine pious Rus' from the sciences and arts. Only cab drivers were interested in geography. Cabbies are also history. People of the upper classes considered it beneath their dignity to engage in science.
Street boys were in charge of art - they sculpted very intricate figures from snow and drew on fences with charcoal no worse than others. From time immemorial, the Russian people felt a calling to literature, and under Peter, literature, although oral, flourished greatly.
The creative people poured out their souls in lyrical works that grabbed the soul of both Russians and foreigners. Some of these elegies have reached us. One of them began like this:
Don't pull my leg, Ay, Did! Oh, Lado! From under the warm feather bed, Ay, Did! Oh, Lado!
From prose works we have received excellent fairy tales that talk about the first Russian aviator, Baba Yaga, who flew on a device that was heavier than air - in a mortar. All this seemed not enough to Peter. “There are a lot of people,” he said, “but not enough science!” You could learn a little.
He started with the ministers, sitting them down to learn the ABC's. The ministers cried and did not want to study. Peter beat them with a club and in a short time achieved unheard of results - almost all the ministers learned to read and write in just two or three years. Peter awarded them ranks and titles for this, and only then did they understand that the root of the teaching is bitter, but its fruits are sweet.
By the end of Peter's reign, there was almost not a single court general who would sign with a cross. During his reign, the first stone of Russian written literature was laid - by order of Peter, Vyacheslav Ivanov was born, who became famous at that time under the name Trediakovsky.
Peter also cared a lot about art. The people, seeing this, quietly cried with grief and fervently prayed for deliverance from the science, art and literature of Holy Rus'.
At that time, the Russian people were still in true piety.
Peter's staff
Peter took a long time to choose his employees, but having chosen, he did not hang them up in vain, but forced them to do their job. In the first years of his reign, he surrounded himself with collaborators from the boyars.
But when the last ones had their beards shaved, Peter saw that they were not suitable for serving Russia, and began to choose employees from ordinary people. The boyars were also not happy with the king. In particular, they did not like the fact that the young king beat them with a club.
How much is Rus' worth in the world, - the boyars grumbled, - they beat us with batogs, and Peter brought a club. It's a shame.
And the patriotic heart of the boyars suffered so much that even the scaffold did not console them.
You should flog first, they said, and then execute. Otherwise, with a baton... Should we, the British or the French, be beaten with a baton? Give us batogs...
Among the dignitaries chosen from the common people, Menshikov stood out. Peter took him for selling pies.
At least he knows how to sell pies! - said Peter. - And the boyars don’t even know how to do this.
To Menshikov, the dignitary's craft seemed much more profitable than the pie-maker's craft, and he zealously set about the new business. Seeing that the experiment with Menshikov was a success, Peter put even more pressure on the common people. Peter asked each new candidate for dignitary:
From the boyars?
And if the person asked answered in the affirmative, Peter said to him:
Go back, brother, where you came from! I don't need white hands.
When the candidate answered negatively, Peter brought him closer to him and gave him a job.
Subsequently, many counts and princes disguised themselves as commoners and entered the service of Peter. When the deception was discovered, Peter was not angry. Thus, under the guise of workers, the princes Dolgoruky, Sheremetev, Tolstoy, Bruce and others entered the dignitaries of Peter.
Menshikov, in his declining years, became bored with the craft of a pie maker, and one day a thought flashed through his mind:
Why is Russia not a pie?
And he slowly began to sell this sweet pie... And among the rest of the employees there were imitators of Menshikov. Peter hanged little by little "pie-makers", but even this extreme measure rarely corrected them.
Tsar Carpenter
Peter the Great often traveled abroad.
Always preoccupied with state affairs, he once slapped an honest Dutchman in the face in Saardam. The residents of Saardam are still proud of this historical slap in the face and turn up their noses at the residents of other Dutch cities.
We are not just anyone! - the people of Saardam say with pride. - Peter the Great himself chose the face of one of our citizens for a slap.
Having made the people of Saardam happy, Peter left for Amsterdam, where he began to study carpentry. Tesha logs, he repeatedly thought:
This is how I will trim the boyars.
Subsequently, Peter had to admit that hewing a log was much easier than hewing a boyar... Still, until the end of his life, Peter did not let go of the ax and plane from his calloused royal hands... And until the end of his life he remained the great “Tsar Carpenter” "...
Peter died after catching a cold while rescuing drowned soldiers. The great navigator did not drown while saving the soldiers. Only two hundred years later the sculptor Berenstam sank it with his monument on Senate Square...
Rus' was strongly moved forward by the mighty hand of a brilliant giant. But... Not everything was done.
Peter found Rus' with a beard and left her disheveled.
Peter's successors
Before Catherine II, Peter's successors were somewhat similar to the editors of modern Russian newspapers. One editor signs and another edits...
After Peter, Catherine the First was proclaimed empress. It was managed by Menshikov.
After Catherine the First, the young Peter the Second ascended the throne. Menshikov ruled, and then Dolgoruky.
Peter II died. Anna Ioannovna was crowned. Biron was in charge.
Anna Ioannovna was replaced by Anna Leopoldovna. Osterman was in charge.
Anna Leopoldovna was overthrown by Elizaveta Petrovna. Lestok was in charge, and then Razumovsky.
After Elizabeth, Peter the Third ascended the throne. Everyone who lived under Peter ruled, and whoever was not too lazy.
The nobles were divided into two parties: 1) exiles and 2) exiles to Siberia. Very often, overnight, the exiles joined the party of the exiled and vice versa.
Menshikov exiled, exiled, until he was accidentally exiled to Siberia by the Dolgoruks. Dolgoruky was exiled to a country where Makar does not drive calves, Biron. Biron was exiled by Minikh, although he himself was German. Minich was exiled by Lestocq. Lestocq was exiled by Bestuzhev-Ryumin, who moved from the party of exiles to the party of exiles.
The most powerful nobles had their suitcases constantly tied, in case of unexpected exile. In the summer, during the heat of the day, fur coats and felt boots were not hidden far away in the houses of temporary workers.
It's cold in Siberia even in summer! - said the nobles. Having become a temporary worker, the dignitary tried to exile as many people as possible to Siberia. This was done not out of anger, but out of practicality of mind. Every temporary worker thought:
The more nobles I send to Siberia, the more fun I will have later.
So Siberia gradually began to be populated. The pioneers in Siberia turned out to be temporary workers, which gave the then wits a reason to joke:
As you can see, temporary workers can be useful for something...
Catherine the Great
At Catherine's court, a man looked like an eagle.
Every general, every courtier was an eagle. So they went down in history under the collective pseudonym “Catherine’s Eagles”.
The chief eagle was nearsighted and became famous for constantly biting his nails. His name was “Prince Potemkin Tauride”. He was nicknamed “Tavrichesky” because he lived in the Tauride Palace on Shpalernaya, where the State Duma is now located.
Potemkin came from a very poor family, which is what brought him forward. Like an eagle, he sometimes loved to feed on living blood, but there was almost no living blood in Holy Rus'. Biron drank the last one...
Catherine herself had remarkable literary talent, and under happier conditions she would have made a brilliant career as a writer. But for the good of the country, she did not follow the path of writers strewn with roses, but chose a different path.
But thanks to the censorship of that time, the works of Catherine the Great could not see the light of day and were only published about fifteen years ago, when censorship temporarily became a little more liberal.
In addition to literature, Catherine the Great also waged very successful wars with the Turks and was no less successful in organizing the internal affairs of the state.
First legislators
From the very beginning of her reign, Catherine set about the project of a new government system.
I will convene the people's representatives! - Ekaterina decided. - Let the people themselves decide how best to live.
They began to convene a legislative commission of people's representatives. Wives screamed as they accompanied their husbands to St. Petersburg.
I'll hire you as a legislator! - howled the wives. - Our little heads are gone...
The old people whispered prayerfully:
God has given you to serve your legislative duties safely.
The deputies arrived in Moscow and were incredibly surprised that they were not beaten or imprisoned in the fortress. On the contrary, the empress ordered them to be given a kind reception and put them not in prison, but in the Chamber of Facets. The Empress developed an “Order”, in which deputies were asked to develop laws. The deputies eagerly set to work from morning to night and finally declared:
Finished!
Delighted Catherine asked:
What did you do? The deputies stated:
They have done a lot, Mother Empress. Firstly, they decided to give you the title “Wise”... Catherine was amazed.
What about the laws?
Laws?! What about the laws? Laws are not a wolf - they will not run into the forest. And if they run away, so much the better. Let wolves and bears live according to the law...
Suppressing her annoyance, Catherine asked again:
What else have you done?
They decided, Mother Empress, to present you with another title: “Great.”
Catherine interrupted them nervously:
Was serfdom abolished?
Serfdom! - the deputies answered. - Why rush? The guys will wait. What do they need? Well-fed, shod, whipped... They'll wait.
What have you done? Why were you called? The deputies stroked their beards importantly.
And we have done a lot. They worked, Mother Empress. And they worked it out.
What did you work out?
We have developed another title for you, mother: “Mother of the Fatherland.” What's it like?
Catherine saw that the more the legislative commission met, the more titles and fewer laws it would have.
Go home! she told deputies. - Go, Timoshki. It’s bad without you, but even worse with you.
Provinces and estates
In 1775, Catherine the Great divided Rus' into provinces. It was done like this. They gathered several villages and told them:
From now on you are not villages, but cities! The villagers scratched their heads and mumbled:
Look, cities!.. And we thought that we were born in villages, and we will die in villages.
But, after scratching their heads as much as possible, villages became cities. Then they took a German and appointed him governor. Before leaving, the German was informed:
You will rule the province!
The German did not object. On the contrary, he nodded his head and answered with dignity:
Gut! From an early age, I became a governor... I will be a good governor.
In the new provinces, the people were divided into three classes, and they strictly adhered to the trouser and shoe qualifications. Those who had intact boots and trousers were included in the merchant class. Anyone who had torn boots, but intact trousers, fell into the bourgeois class. The people whose boots asked for porridge, and whose trousers had ventilation, formed the class of artisans.
All three estates were granted the freedom to bribe the fourth estate - the nobility...
The last estate at that time constituted the police, militia, and justice in the country. It was necessary to give him a bribe... Fortunately, the nobles of the eighteenth century were smart people: they did not miss what was in their hands, and all other classes felt relatively well.
Wars with the Turks
For many years, Catherine waged war with the Turks. In essence, only Catherine fought. The Turks just shouted "Alla! Alla!" and retreated. Before each new war, Turkish commanders kindly inquired from Russian commanders:
What cities do you want to take away from us? The Russians named the cities.
Is it possible to make a list?
Russian commanders compiled a list of cities that they were going to take from the Turks and sent them to the pashas. The pashas read the list and immediately gave the order to their troops to throw down their weapons and flee in panic.
Even then it was easier to fight the Turks than the student demonstration. At student demonstrations they at least shout, but in most cases the Turks did not disturb the peace and quiet when fleeing.
Potemkin built up the conquered lands with villages and populated them with peasants. Over time, it turned out that both the villages and the peasants were decorative. The villages were staged by Stanislavsky from the Art Theater, and the men were played by Chirikov, Yushkevich and Dymov. It was even rumored that the Turks with whom Potemkin fought were decorative.
However, the lands that were conquered under Catherine were real, lush and produced wonderful fruits.
Companions of Catherine
All of Catherine's associates were very talented, young and old. In the first years of Catherine's reign, Grigory Orlov was very popular. This was a great statesman. He lifted the heavy court carriage with one hand. Grigory Orlov's brother Alexey was a brilliant diplomat. He could hold four horses in place with one hand.
Still, he could not maintain his influence at court, and soon his power passed to Potemkin. The last eaglet was Count Zubov, who became famous for having no talents.
This is our family! - said the young eaglet, not without arrogance. - We, the Zubovs, are above talent!
Suvorov became most famous among the “Catherine Eagles”. There was a significant difference between Suvorov and other commanders. Suvorov was an eccentric in peacetime and a hero in war... Suvorov crowed the rooster perfectly, and even Napoleon could not do this.
Once Suvorov’s “crow” completely defeated the enemy and saved our army from a shameful defeat. It happened as follows.
While attacking the enemy, Suvorov noticed that his army was three times larger than ours. Not hoping for victory, Suvorov flew up on horseback to the very nose of the enemy and sang “crow”. The enemy army stopped and began to argue.
This is the rooster appointed by the general! - some shouted.
No, this is a general appointed by the rooster! - others argued.
While they were arguing, Suvorov ordered everyone to be bandaged and taken prisoner. And there was another eagle, whose fate was very sad - he wrote odes. Feeding on carrion, this eagle lived for a long time and ended his days almost tragically - as the Minister of Public Education. The name of this eagle, sometimes soaring under the clouds, sometimes creeping on the ground, was Derzhavin.
Science, art and literature
Under Catherine, science and art made great progress.
The samovar was invented. When inventing it, the Germans wanted to adopt the structure of the samovar, but they could not get around to it. In vain did foreign governments order their ambassadors in Russia:
By all means, learn the secret of making a samovar.
No matter how hard the ambassadors tried, they could not achieve anything. The Russians kept this secret strictly. Then the whip and arc were improved. There were many artists and sculptors who painted and sculpted many times better than today. Unfortunately, neither the names of these great people nor their great creations have reached us.
Literature has made enormous progress. Everyone wrote. Professors, generals, and young officers wrote poetry and prose. The best Russian writers were Voltaire and Jean-Jacques Rousseau. The best Russian poets were Virgil and Pindar. Everyone else: Lomonosov, Sumarokov, Fonvizin and others - constantly imitated them.
The most profitable craft in literature was writing odes. This noble family of poetry not only fed, clothed and shoed poets well, but also promoted them to rank.
The Odoscribes were blissful, but other writers also flourished. In general, everything flourished.
Paul I
Pavel the First did not like jokes. A few days after his accession to the throne, he gave the command:
Russia, form up!
Not everyone was prepared for this team, and... Naturally, there was a hitch................................................... .
But before Rus' learned to march and walk in step, Paul the First died, and Alexander the First took the throne.
Today, “General History, processed by Satyricon,” a book that was published in 1911 and still enjoys the attention and love of the general public, is perceived as a kind of calling card of that brightest phenomenon of domestic satire and humor, domestic literature and journalism, which has been called for a hundred years back "Satyricon" and satirikontsy".
For a comic effect, context, as we know, is more important than text, which is why humor, not to mention satire, quickly becomes outdated. And yet, “General history, processed by the Satyricon, is already entering the second century of its existence. Long gone is D.I. Ilovaisky, whose numerous and repeatedly reprinted history textbooks were the main object of ridicule for the satiriconists in their book, his works remained in the archives , the object of the parody has long been no longer relevant, but the parody itself lives on, which once again confirms the maxim attributed to the famous British wit Bernard Shaw: “A man who writes about himself and his time is the only one who writes about all people and all times.”
On our website you can download the book “General History, processed by Satyricon” by Arkady Averchenko, Nadezhda Teffi, Osip Dymov, Orsher Joseph Lvovich for free and without registration in epub, fb2 format, read the book online or buy the book in the online store.
Preface
There is no need to explain what history as such is, since everyone should know this with their mother’s milk. But what is ancient history? A few words need to be said about this.
It is difficult to find a person in the world who, at least once in his life, to put it scientifically, would not get into some kind of story. But no matter how long ago this happened to him, we still have no right to call the incident ancient history. For in the face of science, everything has its own strict division and classification.
Let's say in short:
a) ancient history is a history that happened extremely long ago;
b) ancient history is the history that happened with the Romans, Greeks, Assyrians, Phoenicians and other peoples who spoke stillborn languages.
Everything that concerns ancient times and about which we know absolutely nothing is called the prehistoric period.
Although scientists know absolutely nothing about this period (because if they knew, they would have to call it historical), nevertheless they divide it into three centuries:
1) stone, when people used bronze to make stone tools for themselves;
2) bronze, when bronze tools were made using stone;
3) iron, when iron tools were made using bronze and stone.
In general, inventions were rare then and people were slow to come up with inventions; Therefore, as soon as they invent something, they now call their century by the name of the invention.
In our time, this is no longer conceivable, because every day the name of the century would have to be changed: Pillian Age, Flat Tire Age, Syndeticon Age, etc., etc., which would immediately cause strife and international wars.
In those times, about which absolutely nothing is known, people lived in huts and ate each other; then, having grown stronger and developed a brain, they began to eat the surrounding nature: animals, birds, fish and plants. Then, dividing into families, they began to fence themselves off with palisades, through which at first they quarreled for many centuries; then they began to fight, started a war, and thus a state, a state, a state of life arose, on which the further development of citizenship and culture is based.
Ancient peoples were divided by skin color into black, white and yellow.
Whites, in turn, are divided into:
1) Aryans, descended from Noah’s son Japheth and named so that it was not immediately possible to guess from whom they descended;
2) Semites - or those without the right of residence - and
3) rude people, people not accepted in decent society
Usually, history is always divided chronologically from such and such a period to such and such a period. You can’t do this with ancient history, because, firstly, no one knows anything about it, and secondly, the ancient peoples lived stupidly, wandered from one place to another, from one era to another, and all this without railways , without order, reason or purpose. Therefore, scientists came up with the idea to consider the history of each nation separately. Otherwise you will get so confused that you won’t be able to get out.
East
Egypt
Egypt is located in Africa and has long been famous for its pyramids, sphinxes, the flooding of the Nile and Queen Cleopatra.
Pyramids are pyramid-shaped buildings that were erected by the pharaohs for their glorification. The pharaohs were caring people and did not trust even the closest people to dispose of their corpse at their discretion. And, barely out of infancy, the pharaoh was already looking for a secluded place and began to build a pyramid for his future ashes.
After death, the body of the pharaoh was gutted from the inside with great ceremonies and stuffed with aromas. From the outside they enclosed it in a painted case, put it all together in a sarcophagus and placed it inside the pyramid. Over time, the small amount of pharaoh that was contained between the aromas and the case dried out and turned into a hard membrane. This is how the ancient monarchs spent the people's money unproductively!
But fate is fair. Less than tens of thousands of years had passed before the Egyptian population regained its prosperity by trading wholesale and retail the mortal corpses of their overlords, and in many European museums one can see examples of these dried pharaohs, nicknamed mummies for their immobility. For a special fee, museum guards allow visitors to click the mummy with their finger.
Further, the ruins of temples serve as monuments of Egypt. Most of them have been preserved on the site of ancient Thebes, nicknamed “hundred-gate” by the number of its twelve gates. Now, according to archaeologists, these gates have been converted into Arab villages. This is how sometimes great things turn into useful things!
Egyptian monuments are often covered in writing that is extremely difficult to decipher. Scientists therefore called them hieroglyphs.
The inhabitants of Egypt were divided into different castes. The most important caste belonged to the priests. It was very difficult to become a priest. To do this, it was necessary to study geometry up to the equality of triangles, including geography, which at that time embraced the space of the globe at least six hundred square miles.
The priests had their hands full, because, in addition to geography, they also had to deal with divine services, and since the Egyptians had an extremely large number of gods, it was sometimes difficult for any priest to snatch even an hour for geography during the whole day.
The Egyptians were not particularly picky when it came to paying divine honors. They deified the sun, cow, Nile, bird, dog, moon, cat, wind, hippopotamus, earth, mouse, crocodile, snake and many other domestic and wild animals.
In view of this abundance of God, the most cautious and pious Egyptian had to commit various sacrileges every minute. Either he will step on the cat’s tail, or he will point at the sacred dog, or he will eat a holy fly in the borscht. The people were nervous, dying out and degenerating.
Among the pharaohs there were many remarkable ones who glorified themselves with their monuments and autobiographies, without expecting this courtesy from their descendants.
Babylon
Babylon, known for its pandemonium, was nearby.
Assyria
The main city of Assyria was Assur, named after the god Assur, who in turn received this name from the main city of Assu. Where is the end, where is the beginning - the ancient peoples, due to illiteracy, could not figure out and did not leave any monuments that could help us in this bewilderment.
The Assyrian kings were very warlike and cruel. They amazed their enemies most of all with their names, of which Assur-Tiglaf-Abu-Kherib-Nazir-Nipal was the shortest and simplest. As a matter of fact, it was not even a name, but a shortened affectionate nickname, which his mother gave the young king for his small stature.
The custom of Assyrian christenings was this: as soon as a baby was born to the king, male, female, or another sex, a specially trained scribe immediately sat down and, taking wedges in his hands, began to write the name of the newborn on clay slabs. When, exhausted by work, the clerk fell dead, he was replaced by another, and so on until the baby reached adulthood. By this time, his entire name was considered to be completely and correctly written to the end.
These kings were very cruel. Loudly calling out their name, before they conquered the country, they had already impaled its inhabitants.
From the surviving images, modern scientists see that the Assyrians held the art of hairdressing very highly, since all the kings had beards curled in smooth, neat curls.
If we take this issue even more seriously, we may be even more surprised, since it is clear that in Assyrian times not only people, but also lions did not neglect hairdressing tongs. For the Assyrians always depict animals with the same curled manes and tails as the beards of their kings.
Truly, studying samples of ancient culture can bring significant benefits not only to people, but also to animals.
The last Assyrian king is considered, in short, Ashur-Adonai-Aban-Nipal. When his capital was besieged by the Medes, the cunning Ashur ordered a fire to be lit in the square of his palace; then, having piled all his property on it, he climbed up with all his wives and, having secured himself, burned to the ground.
The annoyed enemies hastened to surrender.
Persians
There were peoples living in Iran whose names ended in “Yan”: the Bactrians and Medes, except for the Persians, who ended in “sy”.
The Bactrians and Medes quickly lost their courage and indulged in effeminacy, and the Persian king Astyages gave birth to a grandson, Cyrus, who founded the Persian monarchy.
Herodotus tells a touching legend about the youth of Cyrus.
One day Astyages dreamed that a tree grew out of his daughter. Struck by the indecency of this dream, Astyages ordered the magicians to unravel it. The magicians said that the son of Astyages' daughter would reign over all of Asia. Astyages was very upset, as he wanted a more modest fate for his grandson.
– And tears flow through gold! - he said and instructed his courtier to strangle the baby.
The courtier, who was fed up with his own business, entrusted this business to a shepherd he knew. The shepherd, due to lack of education and negligence, mixed everything up and, instead of strangling him, began to raise the child.
When the child grew up and began to play with his peers, he once ordered the son of a nobleman to be flogged. The nobleman complained to Astyages. Astyages became interested in the child's broad nature. After talking with him and examining the victim, he exclaimed:
- This is Kir! Only our family knows how to flog like that.
And Cyrus fell into his grandfather’s arms.
Having reached his age, Cyrus defeated the Lydian king Croesus and began to roast him at the stake. But during this procedure Croesus suddenly exclaimed:
- Oh, Solon, Solon, Solon!
This greatly surprised the wise Cyrus.
“I have never heard such words from those who were roasting,” he admitted to his friends.
He beckoned Croesus to him and began to ask what this meant.
Then Croesus spoke. that he was visited by the Greek sage Solon. Wanting to throw dust in the sage's eyes, Croesus showed him his treasures and, to tease him, asked Solon who he considered the happiest man in the world.
If Solon had been a gentleman, he would, of course, have said “you, your Majesty.” But the sage was a simple-minded man, one of the narrow-minded, and blurted out that “before death, no one can say to himself that he is happy.”
Since Croesus was a king precocious for his years, he immediately realized that after death people rarely talk in general, so even then there would be no need to boast about their happiness, and he was very offended by Solon.
This story greatly shocked the faint-hearted Cyrus. He apologized to Croesus and did not finish cooking him.
After Cyrus, his son Cambyses reigned. Cambyses went to fight with the Ethiopians, entered the desert and there, suffering greatly from hunger, little by little he ate his entire army. Realizing the difficulty of such a system, he hastened to return to Memphis. There at that time the opening of the new Apis was celebrated.
At the sight of this healthy, well-fed bull, the king, emaciated on human flesh, rushed at him and pinned him with his own hands, and at the same time his brother Smerdiz, who was spinning under his feet.
One clever magician took advantage of this and, declaring himself False Smerdiz, immediately began to reign. The Persians rejoiced:
- Long live our king False Smerdiz! - they shouted.
At this time, King Cambyses, completely obsessed with beef, died from a wound that he inflicted on himself, wanting to taste his own meat.
Thus died this wisest of the eastern despots.
After Cambyses, Darius Hystaspes reigned, who became famous for his campaign against the Scythians.
The Scythians were very brave and cruel. After the battle, feasts were held, during which they drank and ate from the skulls of freshly killed enemies.
Those warriors who did not kill a single enemy could not take part in the feast for lack of their own dishes and watched the celebration from afar, tormented by hunger and remorse.
Having learned about the approach of Darius Hystaspes, the Scythians sent him a frog, a bird, a mouse and an arrow.
With these simple gifts they thought to soften the heart of their formidable enemy.
But things took a completely different turn.
One of Darius' warriors, Hystaspes, who was very tired of hanging around behind his master in foreign lands, undertook to interpret the true meaning of the Scythian message.
“This means that if you Persians do not fly like birds, chew like a mouse, and jump like a frog, you will not return to your home forever.”
Darius could neither fly nor jump. He was scared to death and ordered the shafts to be turned.
Darius Hystaspes became famous not only for this campaign, but also for his equally wise rule, which he led with the same success as his military enterprises.
The ancient Persians were initially distinguished by their courage and simplicity of morals. They taught their sons three subjects:
1) ride a horse;
2) shoot with a bow and
3) tell the truth.
A young man who did not pass the exam in all three of these subjects was considered ignorant and was not accepted into the civil service.
But little by little the Persians began to indulge in a pampered lifestyle. They stopped riding horses, forgot how to shoot a bow, and, while spending their time idly, cut the truth. As a result, the huge Persian state began to quickly decline.
Previously, Persian youths ate only bread and vegetables. Having become depraved, they demanded soup (330 BC). Alexander the Great took advantage of this and conquered Persia.
Greece
Greece occupies the southern part of the Balkan Peninsula.
Nature itself divided Greece into four parts:
1) northern, which is located in the north;
2) western – in the west;
3) eastern - not in the east and, finally,
4) southern, occupying the south of the peninsula.
This original division of Greece has long attracted the attention of the entire cultural part of the world's population.
The so-called “Greeks” lived in Greece.
They spoke a dead language and indulged in the creation of myths about gods and heroes.
The favorite hero of the Greeks was Hercules, who became famous for cleaning out the Augean stables and thereby giving the Greeks an unforgettable example of cleanliness. In addition, this neat guy killed his wife and children.
The second favorite hero of the Greeks was Oedipus, who absent-mindedly killed his father and married his mother. This caused a pestilence to spread throughout the country and everything was revealed. Oedipus had to gouge out his eyes and go traveling with Antigone.
In southern Greece, the myth of the Trojan War, or “The Beautiful Helen,” was created in three acts with music by Offenbach.
It was like this: King Menelaus (comic bouffe) had a wife, nicknamed the Beautiful Helen for her beauty and because she wore a dress with a slit. She was kidnapped by Paris, which Menelaus did not like very much. Then the Trojan War began.
The war was terrible. Menelaus found himself completely without a voice, and all the other heroes lied mercilessly.
Nevertheless, this war remained in the memory of grateful humanity; for example, the phrase of the priest Calchas: “Too many flowers” is still quoted by many feuilletonists, not without success.
The war ended thanks to the intervention of the cunning Odysseus. To give the soldiers the opportunity to get to Troy, Odysseus made a wooden horse and put the soldiers in it, and he left. The Trojans, tired of the long siege, were not averse to playing with a wooden horse, for which they paid. In the midst of the game, the Greeks got out of the horse and conquered their careless enemies.
After the destruction of Troy, the Greek heroes returned home, but not to their delight. It turned out that during this time their wives chose new heroes for themselves and indulged in betrayal of their husbands, who were killed immediately after the first handshakes.
The cunning Odysseus, foreseeing all this, did not return straight home, but made a short detour at ten years to give his wife Penelope time to prepare to meet him.
Faithful Penelope was waiting for him, while away the time with her suitors.
The suitors really wanted to marry her, but she decided that it was much more fun to have thirty suitors than one husband, and she cheated the unfortunate ones by delaying the wedding day. Penelope weaved during the day, and at night she flogged the woven fabric, and at the same time, her son Telemachus. This story ended tragically: Odysseus returned.
The Iliad shows us the military side of Greek life. "Odyssey" paints pictures of everyday life and social mores.
Both of these poems are considered the works of the blind singer Homer, whose name was so highly respected in ancient times that seven cities disputed the honor of being his homeland. What a difference with the fate of contemporary poets, whom their own parents are often not averse to abandoning!
Based on the Iliad and Odyssey, we can say the following about heroic Greece.
The population of Greece was divided into:
1) kings;
2) warriors and
3) people.
Everyone performed their function.
The king reigned, the soldiers fought, and the people expressed their approval or disapproval of the first two categories with a “mixed roar.”
The king, usually a poor man, derived his family from the gods (little consolation with an empty treasury) and supported his existence with more or less voluntary gifts.
The noble men surrounding the king also descended from the gods, but to a more distant extent, so to speak, the seventh water on jelly.
In war, these noble men marched ahead of the rest of the army and were distinguished by the splendor of their weapons. They were covered with a helmet on top, a shell in the middle, and a shield on all sides. Dressed in this way, the noble man rode into battle in a pair of chariots with a coachman - calmly and comfortably, as in a tram.
They all fought in all directions, each for himself, therefore, even the defeated could talk a lot and eloquently about their military exploits, which no one had seen.
In addition to the king, warriors and people, there were also slaves in Greece, consisting of former kings, former warriors and former people.
The position of women among the Greeks was enviable in comparison with their position among the eastern peoples.
The Greek woman was responsible for all the care of the household, spinning, weaving, washing clothes and other various household chores, while eastern women were forced to spend time in idleness and harem pleasures among boring luxury.
The religion of the Greeks was political, and the gods were in constant communication with people, and visited many families often and quite easily. Sometimes the gods behaved frivolously and even indecently, plunging the people who invented them into sad bewilderment.
In one of the ancient Greek prayer chants that have survived to this day, we clearly hear a mournful note:
The Greeks had a very vague concept of the afterlife. The shadows of sinners were sent to the gloomy Tartarus (in Russian - to the tartars). The righteous enjoyed bliss in Elysium, but so meagerly that Achilles, knowledgeable in these matters, admitted frankly: “It is better to be a poor man’s day laborer on earth than to reign over all the shadows of the dead.” An argument that amazed the entire ancient world with its commercialism.
Really, gods,
It makes you happy
When our honor
Somersault, somersault
Will it fly?!
The Greeks learned their future through oracles. The most revered oracle was located in Delphi. Here the priestess, the so-called Pythia, sat on the so-called tripod (not to be confused with the statue of Memnon) and, falling into a frenzy, uttered incoherent words.
The Greeks, spoiled by smooth speech with hexameters, flocked from all over Greece to listen to the incoherent words and reinterpret them in their own way.
The Greeks were tried at the Amphictyon Court.
The court met twice a year; the spring session was in Delphi, the autumn session in Thermopylae.
Each community sent two jurors to the trial. These jurors came up with a very clever oath. Instead of promising to judge according to their conscience, not to take bribes, not to bend their souls and not to protect their relatives, they took the following oath: “I swear to never destroy the cities belonging to the Amphictyon alliance, and never to deprive it of flowing water, either in peace or in war time".
That's all!
But this shows what superhuman strength the ancient Greek juror possessed. It would have been easy for some of them, even the weakest of them, to destroy the city or stop the flowing water. Therefore, it is clear that the cautious Greeks did not pester them with oaths of bribes and other nonsense, but tried to neutralize these animals in the most important way.
The Greeks calculated their chronology according to the most important events of their social life, that is, according to the Olympic Games. These games consisted of ancient Greek youths competing in strength and dexterity. Everything was going like clockwork, but then Herodotus started reading aloud passages from his history during the competition. This act had the proper effect; the athletes relaxed, the public, who had hitherto rushed to the Olympics like mad, refused to go there even for the money that the ambitious Herodotus generously promised them. The games stopped on their own.
Sparta
Laconia formed the southeastern part of the Peloponnese and received its name from the manner of the local inhabitants to express themselves laconically.
It was hot in Laconia in summer and cold in winter. This climate system, unusual for other countries, according to historians, contributed to the development of cruelty and energy in the character of the inhabitants.
The main city of Laconia was called Sparta for no reason.
In Sparta there was a ditch filled with water so that the inhabitants could practice throwing each other into the water. The city itself was not fenced with walls and the courage of the citizens was supposed to serve as its protection. This, of course, cost the local city fathers less than the worst stockade. The Spartans, cunning by nature, arranged it so that they always had two kings at a time. The kings squabbled among themselves, leaving the people alone. The legislator Lycurgus put an end to this bacchanalia.
Lycurgus was of royal family and took care of his nephew.
At the same time, he constantly poked everyone in the eye with his justice. When the patience of those around him finally ran out, Lycurgus was advised to go traveling. They thought that the journey would develop Lycurgus and somehow influence his justice.
But, as they say, together it’s sickening, but apart it’s boring. Before Lycurgus had time to freshen up in the company of the Egyptian priests, his compatriots demanded his return. Lycurgus returned and established his laws in Sparta.
After this, fearing too ardent gratitude from the expansive people, he hastened to starve himself to death.
– Why provide to others what you can do yourself! - were his last words.
The Spartans, seeing that the bribes were smooth from him, began to pay divine honors to his memory.
The population of Sparta was divided into three classes: Spartiates, Perieci and Helots.
The Spartiates were local aristocrats, they did gymnastics, walked naked and generally set the tone.
Gymnastics was prohibited for Periecs. Instead they paid taxes.
The helots, or, as the local wits put it, the “underdogs,” had it the worst of all. They cultivated the fields, went to war and often rebelled against their masters. The latter, in order to win them over to their side, came up with the so-called cryptia, that is, simply, at a certain hour they killed all the helots they encountered. This remedy quickly forced the helots to come to their senses and live in complete contentment.
The Spartan kings received much respect but little credit. The people believed them only for a month, then forced them to swear allegiance to the laws of the republic again.
Since two kings always reigned in Sparta and there was also a republic, all this together was called an aristocratic republic.
According to the laws of this republic, the Spartans were prescribed the most modest way of life according to their concepts. For example, men were not allowed to dine at home; they gathered in a cheerful group in so-called restaurants - a custom observed by many people of an aristocratic streak even in our time as a relic of hoary antiquity.
Their favorite food was black soup, prepared from pork broth, blood, vinegar and salt. This stew, as a historical memory of the glorious past, is still prepared in our Greek kitchens, where it is known as “brandahlysta”.
The Spartans were also very modest and simple in their clothing. Only before the battle did they dress up in a more complex costume, consisting of a wreath on their heads and a flute in their right hand. In ordinary times, they denied themselves this.
Parenting
Raising children was very harsh. Most often they were killed outright. This made them courageous and resilient.
They received the most thorough education: they were taught not to scream during a spanking. At the age of twenty, the Spartan passed the matriculation exam in this subject. At thirty he became a spouse, at sixty he was released from this duty.
